On Hiatus, You Guys

Looks like my work has gotten all worky and stuff this week, so I'll need to take a quick hiatus from Paraphrasing Pine Valley.

I do have one thing to say, though: GREENLEE BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!! "My man" being Hayward of course. Oh H to N, he's mine Greensleeves, and I like you too much to have to start hating you.

PS- All you folks who are Soap Cruisin' this week, have fun and tell Lavery I said hi!

The One Where Greenlee Walks

So yesterday there was a lot of hanky panky and some breaky wakey in the form of burgleries and stolen cars.

Thursday 1/21:
Grandad's got some big scheme he's scheming and he invites the fam over for a dinner party and everyone's all flipped out about it. Look guys, Col. Mustard, candlestick, library. Done.

Laves starts dreaming about Greensleeves and how they were gonna get wedded, until Reese kissed Zach and Greensleeves rode her motorbike off a cliff and then she died but not really. Apparently this makes him want to take trip with Erica, but she's all, "Child please. Why would I do that on the exact year anniversary of Greensleeve's death?" She's got a point, Laves.

Greensleeves can kinda walk right now. And that's good because Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer is going to pack her up and ship her back to Pine Valley by herself. See, nobody really digs Dr. Dave in PV anymore so he's movin' out . . . cuz if he's movin' up, he's movin' out. I'm pretty sure he's trading his Chevy for a Cadillacacacacacaca. He's leavin' Wildwood, er Wild Wind, and all those Pine Valley losers behind. I got a futon in Queens with your name on it, Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer. Think about it.

According to Soap Opera Weekly, tomorrow's the day that Tad and Liza do it! Is that honestly the "can't miss" moment of the week??? I mean, hooray for Tad, and love is great, but I could use some shooting and drugging right about now!

Happy Birthday, Ryan Lavery!

Today we celebrate the birth of the glorious Ryan Lavery!! Happy birthday, Laves!! May you get all of the bicep revealing turtlenecks your heart desires! Huzzah!

Tuesday 1/19:
Grandad's out of hospital, and CrazAnnie's totes worried he's not letting on just how sick he is. NeoColby is way too self centered to give a s**t just how ill he might be. Instead she's all "reverse- Parent Trap" about it, trying to break up Grandad's marriage up and everyone is kind of annoyed at her antics.

It's Ryan Lavery's birthday!! Why didn't I get the day off of work? His birthday kinda has him down, and he visits Emma and then gets so wasted at ConFusion Madison has to take him home (Sounds like every birthday I've ever had, Lavery. Minus the visit to the kid.) Erica Kane has set up a lovely candlelit dinner surprise (actually, Opal has) for Laves at his condo and there's a bunch of "Do we like like each other, or just like each other? Or do we like like like each other?" junk which is seriously exhausting. No amount of "tee hee, I don't want to reveal my true feelings" stuff is going to make me believe that these two should be a couple. You hear me, ABC?

Guess what? Jake's Barbados Baby's father. Hooray, right? Well, JR was kinda bummed, because he loves kids and who wouldn't want that adorable worable wittle bitty muffin to be their child? Meanwhile in Malaysia, Massachusettes, Greensleeves has convinced Dr. David Hayward Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer to go back to Pine Valley and tell everyone the truth. He happens upon Not Babe at hospital and confesses, and for once girlfriend is super pissed about all of his dying, not dying, my baby, not my baby nonsense. Way to finally get some lady cojones, Not Babe!

Dr. Dave goes to Jake and Amanda's place and he's like, "I'm not the father and I'm not dying." And they punch him!! Both of 'em! They pop him right in the kisser! And you know what? He freaking shakes it off. That's my man. That's my baby stealing, DNA hiding, not actually dying evil doctor! Now, here, let me console you.

Fusion Marketing: Ripped From The Headlines

Did everyone see those "marketing" posters on the walls in Fusion? "Fusion: Twilight" and "Fusion: Going Rouge." Going Rouge! Going. Rouge!

Monday 1/18:
Erica Kane has the charity itch again and she needs somethin' to scratch it. Also, her marketing department has super lame ideas that revolve around vampires and Sarah Palin. She tells Randi and her assistant (Oh, Val!) to tell marketing to get their heads out of their bottoms and to think up something snappy! Madison comes up with the awesome idea to do a campaign where they give the money to a charity. Man, what a coincidence! Erica lurves this idea, and Madison gives Randi all the credit because Madison is now insecure and boring.

Inspector Greensleeves figures out that Barbados Baby isn't Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer's for reals kid. Gosh, she good. Dr. Dave tells her it's because all he ever wanted was a family and he's super t.o.'d that Funny Doc and Amanda did all that stuff to make him think Barbados Baby wasn't his (including a fake funeral!) and then he was his and now he's not his again. Dr. Hayward, I have a solution for this. Marry me. Whatever, I know you're a fictional character and I technically have a fiance of my own, but we could have the best fake marriage ever! We could even have a fake baby! And . . . sorry I'm even creeping myself out.

Anyhoo, Junior and Funny Doc get swabbed for the DNA tests and tomorrow we'll find out the truth! That Amanda is a huge tramp.

Duh!

Today's episode had a lot of crazy leaps of logic and a French house painter.

Friday 1/15:
Grandad's in hospital and he's getting heart surgery. Everyone seems super shocked at this, despite the fact the dude has had like 8 heart attacks/collapses in the past 2 months.

Tad's getting his house painted by some Frenchy named Pierre (that's original) who hired Juno's lame-o boyfriend to work with him. Tad totes saves Lame-o's a$$ when he slacks off on the job, and then gets to second base with Liza. Go Tad!

Greensleeves figures out instantly that Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer told everyone he was dying and that he's totally lying about it. Get her on the PVPD, like, now! We coulda had that "Who Shot Stuart?" wrapped up in day with her on the team!

Turns out none of Hayward's kin have his hereditary fake disease which is seriously weird, because given the statistics one of 'em shoulda had it. Funny Doc's like, "He's totes lying then" but Not Babe's like, "My Dad wouldn't lie to me!" and I'm like, "Have you ever even watched this television program you're on, Not Babe?" Then Not Babe's all, "Maybe he's not Barbados Baby's father." So they find Hayward's hairbrush to run a DNA test . . . and the previews tell us Funny Doc is for reals the father. Sigh. This exhausts me.

Okay, look, here's the deal. I want Funny Doc to be happy. I want Amanda to be happy. But is it even physically possible for him to be the baby daddy? Is she really that much of a slutball that she slept with Hayward, JR AND Funny Doc all in the same week?!! And then forgot about it? That kid is JR's and I know it and you know it and Chuck Pratt knows it.

But that's not even the silliest thing, you guys. There's no way on God's green earth that David Hayward would EVER use a hairbrush. And he definitely wouldn't use a giant paddle brush. He's clearly a wide-toothed comb with a little bit of product for hold kinda guy. Trust me, I've seen that head of hair in person, and it's gorgeous. A brush just wouldn't do it justice.

Annie's Lap Dance of Death

Thursday 1/14:
Yesterday, Madison walked in on Erica and Laves smoochin'. She has a stronger constitution than I, because she didn't dry heave or anything, basically she just left the room. Still those two are paranoid (and kinda self centered, no?) so Erica gives Madison the old, "We're just friends" schpeil. See, Laves and Erica have decided to keep this whole thing on the DL, they don't want anyone to gossip. So they decide to go to dinner at ConFusion. Sure, no one will see you at the only bar in town.

At ConFusion Opal tells Lave he's gonna get a call from someone in his past. Remember this, you guys, it's very important.

CrazAnnie decided to give Grandad a lap dance, and I guess it was "Too Hot For Grandad" because he totally collapsed and had to go to the hospital. Peeping Scott watched the whole darn thing through the window (gross!) so he and Crazy and Colby and Liza (who had come over to give Colby the what for about her "I'mma break up CrazAnnie and Grandad" plot) went to the hospital, Annie still in her negligee. Grandad's gonna be fine . . . I think. I was a little distracted by CrazAnnie's rack.

Up dere in Massachusetts, Greensleeves just wants to know if her legs work. Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer would prefer to just play Gin Rummy, but he obliges and does the whole "This Little Piggy" thing on her and whatdoyouknow, she can feel her foot! She's still not outta the woods yet (we still have to milk this storyline for a month or so), but she calls Lavery (Ding ding ding! Hooary Opal!) but he misses it because he's too busy gallivanting with Erica. She doesn't leave a message, though, because Dr. David is right (just like always) and she shouldn't talk to Lavery 'till her legs are better.

Is it just me, or has Madison who's gone from 0 to 60 in the "delicate flower" department. (Or would it be 60 to 0?) I mean, I get it- abusive father and junk, but why they gotta make her so tragic now? She was so spunky before, now she's just . . . there. I want my knickknack wielding, martini drinking, trust fund gambling Madison back!

Hayward's Fatal Disease is All The Rage

Fake diseases can really ruin your day, huh? Almost as much as for reals diseases!

Wednesday 1/13:
Now that we know Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer's "fatal illness" is hereditary, it totes bums a bunch of people out. If Dr. David had this illness, that would mean Not Babe, Lil' A, and Barbados Baby were all going to die too. But he doesn't so they're not.

Junior, however, has a for reals illness and dude ain't gettin' no love. Instead, NouveauColby is busy accusing him of drinking again. The folks in Pine Valley REALLY need a crash course in the difference between "drunk" and "cancer stricken."

Long story short (because not much happened) Juno's Baby Daddy is still a jerk, Colby's still kind of a brat, Scott seriously needs stop drooling over CrazAnnie and Barbados Baby's adorable little mug is the secret to world peace. Seriously, who can be angry after looking at those chubby wubby lubby widdle cheeks!

The end.

Jobs here! Get your red hot jobs!!

Tuesday 1/12:
Erica and Laves are in bed.

Moving on.

Madison stops by Fusion to see Erica and Randi's all, "Hey want a job lady who terrorized my family?" and Erica walks in and thinks that's a great idea! (I didn't know bludgeoning husbands was so important in today's job market!) It kinda sucks for Randi, though, because Erica makes Madison her assistant personal assistant and she might like Madison a little better than Randi and I'm pretty sure that means someone's getting a brick to the head. Oh oh oh, and Laves is "helping out" at Fusion and, seriously, that whole thing just needs to stop. You guys are killing me.

Nurse Gayle overhears Dr. David telling Greesleeves (who's surgery may or may not have worked- that's the official prognosis) that being a father isn't about DNA or, you know, for reals paternity junk and then Gayle's all, "Hey, wait a minute, you're obsessed with DNA and paternity junk. Barbados Baby isn't your real kid, is he?" Dr. Dave doesn't take this very well, and basically tells her to keep her trap shut.

Amanda must be huffing paint, because girlfriend is getting dumber by the second. After a romantic evening of the limbo and tuba solos, she calls Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer not 2 seconds after Funny Doc walks out the door. Naturally, Jake walks back IN the door and is totes onto her and he's really over his wife fawning all over that dude. I guess Amanda isn't THAT dumb, because she knows how to use Google and later she finds out on teh interwebz that Dr. Dave's "fatal illness" is hereditary. But then she's dumb enough to think that, naturally, Trevor has it. This will surely lead to a DNA test, right? Then we can move way from this particular Hayward plot? Perhaps we can start working on that storyline where this raven-haired blogger struts into town and teams up with a certain equally raven-haired evil doctor who shares her love of black t-shirts. Then they begin a torrid love affair and become King and Queen of Pine Valley. Eh? Eh? (Psst. ABC, call me!)

Limbo into my heart, Jake Martin

So on Friday a buncha courty things happened and now CrazAnnie and Laves have joint custody of Emma. Again, a dance marathon takes two weeks in Pine Valley, but a custody hearing takes an hour. Suuuurre.

Monday 1/11:
Yeah, Laves now has to share custody of Emma with her crazy mother. Complete bummer because well, Annie Crazy. So Emma goes to hang out at Castle Grandad for a week and CrazAnnie crowns her princess of the Chandler Empire, and NeoColby's all "Hey, that's my tiara!"

I guess Jake and Amanda had a fight on Friday (shocker) so Jake, back to his old funny self, woos her with tubas and the limbo. It totally works (even Liza and Tad were feelin' the effects!) until Dr. David Hayward calls Amanda from "Malaysia" to tell her how the "treatments" are going for his "fatal illness" and totes spoils the mood. That dude can mess up someone's day from miles away and that, my friends, is truly a gift.

Meanwhile, NOT in Malaysia, it's Greensleeves' big day for surgery . . . but then it's not . . . but then I guess it is because Hot Doc gets all dressed up in his surgery clothes. They roll her over and she has sexy dreams about Laves, but then she flatlines and they perform CPR and then she's fine. Again, two weeks of people dancing and Greenlee's surgery takes less than 10 minutes?! And what the French did they do CPR for? She had one of those oxygen mouth thingies! They at least shoulda pulled out the electromagnetic zapper paddles to bring her back to life. Good thing this episode featured casual David Hayward in a cozy sweater, otherwise, you woulda lost me, AMC.

Lyin' Ain't Easy

Oh Erica.

Thursday 1/7/10:
Alright, let's just get this over with. Laves and Erica Kane talk about doing it, then they try to do it, then actually do it, then talk about doing it again. Interspersed with all of the talking and doing, we're treated to a montage of their courtship, which includes a lot of running around and getting wet. Erica Kane, I love you. Laves, you are always entertaining. But the two of you together makes my eyes glaze over. And not in a good way. But that's another post for another time.

Tad and Liza started snogging, and their makeout sesh was interrupted by Juno and the kid she stole back. Turns out Juno's Baby Daddy is still a jerk, and this time has taken to punching people at his (former) workplace. Also, he was in a band. So Liza gets him outta jail or whatever (like the only for real thing she's done as a lawyer) and Juno tells her about how cool she thinks she is and Juno's Baby Daddy is not just a jerk, but also ungrateful and he needs a kick in his private place. That would learn him.

Amanda totes overheard Funny Doc yesterday (who is much less funny and more matter of fact these days) about how he was gonna go to Massachusetts to figure out this Dr. David Hayward going to Massachusetts all the time stuff. Amanda thinks he should just stay put, so do Opal and Krystal but Funny Doc is determined to expose Dr. David Hayward and destroy his marriage in the meantime. Coincidentally, his wife seems to be determined to be totes stupes and believe everything Dr. David Hayward says. Things are not good for those two.

Hayward! Hayward's called in some fancy schmancy doctor (who's quite a looker, I must say) to do this whole Greenlee spinal surgery thing. Hot Doc says Greenlee needs to be in a good place mentally in order for the surgery to be successful. Hayward decides this means "lie to Greenlee about everything that happened in the past year (including the whole yawntastic Erica/Laves nonsense)". Lying does pay sometimes, right?

Owie my head.

Dude to headache. Paraphrasing Pine Valley's recap has been canceled today. There's not that much to recap, since it was basically a bunch of talking about stuff that's already happened. And making out. There was a lot of making out.

Here's my favorite picture of Laves:

40 Years!

Tuesday 1/5/10:
All My Children is 40 years old. Pine Valley is the most awesomest place in the entire world and All My Children is an equally awesome show. The only unawesome thing was that ABC only gave 'em one episode. They deserve a whole freaking week of celebration, amiright?

Happy birthday AMC!!

Hayley's Comments

I tried for 20 minutes to upload a picture of Kelly Ripa onto this blog post. I also tried 20 minutes trying to figure out a better pun on "Halley's Comet." Lame on both accounts. You know who isn't lame? Hayley. Hayley rules and I've missed her and that hot hunk of man she's married to.

Monday 1/4/10:
2010!! Holy crap 2010!! Holy crap, Hayley's back! She and Mateo and their tv crew (she's on a tv show in L.A., 'member?) fly their helicopter right on to Grandad's back yard, right in the middle of his second weddin' because they are super bad a$$. See, they're in Pine Valley because gonna film a show about how absolutely awesome it is. Needless to say, Hayley isn't thrilled that her father marrying a psychotic, stabby, brother killin', young chick for the second time. I don't think anyone is thrilled about this. In fact, I've never seen a more pissed off looking group of people at a wedding.

Meanwhile, in a place not nearly as awesome as Pine Valley, Dr. David Baby Stealer tells Greenlee about how she's been asleep for a year, everyone thinks she's dead, and dag, her legs don't work. She could have a surgery for her legs, but she may sorta die. (What was that about not freaking her out immediately upon waking, Dave?) So Greens is torn. Does she call Laves and drop this whole "I'm not really dead" bomb on him and then go and die from the surgery? That would seriously blow. Or does she just not tell him and then well . . . I guess that's it. Greenlee reminds herself about how he's always really dug her and she's all, "Ryan's always gonna love me. Totally."

Back in Pine Valley, Laves isn't thinkin' one bit about Greenlee. Instead he's feeling up Erica Kane and generally being all Lavery about it.

Madison's Creepy Dad is put on trial for being a big abusive jerk, and he's gonna plead not guilty but then Madison totally blackmails him so he pleads guilty instead. I hope that's your last act of blackmailin', Madison. Good girls don't blackmail.

Duuuude! Who's stoked for the 40th Anniversary Spectacular tomorrow?!!! I just wished they could resurrect Leo. I've always preferred a little Leo with my Greenlee