Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you and yours from Paraphrasing Pine Valley!

I don't know about you, but I'm ready for the next decade. See you on the flip side!

xoxo,
Melody

It's a Nice Day for a White/Still In a Coma Wedding

Wednesday 12/30:
Liza bailed Tad outta jail, so naturally Tad returned back to the scene of the crime to figure out what Nurse Gayle and Dr. David Greenlee Stealer are hiding once and for all. Not so fast, Taddy Boy. Dr. Dave has a very logical explanation about Massachusetts being the only place he can get his illegal drugs for his fake fatal illness. Naturally. Tad still thinks somethin' up, and Liza, well, she's a horrible lawyer so they leave and go back to Pine Valley.

Dude, Opal's got those visions again. Opal's visions are not to be messed with. She keeps seeing Emma with a bright light around her. Spooooooky.

Greenlee is asleep and then not asleep and then asleep again, and she totes thinks it's her wedding day and keeps asking where Laves is. Nurse Gayle's all "Dude, Dave. You gotta keep her awake and tell her what's up." Dr. Dave's like, "Fine." and the wakes her up and Greenlee's like, "I'm getting married." And he's like, "Yeah, not really. You've been asleep for a long @$$ time." And she's like, "That didn't happen." And he's like, "Yeah, it did. It happens all the time. It's called a coma."

At Grandad's Castle it's for reals someone's wedding day. Well, someone's for reals second wedding day. Someones' second but kinda their first since the groom passed out the first time wedding day . . . whatever, Grandad and CrazAnnie are renewing their vows. CrazAnnie wants to make the day extra special, so she gets a court order for Emma to attend this monstrosity. Kids love being forced to do stuff. Laves is t.o.'d and he shows up at the second first second wedding too, because this is super uncool. Opal shows up and she's like "Ack! Bad visions! Emma!" And everyone starts arguing and Emma slips outside (keep an eye on your kid, Laves) and whatdoyaknow- there's a bright light around Emma! And wind. And noises and holy crap, aliens! Aliens have come to take Emma to space because her parents are clearly unfit. Nope, no, sorry, actually it's just a helicopter. A helicopter with something way better than aliens- HAYLEY!!

The Day Zach Slater Left Town

I've missed you! I've missed Pine Valley! I've missed Dr. David Hayward . . . and ConFusion . . . I've even missed Laves! I've really missed you, Zach Slater. So glad Kendall's back and you guys are together and I'll get to see so much more of you now.

Wait, what?

Tuesday 12/29:
Greenlee's wakin' up. Kinda sorta. She said, "mumble mumble Ryan mumblemumble" to Nurse Gayle and Gayle tells Dr. David this and he's like, "Ryan? Gosh I hate that guy. I'mma put her back under, cool?" Oh yeah, and Tad arrives at the bar with the hospital room in the back (where Greens is), and is totally going to crack this case but Hayward sees him and has his heiny arrested.

Erica Kane stops by Grandad's for some reason or another, and CrazAnnie was just finishing up a pilates sesh with Sven. Erica's all, "I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DO PILATES! BEYOTCH!" And CrazAnnie's like, "Pfsst. Evs, Erica. I'm going to get custody of Emma." Then Laves stops by and he's like, "Can't we just have that joint custody thingy?" And Grandad's like, "Naw, let's send Emma to boarding school." Grandad probably thinks this is 1838 back when people did stuff like that. You know, back when he was Emma's age. I kid, I kid. Anyhoo, the prospect of CrazAnnie having custody of anything is very troubling to just about everyone, so Laves agrees to let the courts decide and then Grandad bribes/not bribes a judge. (Did he bribe that guy? I can't tell. Am I no longer hip to Grandad's subtleties in regards to his corruption of the judicial system? Have I been gone that long?)

Zach and Kendall are finally back in Pine Valley and all is right with the world. Except not. Zach Slater (aka Thorsten Kaye) is totally not moving to L.A. because he's worried he might run into Heidi and Spencer and those "Hills" fools and just have to unleash the wrath of Zach on them. Or maybe he's staying because his partner, Susan Haskell, is on One Life to Live (a popular daytime drama people really like and one that has decent writing . . . but that's just what Soap Opera Digest tells me.) and it's filmed in NYC and he wants to stay with his honey. Either way today was the last Zach Slater episode forever. Or not. As we all know "forever" really isn't forever in soap land.

I'm gonna miss you Zach. I'm gonna miss your wavy dark hair and your manliness and your poetry and the way you don't take nothing from nobody. I will still invoke your memory here in the Paraphrasing Pine Valley apartment . . . er offices, by saying things like, "Not gonna happen!" in your accent, and telling people that "The Boys should be with their mother." Joking aside, daytime drama loses a fantastic character today. Come back to Pine Valley soon, Zach Slater. Even if it's for a day or two.

Holiday Hiatus

Hey, gang! Paraphrasing Pine Valley will be going on a short holiday hiatus on account of . . . the holidays. Wishing you and yours an awesome one, filled with David Hayward's computer passwords and and naughty photos of the D.A.

"I'm great! A bunch of people think I'm dying!"

It is so nice that the first David Hayward episode of the week falls on the same day when our hermit crab, his namesake (DDHHC for short) emerges from his month long molting! It's a Christmas miracle!

Thursday 12/17:
Everyone in Pine Valley, well the important everyones that is, gets an invitation to a "benefit" for the "hospital." Weird, because it's happening the same day they get the invite. In fact, Krystal and Candy Shoppe architect were going to go on a date to go see that new movie with that "I drink your milkshake" guy . . . what's it called . . . um, there's like singing and dancing and like . . . singing in it? It's called "Eight" or something . . . no wait, it's called "Nine™!" Yes, "Nine™." They were going to go see that critically acclaimed movie starring that attractive chick, but you know what, they'll just go to the "benefit" instead.

Meanwhile, Secret Aidan Man has taken Kendall to a Secret Warehouse and, whatever, he's going to make her love him if it's the last thing does and yadda yadda. We all know he's bonkers and none of us like it. 'Specially Zach. Zach's a crazy genius these days and looks around the hotel room they were in and he totes figures out what the haps is. Hottie Inn Keeper ends up back at the hotel room, after a heart to heart with K. Hart (or something, I dunno what any of those folks are doing anymore) and Zach grabs her and totes makes her take him to the Secret Warehouse. Then Aidan hits him over the head with his gun. I have no words for what my dear, sweet sexy accented Aidan has now become.

Erica Kane (who so didn't feel like going to the last minute "benefit," boy is she going to be sorry!) was gonna go to the cops about how weird this whole Kendall thing is, but Zach and Laves convinced her not to. Then she and Laves talk about how they're each other's presents for Christmas this year and stuff and I'm sure it was really sweet but I was so distracted by the jingle jangle of her earrings that couldn't concentrate on anything except that. Who styled this episode? Seriously. Velour is so 2003 and never ever put accessories that sound like a door bell on an actress. Amanda looked smokin' though . . .

Anyhoo, turns out the "benefit" wasn't really a benefit, but more like a party where Dr. David Baby Stealer reminded everyone of how awesome a deceiver he is. He's all, "Tad, sorry 'bout stealing your wife." "JR, sorry I tricked you into drinking again and then tried to steal your kid from ya." "Not Babe, sorry I ignored you when I found out the cutest baby in the entire freaking world was my son (but not really)" "And 'Manda, sorry I made sweet, sweet love to you, not once, but twice (one of those times in the back of a car) and totally manipulated you into moving in with me." "Oh and by the way, you guys, I'm dying."

Pssssst- Nurse Gail says patient is responding well! And from the previews a Greenlee return is imminent my friends. If I ever crash my motorcycle in my wedding gown, and I fall into ditch, and then everyone thinks I'm dead, but I'm actually in like a coma or something in Boston, when I wake up, I can only hope that the first face I would see would be that of that lovely hunk of man, Dr. David Hayward.

The Day Melody Agreed with Lavery

Today's episode has made me so very very angry that I could just punch the air. And not in like a "Hooray" way but in like a "I don't like you, Charles Pratt, Jr." kind of way. Is all of this nonsense his final "screw you" to viewers? I mean, before it was pretty bad, but seriously, Chuck. Grrrrr.

Wednesday 12/16:
Madison finally stands up to her abusive father, with a little help from Erica Kane, and she's taken for questioning and then Police Chief says he wants her to move in with him and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff, which seems weird, but I like them so, cool.

Kendall keeps calling Zach and Laves from some L.A. cell phone (how I'm not sure, since she's bound AND gagged) and she mumbles stuff to Laves, but Zach still thinks she's being a beyotch. Opal goes to Zach and says how she keeps dreaming of Kendall and then a phone ringing (man, she's good) and Police Chief traces the number and is gonna call the LAPD, and Erica comes over and she's like, "Something's not right" and FINALLY Zach's like, "Yeah, all this is really weird. Imma go save her." So he calls Secret Aidan Man (he's in towel, goodness gracious he's in a towel) and he's like, "I want my wife back." Boom, it's on!

Now onto the most infuriating court case ever. EVER! Is Judd Nelson a social worker or a judge? Because he just keeps helping out CrazAnnie and coaching her and junk and Grandad gets on the stand and UGH it's just too much!! Long story short, CrazAnnie's case is thrown out or dismissed or whatever and Laves is like, "FOR REALS?" And I'm like, "I KNOW, LAVES!! COME ON!!" Then Grandad and CrazAnnie celebrate and Grandad thinks they should get married again. They got married like 2 seconds ago, so I don't know the purpose of that, but whatever, this is clearly Pine Valley, Crazytown right now.

Once more around the block, Judd Nelson!

I mean Judge Nelson.

Have you heard of 5 Hour Energy shots? It's the stuff you can buy in any drugstore, and it's supposed to keep you awake and alert when you have important things to do, like important work things? Well, don't take them. No one told me 5 Hour Energy was made of pure evil, so this means I watched AMC at an embarrassingly late/early time of night/morning yesterday. After scrawling some notes in a daze of caffeine and ringing ears, I could only decipher the following.

"I love David Hayward. Where's David Hayward? I miss David Hayward." (Creepy, Melody.)

"I think Pine Valley needs more fire breathing dragons." (Weird, Melody.)

"They need to re-cast Jesse McCartney but now as Lil' A (isn't it about time that kid went through a dramatic soap aging?) and then whenever Lil' A and JR are in scenes together, they can just stare at each other all confused like. No dialogue. Just weird, 'Don't I know you?' stares." (This is a brilliant idea, Melody and I wish you'd had the cognitive ability to articulate it more effectively. Let's think more about this.)

Moving on . . .

Tuesday 12/15:
Erica went to visit Madison at the Miranda Center, but yesterday (when I was in a daze) Randi took her to that broke down motel where she took the stealed baby that one time. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff shows up at the Miranda center too and Erica has her psychiatry pants on today and she's totes backing Madison and wants to get her away from that super Creepy McCreeperson father of hers. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff is a little like, "Mmmm, I dunno. She killed her husband and terrorized my family." But then she comes around and she's like "Well, Madison's dad super creeps me out. Let's do something about him."

Mittens doesn't like Madison's dad either, and yesterday he punched him in the face (so glad his sexy hands are working again!) and Police Chief totes arrested him, but then Mittens apologized (he didn't want to, though) and didn't have to go to for real jail and then Randi shows up and tells Mad's Dad about how Madison's at the broke down motel. Dude, Randi! What have you done?!

So it's CrazAnnie's trial, and she's representing herself and she's all, "Objection!" and the D.A.'s all, "Objection!" and Erica Kane's all, "Objection!" and I swear, these courtroom scenes are driving me up the wall. Judd Nelson, whatever, Judge Nelson . . . he might as well be Mr. "Breakfast Club" because he doesn't do anything very judge-like! It was all just a mess of un-lawyerly like conduct. Finally, CrazAnnie puts herself on the stand and then Grandad (who is in fact, not on the stand and should not be talking in a courtroom) is like, "I totes knew I killed my brother, and I lied and junk!" and everyone freaks out and I swear Judge Wapner would never ever allow this.

Mad's Dad shows up at the broke down motel and he tries to take her home and Brot and Mittens show up and Erica shows up and we all have pretty much decided that he's no good. Whether or not Madison's going to stand up to him remains to be seen, but if anyone is going to put that guy in his place it's Erica Kane. Don't mess with her, guy, she does Pilates. And she's Erica Kane.

The One with the Plant

Pretty low key day in Pine Valley, huh?

Friday 12/11:
Tad the Cad's got to bad for Liza and he brings her a plant, because he's sweet like that. Jake's there and stuff, and he tells Tad about how was he was kinda mean to Dr. David Baby Stealer and Amanda saw and she was pissed that he'd act like that to a "dying" dude. So Tad tells him to go apologize and make sure Amanda sees and then she'll be less t.o.'d.

Jake takes the plant (Liza wasn't so into it anyway, I thought it was quite lovely myself) and gives it Dr. Baby Stealer, and he apologizes and Amanda sees, but then Baby Stealer flips it on him and apologizes even better and comes clean about how he made sure the car ran out of gas when they were going to the fertility clinic. He leaves out that part about Barbados Baby not being his, but his apology is so much better, and Amanda is totally falling for this whole thing. Hayward does make fake dying pretty sexy, though . . .

Erica took Madison to the Miranda Center, but Madison doesn't really feel like talking to anyone, so they call in Mittens (It's been so long since we've seen him! I've missed you, Frankie!), who I guess volunteers there sometimes, and whoa that's weird because he walks into her room they, like, totally know each other!

Junior's got the cancer again, but the guy won't get treatment before Christmas (bad idea, dude) and he won't tell Not Babe about how it's back. He does tell her, though, about how he gave Grandad the "your son or your skanky wife" ultimatum and because of that Not Babe wants Liza to throw CrazAnnie's case for justice's sake. This seems like something a lawyer shouldn't do, but I didn't go to law school. So Liza's on the case, then not on the case, then back on the case and then CrazAnnie finally fires her because she's gonna represent herself. Way to shed that "crazy" image, Annie. Only lunatics forgo a real live lawyer.


So that's that, as of 12/11 All My Children is out of NYC. I'm completely bummed because now it means I won't "accidentally" run into Dr. David Hayward at the bodega as he's getting his coffee in the morning (I bet he drinks it black.) Don't go too L.A. on me, kids. If Tad starts dressing like Axl Rose, I'm going to be angry.

PS- Would it have KILLED The View to do some research before their AMC tribute show? Um, Whoopi- the "Shandler" mansion? Really?

Grandad's Between a Crazy Lady and A Hard Place

Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valleys says (and I quote), "These people can't drive anywhere with out smashing into something! I've been driving for a long time and I've had a million conversations in a car, and not once has that happened. They can't say anything to anybody without takin' their eyes off the road!"
And this is why we're getting married.

Thursday 12/10:
Grandad went to Stuart's grave yesterday and stuff, and Junior showed up and Laves showed up too. Laves was givin' him grief about not being a good dad or something and then Junior drops the old Cancer bomb on Grandad and then tells him to choose Annie or him! Man, Junior! That's not the old welcome home Grandad was looking for post-acquittal.

Krystal's candy shoppe architect is totally getting fresh with her, but Krystal mentions Tad and if I know candy shoppe architects (and I do) the one thing they REALLY hate when they're asking you out on a date is when you start talkin' 'bout your ex. Opal notices and is like, "Lady, unless you're gonna get back in the sack with my son, just go out on dates and stuff." (She didn't mention the sack stuff, but I understood the subtext.)

NouveauColby throws a mini temper tantrum when Liza isn't super stoked that Juno's going to be staying in town with the kid (I'm with you Liza. This is an awful idea.) and she goes back to move into Casa de Grandad again. You're not winning me over, new girl. And oh yes, Scott tells Not Babe he's got, or had, "the hots," as they say, for CrazAnnie. Grandad's got some big plan about gettin' her out or something, but I think the cancer and the ultimatum Junior gave him is kinda messin' with his head. Also his brother's son, his nephew, made out with his wife, and that's not awesome.

Ryan tells Erica about how Zach wants to like, take over Fusion and junk, and she's like, "Okay" and he's like, "No, not okay!" and she's like, "Whatever" and he's like "No, not whatever" and then they dance and get into the car and almost hit Madison, who even looks pretty with a black eye. B**tch.

Then Liza makes out with Tad, and Krystal calls ye olde candy shoppe architect who she'll probably eventually make out with.

Not Guilty With a Chance of Meatballs

Dude, you guys. I have like a delibitating headache. Makes a blog no fun.

Here's what happened:
Grandad= Not Guilty
Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff= Guilty of a committing a fashion crime with that belt she was wearing.
Zach= angry and totes taking back Cambias Industries LLC CO. ETC.
Juno= taking Stuart but staying in town? (I think this is an awful idea, but no one asked me.)
CrazAnnie= super paranoid
Laves= wearing a turtleneck

Judd Nelson Needs Some Order in the Court!

Things we need to know from yesterday:
Liza forgot to call "no take backs" when she adopted Baby Stu.
Aidan's lost his damn mind.
Dr. Jake tended to a Dr. David Baby Stealer who's taking this "fake dying" thing pretty far.

Tuesday 12/8:
It's the day of Grandad's trial, ya'll!

Liza is so distraught about Juno takin' back the baby, that she misses an early morning meeting with Not Babe and I'm pretty sure she's still drunk in court. That's my girl!

Our friend, Scott, copped a plea and stuff. I kind of didn't pay attention to what kinda sentence he got in return, but whatever it is it ain't murder serious or nothin'.***

Everyone's all in tizzy for this trial. Grandad has his finest Civil War era coat on and Judd Nelson, I mean, Judge Nelson is extra judgey!

CrazAnnie is still in hospital, and Laves chills in her room watchin' everything go down on the boob tube (and also kinda sorta keeping tabs on her and putting doubts in her mind and making her think that Grandad is going to make her take the fall for the murder.)

Zach (who don't want no scrubs, i.e. Kendall) is called as the Prosecution's only witness. Nice work, D.A. Not the Dead Guy. That's your tax money at work, Pine Valleians. Zach's all "my wife" this and "my wife" that and stuff and like totally walks away while Liza's (the Defense, mind you) questioning him (get some order, Judd!! I mean Judge!) and in the hall she's like, "Sorry 'bout that" and he's like, "Can you guys- I mean you and Erica and Tad- can you guys just leave me the heck alone?" Dude, Zach. D.A. Not the Dead Guy called you here, yell at him, kid. Zach's a little testy these days, though, and I understand why, so I'll let this one slide.

Trial trial trial, this person's called to testify and that person is called to testify and the Prosecution rests and the Defense rests and then 3 minutes later the 4 person jury finds Grandad . . . eh eh eh, not until tomorrow!

Okay, so I once had Grand Jury duty for a month. A month, you guys. Now I know this wasn't a Grand Jury dealio, but I honestly think a murder trial of this magnitude would take longer than 20 minutes. We're talking some next level Phil Spector sorta stuff. And jury deliberation would for sure be a lot longer than 3 minutes (and I'm being generous with the 3 minutes.) And Judd Nelson, I mean JUDGE Nelson, musta spent way too much time in detention in law school, because there was all sorts of out of order business going down and all he did was overrule all a' Liza's objections! COME ON!! You've taken Aidan away from me, All My Children writers. At least give me a trial worthy of Adam Chandler.

Phew, okay, I'm done. I love David Hayward! Hooray!!


***Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley has now informed me that Scott got off . . . wait for it . . . "scott free." He also reminded me that Dance-A-Thon 2009 went on for nearly two weeks (right?) Would it kill the writers to maybe consider this in the grand scheme of things? Eesh.

Does David Play the Violin?

Because he's playing 'Manda like a fiddle!

Friday 12/4:
Dr. Dave Baby Stealer's got these experimental Malaysian meds for his fake disease and Dr. Jake steals 'em to get tested for fakeness. Well, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff takes a looksie at 'em and they're for reals experimental Malaysian pills for the disease Dr. Dave doesn't have. Everyone's kinda like, "Hmmmm . . . he could be dying but this IS Dr. Dave we're talking about." Yes, yes it is, suckers.

Juno's got Baby Stu and the awesome apartment and a bunch of Christmas decorations and her BF comes over and apparently the dude has gotten a job good enough to take of all three of 'em. What? I have a college degree and I don't have a job good enough to take care of three people!! So Juno thinks about her sitchimication, and she tells Liza she would very much like to keep the baby that she previously gave up.

Junior has the cancer again. Junior tells Tad, but won't tell his wife. Junior also won't get treatments until Grandad's trial's over. Junior made better decisions when he was a drunky.

'Manda has this cutey home movie of cutey Barbados Baby doing cutey things at the petting zoo. She decides that Dr. David Fake Dying should use it to tape some (cutey) fake last words to the kid who's not really his baby. So he does and it's sad, but not really because he's not really dying and I just love David Hayward more and more each day as this thing unfolds. That dude could sell ice to . . . he could sell a bridge to, um . . . uh . . . he could . . . he could sell something to someone who doesn't really need it. That's how awesome David Hayward is.

Judd Nelson presiding?

Oh JUDGE Nelson!!

PS- I've decided to retire some pseudonyms because well, they kind of don't relate, since no one's really pregnant right now. But just you wait, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before there's a real or fake pregnancy.

Thursday 12/3:
Dr. Jake Martin has decided to blow this Pine Valley popsicle stand and he's outta here. He tells his Dad, Dr. Dad, that he's leaving and he's like, "Wow, that's a bummer. I'm retiring and well, it would be nice if you stayed." You drive a hard bargain, Dr. Dad. Still Jake is done and he's leaving. Or is he?

Know who else wants to leave? 'Manda. 'Manda's leaving Dr. David Baby Stealer and his Baby Stealer abode and his Baby Stealer ways. Dr. Baby Stealer's like, "Okay, that's cool whatever. Except I'm dying." (That's the Hayward I know and love! The lies!!) Dr. Dave tells 'Manda he's got cardial uromysistisis and he's got six months to live and it sucks. Oh 'Manda . . . 'Manda 'Manda 'Manda. I know he's got all those fancy medicine words and those fancy medicine bottles but never believe a thing that guy says! That's how we got here in the first place! I understand his appeal though . . .

At Ye Old Courthouse, Judd Nelson, I mean Judge Nelson lets Scott and Grandad out on bail for all those criminally things they did like consummating a crime and perpetrating a perpetrator. Judd Nelson, I mean JUDGE Nelson, does all that plea and bail stuff in CrazAnnie's hospital room, and remember how she was like, "Imma plead guilty?" Well she doesn't. She in fact pleads the opposite of guilty and Judd, I mean Judge, is like, "Too bad. No bail for you." Both Laves and Liza A$$ Off are not happy about this.

Jake stumbles upon Juno, who's taken Baby Stuart out for a walk in some wildly Barbarella-esque boots (on her, not the baby) and she starts talking about how great babies are and it really gets to him and he decides maybe he should stay and save his own little cutey patootey from turning out like that evil biological father of his (who isn't really his biological father.) So he goes back to his pad, and Tad's eaten his guacamole and 'Manda shows up and he's like, "I guess I'll stay" and she's like, "That's so awesome because David only has 6 months to live, LOL!!"

Oh and Junior's cancer's back.

Pizza coma recap. Not really a recap.

In a pizza coma. No energy to recap. But I will say this: Everyone so sad in Pine Valley today. Everyone so drunk.

Love On the Rocks With No Ice

Tuesday 12/1:
Juno wants to take baby Stuart away to think about whether or not she wants to keep him and Liza A$$ Off's like, "Actually, I'ma leave instead, you stay here cuz Lord knows where you're gonna take that child." So now Juno is living in your sweet pad with Stuart, and you have to schlep your stuff somewhere else? Naw, Liza, haven't you seen "Risky Business?" (Actually, neither have I, but I'm pretty sure "teens wreaking havoc" is a big part of that movie.)

Tad and Krystal and Opal (Hooray!! Love her!) and Junior and Not Babe and the gang get a Christmas tree, decorate it in record speed, and Junior coughs. More specifically, he coughs up blood. This is not good in soap opera land.

Babados Baby comes down with a baby fever, and it's really scary, so Dr. David Baby Stealer and Real Preggers take him to the hospital. Real Pregs calls Funny Doc and he comes over and he gets into a sexy fight with Dr. Dave but then he's like totally over this situation and he's all, "Real Pregs, you're exhausting me and I'm so over it" and splits. There there, Dr. Jake, let Melody take care of you. Oh and Barbados Baby's fine- just an ear infection.

Grandad and Scott are in jail . . . together . . . same cell. Scott wants to go back to Chi-town and Grandad's like, "No don't go" and Scott's like, "Okay, I'll stay." Grandad is a very persuasive dude.

Zach is still soooo pissed about Kendall givin' back her wedding ring and making out with Secret Aidan Man (but not really) and he catches Hottie Inn Keeper spying on him and he's had enough of Kendall's trampin' around. He drinks a bunch of booze, calls over Liza A$$ Off and he's like, "I'm not as think as you drunk I am, give me a divorce!" Then lays a big ol' kiss on her. Awesome.

Baby a go-go

And we're back!

If I have a baby, and my baby isn't as cute as Barbados Baby I am going to be so incredibly bummed. That is the most adorable worable teeny weeny smoochie woochie baby in the world!!!

Monday 11/30:
Zach isn't taking the whole seeing Fake Kendall making out with Aidan thing very well. Probably because he doesn't realize it's Fake Kendall. He throws away all of her pretty dresses and doesn't want that beyotch to come home. Hottie Inn Keeper (she's no good I tell you) shows up at his house and she's all, "Kendall wanted me to give this to you" and hands him an envelope. First Zach refuses but then it's there when he's like, going out to get a pizza or something, and in the envelope it's totally Kendall's wedding ring! Which I'm sure she gave up willingly right? With her being chloroformed and all? NOT!

Real Preggers spills the beans to Funny Doc about the s-e-x with Dr. Dave and, understandably, Funny Doc is a little t.o.'d. What's so ironical about the situation, is that he doesn't know, and Fake Preggers doesn't know that Barbados Baby doesn't really belong to Dr. David Baby Stealer, he's somebody else's baby! (I don't care what they're saying, I'm pretty sure that kid is J.R.'s.) Real Preggers is really bummed because she's, like, lost her husband (she even throws a pregnancy test at Dr. David Baby Stealer!) and this situation is as bad as bad can be. Never thought a plan as air tight as live with Dr. David Baby Stealer and carry another baby for him would turn out like this, huh? Rule one: don't trust Dr. David. Rule two: Refer to rule one.

Juno's hangin' out with Baby Stuart while Fake Preggers is gone doing lawyer stuff, and Juno's BF comes over and he's acting like he kinda likes that kid he fathered. See Fake Preggers would prefer he not hang out in her house because he's kind of a skeezer so she gets mad when she finds him there. Juno gets all teenagery about the situation and she's like, "I, too, kinda like this kid I gave birth to and then gave to you. I'd like to borrow him for a bit and see if I'd like to take care of him for the next 18 years." Dude, that sucks Fake Preggers. Rule one: don't let unwed teenage mothers live with you and your adopted baby who is the baby they gave birth to in the first place and then gave up. Rule two: See rule one.

Finally, Tad and Krystal are getting closer (which makes me super happy. Tad deserves a lady these days.) and they make out and stuff on the floor. Krystal wants to open a candy shop with coffee and candy and cookies and that sounds like the best idea ever. Throw some puppies to play with in the mix and I'm your first investor!!

This week: Dr. David Baby Stealer is "dying." Real Preggers, you're gonna believe him? Do I have to go over the rules again?

I'm Thankful for Dr. David Hayward.

Actually, I'm thankful for all of my folks on my story, but I am extra thankful for that gorgeous evil doctor.

Once again, sorry for the lack of recap, I blame it on the tryptophan.

Crazy paternity craziness, huh?

And NuColby came onto the scene like a bat outta H E double hockey stick, huh?! Firey that one.

Have a good weekend, ya'lls. Hug an evil doctor!

5 Words

"That's not fair to hookers."

Bad Day

Example of a bad day.

Man, EVERYONE had a bad day in the PV!

Wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? Here it go.


Monday 11/23:
(Sung to the tune of that "Bad Day" Song)

Grandad had a bad day
He's gonna go to jail
His wife is in a coma what will happen to his mail?
Could it get any worse?
But Scott is such a whiz
He tested Annie's blood
Now Grandad knows that kid was his
But it was still a bad day

Zach had a bad day
Saw A mackin' on K
He's really so distraught
He trashed his own darn place
But it wasn't really her
Just her body double
Yet Kendall's now cloroformed and in big trouble
They both had a bad day

Amanda had a bad day
She's hiding stuff from Jake
He got real stressed out
And hit David Hayward in the face
Dave also had a bad day
Not just 'cause of the punch
His sperm isn't awesome
Trevor may not be his son
David had a bad day

All My Children Farewell to NYC Show!

Since I didn't want to plaster the internet with my personal photos, I invite you to enjoy the above artistic interpretation of my experience at the All My Children Farewell to NYC event yesterday.

It was my first time in Staten Island AND my first soap fan event and it completely ruled. Vincent Irizarry, Michael E. Knight, Darnell Williams and Ricky Paull Goldin spent the afternoon telling hilarious stories and answering audience questions, and we even got a little bit of insight on the move to L.A from the men themselves. It was so amazing seeing 4 of my favorite actors from my favorite show live and in person. The meet and greet was also really fantastic, and they even spent personal time with everyone who stuck around for the reception, despite the fact that it ran about an hour late.

I can honestly say that those guys are some of the nicest folks I've met and they're all wildly attractive. WILDLY attractive! I only wish I could've mustered up something a bit more interesting to say to Vincent *swoon* but hey, I was starstruck. I'm glad I even remembered my own name.

I'm really bummed this is probably my last opportunity to go to one of these events. Hopefully, they won't forget about us East Coast folks when they head out to LA LA Land!

PS- Duuuuuddddeeee, Chuck Pratt was fired!! Holy cow!!!

Lady Parts Friday!

Friday 11/20:
Grandad 'fesses up to Stuart's murder. Finally, goodness gracious it took us a long time to get here. He don't want no lawyer, he don't want no help, he just wanna pay. So we're done with this thing, right? It's it? Kapish? Somehow I sense we're not outta the woods just yet, though.

I forgot to mention yesterday that CrazAnnie has the cramps. Not just any cramps, but the pregnant lady soap opera cramps AND she's totes bleeding all over the place. Poor Lucretia, she's had to mop up blood off that rug way too many times in the past few months. So CrazAnnie goes to hospital, and naturally she loses the baby (Is this irony? Can someone ask Alanis?) but there's something else wrong!

Zach is so incredibly pissed that Tad didn't bring back Kendall. So pissed he gets his secret gun, goes to the casino, chokes the guy he hired to follow Tad and is just generally aggro.

Secret Aidan Man decides that Kendall would be a lot more fun if she wasn't just drunk, but also drugged. So the Hottie Inn Keeper gives him some of those drugs (Libidizone, anyone?), and he totes slips 'em in her wine. Kendall gets totally loopy and starts calling Secret Aidan Man "Zach" and takes her top off, which naturally, Zach sees. Good luck with all of this Aidan.

Real Preggers can't keep this secret to save her damn life. She acts all weird and won't take Funny Doc's calls, and he confronts Dr. David Baby Stealer about how they didn't go to the insemination plant and he's like *shoulder shrug*. Then Funny Doc confronts Real Preggers and lord have mercy girlfriend keep it together if you're going to hide the fact that you did it in the back seat of the car with Barbados Baby's baby daddy! Then Funny Doc punches Dr. David Baby Stealer in the face. It's so sexy when my one boyfriend fights my other boyfriend. Is this what those "Twilight" books are about? (Please don't answer that cuz I don't really care.)

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Grandad Scorned

Sorry I was gone yesterday!!!

Here's what we need to know:

Grandad has video evidence of Scott and CrazAnnie smoochies.

Funny Doc is so finding out that Real Preggers and Dr. David Baby Stealer did "it" to make a baby.

Greenlee's totes alive!!

Moving on.

Thursday 11/19:
Scott's not just an uncle wife kisser, he's also a drunkie. And a disorderly one at that. He gets arrested for the drinking and the disorder and CrazAnnie bails him out. They go back to the Grandad Mansion and (OH SNAP!) Grandad knows everything those two fools have been up to and he wants them outta his crib. Out out out.

Meanwhile, the Hottie Innkeeper takes Kendall to a musty old bar for some reason. I honestly have no idea why but I think it might have to do with how creepy Aidan's become. At ye olde Inn Detective Tad shows up to take Kendall back home and Secret Aidan Man's like, "Naw, Kendall's cool. She can stay here." So Tad leaves Kendall-less. Secret Aidan Man fixes a picnic of booze and booze, and Kendall gets drunk and he gets even creepier. You're killing me, Aidan!

Grandad is all sorts of torn up over his floozy wife that he goes to Erica's and he's all going to confess and junk. And . . . that's all I got. Le sigh.

The end of this Stuart business- are we there yet?

Check a box!

Tuesday 11/17:
As expected, CrazAnnie is an awful hospital patient, so she wants to leave. Back at Casa de Grandad, Laves stops over and he's like, "Dude, you're trying to get custody of my kid?" and Grandad's like, "Oh really? Is that what my lawyer's doing?" and Laves is like, "Fine. Here's a sexy video of your wife and her nephew, your nephew, Stuart's son, Scott." Grandad is pisssssed, so he decides to go on a "business trip" and hooks up the old secret camera in the ceiling for some secret video taping of those two awful human beings. And he's got some good footage, because CrazAnnie and Scott can't be in a room together with shoving tongues down each other's throats.

So the Police Chief family was all called together at ConFusion for a meetin' about Madison. They all kinda thought Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff invited them, but nope, 'twas Mad's Dad. Dude's like, "My daughter has schizophrenia and she's really sorry about all of the terrorizing." Then he wheels out Madison, who is CLEARLY a robot now, and she's totes sorry and shakes everyone's hands and they all agree they're gonna leave that robot beyotch alone. But wait, turns out Robot Madison slipped Police Chief a note that said something like, "Will you help me? Check yes or no." Guess which box he checks.

Kendall and Zach hate each other. Or don't. Or something. All I know is Zach makes Tad dress up like a cable guy so he can use his detective skillz (I always forget that guy used to have a job!) to track down Kendall. And Secret Aidan Man is really creepy and just wants Kendall to love him. For the record, I much prefer smoldering Aidan to desperate and creepy Aidan.

Laves is still fuming about the custody stuff, and he sneaks into Dr. David Baby Stealer's office (actually, he just walks on in) and guess who's medical records are up on the screen- GREENLEE!!!! YES!!! As happy as I am about Greenlee's return, I take issue with the way Laves discovered this information. Laves is a numskull and Dr. David Baby Stealer, would NEVER be so stupid as to leave his computer a: unlocked and b: with an open medical record right there. Also he would never c: have a screen saver that looked like his desktop. Though I do believe he would have a photo of a baby as his wallpaper.

Wham Bam, Thank You Aman . . . da

Awwwwww, wook at dis wittle itty bitty witty baby. Is he da wittlest wutest waby in da whole world? Yes he is!!

Monday 11/16:
Annnnnnnnd Dr. David Baby Stealer and Real Preggers do it. All romantic like in the back of a sedan. Hey if it gets Dr. David Baby Stealer his baby then, whatever, no heart shaped hot tub needed. Real Pregs is real not happy about this particular situation. Also, she's the worst liar and is so not going to be able to keep this from Funny Doc, who already suspects something's up. It's okay, Funny Doc, let me hold you. Two wrongs make a right, right?

Kendall is really pissed about those messages from fake Zach. Zach is also getting ticked off at the fake Kendall messages (that are really from Secret Aidan Man and the Hottie Inn Keeper, who for being so rock and roll should really do something more exciting than drink coffee and visit chat rooms) and he has an angry day dream about Secret Aidan Man and Kendall snuggling in a big comfy bed. For a sec it seems like that day dream cuddling may actually become reality, but then Aidan gets a conscience and and puts the brakes on the thang. That's because he's an upstanding gentleman who looks smashing in jammie bottoms.

Erica and Laves and Zach are gonna plant a seed of doubt in Grandad's old man brain about who CrazAnnie's baby daddy is . . . to get a confession. That's what they still want right? I've kind lost track of their meddlin'. They don't seem to get that far, but then Grandad totes sees Scott and CrazAnnie holdin' hands in the hospital, and he thinks that's fishy. See Scott was going to be all, "My name is Scott, and I'm outta here" but CrazAnnie was all, "No, Scott, I need you" and Grandad saw all that holding hands and looking at each other. Gosh, you guys, keep your pants on!

Scott? Is there something you'd like to tell us?

Friday 11/13:
CrazAnnie goes to the hospital, since she "lost the baby" and Laves pops out and he's all "You're totes not preggers" and she's like, "You're such a jerk!" and he's like, "I know you are but what am I?" and she's like, "Sticks and stones . . . I don't feel good," and faints. For reals. Not faking. She faints.

Zach wants Junior to help put Grandad in jail, but Junior doesn't want none o' Zach's drama. Zach just wants his wife back. Liza A$$ Off thinks Zach should take a chill pill.

At ye olde inn, turns out Hottie Inn Keeper and Secret Aidan Man have now been intercepting those chat room messages, so Secret Aidan Man can get in Kendall's pants. Hottie Inn Keeper ups the stakes and sends a message to Kendall from "Zach" and it's all, "Liza and I hung out last night and yadda yadda yadda now I'm tired." Kendall is so not happy with this and Secret Aidan Man boozes her up and she takes an angry nap and has angry dreams about Liza A$$ Off and Zach doin' it.

Speaking of doin' it, Real Preggers and Dr. David Baby Stealer are totally going to have the sex to make a baby. He swears on Barbados Baby that he won't tell Funny Doc about the funny business. I kind of think you might need something stronger than a swear on a baby, Real Preggers. I suggest a legal contract or like, a kidney in return or something. This is Dr. David Baby Stealer we're talking about.

CrazAnnie wakes up, and Funny Doc had totes done her examination while she was unconcious (which seems incredibly inappropriate) and turns out she was actually pregnant!

Scott?????? What did you do????

How to make a baby. And not.

Today's episode is all about keeping families and people together. Except you, Colby.

Thursday 11/12:
Yeah dude, Grandad thinks CrazAnnie's pregnant. This is a problem because girlfriend is very much not pregnant. Grandad kinda walks in on a secret convo between Craz and Scott about how she's so not preggers, but they flip it on him and make him think it's about getting custody of Emma. So then Grandad calls up his mafia lawyers and, well, you can see where this is going.

Dr. David Baby Stealer and Real Preggers have a very important fertility appointment out of town. Dr. David Baby Stealer has to take a short cut through the dark woody woods, and oh oh oh, wait a minute, they run out of gas. Darn, the tow truck can't come til tomorrow morning. Hmmmmm. What to do? Guess this means they'll just have to have the sex to make a baby instead!

Junior wants to get Grandad committed 'cuz he's acting all funny. Not funny "ha ha" but funny like, "he didn't sign a prenup when he married CrazAnnie." And he killed someone. Liza A$$ Off says you can't just go and commit people. She would know because she's a lawyer. You should try though, Junior, because if it works, I have a whole list I'd like to submit for commit-ance.

With CrazAnnie all Fake Preggers, she needs to find a way to be Real Not Preggers, stat. She wants Scott to throw her down the stairs, but he reminds her that he's a lover, not a fighter, so she throws herself down the stair and oops, may have lost that pretend baby!

Laves is psychic and knew she would do this, so he and Erica Kane (who are going steady now!) are perched at hospital, ready for that Fake Baby Losing CrazAnnie and they're totes going to get a confession or something. For the love of Pete, you guys, evvvvverrryyyyoonnneee in Pine Valley knows Adam killed Stuart. Can we just forget about this whole thing, because I kind of don't really give a rat's a-word anymore. Let's focus on the things that matter. Like Greenlee.

And seeing Aidan shirtless.

Pine Valley? More like Pine Screwy!!

Let's just ponder this photo for a moment, shall we? Reflect on this. It's only a matter of time before this glorious hunk of man is ripped away from us.

Sorry I was gone. I was busy getting the best tattoo ever. By now I bet you've seen Tuesday's and Wednesday's episodes, so I won't bore you with a recap. (Plus getting a tattoo is hard work and I am very tired.)

I will say one thing though: Pine Valley is one mixed up town!!

This one's pregnant, that one's not pregnant. This one's dead, this one ain't dead. This one loves that one, but that one loves this other one.

And for the love of Pete, take that computer away from Kendall!!

Because Hell, Hell is for Chandlers!

Or should I say "Purgatory is for Chandlers."

Monday 11/9:
So while the Yankees were busy ruining my life, I guess CrazAnnie and Grandad tried to get hitched but Laves said a bunch of stuff about Stuart and now Grandad is in the cardiac arrest. He's in the cardiac arrest in Purgatory, to be exact, where Dr. David Devil Baby Stealer and CrazAngel Annie are fighting over his soul. Well, CrazAngel wins out (with a little CPR some help here on Planet Erf by Zach) and Grandad wakes up, totes says "I do" as in "I do not really want to go to Hell" but this is a wedding and that means the deed is done, ya'll! They's are old man and crazy lady now!

Also while my life was being ruined on Friday, Kendall and Secret Aidan Man ended up at some Bed and Breakfast with a hottie Inn Keeper who clearly has some sort of history with Aidan. Who doesn't? She runs out to get milk for coffee (Secret Aidan Man is definitely bad ass enough to drink his black though) and the sheriff, who also has a history with hottie Inn Keeper, stops by. Our little Inn Keeper gets around. You'd think the Sheriff, being law enforcement and all, would be up on this whole fugitive on the run for murder thing, but he's not. He doesn't recognize either of those fools and they get to be on the lam another day. Kendall starts to whine about how much she misses Zach and she wants to IM him and junk, and Secret Aidan Man is like, "For the zillionth time Kendall. NO!" and then he leaves. Don't leave her alone, dude! What does she do? She IMs Zach and she might as well just send the Feds a Google Map of their location. You are the worst fugitive ever, Kendall.

At hospital, everyone in Grandad's family seems to have figured out that he shot Stuart, but dude still won't confess. Partially because he's got that sort evil streak in him, partially because he thinks he's having a baby, and mostly because he's a crazy old coot. CrazAnnie says some nice things to Grandad, and then outside his room Scott find her wedding ring in his pocket and is all, "May I do the honors?" and then slips it on his finger. NO NO NO Scott! That is NOT how that works! I liked you better when you were inventing defective heart valves and not mackin' on your uncle's girl.

Why do you hate me, New York Yankees?

Okay, I get it. People love baseball. And people in NYC LOVE the Yankees.

Now see, I live in New York City and I have many dear and close friends whom I absolutely adore who are, in fact, Yankees fans.

However, I'm originally from Baltimore. Since the month of October in the year of 1996, when the Jeffery Maier Incident occured and the World Series was stolen from the Orioles, I have not been able to enjoy the Yankees. Yeah, whatever, it was like game one of the American League Championship but still, this incident haunts me to this day.

Plus in the world of sports I much prefer football and I kinda don't know anything about the ball they call base.

Still, why New York? Why would you preempt All My Children and instead air a parade with a bunch of drunk people screaming "JETER!!!"? I pay taxes from my well deserved paycheck to this city. Good American dollars. And today you deny me one of the things I love the most- my stories. This, the very day that Grandad and CrazAnnie were to be married. Why ABC? Why hast thou forsaken me?

Alas, once again I shall consult those other recaps. But it's not the same. New York I love you, but you're bringing me down.

Move over Chief, there's a new Chief in town

They're really laying it on thick with the sexy stuff this week, huh? First Funny Doc and Real Preggers, today Junior and Not Babe! Is it hot in herrrrre?

Thursday 11/4:
Dr. Mrs. Police Chief is the new Commander in Chief of Staff of hospital. Well, that was easy. It was like Dr. David Baby Stealer just gave her the job, because he wanted, like, more time to mess with Funny Doc and Real Preggers and break up their marriage. That couldn't be the case, could it?

Junior wakes up super happy he no longer has the cancer. Not Babe's all, "I kinda liked it better when you were dying. It was more fun and stuff." And Junior's like, "You want to break up?" And she's like, "Nah, it's cool. I dig the healthy you, too." And then they do it.

Laves grills Grandad, as one brother killer to another, trying to get a confession, but CrazAnnie's fake pregnancy has him keeping his lips sealed. Plus Scott arrives in time to interrupt any confessin' that may be happening. So this means that Scott knows that Laves knows that Grandad knows he killed Stuart.

Being Commander in Chief of Staff of hospital is hard, as Dr. Mrs. Police Chief finds out on her first day. She also kinda wishes she hadn't been so sneaky about getting the job in the first place, with the blackmailing and stuff. As long you didn't club him with a knick knack, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief, you're fine in my book!

Funny Doc hangs out with Barbados Baby while Real Preggers has her fallopian tubes tested. Barbados Baby is a really great listener, in addition to being the cutest wittle muffin in da whole wide world! Yes he is!!! Turns out getting artificially inseminated is kinda difficult, and it may take longer than 9 months for this whole Dr. David Baby Stealer deal to be over. Gosh, it's like he knew how hard it would be, and that it would strain their relationship if Funny Doc and Real Preggers were apart for a long time. It's like it was his plan or something . . . naaaaaawwwwww.

I got your ringtone right here.

Seriously, Emergency Broadcast System? You choose a critical moment during All My Children to run a test?!! What are you trying to do to me?

Wednesday 11/4:
Grandad is totally bummed that he killed his bro. So bummed that he's totes going to confess. CrazAnnie and Scott (because they're selfish) are like, "Naw dude you can't do that!" and Grandad has one of his heart spells and ends up in the hospital. Now you've done it, CrazAnnie and Scott. I mean, I guess you tried to help him by calling out Dr. David Baby Stealer for all of the drugging, but I feel like ya'lls are more of a problem than a solution. But that's just me.

Kendall can't stop screwing everything up, so she calls Zach . . . who's in jail . . . on a cell phone . . . and kinda talks about everything that's going on. Then there's a gun shot and she hangs up and Zach freaks out and calls Fake Preggers to bail him out.

Secret Aidan Man was only shooting snakes (hence the gun shot) but he's super t.o.'d that Kendall was a huge dummy and called Zach (The Feds, Kendall! The Feds!) So Secret Aidan Man does what I want to do every time my phone rings- he stomps on it.

Grandad's in hospital, and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief runs a test on Grandad's drugs and whatdoyouknow, they're totes not heart meds and instead they're loopy drugs. She tells Dr. David Baby Stealer that she's onto him, and he's like, "Yeah, well, your hubby's in on it too." And she's like, "Okay, fine, I won't turn you in. But you have to do one thing. You have to BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP" And a mother truckin' test of the Emergency Broadcast System mother truckin' covers up what she says. Apparently, I can read lips though, because I'm pretty sure she tells him to step down as Chief of Staff. Go me.

Remember how Real Preggers and Funny Doc aren't allowed to do "it?" Remember? Remember? They really really want you to know this. Since they can't do "it," they hang out on the floor and pretend to do "it" by saying sexy things to each other and they succeed in making me very, very uncomfortable.

Down at hospital Grandad really wants to confess (and Laves and Erica Kane want him to confess too) but CrazAnnie really doesn't want him to confess and she's like, "You can't go to jail because . . . I'm pregnant! LOL!" Fantastic, CrazAnnie. Now YOU'RE fake preggers. Which means I can't call Liza Fake Preggers! There really can only be one fake preggers. Henceforth, I shall call Liza . . . Liza A$$ Off. Yeah!

Oh and Zach goes to the country church and then The Feds show up but Secret Aidan Man and dummy Kendall escape and yadda yadda yadda. Sorry, I was all wrapped up in fake pregnancies.

Speaking of fake fake pregnancies, congratulations to Alicia Minshew on the (for reals) birth of her baby girl!!!!

Church wine and doin' time

The name of my country album is so going to be "Church Wine and Doin' Time." No one steal it, 'kay? I'm talking to you, Internet.

Tuesday 11/3:

I seriously can’t keep track of what Junior decides to bitch about these days. He wants a kid with Not Babe, but then he finds out his buddy from the support group died, so he get super bummed and doesn’t want a baby but instead wants a drink. Luckily, Tad knocks that ish outta his hand, and they all end up at hospital where Junior’s grumpy and then (surprise!) he learns he’s in remission. You better buck up now, Junior. Doctor’s orders.

Grandad’s at Stuart’s grave site and has one a’ them “Hamlet” moments, and Scott and CrazAnnie show up and CrazAnnie snatches the gun just in time for Laves and Erica Kane to pop up. CrazAnnie turns the gun on them, so Grandad goes home and freaking CrazAnnie gets hauled into the station one more time. But see, CrazAnnie didn't never say she killed nobody, and still won’t say so while she’s in the clink. Grandad didn’t never say she killed nobody either, so she gets to leave. Back at da Chandler Crib, Grandad’s like, “How come didn’t you rat on me?” and she’s like, “Because I really love all of that money you have . . I mean you . . . I love you! Hey, look over there!”

Still at the country church, Secret Aidan Man has a big ol’ crush on Kendall. He finds some church wine (Screw top! My kinda church!) so they get tanked and he keeps intercepting all the messages on the lame poetry board from Zach, who’s in jail (Don’t ask me why. Probably for something he didn’t do.).

And at the station God smacks Laves in the head or something, because he realizes maybe Grandude’s the for real murderer instead of CrazAnnie. Well done, Laves. Only took you a year.

Technology: 3, Me: 0

Let me tell you a little story . . .

Yesterday, we here in America did something that we like to call "fall back," meaning Daylight Savings Time kicks in . . . or turns off, I can't remember which. Regardless, all the clocks in the U.S. of A. were supposed to change, including DVRs. Well, yesterday, I made an attempt to switch the lovely DVR clock back, but according to Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley (whom, for the record, I love with every fiber of my being, I mean that. Seriously. More than Kendall loves Zach and more than the old JR loved booze), I was "doing it wrong." So he took over the task.

And you guessed it, I taped the news instead of AMC. I have remedied the DVR situation, and have now "done it correctly" and Tuesday All My precious Children will in fact, be recorded. Of this I am certain.

I shall consult some of those regular recaps today. For tomorrow is another day, and then I shall arise anew with DVR clock that is appropriately set. Fare thee well, my friends. And Godspeed. May Daylight Savings Time smile upon you and may your own television programs be recorded to your every hearts desire.

It was a graveyard smash!

Friday 10/30:
It's the day of Monster Mash, ya'll! Everyone's there in the monster finery. There are mummies and vampires galore!

Juno's supposed to be watching little Stuart, since Funny Doc (the mummy) has asked Fake Preggers (Cruella Deville) to keep Dr. David Baby Stealer busy at The Mash. But gee, Juno's Baby Daddy (he's a total douche- that's not his costume, that's just who he is) stops by, and a Mash seems a lot more fun than hanging out with some kid who cries all the time, so she leaves. Yeah, whatever she calls a babysitter, but that is so uncool, Juno.

Tad (Gomez Addams) lets it slip to Krystal (Morticia Addams) that Dr. David Baby Stealer (who's dressed as himself this Halloween, my kinda guy) is forcing Real Preggers to have another baby with him. So Krystal socks him. Happy Halloween!

Grandad and CrazAnnie show up (appropriately as Mr. and Mrs. Frankenstein) at The Mash, and Erica and Laves (who are dress up as a pretty lady and a dude with teeth) pull the old "HELP ME ADAM" written in red paint thing and it freaks him out so they take him home. Guys, Grandad is an old man. With a delicate heart situation. Ya'lls are mean.

The Meanies have also somehow gotten Scott and CrazAnnie stuck in the elevator and she freaks out because she can't breathe and it seems like the Mental Hospital and she kisses Scott. Naturally. Maybe she thought that was how CPR worked.

Back at Chateau Grandbag, Zach has "recreated" the night of Stu's murder, complete with power outages and thunderclap special effects and ZOMG Grandad remembers!

Bippity boppity boo.

No sex in the champagne room

I don't know about you, but I can't wait for the dress up party tomorrow!!

Thursday 10/29:
So Grandad's interrupting the kid's Halloween party, and he starts yappin' about how he misses his bro and junk. The old CrazAnnie/Laves/Erica Kane trifecta's there, too, and Em totes thinks that Grandad is now sorry he killed his bro (though he's still not remembering that part) so CrazAnnie takes this as a cue to get the weddin' back on.

Scott's whining.

(That's all there really is to say about that.)

Dr. David Baby Stealer meets with Real Preggers, Fake Preggers (her lawyer) and Funny Doc. Turns out the contract he drew up for the "give me a second baby" thing has a "no doin' the nasty with Funny Doc" clause, as well as a "live in my house 'till you pop that thing out" clause. First Real Pregs is like, "Nu uh" but then somehow, for some reason Funny Doc changes her mind and she's going through with it. Dr. David Baby Stealer explains to Fake Pregs that he wants a baby because he's lonely and that only 2 things matter in this world: 1. stealing babies and 2. drugs . . . I mean love and family! Love and family!!

Brot and Natalia share a sexy and special moment as she washes his back. Not sure how he got car schmutz on his back, but okay. Then Brot drops the spark plugs he stole out of the car and totally ruins the mood. Natalia gets all pissed off and makes him walk home.

Juno's watching her/Fake Preggers kid and she tells Colby how she wants to be a full time mother and then her/Fake Preggers kid cries and she's like, "I was joking. Kids are dumb." Not really, but I think she kinda doesn't want to be a full time teenage mom. Hence the reason she gave up the thing in the first place.

Zach's thiiiiiissssss close to getting Grandad confess to the murder he didn't commit, so he plans a super scary surprise for him at his chateau- a frightening painting that says, "Help me Adam" in red paint! Personally, I think digging up Stuart, putting sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt on him and carrying him around would be much more effective.

Bernie may be dead, but he's still the life of the party!

Hi, my name's Ryan Lavery. Welcome to the gun show.

Wednesday 10/28:
Natalia didn't shoot Secret Aidan Man. She and Brot weren't anywhere even NEAR that country church. It was just a bunch of punk kids doin' punk things. But Secret Aidan Man scared them away with creepy haunted noises. Oh Secret Aidan Man.

Over the past few months Junior's gone from drunk to nice guy and now he's at "whiney Mr. Meanie." He's gets all pissy with Not Babe because she brought him yogurt and he saw her crying yesterday and he might not be able to give her a baby if she ever wanted one. A: We steal babies here in Pine Valley, so don't even worry about that and B: Try not yelling at someone if you don't want them to cry. Not Babe is very nice and she loves you a lot, Junior. In the words of Police Chief, "Deal with it!"

In order to have an opportunity to fill her daughter's head with more lies, CrazAnnie shows up at Laves' crib with a lame-o Lady bug costume for Emma, but see Emma's already dressed like Princess Jasmine™ and that's her favoritest. They settle on some costume change agreement, but I think CrazAnnie might be losing her grip on little Ems.

Remember how CrazAnnie told Ems she wasn't gonna marry Grandad? Well, Erica Kane wants to go gloat and stuff, so she goes over to Grandbag's hizzy, and she's all, "Totes bummer about your wedding being cancelled, huh?" Grandbag (who's officially a crazy old coot now) is like, "Whatchutalkinbout, Erica?" And she's like, "The wedding, you're not doin' that whole thing." And he's like, "Well, nobody told me." And then Grandbag decides to "make things better" by going to the Halloweens party that Emma's at and scaring the crap out of her. Crazy old coot.

Natalia and Brot never got to the country church because ended up in that sexy cabin in the woods. The one where a few months ago where Erica Kane had a bath and Laves was like half nakey and they put her Blackberry in some rice and stuff? 'Member that? Anyhow, they're there, and Police Chief is T.O.'d that Natalia won't chill the f out, so he asks Brot (via phone) to steal the spark plugs out of the car. Looks like they'll be there a while. If you guys get bored there's a bathtub.

Zach knows that Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are safe, on account of the poetry chat room, so he and Laves' and Erica Kane try to figure out some way to get Grandbag to remember what happened the night his bro was shot. They think if they somehow conjur up Stuart's image when Grandbag's around they'll jog his memory . . . I saw a movie like this once. I believe it was called . . . "Weekend At Bernies?"

And it was awesome.

Enter Sandman

"Sleep with one eye open . . . Gripping your pillow tight."

Tuesday 10/27:
Junior's at a meeting for people who have cancer, yet he and Not Babe feel the need to be all sorts of PDA-y in front of everyone. Classy. One dude talks about he got married real quick when he had cancer, then when got better he became a douche and his wife left him. That won't happen to Junior. No siree. Those Chandlers get married and stay married . . . right?

Did you know that Natalia's a mapolholic? Well she is. She loves maps. She loves maps so much she's going to use one to figure out where that silly Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are. I'm like a mapoholic too. Except for booze.

And silly Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are in that abandoned church in the country. Kendall's got her stupid computer and she's all sorts of "yadda yadda yadda oh Zach your poetry is amazing. IM me things that rhyme again. Emoticon emoticon." Aidan, take that damn thing away from her.

As Casa de Zach he's all, "yadda yadda yadda oh Kendall, I know my poetry rules." And Police Chief comes over and tells him how he pretty much figured out where Kendall was, so he made his team look for her in the completely wrong direction so no one would find 'em. Oh you just wait, you guys.

Remember how Dr. David Baby Stealer wants to have a baby with Real Preggers, instead of just stealing another one? Well, she's into it. Maybe not "into" it, but she's cool with it as long as Dr. David Baby Stealer promises not to destroy her marriage to Funny Doc. Yeah, good luck with that one, Real Preggers.

Then everyone falls asleep and we waste a good hour and half watching Kendall and Zach both imagine they're making out with each other. (Padding: it's not just for bras anymore.*) Then Secret Aidan Man gets back from the store (dude had the munchies) and ZOMG THERE'S SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE ABANDONED CHURCH!!! Then Natalia runs in and shoots Secret Aidan Man in the other arm and he's like, "GOD! Every time!! EVERY DAMN TIME!"

Okay, not really, but I am SOOOOOOO hoping that's what happens tomorrow.

*Credit: Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley

Get your rhyme on!

The ladies love the poetry.

Monday 10/26:
Kendall and Aidan are out on the run
But Aidan has found something more fun
Zach likes to rhyme
And that ain't a crime
Poetry forums will again make them one.

Emma is one real smart lady
Don't want Grandad marryin' Crazy
Scott pulls a pistol
That reminds me, where's Krystal?
And Grandude's memory is still very hazy.

Baby Stealer wants just one more kid
For babies he totes flips his lid
Will Real Preggers do the deed
For some joint custody
And do another 9 month bid?

Sweet Dreams Are Made of Cheese

Fridays are awesome, aren't they?

Friday 10/23:
Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are in that church, and he's been having bad dreams and Kendall feeds him soup (mmm noodle soup) so he's getting better but he's still been shot so that sucks. Kendall writes a letter to Zach about how's she safe and Secret Aidan Man's like, "You crazy! They'll find us if you write a letter!" He disappears and comes back with a stolen laptop that is soooo much safer than a hand written letter. Apparently, this is how Kendall can be in touch with Zach. Will there be a "Kendall on the Run" Facebook fan page? A "KendalllurvesZach4EvaAndEvaAndEva" Twitter page? You have me intrigued, Secret Aidan Man.

Zach and Laves are gonna nail Grandad hard. I mean . . . they're going to trick him into saying CrazAnnie killed Stuart (but she didn't!) so they enlist the help of the ever devious Erica Kane. She makes up some story about a fashion designer and some hungry kids to "trick" CrazAnnie into leaving Grandad alone long enough for Zach to get the "truth" (but not really) out of him. CrazAnnie and Grandad are onto them (not completely) so Craz decides to play along and says she'll see whatever fake fashion designer that is and Grandad goes to his doctor check up (which supposedly wasn't a trick but I kinda think it was.)

So Grandad's at hospital and Funny Doc checks him out but Dr. David Baby Stealer (who's been roped into this scheme too, by Zach) switches out his heart meds for some Truth Pills. That's the Dr. David Baby Stealer I like to see! Switching and drugging! Grandad gets super woozy and Zach's magically at his house (lock your doors, Grandude) and he interrogates him about how CrazAnnie killed Stuart (but she didn't!)

CrazAnnie didn't actually go to see that fake fashion designer. Instead, she broke into Emma's room (put a damn lock on that thing, Laves) and Emma was like, "Lady! Don't marry that old guy! He killed his bro! That's really uncool!" She speaks the truth, CrazAnnie.

Oh yes, Dr. David Baby Stealer has a proposal for Real Preggers. He'll give her joint custody of Barbados Baby, as long as she gives him another baby. (Whatever sound your head makes when you shake it real fast back and forth and you're confused- insert that noise here.) Real Preggers, between you and me, I think he just wants to get in your pants. You lucky, lucky lady.

Did I just say that?