No sex in the champagne room

I don't know about you, but I can't wait for the dress up party tomorrow!!

Thursday 10/29:
So Grandad's interrupting the kid's Halloween party, and he starts yappin' about how he misses his bro and junk. The old CrazAnnie/Laves/Erica Kane trifecta's there, too, and Em totes thinks that Grandad is now sorry he killed his bro (though he's still not remembering that part) so CrazAnnie takes this as a cue to get the weddin' back on.

Scott's whining.

(That's all there really is to say about that.)

Dr. David Baby Stealer meets with Real Preggers, Fake Preggers (her lawyer) and Funny Doc. Turns out the contract he drew up for the "give me a second baby" thing has a "no doin' the nasty with Funny Doc" clause, as well as a "live in my house 'till you pop that thing out" clause. First Real Pregs is like, "Nu uh" but then somehow, for some reason Funny Doc changes her mind and she's going through with it. Dr. David Baby Stealer explains to Fake Pregs that he wants a baby because he's lonely and that only 2 things matter in this world: 1. stealing babies and 2. drugs . . . I mean love and family! Love and family!!

Brot and Natalia share a sexy and special moment as she washes his back. Not sure how he got car schmutz on his back, but okay. Then Brot drops the spark plugs he stole out of the car and totally ruins the mood. Natalia gets all pissed off and makes him walk home.

Juno's watching her/Fake Preggers kid and she tells Colby how she wants to be a full time mother and then her/Fake Preggers kid cries and she's like, "I was joking. Kids are dumb." Not really, but I think she kinda doesn't want to be a full time teenage mom. Hence the reason she gave up the thing in the first place.

Zach's thiiiiiissssss close to getting Grandad confess to the murder he didn't commit, so he plans a super scary surprise for him at his chateau- a frightening painting that says, "Help me Adam" in red paint! Personally, I think digging up Stuart, putting sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt on him and carrying him around would be much more effective.

Bernie may be dead, but he's still the life of the party!

Hi, my name's Ryan Lavery. Welcome to the gun show.

Wednesday 10/28:
Natalia didn't shoot Secret Aidan Man. She and Brot weren't anywhere even NEAR that country church. It was just a bunch of punk kids doin' punk things. But Secret Aidan Man scared them away with creepy haunted noises. Oh Secret Aidan Man.

Over the past few months Junior's gone from drunk to nice guy and now he's at "whiney Mr. Meanie." He's gets all pissy with Not Babe because she brought him yogurt and he saw her crying yesterday and he might not be able to give her a baby if she ever wanted one. A: We steal babies here in Pine Valley, so don't even worry about that and B: Try not yelling at someone if you don't want them to cry. Not Babe is very nice and she loves you a lot, Junior. In the words of Police Chief, "Deal with it!"

In order to have an opportunity to fill her daughter's head with more lies, CrazAnnie shows up at Laves' crib with a lame-o Lady bug costume for Emma, but see Emma's already dressed like Princess Jasmine™ and that's her favoritest. They settle on some costume change agreement, but I think CrazAnnie might be losing her grip on little Ems.

Remember how CrazAnnie told Ems she wasn't gonna marry Grandad? Well, Erica Kane wants to go gloat and stuff, so she goes over to Grandbag's hizzy, and she's all, "Totes bummer about your wedding being cancelled, huh?" Grandbag (who's officially a crazy old coot now) is like, "Whatchutalkinbout, Erica?" And she's like, "The wedding, you're not doin' that whole thing." And he's like, "Well, nobody told me." And then Grandbag decides to "make things better" by going to the Halloweens party that Emma's at and scaring the crap out of her. Crazy old coot.

Natalia and Brot never got to the country church because ended up in that sexy cabin in the woods. The one where a few months ago where Erica Kane had a bath and Laves was like half nakey and they put her Blackberry in some rice and stuff? 'Member that? Anyhow, they're there, and Police Chief is T.O.'d that Natalia won't chill the f out, so he asks Brot (via phone) to steal the spark plugs out of the car. Looks like they'll be there a while. If you guys get bored there's a bathtub.

Zach knows that Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are safe, on account of the poetry chat room, so he and Laves' and Erica Kane try to figure out some way to get Grandbag to remember what happened the night his bro was shot. They think if they somehow conjur up Stuart's image when Grandbag's around they'll jog his memory . . . I saw a movie like this once. I believe it was called . . . "Weekend At Bernies?"

And it was awesome.

Enter Sandman

"Sleep with one eye open . . . Gripping your pillow tight."

Tuesday 10/27:
Junior's at a meeting for people who have cancer, yet he and Not Babe feel the need to be all sorts of PDA-y in front of everyone. Classy. One dude talks about he got married real quick when he had cancer, then when got better he became a douche and his wife left him. That won't happen to Junior. No siree. Those Chandlers get married and stay married . . . right?

Did you know that Natalia's a mapolholic? Well she is. She loves maps. She loves maps so much she's going to use one to figure out where that silly Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are. I'm like a mapoholic too. Except for booze.

And silly Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are in that abandoned church in the country. Kendall's got her stupid computer and she's all sorts of "yadda yadda yadda oh Zach your poetry is amazing. IM me things that rhyme again. Emoticon emoticon." Aidan, take that damn thing away from her.

As Casa de Zach he's all, "yadda yadda yadda oh Kendall, I know my poetry rules." And Police Chief comes over and tells him how he pretty much figured out where Kendall was, so he made his team look for her in the completely wrong direction so no one would find 'em. Oh you just wait, you guys.

Remember how Dr. David Baby Stealer wants to have a baby with Real Preggers, instead of just stealing another one? Well, she's into it. Maybe not "into" it, but she's cool with it as long as Dr. David Baby Stealer promises not to destroy her marriage to Funny Doc. Yeah, good luck with that one, Real Preggers.

Then everyone falls asleep and we waste a good hour and half watching Kendall and Zach both imagine they're making out with each other. (Padding: it's not just for bras anymore.*) Then Secret Aidan Man gets back from the store (dude had the munchies) and ZOMG THERE'S SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE ABANDONED CHURCH!!! Then Natalia runs in and shoots Secret Aidan Man in the other arm and he's like, "GOD! Every time!! EVERY DAMN TIME!"

Okay, not really, but I am SOOOOOOO hoping that's what happens tomorrow.

*Credit: Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley

Get your rhyme on!

The ladies love the poetry.

Monday 10/26:
Kendall and Aidan are out on the run
But Aidan has found something more fun
Zach likes to rhyme
And that ain't a crime
Poetry forums will again make them one.

Emma is one real smart lady
Don't want Grandad marryin' Crazy
Scott pulls a pistol
That reminds me, where's Krystal?
And Grandude's memory is still very hazy.

Baby Stealer wants just one more kid
For babies he totes flips his lid
Will Real Preggers do the deed
For some joint custody
And do another 9 month bid?

Sweet Dreams Are Made of Cheese

Fridays are awesome, aren't they?

Friday 10/23:
Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are in that church, and he's been having bad dreams and Kendall feeds him soup (mmm noodle soup) so he's getting better but he's still been shot so that sucks. Kendall writes a letter to Zach about how's she safe and Secret Aidan Man's like, "You crazy! They'll find us if you write a letter!" He disappears and comes back with a stolen laptop that is soooo much safer than a hand written letter. Apparently, this is how Kendall can be in touch with Zach. Will there be a "Kendall on the Run" Facebook fan page? A "KendalllurvesZach4EvaAndEvaAndEva" Twitter page? You have me intrigued, Secret Aidan Man.

Zach and Laves are gonna nail Grandad hard. I mean . . . they're going to trick him into saying CrazAnnie killed Stuart (but she didn't!) so they enlist the help of the ever devious Erica Kane. She makes up some story about a fashion designer and some hungry kids to "trick" CrazAnnie into leaving Grandad alone long enough for Zach to get the "truth" (but not really) out of him. CrazAnnie and Grandad are onto them (not completely) so Craz decides to play along and says she'll see whatever fake fashion designer that is and Grandad goes to his doctor check up (which supposedly wasn't a trick but I kinda think it was.)

So Grandad's at hospital and Funny Doc checks him out but Dr. David Baby Stealer (who's been roped into this scheme too, by Zach) switches out his heart meds for some Truth Pills. That's the Dr. David Baby Stealer I like to see! Switching and drugging! Grandad gets super woozy and Zach's magically at his house (lock your doors, Grandude) and he interrogates him about how CrazAnnie killed Stuart (but she didn't!)

CrazAnnie didn't actually go to see that fake fashion designer. Instead, she broke into Emma's room (put a damn lock on that thing, Laves) and Emma was like, "Lady! Don't marry that old guy! He killed his bro! That's really uncool!" She speaks the truth, CrazAnnie.

Oh yes, Dr. David Baby Stealer has a proposal for Real Preggers. He'll give her joint custody of Barbados Baby, as long as she gives him another baby. (Whatever sound your head makes when you shake it real fast back and forth and you're confused- insert that noise here.) Real Preggers, between you and me, I think he just wants to get in your pants. You lucky, lucky lady.

Did I just say that?

FINALLY!!!

Thursday 10/22:
Let's cut to the chase, shall we? Grandad killed Stuart, his brother, Scott's father and Junior's uncle. Grandad did it and I was right all along. Okay, well at one point I did say that Emma did it, but then I recinded that so I'm still right. It was Opposite Day . . .

In other All My Children news, Maddy's Daddy has those tapes, but Madison confessed before she kicked the bucket and now everyone can be happy. 'Cept everyone in Police Chief's family. They think it's weird she's dead even though her contract was just renewed. We'll see how this plays out.

Laves and Zach want to get to the bottom of this and it's pretty clear that Emma won't talk to 'em. Zach's like, "Maybe we should use try a different approach" and Lave's is like, "Hmmm . . . I don't know. Hey, here's an idea! Let's change our focus!" And I just shake my head. Long story short they're going to get the truth about how CrazAnnie killed Stuart from Grandad, but see Grandad killed Stuart. Good luck, you guys.

At the Yacht Club Dr. David Baby Stealer is unhappy that Junior and Marissa are married, and at hospital I'm pretty sure the chemo nurse is unhappy that they're making out in the middle of the chemo room. I don't know much about chemotherapy treatment, but that just doesn't seem safe. It also seems annoying.

Also, Fake Preggers is worried that Juno's gonna be a baby stealer (small b) and take the kid she popped out but then gave up. Look Juno, there are other ways to fill the void that modern life has created in your soul. Get a puppy instead. They're cheaper.

And then Emma flashes back and we all find out the big ol' secret that Grandad's a murderer. Grandad knows it too. Did I mention I knew it all along?

Ding Dong the B**ch is dead!?

Once, just once on AMC I want to see someone not take the blame (or feel guilty) for killing someone they didn't actually kill. This time it was Mittens. One day I just want someone be like, "Yeah, I crashed that car. 'Evs, yo. They were evil."

Wednesday 10/21:
Emma wants to go with her moms when she gets out of hospital, and Laves is SOOOOO ticked about this. He decides to fight CrazAnnie with crazy and suggests she move into the penthouse with Emma and him. (Or is it Emma and he?) CrazAnnie's like, "Um, yeah, not gonna happen," so Emma goes with Laves, and CrazAnnie goes back to Chateau de Grandad.

Randi's been havin' those Madison dreams again. Well, I think maybe Opal's contagious, cuz now Madison's dead. New York killed her. Hooray? Something's not quite right about this . . . especially since her contract was just renewed. Hmmmmm.

Not Babe and Junior really want to get married, so they go to Tad, who's one a' them Internet ministers. Krystal thinks it's a creepy that Junior wants to marry his dead wife's sister almost exactly a year after she died. Now that you mention it, it is a little weird. However, love trumps creepy and they're hitched!

At Grandad's Castle, Scott convinces CrazAnnie it's a good idea to move in with Laves. I'm not so sure anymore that Scott knows that his uncle killed his father, his uncle's brother. I kinda think Scott thinks that Emma, CrazAnnie's daughter, did it. Sucker. You'd think he'd be brighter than that what with all that heart valve invention science that guy studies. Anyhoo, CrazAnnie arrives at Laves' and lets it slip that she's marryin' Grandad. Emma's all (and I quote), "I hate you!" and runs away. Charming child.

Police Chief et al have finally gotten over the fact that they didn't kill Madison, when whatdoyouknow, Maddy's Daddy shows up with some DVDs. I'm no Police Chief, but I'm guessing they're the ol' "Dead D.A. cover up" DVDs.

What's that expression? Let a dead D.A. lie? Let a sleeping D.A. die? Yeah, you should do that, old guy. You don't mess with Mr. and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief.

Mmmm noodle soup!

Now I know that episode recaps are uber-importante. You know what else is important? The fact that in a month and a day I will be attending, nay, I will be VIP attending the AMC farewell to NYC extravaganza in sunny Staten Island! Oh be still my heart. I hope I don't get arrested for inappropriately touching Ricky Paull Goldin.

Tuesday 10/20:
Kendall and Secret Aidan Man have escaped to an abandoned church. Wait a minute . . . Secret Aidan Man's not feeling so well. And he's got a super sexy rash! Oh no, he's allergic to those antibiotics they stole from Dr. David Baby Stealer! But then Kendall gets soup (noodle soup!) and he's better.

Emma's awake and gonna go home with Laves. But CrazAnnie would prefer she didn't. CrazAnnie tries to enlist the help of Dr. David Baby Stealer to keep her in hospital, but see Dr. David Baby Stealer doesn't play other people's games, he plays his OWN games, and says she can go home with Laves. Hooray, right? Not so much, since CrazAnnie feeds Emma lies and now Emma wants to go home with her "to the big house." Big house . . . heh.

At the Big House, Zach and Erica Kane are lecturing Grandad (who I almost got confused with Stuart because he was wearing a sweater and I almost shot him!) and it goes something like, "Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets can hurt someone." And Scott (who's finally sobered up, the lush) totes agrees with this statement and he's like, "Yeah, that's true. LOL."

Junior goes to chemo, and he's super bummed he still has the cancer, and he starts to think about how much he loves Not Babe and they do it and then he asks her to marry him. So romantical!!

Not be outdone, Kendall and Zach force us to remember that they, too, lurve each other and they revowed their revowels for the umpteenth time a few weeks ago. No offence, Kendach, I kinda like Junior's thing better.

Have a drink on me

Who's got a snappy sweater and likes to drown his sorrows and secrets in booze? This guy!

Monday 10/19:
Emma was totes faking the coma this whole time, so CrazAnnie tells her she can now fake wake up. With her fake woken up, Zach and Lavery want CrazAnnie to be all "I killed Stuart" and Laves thinks he can get this info outta Em. Yeah, not so much. She still won't tell us who flipping killed Stu. Supposedly we'll find out this week . . . we'll see.

Dr. David Baby Stealer also wakes up, but his is for reals since he was bonked on the head by Real Preggers. So Funny Doc comes and looks at him, but Dr. David Baby Stealer is proud proud man, and doesn't want any of Funny Doc's Funny Medicine. Baby Stealer knows he saw Kendall and Secret Aidan Man in the stable, and he tells Police Chief this on the phone. Then Real Preggers tells him how she was being an accessory to a crime by helping them just because she wanted to be nice. So Police Chief comes over and Dr. David Baby Stealer's like, "Psyche. Didn't see them. Sorry 'bout that," which is fine. Police Chief isn't really looking for the two of 'em too hard since Zach wants them to get away because Kendall asked for it in her romantic letter.

Scott is like, waaaaasted at ConFusion (The Chandler way! Get drunk!) and he's all laying his head down on the bar and stuff- which makes bar tenders really angry, but I guess the guys at ConFusion are a little more lenient than the bars I frequent. I mean, wait, what? I've never done that . . . I . . . what? Anyway- SCOTT is wasted. And Junior figures out that he's figured out who shot his dad, Grandad's brother, Junior's Uncle.

Natalia is not quite as wasted at ConFusion, but she's knockin' 'em back and talks to Brot about how she's bummed she shot someone, but she wants to "get back out there." Me, I think she needs to simmer down. Brot thinks she needs to simmer down too. Or at least come to terms with the fact that she, like, shot someone. A good lesson to learn.

Shovellin' off to Pine Valley

*Photos down! Otherwise there would be an awesome photo of Aidan in a sling here. So just imagine it.*

Friday 10/18:
Secret Aidan Man's was shot, but he and Kendall totes got away and are now hiding in Dr. David Baby Stealer's stable. That guy is such a Renaissance man with the piano and the horses and the drugs and the stuff. Guess who else wants to hide out in Dr. David Baby Stealer's stable- Funny Doc and Real Preggers . . . but for very different reasons. Kendall and her stupid gun and Secret Aidan Man and his stupid wound totally interrupt Funny Doc and Real Pregger's (literal) roll in the hay. Funny Doc patches Secret Aidan Man up, and Kendall gives him a letter to take to the Zach.

Zach's being, like, interrogated or questioned or something at the police station, but he's a super Negative Nelly and he fires Fake Preggers, completely forgetting that she's watching one o' those kids o' his. She's totes cool with still watching him, though, because that's how much of a giver she is. So she goes home, where Juno can't get Baby Stu to shut the flip up with that cryin'. Oh, there's one of those scary Monkey Shines toys on the coffee table just clank clank clanking away and that would absolutely make me cry uncontrollably too. Anyhow, Juno sucks as a parent (probably because she's like 15) and that makes her sad.

Secret Aidan Man has regained his strength by eating some horse treats, and just as he and Kendall are about to split, Dr. David Baby Stealer walks in and he's like, "Dude! What are you guys doing?" And just then Real Preggers bonks him on the head with a shovel. That's gonna hurt tomorrow.

At hospital Erica and CrazAnnie get all up in each other's faces with coffee cups, and Zach and Lavery kinda get in each other's faces and Funny Doc gives Zach Kendall's letter and it's all about how she loves him and junk. Yes, we get it. You guys love each other again. In Emma's hospital room, CrazAnnie's like, "It's just you and me, Emma" and Emma's all, "Can I open my eyes now?" WHAT?! She's been FAKING? And you made be a big coma faker? A big fake coma faker. And I was just starting to root for you CrazAnnie.

I know that guy!

Thursday 10/15:
Very important happenings! Natalia got shielded and is a for reals officer now! And she got a gun! And you know what- I KNOW the guy who gave her her gun! (Well, the actor who gave her the pretend gun.) That guy who was like, "Hey, here's your gun," I KNOW him! I did theatre with him! Back in Baltimore, we were in "Gigi" together. He was Gaston and I was Gigi. Imagine my excitement when I saw him give Natalia her gun. You may recognize him from other episodes of AMC. In fact, he totes married Kendall and Zach on the boat! And there he was, today, giving Natalia her gun. And I know that guy! He's a really nice guy and a great actor and totally deserves a lot more material on AMC. Granted, marryin' people and givin' out guns is definitely important, but he could get much meatier stuff. Maybe he could be a doctor and give Emma an IV and then she could like, die and he could feel super bad about it. Maybe he could be a priest and marry Grandad and CrazAnnie and then Scott tries to stop the wedding, but the priest is actually a ninja and breaks Scott's arm in half with his superhuman strength. The possibilities are endless. And I KNOW THAT GUY!

Some other stuff happened too. Zach's got a plan, Scott's a wimp, Secret Aidan Man tries to break Kendall outta hospital and Natalia shoots one o' them . . . with a gun . . . and I know the guy who gave it to her!

The Trouble with Doubles

Dr. David Baby Stealer is smarter than everyone in Pine Valley put together.

Wednesday 10/14:
Scott's all sorts of broken up over whatever CrazAnnie told him, which I'm pretty sure was something like, "Your father's brother shot his brother, your father. But let's make it look like my daughter did it, 'kay?" And see, Grandad thinks that Emma really is the killer, because he's a kooky old man, but he for reals killed him (this is my own hypothesis and has yet to be proven- but I'm totally right). And Lavery thinks that CrazAnnie did it, but some people think Kendall did it and they all cancel each other out so no one killed Stuart, right?

Shankdall's over this whole being in prison, and she wants out, so Zach orders her locked in the secret room . . . wait, what? How many people are ya'lls gonna kidnap for Kendall? What's so great about Kendall? She's not that nice!

Dr. David Baby Stealer is the smartest person in Pine Valley, and he's SOOOO onto this whole charade. And with Shankdall actin' all difficult, Zach's calling the switcheroo off. Not sure how this is gonna happen, or what he's gonna do, but when Zach calls off the switcheroo, it's off!

Kendall kinda likes not being in jail, so she's got her own plan and asks Erica to bail out Secret Aidan Man. Pine Valley has the most inept police ever, and Erica tells the guard at Kendall's hospital room door that Secret Aidan Man's "her lawyer." (Yeah, police guy? Lawyers don't typically wear super tight hoodies when they're out and about. Just a tip.) Kendall wants Secret Aidan Man to "help" her . . . yeah . . . um, Aidan? Feel free to "help" me too. You and that super tight hoodie. Meow.

Oh oh oh, and I almost forgot. Shankdall totally tricks Fake Preggers into coming into the secret room, then smacks her over the head with a glass! YES!

Fake Kendall is a bigger beyotch than Real Kendall, huh?

Everyone deserves their own wind machine. But especially Kendall.

Tuesday 10/13:
Emma's in hospital, hole in her head and stuff. Lavery accuses CrazAnnie of wanting Emma to stay in that coma. Well, in his defense, she did kinda say, "Go ahead and stay in that coma if you feel like it." But I kinda think she was being poetic and junk and not super literal. I can see how Lavery wouldn't understand such deep stuff.

Great Stuart's Ghost visits Grandad. Oh Stuart, fix your flingin' flangin' collar. They don't have mirrors in Heaven? Anyhoo, he talks to Grandad, and earlier Scott talked to Grandad, so you think that Grandad would realize that was the one who shot his bro, but nope nope, he thinks Emma did it. (They had me too, Grandad. It's okay.)

So Fake Kendall got herself shanked (Shankedall!) so she's en route to hospital. This means For Reals Kendall also has to be en route to hospital so they can pull the old stitch the hurt one, but put the fine one in the hospital bed switcheroo. Well, they do and it's fine . . . sorta. Erica Kane's brought Heart Valve with her to see Kendall, but it's weird how Kendall isn't, like, beyond stoked to see him. It's kinda like she's seen Heart Valve once or twice (or everyday) since she's been in-the-carcerated. Odd. Also, Dr. David Baby Stealer thinks it's weird how Kendall, is a-okay, given the fact that she lost tons of blood and has a bum heart . . . hmmm. Oh and Police Chief made Dr. Mrs. Police Chief do all of the stitching and the cutting which now makes her an accessory to this f-ed Real/Fake Kendall plan. Nice police work.

Fake Preggers takes Shankedall to Real Kendall's Fake Secret Prison, and she's like, "Awesome! Thanks for your help! Bu bye!" and Shankedall's like, "Whoa whoa whoa wait. I just got stabbed. I didn't get paid to get stabbed. I would very much prefer to not be incarcerated anymore. Thank you." Uh-oh!!!

Like a hole in the head . . .

Lavery wishes you a sexy Columbus Day!

Monday 10/12:
Zach and Kendall . . . Zandall . . . Kach . . .Zechdall . . . whatever, Zach and Kendall, lurve each other bunches, so they renew and repromise their marriage vows in their living room for the 47th time. By far the most romantic of their vow renewal renewal. Well, a little less romantic than a boat, but much more romantic than a hospital, so I guess it's the most medium romantic vow renewal they've had.

Meanwhile, Emma was busy fallin' down a bunch of stairs and bustin' her head. Totally not how Lavery's big "Let's Get Annie to Confess" party was supposed to end. They cart Emma off to Pine Valley hospital so Funny Doc can drill holes in her skull and make her better. Lavery blames everyone and everything . . . actually, mostly just Zach, for his kid bein' in the hospital. Naturally.

Police Chief arrests Secret Aidan Man, because . . . um . . . I'm not sure. I think it's to cover something up or something? To confuse Grandad? I can't follow all of the "Arrest this person" "Arrest that person but not for real" stuff in Pine Valley these days. Anyhow, Secret Aidan Man is arrested and his contract is up so you know what that means- electric chair.

Okay, down at hospital they drilled into Emma's head and she's okay but not awake and that's a bummer. (Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley thinks they need to try a heart transplant- that works for everybody else.) CrazAnnie decided to spill the beans about Stuart's murderer to Scott, but All My Children decided to NOT TELL US WHAT SHE SAID! COME ON!! Totes not fair. I'll bet you all a zillion dollars that she told him that Grandad is the killer, which is what I've been saying all along. (By saying "Emma's the killer" all those times I meant, "Grandad's the killer." It was opposite day whenever I said that . . . )

Kendsansch ("Kendall sans Zach") is chillaxin' at the house when the phone rings and Lady Prion Officer leaves a message saying that "Zach's wife" has been "stabbed" and because of "her heart condition" she's "being taken to Pine Valley hospital." Zoinks. This might throw a wrench in the Fake Kendall in Prison/Real Kendall in Fake Prison sitchamication.

We've got a barn, let's put on a christening!

Friday 10/9:
Police Chief agrees with me, and thinks that kidnapping CrazAnnie was, like, the worst idear ever. Secret Aidan Man uses his sexy accent to get a "I killed Stuart" out of her, but we're all pretty sure she's just saying that.

The Ghost of Stuart, collar askew, won't leave poor Grandad alone. Not only is Grandad's fiance missing (he's lost his fiance, the poor baby!) but Stuart's all, "Come on Grandad, you totes know stuff about my murder!!" Over at Lavery's, Emma's all, "I'll tell my secret if I can see that whackjob of my mother." And Lavery's all, "I'm all angry and junk!" And Erica's all, "But how does my hair look?!" It's basically just a whole mess of chaos and we're not getting anywhere with this.

Dr. David Baby Stealer wants to throw a late night shot gun christening for Barbados Baby! This guy is full of surprises. Real Preggers thinks Funny Doc should be the godfather, and Dr. Baby Stealer thinks Marissa should be the godmother. This kinda works out, but kinda doesn't because Funny Doc feels left out of the mix. So the priest splashes water on Barbados Baby's giant head, and Dr. Baby Stealer gets super creepy and thinks now he and Real Preggers have some sort of magical union and Funny Doc just wants his wife back.

Secret Aidan Man drugs CrazAnnie and takes her to Lavery's so she can talk to Emma and maybe, just maybe that kid will finally spill the beans. Well, Erica's there and being a total beyotch, and then Grandad shows up and he's all angry because a buncha idiots abducted his fiance and everyone starts yelling and gosh it's annoying and ZOMG Emma falls down the stairs running away from this room of lunatics!! Falling down the stairs is a popular pastime in Pine Valley, huh? I mean, besides all of the drugging and baby stealing.

Recap of Recap

Gosh I love this photo!!

Hey ya'll! Didn't get a chance to peep yesterday's AMC. But since I have a day off from the day job, this means I'll get to recap today's All My Children in for reals time!

I read one of those other recaps of Thursday's episode and this is what I gathered:

Kidnapping
Great Stuart's Ghost
Juno to move in with Fake Preggers?

See you at 2pm ET!!

Love,
Melody

R U Been Served?

So this "DVR" thing might actually be working out. Did you know that with the "DVR" you don't have to rewind anything? Also, the picture isn't all fuzzy and grainy and distorted. Yesterday I thought everyone got plastic surgery last week, now I'm thinking the technology might be making everyone look better. Man, what will they think of next?

Wednesday 10/7:
Colby's so angry about her mom lying that she's going to go move to Grandad's place in France. That's everyone's angry place in Pine Valley- France. Me, I go to CVS and buy a Snickers. Junior (who's freshly shorn!) thinks that maybe Colby should grow a pair of Chandlers and suck it up. Well, what he said was a lot nicer than that, but that's what he was getting at.

CrazAnnie's supposed to be helping Grandad plan their wedding at the casino (classy!) but she's no where's to be found so for sure she musta skipped town. Actually, girlfriend (who's ankle monitor free these days) is visiting her daughter at Lavery's and Lavery thinks that CrazAnnie's using their daughter to keep herself from going to prison, and yadda yadda yadda same tune different day.

At Casa de Slater, Secret Aiden Man swoops in with that DVD of CrazAnnie kissing Scott and Junior in the same day (that guy's a regular David Copperfield) and that's totally going to prove she killed Stewart. I think it just proves that she's a slut whore, but I'm sure Secret Aiden man has something up his sleeve . . . that sleeve that covers his glistening ripped bulging bicep. Two tickets to the gun show, please!

CrazAnnie finally arrives at the casino and then Secret Aiden Man shows up (how does he do it!) and he's all European and smug to her, then CrazAnnie goes to the bathroom and ZOMG she wakes up in a scary room with a bag on her head!! The Mystery Gang Inc., LLC (Kendall, Zach and Aiden) have kidnapped her! Committing a crime to prove you didn't commit a crime is the way they do it in Pine Valley.

Also at the casino (casino is to this week, as roof was to Dance A Thon 2009) Fake Preggers is chillin' and Colby's all grows up now and is going to forgive her mother and- hold the phone- a lawyer walks in and he's all, "YOU BEEN SERVED!" to Fake Preggers!!

Served, indeed!!

I'm baaacccck. And still technologically stupid.

Hey there! So I'm back, but I'm still brain dead kinda. Please bear with me.

We finally joined the year 2000 and hooked up this thing called a "DVR." It's like a videotape machine and it records the All My Children, but there's no video cassette tapes. I think it runs on magical unicorn tears or something, I dunno. Turns out, I can't work this "DVR" thing any better than the VCR. Turns out the "DVR" cut off the ends of both episodes I watched. Maybe it ran out of unicorn tears . . .

Double recap, ya'll! But with missing endings. So I guess it adds up to like 1.5 recaps? Sorry you guys, Mercury in retrograde.

Monday 10/5:
I'm gone for a week and everyone's got highlights!!

Ol' Madison's in the hospital. She tried to off herself with some pills. Randi totes just thinks Madison needs love. (Randi's a sucker.) Madison's daddy thinks she needs a swift kick in the pants. Mr. and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief think Madison needs to go Oak Haven. I'm not sure who wins this argument because well, "DVR" cut off.

Apparently Fake Pregger's baby's for reals Baby Momma's been lookin' for him (Gosh that's a lot of apostrophes) and she shows up while Fake Pregger's is with Funny Doc at the Boat Club. D'oh! Funny Doc takes Baby Stewart and Fake Preggers feeds Juno some line about how that baby she gave away is totally loved and Fake Preggers knows the family totes well and he'll be fine. This appeases Juno a bit, but she still kinda wants to meet that baby. She's just so confused. It's like, she gave birth to him and she, like, feels like she wants to meet him but, like, people keep telling her that's a bad idea. Fake Preggers says she'll see what she can do. Pssst, Juno- that red headed lady is your kid's adoptive mom. She's right there.

Krystal's got a bright idea to seduce Dr. David Baby Stealer to save Amanda, but Dr. David Baby Stealer's busy seducing Amanda. Circle of Life, ya'll. Tad thinks this is a really stupid idea. Also, we're supposed to believe that out of the 300 kids Dr. David Baby Stealer has fathered/stolen, he just changed his first diaper.

Then "DVR" cut off. Sigh. Moving on . . .

Tuesday 10/6:
Guess Mr. and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief won the "what the heck to do with Madison" battle, and they're sending her to Oak Haven. Taking an ambulance would be way too slow, so Mittens drives her. And then Mittens wrecks the car right as Madison's gonna give him the key to her safe deposit box of secrets. Mittens has the worst timing!

Fake Preggers figures she kinda should tell Colby about how her other kid really isn't her "kid" but instead an "adopted kid", but when she does Colby freaks out like people have been lying to her her whole life. Wait, wait, um, yeah, they have. Commence freaking out, Colby.

Funny Doc comes over to Dr. David Baby Stealer's crib (nudge nudge) and does it with Amanda. Which makes that whole them not talking to each other thing okay because he's Ricky Paull Goldin. Woulda worked for me, knowwhatImean?

Madison's back in the hospital and this time it's Mittens' fault and he kinda feels bad about how he almost killed her and he thinks she's turned a new leaf and might be nice now. I think Madison's smarter than all of you. Randi needs a Jump to Conclusions Mat, because she gets mad that Mittens' defending her and stuff (I thought you thought she just needed love, Randi!), but then later Madison confesses and everything's okay and hey, wait a minute, where's that safe deposit box key?

Then the "DVR" cuts off.

Mercury, you guys. Mercury.

On an up note, I just got my first issue of Soap Opera Digest in the mail today! This means I'm a real deal card carrying member of the soap opera lovers club!! It feels good to be official.