Daytime Emmy Awards, ya'll!

It's the day of the show ya'll! In t-minus 60 minutes plus 17 minutes, I'll be live bloggin' all the action over at the Daytime Emmy Awards! Who's excited?!!

7:02pm Red Carpet special!! First La Lucci sighting! This is going to be a good night!

7:03pm Three of the most respected tv critics will be offering commentary. Um, I clearly missed your call, CW.

7:05pm Breaking for dinner (wings!). Talk amongst yourselves.

7:46pm Annnnd we're back!

7:47pm I've got your number Daytime Emmy Awards, this year it's all about Vagisil, Tyler Perry and lame-o CW remakes of shows that should never be remade. I don't like it Daytime Emmy Awards, but I'm willing to deal with it as long as I can see Ricky Paull Goldin in a leather bikini . . . what? He's not in the bikini? GOD!

7:52pm I just discovered that Melodie at Daytime Confidential is ALSO live blogging the Daytime Emmys. It's a Melody(ie) off!!

7:54pm If it's so hot out in LA, why is Jennie Garth wearing a giant orange curtain as a dress. Girlfriend must be schvitzing.

7:55pm 5 more minutes! And it's the kid from "Everybody Loves That Raven!"

8:01pm IT'S ON, YOU GUYS!!

8:02pm Vanessa Williams . . . this feels wrong.

8:03pm Really wrong.

8:05pm Okay, it got better. This really is the only award show that matters to me.

8:06pm Rachel Ray and that hot guy from Dancing with the Stars!

8:07pm Dr. David Baby Stealer!!!!! And JR!! You need to take down those lame other dudes.

8:08pm It's a tie?!

8:09pm YES!! Dr. David Baby Stealer!!!!!

8:10pm Wow, I don't think this dude actually would steal a baby in real life. The curtain's been drawn. I would have tea with you Dr. David Baby Stealer.

8:11pm Other Emmy goes to someone on GL. If tonight turns into a big giant Guiding Light a$$ kissing party, I'm flipping over to Food Network Challenges.

8:15pm You know who watches the Daytime Emmy Awards (DEA as it will now be called)!
Ladies! Bring on that Vagisil commercial again.

8:16pm Anyone know where I can get an off-brand BumpIt?

8:17pm Why is that guy wearing a scarf!? Weren't we just talking about how hot it is out there?

8:17pm CASH CAB!! We're 2 for 2 with awesomeness! If somehow there's a Mythbusters experience tonight, my head may explode.

8:20pm Rachel Ray wins. Bathroom break.

8:26pm By "bathroom break" I meant, "Make myself a wine spritzer." It seems only appropriate.

8:27pm By the way, I really appreciated a sneak peek of J.R.'s shaved head!

8:31pm Bindi Irwin deserves to win Best Kid's Something or Other purely because of her crimped hair in that clip.

8:32pm Elmo wins.

8:33pm Elmo looks nothing like I'd expect him to.

8:34pm Elmo SOUNDS nothing like I'd expect him to.

8:35pm Hooray Elmo. Elmo hooray!

8:35pm Dr. Phil. Bathroom break.

8:35pm No, All My Children clips for best Drama Something or Other!

8:36pm Tyra Banks. Bathroom break.

8:37pm No, weird fashion show. I've been waiting for this. I want to see some skin Funny Doc!

8:38pm Real Preggers has a smokin' bod, huh?

8:39pm LA LUCCI!!

8:39pm That "fashion show" was awkward and unnecessary.

8:40pm Montel Williams is a little smug for his own good. (Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley said he looks like Bizarro Montel Williams with that goatee.)

8:42pm This Feed the Children stuff, really is great. Why is Luke from GH tainting it for me? Seeing him and his earring really gets to me. He looks like a Mugatu. Except paler.

8:45pm The montage for the Feed the Children trip was incredibly inspiring and made me a little teary eyed!

8:50pm I don't know who Van Hasis is . . . but I just can't get behind that name, kid.

8:51pm Outstanding Supporting Actress! CrazAnnie vs. Kendall!! EPIC!

8:52pm Wait, Reese wins for being not Reese on a show that's not All My Children? Not cool.

8:54pm Internets not letting me comment on my own blog. Conspiracy.

8:55pm Whoa short dress. The Young and the Restless indeed.

8:56pm Tyra Banks. "Informative" Talk Show. Ugh. Why are we encouraging this woman?

8:57pm Tyra fills me with enormous amounts of rage. It's inexplicable.

8:58pm Thank you, BumpIts, for distracting me from Tyra. I'm better now.

8:59pm Oooh, a new Vagisil commercial! Vagisil and dish soap. The CW knows it's demographic for this show.

9:03pm So there's "Young Actor" and "Younger actor?" Who came up with these categories?

9:04pm The guy who won has the tiniest head I've ever seen.

9:05pm Best Greatest Morning Show: Good Morning, America? What?!! I demand a recount. No one's better than the Lauer. No one.

9:06pm Dr. Phil. Floss break.

9:07pm Either I'm losing my mind, or someone in our building is playing the flute or the pan pipes or a recorder. I'm not kidding.

9:08pm Days of Our Lives? More like "Lame of Our Lives!" All My Children is going to SCHOOL you suckers!

9:09pm These super serious Blimpie commercials are a little over the top. They're subs, people!

9:11pm SCOOTERS!!

9:12pm I think I'm the only person not watching True Blood right now.

9:13pm Seriously, someone is playing flute music right now and it's driving me batty!

9:14pm Alright, flute music coming from our new neighbor. I prefer flute music to the horrifying noises that we were hearing a few weeks ago.

9:15pm NPH on Sesame Street? Sheer brilliance! Sesame Street rules. Sesame Street taught me how to read when I was 1 year old. I'm not kidding. 40 years. Good for them! That show is amazing.

9:16pm Zach Slater loves Sesame Street!

9:19pm That was really nice. More Sesame Street. Less Dr. Phil.

9:20pm And less of Sandra Oh's dress. Come on, lady. You're gorgeous. Why are you wearing shoulder pads?

9:21pm I didn't know Kenny Rogers was Oscar the Grouch. And Telly looks like Telly.

9:22pm SERIOUSLY THE FLUTE MUSIC HAS TO STOP!! It's driving me mad.

9:27pm Gratuitous Vanessa Williams singing.

9:28pm What does this song have to do with All My Children? We really should be asking ourselves that, Daytime Emmy Awards producers.

9:29pm This song isn't even about Vagisil or scooters. What's it doing here?

9:30pm And now there's dancing. Great. Bring back Dr. David Baby Stealer.

9:31pm Did they just call her "Jeanie" Garth?

9:32pm Gosh, let Jennie Garth get a word in edgewise, Aunt Becky!

9:33pm Best Writing- General Hospital. I'd put up a fight for AMC, but . . . I mean, you know.

9:34pm Pssst, All My Children- I'm available.

9:38pm Ryan Lavery! CrazAnnie!! Cash Cab didn't win, but congrats to Meredith. I'm surprised Lavery didn't try to steal the Emmy from her, or maybe he will. He likes to steal things from other people. Women. Casinos. Kids.

9:39pm Betty White, what are you wearing? My Uncle Harry's old jogging suit?

9:40pm I love you, Betty. Gosh I love you, I guess I'll forgive the rhinestone encrusted windbreaker.

9:43pm Godspeed, Guiding Light! Is Luke aka Mugatu crying AGAIN?! Why is he crying? It's not his show!! I'd like to put him, Tyra and Dr. Phil in a room together and let them fight to the death. Whoever lives . . . gets to live.

9:45pm What's with all the circus BS in those General Hospital promos? See, that's exactly why I prefer All My Children. Give me tornados and stolen babies!! Much more realistic.

9:47pm Is Patrick Duffy on Gray's Anatomy? Is he the guy from Growing Pains?

9:48pm Best Actress- Susan Haskell? BOOOOOOOOOO. You deserve it, Debbie Morgan.

9:49pm Okay, you're married to Zach Slater. I guess you can win.

9:50pm Best Actor- not Zach Slater. At least it wasn't Mugatu. Zach, you should just go up there and take from him, and be all, "You know what? I'm just gonna take this award. You're gonna give it to me. And I'm going to take it. Because it's mine. Now go paint the basement."

9:54pm Dr. Phil is drunk. And annoying. And drunk.

9:56pm Best Daytime Drama- Not All My Children. Bold and the Beautiful? More like Yawn and the Boring-ful. So boring they didn't even get to do an acceptance speech. SUCK IT!

9:58pm Well, that was it. Exhausting, huh? Not even a good bye. Had they cut down the lady part cream commercials and the Dr. Phil nonsense, and that 2nd Vanessa Williams song, maybe we could've had a real awards show, people. Perhaps The CW should just stick to the Gossip Girls and the fake Melrose Places.

I'm sorry . . . I'm just bitter All My Children was mostly snubbed. But hooray Dr. David Baby Stealer!!! You deserve to go steal a baby!

Who wants some live blogging?!

Oh my gosh, you guys. This is the busiest week ever! I feel like I won't be able to properly keep you up to date AMC recaps!! For this, I apologize.

I promise to make it up to you. This Sunday, August . . . something, I'm too sleepy to look at a calendar . . . I vow to deliver a LIVE BLOGGGING session of the Daytime Emmys on Paraphrasing Pine Valley! Yes. This sort of innovative blogging has never been done before. I shall comment on the events of the Daytime Emmys (which I like to call "My Super Bowl" . . . except that I really like football, so I think" The Superbowl" is probably "My Super Bowl." I'll call it "My Emmys." Okay?) AS they happen! Comments on things on tv as they happen? When has anyone ever done that?

Wait, what?

Okay, so whatever, I'm doing it and it's going to be fun for all.

Join me on Sunday!!

Everybody Loves Zach

Would it kill Lavery to put a tie on just once? I mean, it's court, guy, you really should look your best.

Tuesday 8/25:
Man, Junior's not feeling so good. Luckily, he's at the hospital so Dr. Mrs. Police Chief listens to his alcoholic heart and runs some tests and well . . . more about that later.

Real Preggers is completely distraught that Barbados Baby is like, for reals missing. Nevermind that fact that it's essentially her fault for agreeing to that stupid "put the kid in an alley" plan and naturally she takes her aggression out on Dr. David Baby Stealer! Man, that guy can't catch a break. For once he did not steal your baby! Not yet at least!

Speaking of Dr. Baby Stealer, Not Babe really wants to "come home with him," which is a really weird and slightly inappropriate way of saying she would like to move in because she thinks he's nice and stuff. He's all, "Um, apparently you haven't noticed this evil doctor thing that I've spent years cultivating. Your constantly sunny attitude and insistence to love me kinda messes with the vibe." Actually, that's just what I wish he'd said. Really he was like, "Sure! You can come home with me!" (Such a weird way to put that.)

So Judge Robert Goulet and his millions of pencils are figurin' out whether or not CrazAnnie is in fact SaneAnnie and can stand trial. Well, since Grandad paid off Judge Goulet, she is, in fact, sane. Hooray!

Remember Junior's tests? Quickest medical tests ever and the results are in! Dr. Mrs. Police Chief is worried about Junior's blood cells. He wants to know how worried. And she's like, "I'm 'contract negotiations' worried. Sorry, kid."

Everyone and their mom loves Zach. Kendall . . . Fake Preggers . . . okay, well, just two people, but you know, that's, like, more than just one person. Kendall wants Zach to love her but he's still super t.o.'d about that whole Lavery thing. Fake Preggers is captivated by Zach's facial hair and ability to pick up an entire door by himself! Fake Preggers comes over to his house for the millionth time today and lays a giant kiss on him and Kendall, who refuses stay in her secret room, bonks her over the head with her Trapper Keeper. Yeah!

As much as Kendall's "Love me, love me! Want me! Make me feel good about myself!" thing annoys me, I can't resist a good smack on the noggin!

Lavery Doesn't Like Zach. Pope Catholic.

Finally, things are getting back to normal! Lavery hates Zach, Grandad is paying off judges. Now if only we could get Greenlee back . . .

Monday 8/24:
Not Babe totally hates that hospital. She's like, totes bored and no amount of Sudoku books is going to make her happy. So Junior breaks her out of hospital and they go eat food at the yacht club and whatdoyouknow Dr. David Baby Stealer discovers this and really wishes Not Babe would stay away from Junior and he makes fun of him for being an alcoholic. Real good one, Baby Stealer. I bet next you're going to make fun of Grandad for being old.

Funny Doc and Real Preggers think they've found Barbados Baby! Oh . . . oh . . no, wait . . . they haven't. Because that hooker took him. Moving on.

Lavery shows up a Zach's house and Police Chief's broken into it already! Lavery's like, "But I thought I was going to . . . wait nevermind, what the heck are you doing here? That's so weird we were both going to break into the same house at the same time! LOL!" And then Fake Preggers and Grandad show up and Lavery gets mad that Grandad's giving Zach money and he punches him. Zach . . . not Grandad. Though a Grandad sock in the face would pretty awesome. Moral of the story is Lavery hates Zach again and all is right with the world.

It's the day of show, ya'll! I mean, the day of CrazAnnie's "Is she sane or is she not?" trial, ya'll! And somebody was paid off and Lavery shows up there and he's totally going to ruin that trial, you guys. Mind your own beeswax, Lavery. Grandad just wants to get it on with a hot young psychopath. Stop c**k blocking him and his corrupt judges!

This week- Dr. Baby Stealer figures out that whole Barbados Baby thing. Finally! You went to Doctor School, guy, you really should've been hip to this sooner. You better make this worth my while, there better some drugging people in the near future!

Catching up on 'caps . . .

Okay, as I'm catching up on the 'caps, I'm not quite sure what day is what, because it seems like there may have been a repeat . . . but then maybe not. There was definitely a storm/tornado warning in NY. I hope ya'lls are safe!

Also, I really need to graduate beyond the VCR.

Anyhow, I think this is what happened:

Randi and Mitten are keeping that baby. They don't really care that it's not their baby, they are keeping that thing. Sister Police Officer is like, "Guys, seriously. You can't just keep that thing." And they're all, "But if we love it, it's legal." Yeah . . sure.

Funny Doc and Real Preggers are still staking out that bar in Boston, hoping to find Barbados Baby. Well, since Randi stole him, he's not there. But guess who is- Nurse Who Loves Dr. Baby Stealer! YES!!! And if she's there- you know who's not far behind? That's right- mother truckin' Greenlee Smythe Du Pres Almost Lavery!!! I am convinced of this. And nothing will make me happier than Greenlee's return. Except for winning that Mega Millions Lotto. You hear me, God?

Erica and Krystal are in Africa with a bunch of Scorpions who are rocking them like a hurricane. Or just . . . I dunno, they're camping and there's major LOLZ. But then there's a tender part where Erica Kane is sad about the starving children and I really can't mock a call to action to end poverty. I mean this in all sincerity.

Open Mic Night at ConFusion! Dr. Baby Stealer's there! Fake Preggers is there, with her baby (Mother of the Year!) and so is Tad. Turns out Tad's convinced ConFusion to hold an open mic comedy night, which is just an excuse for him to be incredibly unfunny in front of a large audience. You know what else isn't funny? Driving your baby home after downing a glass of champagne- YOU HEAR ME, FAKE PREGGERS?! Man I wish Randi had found YOUR baby.

While all this was going on, Kendall fell down cuz she forgot to take her heart medicine, but then she woke up (lame) and Police Chief tells Dr. Mrs. Police Chief to lie about that whole D.A.'s forensics report business (even lamer!)

Word on the street is Jackson's contract is up. I shall miss ye, Jackson.

Today: Nothing Happened

Hump Day? More like chump day!

Wednesday 8/19:

Today on All My Children, nothing happened. And by nothing, I mean, “nothing.”

Police Chief tells Mittens (who only has one messed up hand now, so I guess he's Mitten?) and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief about that whole Randi killed the D.A. thing that they covered it up.

Tad tells Fake Preggers it’s not really her baby and that he totally knows Dr. David Baby Stealer has tooken Barbados Baby. Tad wants Fake Preggers to bang Dr. David Baby Stealer so he’ll tell her where Barbados Baby is. Tad is the worst detective ever.

Randi thinks babies are like puppies and you can just keep them if you want.

Dr. Mrs. Police Chief thinks Police Chief shouldn’t be all lyin’ to her and junk, but it’s okay to set a dead body on fire because you (mistakenly) think your ex-hooker daugher in law killed the guy.

Oh and at one point, Petey was wearing two collared shirts at once and a baby threw up on him. Convenient, since he had one shirt under the other one.

You guys could’ve saved those 50 minutes and just told Dr. Mrs. Police Chief and Randi and Fake Preggers to just read a little thing on the internet called “Paraphrasing Pine Valley.” All you need to know is there!

Where am I going to put my pilates ball™?

Okay, why is Dr. Mrs. Police Chief wearing CrazAnnie’s wig? Hair and makeup cutbacks?

Tuesday 8/18:

Erica Kane’s getting ready for her little jaunt to Africa to save the children, and by “getting ready” I mean getting poked in the butt . . . with a needle . . . for her vaccines or whatever. Not only is this poor woman getting stuck in the @$ with a pointy object, she’s only allowed to bring one backpack! She’s all, “But I’ve got all these dresses, and shoes! And where am I going to put my pilates ball™?” (I'm sure you'll figure something out, Erica. That money doesn't print itself, you know.)

So Randi’s “missing” because she’s “borrowing” a baby she “found” in a “basket” that no one “wanted” in an “alley” at “church.” (Actually, Randi, people do want him and his name is Barbados Baby.) Girlfriend decides to hole herself up in a motel (she certainly knows her motels!) and watch the news and not give that baby back. Oh Randi. I think you’ve lost your mind.

Dr. Mrs. Police Chief is the smartest lady in town, and she’s totes figured out what happened, the whole ex-hooker’s politician john forces himself on her and she kills him thing. Maybe Dr. Mrs. Police Chief should be Police Chief. She confronts real Police Chief at police station and well, no one’s very happy about the lies and the killing and the wig she's wearing. Oh and Madison (who is certifiably coo-coo now) visited Mittens and made him think that Dead D.A. and Randi were having an affair. You’re making it very hard for me to love you, Madison. Now that you’re a psychopath.

Fake Preggers has brought over some Chinese food to Zach, so they can talk about the case or “do it”, whichever comes first, and admits she’s an awful horrible mother because she is NEVER with her own damn baby (Thank you! I just wanted you to admit that Fake Preggers). Kendall is a nosy Nelly and sneaks out of her lair and almost blows the cover until Zach pulls an Oscar winning performance that includes breaking something and finally Fake Preggers leaves. Zach tells Kendall to go paint the basement but instead she pulls out her laptop, summons her inner Carrie Bradshaw and she’s all, “I couldn’t help but wonder . . . do they have any Chinese food left upstairs?”

Meanwhile as Erica’s getting her visa for Africa, she and Ryan have a madcap “A Hard Day’s Night-esque” music video jaunt in New York City! New York City, LOL! The only thing missing was some twirling.

This week! Kendall gets hurts or passes out or has a heart attack (don't tell me you forgot about her bum heart!) and Zach is forced to call 911 and he’s all, “Yeah, I know she’s supposed to be in jail . . . I was, uh, going to church . . . and I, uh, found her in a basket in the alley.”*

*Credit: Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley™

Helping needy kids is wicked cool, youse guys

Did anyone notice the size of the muffin Zach gave Kendall in the top of the show? That thing was as big as my head!

Monday 8/17:

Tad goes on down to the hospital, because he totes knows that Dr. David Baby Stealer has stolen that baby. That Barbados Baby! Well, turns out Dr. Baby Stealer’s been working in the hospital all this time, but still, you know he’s involved, right? He steals babies! That’s what he DOES! Of course he stole Barbados Baby!!!! (Psssst, not really, that ex-hooker did.)

Anyhoo, Tad’s Dad, Dr. Tad’s Dad, has this awesome thing going on that involves helping kids in Africa. Krystal’s into it because she doesn’t have a job or anything (does she?) Erica’s into it, because she’s the Angelina Jolie of this town, ya’ll. But Dr. Babystealer? Well, he passes, because he only wants to hang out with his own bastard children, not some needy little rugrats in a foreign country who he might actually be able to help with his stunning medical prowess.

Zach needs money. Know who’s got money? Grandad. He’s got lots of it. So Zach and Fake Preggers (who is always hanging around him these days) go to Chateau de Grandad and ask him for some cash money, yo. And he’s like “Yeah, sure, I’m super rich, have a bunch.” Well, CrazAnnie is t.o.’d, you guys, because she’d prefer Grandad’s money go to her. And Grandad’s like, “Dude, it’s an awesome idea! I’ll give money to Zach and it’ll totes help get you out of jail!” Eh? CrazAnnie thinks Grandad might be the crazy one these days. I think I might agree with you, CrazAnnie.

Everyone’s loves Not Babe, mostly Junior, so goes to her and says some junk and yadda yadda yadda, Not Babe swoons in her little open-in-the-back hospital gown and now she wants to be Mrs. Not Babe Junior Chandler. Or is it Mrs. Junior Not Babe Chandler?

Kendall keep breaking the rules about staying in her Ikea cave, and she makes a roast and lights a fire (in AUGUST) and whatdoyaknow, Fake Preggers shows up! Uh-oh!

All this time, Real Preggers and Funny Doc are in Massachusetts (cuz Dr. Baby Stealer’s been making lots of calls up there) hoping to find Barbados Baby. I’m hoping they find Greenlee. And I hope she has a Boston accent now, and she loves the Red Sox and she’s all, “You like apples? I got her numbah! How about dem apples!”

A girl can dream, can’t she?

Baby let's cruise . . .

Alright, so by now we all know what happened end of last week in Pine Valley. Opal's, Tad's and Real Pregger's plan to leave Barbados Baby in an alley so Opal could find him and then Real Preggers and Funny Doc could adopt their own baby went horribly awry. Now Randi (God bless her) found the thing and I'm pretty sure she ain't going to give him back.

Dr. Mrs. Police Chief was bein' apparently too honest about Pervy D.A.'s autopsy and now the case is opened back up, much to Police Chief's chagrin. Also, Madion's a drunk and fiesty as ever.

The End.

So the other day I needed a little "pick me up" and bought a copy of Soap Opera Digest for . . . um . . "research" and in the back of the mag, I saw an ad for this.

Why in the name of all that is holy, did someone not make me hip to this earlier?! Are you telling me I can ride on a big boat with Ryan Lavery and JR?!! Can we dance the night away 'neath the moonlit sky, and talk about our hopes and dreams? Will we be allowed to steal babies and get drunk and shoot at each other!? Gosh I hope so. Seriously, I want to be a part of this. Too bad I have a personal ban on all cruise ships.

Though this is incredibly tempting. And on dry land! I wonder how Dr. David Babystealer takes his tea . . .

Hot Pine Valley Nights

Shoo-eee!! It’s getting’ steamy in Pine Valley! People are kissin’, dudes are almost showing their private areas! It’s August, ya’ll!

Wednesday 8/12:
So I forgot to mention yesterday that Dr. Baby Stealer went to Fake Preggers’ to make out with her. And she was like, “Yeah you just want my baby. Buh bye.” Not that important.

Anyhow, Scott’s all wet and almost nakey and he French kisses CrazAnnie, and dammit she totes forgot about that weird video camera in the parlor or the living room or wherever it is she hangs out these days. So she’s watches and there by erases or stealers the footage (like Grandad even remembers that camera!) and Junior comes over and he’s like, “I kissed Annie,” and Scott’s like, “But I kissed Annie!” and this means they made out with each other and that’s hot. Scott’s all bummed ‘cuz Not Babe does Not Love him, and instead she loves Junior, but see Junior has been bribed by David to Not Love Not Babe and now everything’s mad confusing. So Scott talks his fancy love words and Junior decides to visit Not Babe and be her bf. However, Not Babe is pissed that Junior’s super hot and cold and I’m pretty sure she throws a bed pan at him. Ewwwwww.

Kendall’s stuck in that stupid Ikea basement, and Zach’s like “You’ve got towels and Emilio Estevez’s entire body of work on DVD! You’ve got everything you need! You never need to leave!” and she’s like, “But where do I sleep?” and he’s like, “You’re not that bright are you?” So Zach goes to tend to a casino emergency and Jesse breaks in the house to “Check on The Boys” (So why was he wearing gloves? EH?!!) and Kendall hears him and leaves her Ikea basement, totally ignoring the rules. Then later there’s a montage of Zach’s facial hair and I really think Fake Preggers should lay off the tanner. No one should be orange.

Love is in the air

Love is in the air in Pine Valley! Old people, young people, new people . . . . old people? Basically everyone just wants to do it!

Tuesday 8/11:
So “Kendall” doesn’t want any visitors in jail! Not even her mother! The nerve! Actually the “Kendall” in jail, isn’t Kendall. Instead, last week at the courthouse Police Chief ethered the realsies Kendall and they threw a fakesies “Kendall” in there and took Kendall to the Ikea closet in Zach’s basement. Basically there’s a Robot Kendall in jail and she’ll eventually turn on all of us and destroy Pine Valley. You can’t trust a robot, especially not a Robot Kendall. It’s like a double robot or something.

Emma calls up CrazAnnie, and Lavery’s like “God, how many phones do you have?!” and it seems like Emma maybe lied about the seeing Kendall thing. Yawn. So Police Chief and Lavery and CrazAnnie’s Hypontherapsychocotor all come over to the steamy and sweaty Chandl-ansion (courtesy of broken A/C) to rub oil all over CrazAnnie’s already glistening and sumptuous body and boy is it hot in here?

Erica can’t believe Robot Kendall won’t talk to her, so she finds solace in a little nighttime phone call to Lavery. Turns out they both like some crappy movie with music in it that sound like the theme song to “Moonlighting” but in Spanish.

Scott’s kiss in the hospital with Not Babe went Not Well, and he went into the old “I’m a nice guy, girls don’t like me, poor me thing” (Needy isn’t attractive, Scott) so he goes to the bar where Dr. Baby Stealer gives him some advice that is basically, “Be a d**k.” Thanks, Dr. Baby Stealer, lets perpetuate that idea that ladies like guys who screw them over. Oh but wait, Scott takes it’s one step further and gets all nakey at Grandad’s crib, right in front of CrazAnnie and the guy is super duper cut, and then he takes off his pants and SERIOUSLY IS JUST ME OR IS IT REALLY HOT IN HERE!?

Grandad’s memory is jogged by some poppin’ Champagne and Fake Preggers loves Zach. Really, guys, it’s hot in here.

Viva Viagr . . . gross!!

Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley made a really great point today. No one can seem to refer to Heart Valve and The Other One as anything except "The Boys." Can we switch it up? Zach's all "The Boys" and Erica's all "The Boys" . . . can we call them "The Kids" or perhaps, "Kendall's Sons?" Or even "Heart Valve and The Other One?" Eh, ABC? Eh?

Monday 8/10:
So Zach’s not lettin’ anybody near “The Boys.” Not Erica, not nobody! He’s also the most unnatural looking father ever. We’ll see how long this little “I’m the only one allowed to care for my boys” thing goes. The second one of those kids pukes, he’ll be outta there.

Grandad has gone to the hospital to get . . . ahem . . . a little nudge in his private parts. Okay, I’ll just say it- he wants wiener pills. He wants pills so he can do it all night long with CrazAnnie. Barf. But see, Grandad doesn’t get to tell his medical physician, Dr. Joe Not So Smart, about the Johnson meds before Dr. Not Smart goes to take care of someone having a seizure (more important than wieners) and instead gives Grandad’s chart to Dr. David Baby Stealer and well, whatever, he eventually gets the pills for his ding dong. Again, barf.

Back at the Love Shack, CrazAnnie’s bangs look like crap. They thought they could distract us by putting her in a bikini, but it didn’t work, kids. CrazAnnie tells her roomie, Scott, to go to Not Babe (who as you remember was shot through the heart, and Marian is to blame) ‘cuz he lurves her and they should be together, but then Grandad walks in, and whatever, it’s not important, CrazAnnie’s bangs look like crap. As a lady with bangs, I know you must care for them delicately, you must show them the respect they deserve. Something must be done about this, ABC. I will not allow these stringy things to be shown on my lovely CrazAnnie’s countenance.

Dr. David Baby Stealer totes doesn’t want Junior hanging out with Not Babe, which is super convenient, since Scott luuuuurrrrrvvvvveeessss her. Lavery wants his kid back from Zach, but his kid’s sleeping and clearly not available. Emma has an arsenal of cell phones and I don’t think she for reals saw Kendall shoot anybody, and Kendall hallucinates Zach visiting her in the slammer (that looks a lot like an Ikea closet) and then Babe is like “Um, hellooooo, I’m the only person who gets to be hallucinated! I mean, except, Stuart.”

This week: Dr. Mrs. Police Chief gets a wig!!

All you need to know is . . .

KENDALL GOT LIFE!! NOT BABE GOT SHOT!! BY STUART'S WIDOW!! Oh the irony, right?

Have a good weekend. Don't not not shoot anybody.

J.R.'s collapse was a non-event and I'm pissed

My intention was to get caught up, but sadly, that did not happen. I’m sure it won’t be too hard to figure out what’s goin’ on though.

Also, THAT WAS J.R.’S COLLAPSE? ABC touted it as some huge event! I feel so betrayed. I wanted hospitalization and tubes in his nose and a colostomy bag! All I got was some crying on Not Babe, and I’m Not Happy.

Wednesday 8/5:
So Randi keeps having these annoying dreams about that baby she didn’t have, and it totes sucks. Looks like guilt isn’t great for sleep.

Kendall REALLY wants to confess about that Stuart murder so she does loudly and repeatedly, much to Zach’s chagrin. Zach does convince Fake Preggers to stay on Kendall’s case, however, and I’m pretty sure he did this by sleeping with her. Yeah, whatever, there's no evidence of that but we all know that's how Zach does all of his "negotiating."

Police Chief’s daughter is super suspicious about Police Chief and why he’s so darn obsessed with helping Kendall Slater. It’s like he’s protecting someone . . . someone close to him. And then Mittens is all, “Well, it’s not like somebody in our family killed someone and then covered it up or anything! LOLZ!” Randi’s like, “Um, I’ll be right back.”

Oh and Junior’s really not happy with that whole CrazAnnie/Grandad thing. Really.

Moving on.

Grandad's Gettin' Married!

What's with the shoddy police work in Pine Valley? Why do all of the cops just walk away from the people they're supposed to have in custody? No wonder Police Chief is always so exasperated!

Tuesday 8/4:
Remember how Kendall didn’t want to run away? Well, she did it anyway, because Zach told her to. I wish he’d stop bossing her around, because his plans are always AWFUL! Kendall tries to sail away with one of her sailing sailor friends with a boat . . . and she gets caught. Note to self: heels are never a good choice when you’re fleeing the country.

Tad shows up at Confusion to hit on Blondie in public and make her uncomfortable in front of his ex, and naturally, he spills the beans (kinda) 'bout that baby back home. Dr. David Baby Stealer overhears or something, because he spends all his non-baby stealing time at courthouses and bars. I’d like to state for the record I really like “Casual” Dr. David Baby Stealer, rather than “Business” Dr. David Baby Stealer. He looks so lovely in his leather jackets.

Yadda yadda Grandad wants Scott and CrazAnnie to all be roommates but Annie has to pretend she’s gay because otherwise The Ropers will kick them out. J.R. is super duper bummed about this whole CrazAnnie not being in jail thing, because not only is she not in jail, she’s not not doin' it with his father! Oh, oh, oh and then Grandad (who I have now dubbed "Captain Fire Hazard." Yeesh, ‘nuff candles, Grandad?) proposes to CrazAnnie. Meanwhile, J.R. totes bought a bottle of brown liquor (his fave!) but then smashed it (that’s what I call “alcohol abuse”) and has some sort of fainting/heart attack/vapors spell. Really it’s just that a teeny part of his soul is dying because his father is going to marry a psychotic lady who’s 80 years his junior. It's a reverse "Back to the Future" kinda thing.

Kendall’s thrown in the slammer (officially) and she confesses for the hundredth time. How many times is this woman going to confess? Did the first 99 not take?

So tomorrow, J.R. collapses and this week somebody gets shot and I bet Kendall confesses again.

Kendall has friends with yachts

Andddd we’re back! Fake Preggers is looking a little less orangey today. Nice!

Monday 8/3:
So looks like Funny Doc and Amanda have devised a plan to make Dr. David Baby Stealer think they can’t have kids. And then they’ll adopt. They’ll adopt their own baby! It’s a seamless plan.

And while we’re on the subject, babies are HILARIOUS! You ever notice how funny it is when someone who’s never been around a baby, is around a baby? No? Well just look at Blondie, there, she forgot to burp Barbados Baby! Hahahahahahah . . .ha . . . h . . . okay. Lucky for her, Amanda stops by (she decided to not break in this time) giving Blondie an opportunity to drink her sorrows away at Confusion!

Guess who else is drinking her sorrows away! Nope, not Fake Preggers- she’s in court cuz Kendall’s on trial today. Nope, not Kendall- she’s on trial today. Yup, that’s right- Krystal! Yay! Krystal joins Blondie for some cheese fries, and she does that really creepy thing where she talks about her ex to her ex’s new gf and stuff and how he wears socks to bed and how he’s really great in bed . . . no, wait, don’t think she said that. It was still creepy though. Anyhow, Blondie’s very polite and all, and I’m sure the entire time she was thinking about how she wished she’d just stayed home with that loud, burpy baby, the annoying guy and the lady who likes to break into her house.

Down at ye olde courte house there’s all sort of hubbub and Zach punches Aiden (how DARE you jeopardize his face like that, Slater!) and Kendall has to pee (with handcuffs on! LOL!) and Lavery shows up at the bathroom window and steals Kendall so they can “leave the country.” I love the old “leave the country” plan. Down in the basement (where they’re working on “leaving the country," which should be easy, cuz Kendall's got friends with boats and planes), Funny Doc shows up with Heart Valve and the Other One, and Lavery’s all, “Take your kids and leave the country, Kendall!” Then there’s a montage and Kendall gets sad and doesn’t want to leave for some reason or another, and upstairs Fake Preggers throws a lawyer temper tantrum and smacks Baby Stealer in the head. She totes wasn’t expecting him to be there, seems she forgot that the only thing Dr. David Baby Stealer loves more than stealing babies, is court rooms!

This week: someone gets shot! Hooray!

Do they sell that at the Baby Gap?

I'm catching up on 2 days worth of AMC and my brain hurts (for completely unrelated reasons), so sadly, I don't have much to offer in terms of a recap. Monday, I promise!!

I do want to discuss one thing- did anyone see little Barbados Baby's shirt on Thursday? Did it say "I'd rather be dead?" Doesn't that seem inappropriate for a baby to wear? I mean, he probably feels that way, but it seems distasteful, putting a phrase like that on a teeny tiny baby shirt. I bet it was Liza's suggestion. She's such a good parent.