Snow my goodness where is Grandad's secret love child?!

It snowed like 72 feet here in NYC, so I got a snow day!! Thanks, snow! And sorry in advance for trash talking you tomorrow when you ruin my weekend and get all dirty and icky.

Friday 2/26:
Looks like Miguel the Grandad Secret Love Child is a bone marrow match for Junior. Hooray! Miguel is also a big freaking jerk and didn't get on the plane and now Junior slipped into a coma and I'm getting seriously distraught about his cancer. This storyline is killing me, you guys! Luckily, CrazAnnie went rogue . . .rouge? . . . rogue and is totes getting tested without Junior's knowledge and I'm sure she'll be a match and Junior's gonna wake up in a few months with some crazy beyotch marrow in his bones. At least that's what I'm hoping.

Dr. David Baby Stealer and Greensleeves got married! Greensleeves totally wants to "consummate the marrige" (wink wink) with him, but he resists, because he doesn't want mess up the fact that they're friends and he can tell her anything and he really likes her and they have a special connection. Um, that kinda sounds like love to me, Hayward, but whatevs. Thank you for saving yourself for me. Greensleeves is totally onto the whole Erica/Hayward thingy thingy about Erica wanting Fusion and making Hayward help her make that happen and junk. So Hayward tells Greensleeves that it's all gonna be okay and that he's the one doing the the manipulating (which Erica totally overhears) but it kinda sorta seems like he's not being truthful. I swear to goodness, Hayward, if you burn Greensleeves I'm going to be so t.o.'d. Oh, I'll still be in love with you, but that will make me sad for a second.

Drunky 1 and Drunky 2 (Laves and Funny Doc) have the BRILLIANT plan to get Nurse Gayle's help to take Hayward down. They drank a bottle of brown liquor between the two of 'em yesterday, and now they're freaking genius private eyes? Gayle's kinda down but not super down, because she saw Greensleeves and Hayward making out and this hurt her feelings. But also the Drunkies are drunk, and I think she's a little leery of helping out a buncha lushes. And then there's the thing about how she's got the hots for Hayward, and she's got confused feelings of jealous and lust. I feel you, girlfriend. I feel you.

There's no time!

There's no time! There's never any time!! There's no time to recap!!

Maniac Monday

It's Monday! And I'm not really sure who's the biggest Maniac in Pine Valley today . . . NeoColby for toying with a crazy lady or CrazAnnie for being a crazy lady. Nah, the answer is definitely Laves. It's always Laves.

Monday 2/22:
Laves totes overheard Greensleeves (who's got a birthday today!) talkin' to Funny Doc and he decides that maybe he shouldn't be so pushy with this whole making her love him thing. Sting was right, kid. Somehow though, I feel like you haven't yet learned this lesson. You don't have a great track record with the "not being pushy" deal. But we'll see.

Dr. Mrs. Police Chief is sad about how much her job kinda sucks. With the blackmailing/not blackmailing and junk, she's been super testy recently, so Police Chief stops by hospital so he can whisk her away and they can "reconnect," if you know what I mean. This leaves Mittens in charge, and man, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief has a really tough job. There was this other doc who had this one emergency (which he kinda didn't really make seem like an emergency) and the guy's patient totally died because Dr. Mrs. Police Chief wasn't there to approve the surgery and Mittens didn't call her in time to have her approve the surgery! That sucks.

Juno's not comin' back to PV. I think we all kinda knew that, but today Juno's Baby Daddy confirmed it. Also confirmed Juno's Baby Daddy's DNA totes matched the DNA from all those break ins. DNA don't mean squat in this town, though.

Grandad finds out it was NuevoColby who planted the tire iron that made CrazAnnie go a little bit loco, and he also kinda finds out that Scott won't just stop lustin' after his darn wife. He's really t.o.'d and he reads 'em all the riot act. Grandad's all, "Keep it in your pants Scott! And stop being a brat Colby!" Then he gives Tad a big briefcase o' cash to go "find" "a person" who might be a "match" for "JR" and his "bone marrow." Secret love child, anyone? No . . . seriously. I'm pretty sure it's his secret love child.

T.G.I. Tire Iron!

In the past two days, everyone's been kidnapped!

Updated: A super keen observer (thanks, Kari!!) pointed out that Erica Kane did not, in fact, kidnap Dr. David Baby Stealer. Instead that was Tad and Police Chief and she was just standing guard over the guy or something. I blame the weird one sentence ABC recaps these days for my misinformation. Their "David Hayward does something evil" and "Colby complains about something" episode recaps aren't keeping me in the loop. Guess I should just watch 'em online, huh?

Updated Update: The ABC recaps are back!

Friday 2/19:
Poor Dr. David Baby Stealer. That guy can't catch a break. Erica Kane has totally kidnapped him and tied him up. Albeit, he's loosely tied up but tied up just the same. I'm assuming this Erica/Hayward kidnapping was is directly related to the the Laves/Greensleeves kidnapping that happened in the past two days. Dr. Dave is sad and just wants to break away from those slack ropes and marry Greensleeves because she understands him and it's the closest thing he'll ever have to love. Except me.

Laves has got Greensleeves on lock down too, and he gets her all worked up and she faints and Funny Doc comes over to check on her and she's like, "Funny Doc, Laves has seriously got to chill. I mean, whatever, yeah, I'm still in love with him, but it's not happenin'." Yes, Greensleeves! Go to Hayward! It's what you (I) want!

Junior's got the cancer and needs some bone marrow and everyone is getting a swab to see if they can donate theirs to him. Except CrazAnnie. Junior's like, "Bish, please. I don't want none of your skank-a$$ bone marrow." So Grandad sends her home and she breaks a glass and Scott (for the zillionth time!) tells her it's over and then she finds a tire iron that NeoColby planted outside and she's totallllllllllly going loco this time! We've seen with CrazAnn can do with a tire iron and it ain't pretty. Get that room ready, Oak Haven. It's only a matter of time.

Next week: Brooke's back! (I'm convinced this is the lady that Grandad asked Tad to go find, just fyi). Thank goodness. Erica needs to get a little payback for the torture's she's putting my baby stealing, drugging, vengeful boyfriend through!

Preempted due to fabulousness

fabulous

Today's AMC recap is preempted due to the fabulousness of Johnny Weir. And yesterday's AMC recap was preempted to my own fabulousness and not technically being home to watch the show at any point.

See ya'lls tomorrow!

David Hayward would like his job back, thankyouverymuch!

Tuesday 2/16:
The hospital is a super bummer place to be today. Junior finds out that his chemo's not really working, so he needs a bone marrow transplant. For once Grandad's being a nosy, bossy guy is actually kinda helpful, because he's all about getting Junior that transplant. Go Grandad. Oh and PS we see a picture of the new "Lil' A" (who I'm heard will now be called AJ) and well, that kid is gonna be a handful. Ed Hardy t-shirts and everything.

Laves and Greensleeves talk and talk and talk some more. And Laves is smug. And Greensleeves is stubborn. And Laves is all, "You'd prefer to marry me instead of David Hayward." And Greensleeves is all, "Oh yeah? Just watch me not marry you and instead marry David!" So there, Lavery.

Turns out there was a janitor strike goin' on at hospital, and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff had to use the bag o' blackmail that Hayward had left behind for her to make the head of the union back off and thereby end the strike. A little good news, bad news, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff. Good news: strike is over. Bad news: Hayward TOTALLY saw you do that blackmailin' and now he's gonna flip it and blackmail you about it unless you give him his job back. Cold blooded, Dave. I'm normally a Hayward supporter no matter what, but I get a little upset when he messes with the Hubbards. Can't you go back to harassing Lavery? That's much more entertaining.

Most Awesome (Non) Wedding Ever (Part Two)

Monday 2/15:
Hayward's gettin' married to Greensleeves and everyone's there, and Greensleeves lifts up her bee keeper style veil and everybody's like, "ZOMG! You were supposed be dead! And you're marrying David Hayward! Weird!" Then Jackson runs in and he's like, "I'm so angry about this, don't marry David!" and then Laves runs in and he's like, "I'M so angry about this, don't marry David!" Police Chief hauls Hayward into the house for questioning or whatevs (which is totally unnecessary, cuz dude ain't done nothin' wrong except for be awesome) and then Laves kinda manhandles Greensleeves and generally acts a little self centered and stuff.

CrazAnnie, Grandad and Scott were apparently not invited to the wedding, which totally T.O.'s CrazAnnie, and naturally she crashes the wedding that didn't really happen because Lavery spoiled it. Lavery was still there spoiling everything and when CrazAnnie showed up and she saw Greenlee (her arch nemesis, remember?) and she kinda shruged it off but I'm pretty sure it's for certain- Annie is officially bringing Crazy back.

Greensleeves is all, "Why didn't you warn me everyone would hate me for trying to marry you, David Hayward?" and I'm all, "HE DID!!" and Hayward is super nice to her (because he's awesome) and Laves comes in and talks about how he owns Valentine's Day AND the full moon and that Greensleeves should marry him right then and there. Greensleeves, you've already crushed my spirit by not marrying David in the first place. Please don't go and marry that bossy Ryan Lavery . . . you . . . you're gonna do it, aren't you? Sigh, I figured.

Most Awesome Wedding Ever (Part One)

Gosh, you guys, I just . . . GOSH! I can't even recap I'm just so . . . GOSH! Hayward! Greenlee! Lavery!! It's just too much!!

When I get married, I'm totally going to dress like a bee keeper too.

Snow my gosh CrazAnnie and Scott made out!

Dude, you guys. Snow. Snow of epic proportions. Therefore much of today's episode was interrupted by a bunch people going "HOLY CRAP SNOWWWWWW" on the tv, but I definitely saw enough to get the gist of what's happenin' in the Pine Valley.

Wednesday 2/9:
We all knew Scott and CrazAnnie were a bunch of slut whores, didn't we? Well, today they proved it once again with some heavy making out. NeoColby totally saw the whole thing through the window and videotaped it with her phone (Phones can do that?) Blackmail's a beyotch, kids.

Grandad finally figures out that Junior's not a drunk and instead has the cancer again, and then Junior falls and bonks his head on the dresser and has to go to hospital. The whole fam gets there, and NuevoColby springs the old blackmail video on CrazAnnie and Scott and CrazAnnie breaks her phone. Dude, why would you show that to CrazAnnie? She's crazy enough to break your phone! Junior is okay, but not really, and he asks Scott to take care of Not Babe and Lil' A if anything bad happens. Scott's like, "By 'take care' do you mean 'make out with them'? Because if that's the case I can do that really well."

Jackson sees Greensleeves (HIS DAUGHTER who was presumed DEAD!) and he's like, "Greens, I'm so stoked you're alive. Let's call Lavery and tell him!" and she's like, "Naw, let's chill on that for a sec." She explains that Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer was the one who like, healed her, and he gets all grumpy and angry about that (something about Dr. Dave "playing God" or somethin') but then he chills out and Erica calls him and I'm pretty sure she's going to profess her undying love for him because they are the most awesome couple ever.

Laves finds out about Dr. Dave gettin' married on V-day, and he's SUPER pissed because he thinks he owns Valentime's Day on account of the fact that he one time was gonna get married on Valentime's Day but then Kendall ran his fiancee off the road on her motorcycle and everyone thought she died. So he goes over to WildWoodWind and is all, "You can't get married on V-day, Hayward!" and Hayward's all, "You're not the boss of me!" and then Laves socks him in the kisser. You think you're gonna ruin a wedding by punching Dave in the face, Laves? Jokes on you, guy, because the only thing sexier than a David Hayward is a David Hayward with a black eye.

OH MY GOSH SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Snow my goodness why is AMC always interrupted?

Take a good look. Because it's the last time you're ever going to see this.

It seems that the 1:15-1:45pm time slot is optimum for politicians to hold press conferences here in NYC. Yeah, I get it. Snow snow snow, but you couldn't wait until Oprah for that?!

Tuesday 2/9:
Dr. Dave is plannin' the wedding, Erica's pretty sure she should break up with Laves (yes, please, holy cow, please!), Colby's complaining about something or other, and Grandad thinks Junior's faking a cold, when, in fact dude, has the cancer again.

Then, Mayor Giuliani . . . er, Bloomberg, whatever, comes on the screen and it's all, "OH MY GOSH SNOW!!" and, bam, Colby's still complaining, Erica is for real breaking up with Laves, Grandad realizes Junior's not just a hypo and I'm pretty sure Scott and CrazAnnie are gonna go all the way . . . if you know what I mean. Oh and Greensleeves totally visits Jackson (HER FATHER!) in the WildWindWood Chapel. Dave, you should be careful about setting up those types of encounters with people who were presumed dead and their parents. You could give someone a heart attack that way.

Most importantly, you guys, EricAvery is no more. Oh sure, they talk about how "great they were as a couple" (Lies, all lies.) and at first the break up doesn't take, but finally they realize how wrong this has been for the past few months and call it quit. I once had a break up not take and I had to break up with the guy 3 times. I'm not even joking. Luckily, this only took one shot, and man, we've been waiting for it.

Jackson's Backson

Welcome back to The Valley, Jack! I've missed you so!

Monday 2/8:
Jackson shows up at Erica's crib and basically tells her everything all of us have been thinking for the past few months. Namely that Laves is lame and that it's icky that she's bangin' her grandson's father. He also tells her that the two of them should totes be together because their love burned bright with firey hot passion and they're a super duper couple. This makes Erica feel funny. Erica, drop the zero and get with the hero, like now.

Funny Doc has the worst plans ever. His name should be Captain Bad Plans. This week's Bad Plan includes lying about seeing Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer go to Fusion and destroy their computers. I mean, he DID do that, but Captain didn't see him, so he would be lying to the police and that's not a cool thing to do. The Gang talks him out of this and he gives a statement but the day's wrong and stuff, and then later he decides he's just going to make up a whole bunch of evidence against David to put him in jail. Creating evidence. Awesome. Way better than just lying to your friend, Police Chief Jesse Hubbard. Again, this is why you're Captain Bad Plans, Captain Bad Plans.

Police Chief uses Captain Bad Plans' mostly inaccurate statement to try to fool Dr. David into confessin to the Fusion thing, but you can't fake a faker and Dr. David's "Pfft, you're lying. Jake didn't see me there." and walks outta the police station. That guy rules.

Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer also rules because he's sensitive and romantic and bought Greensleeves some wedding dresses and they're totally falling in love, I can just tell. He invites The Gang to his wedding later this week and they're all completely befuddled because they didn't even know he had a gf, nonetheless a fiancee! Just wait until he marries a dead lady, you guys!

Chemistry Ain't Just a Class in High School

I'm a little late to the party on Friday's episode, but for reals ya'll, are we finally, FINALLY gettin' back to some awesomeness? It' all about chemistry, you guys. Some freaking chemistry. And I'm not talking about the horror show that is Ericavery. Ya dig?

Where there's smoke, there's Lavery.

Today may have been the first episode in a long while where actual "things" have happened. Rockin'.

Thursday 2/4:
Sooooo, Greensleeves got mad at the tv, threw the remote and it totes accidentally shut the flue on the fireplace. Fireplace gets smokey, Laves is at WildWindWood because he's planning on harassing Dr. Dave some more and (zoinks!) he hears the fire alarm. Firemen come, break down door (Laves was too wimpy to kick it in himself this time) but Greensleeves hides before anybody sees her.

Natalia is an awful, awful police person and questions Juno's Baby Daddy 'bout all the break ins even though she really shouldn't be doing that. Brot, who's acutally a good police person, gets Juno to call in Liza, but Baby Daddy still admits that he was hanging out in NeoColby's room while the last couple a' break ins were goin' down. Juno's really not stoked on this, and she leaves. It was nice knowin' ye, Juno. (I'm pretty sure today was her last day in the fair town of Pine Valley. i.e. Girlfriend's contract wasn't renewed.)

JR still has the Cancer, and NuevoColby comes over to bitch and somehow stops thinking about her self just long enough to finally figure out he's not just a drunk.

Randi's a total Debbie Downer about the whole Fusion being destroyed thing, but Madison rallies the troops to save the children! The company, I mean. Erica's likes Madison's spunk, and Randi needs stop being a huge beyotch.

Everyone is kinda sorta onto Dr. David Hayward Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer, but also kinda not (Because he is awesome and no one will ever get anything over on him. Ever.) Greensleeves wanted to leave PV yesterday, but today's she's all, "Psyche! Instead we're gonna piss people off and I'mma get my company back!" How's that gonna happen? Well, I'll tell you. Greensleeves and Dr. David Hayward are going to get . . . wait for it . . . married. They are getting married, my friends. The only thing more awesome than a Greenlee/Hayward marriage, would be a Melody/Hayward marriage and I'm told this is impossible because he's a fictional character and I am a for real person. It's the year 2010, though, so we'll see. We'll just see.

Backs and Hackers

Gosh, everyone is so mean to David Hayward these days! He's just trying to heal somebody who's been presumed dead for a year and now has a bad spine! Get off his back! (Back . . . get it? Greenlee? Back? Ehhhh?)

Tuesday 2/2:
Greensleeves sees Ericavery doing it and she instantly goes blind. Or not. Basically she's super grossed out like the rest of us, and tells Dr. David Baby Stealer she wants to go far, far away from Pine Valley (Malaysia it is!) except first they've got to steal a stick drive and destroy Fusion's computer system. Done and done!

Tad thinks he's so smart and tries to talk up Dr. Dave's Personal Pilot and get some secrets about the Dr. Dave situation, but DD's PP don't play that game. Funny Doc is kinda smart though, and switched out the shoebox that DD's PP was guarding. So now Funny Doc and Tad have a shoebox o' Greenlee drugs insteada just a regular shoebox o' shoes.

CrazAnnie's all up in Scott's "business" business, because he's doing budgets and she wants in on that. You're not fooling anyone CrazAnnie. Budgets are boring with a capital B. You just want to be near Scott. I know it, you know it, Grandad knows it. Keep it in your pants before he kicks you to the curb.

PS- Is it just me or were the hairdos on that band in the ad for the "Stagecoach" event a less "country music" and more "Jersey Shore?"

There are some things you can't unsee, Greenlee.

I'm so back, you guys. But wait, I leave for a week and everyone's hair's flat? I'm guessing we're in L.A. now, huh? That happens when I leave New York too.

Monday 2/1:
Everybody's busy kissin' everybody else. Funny Doc and 'Manda, Liza and Tad, but most importantly (i.e. grossest of all) Laves and Erica. Erica thinks their making out is so very important, that she calls a press conference at ConFusion to tell the papa-paparazzi about it. There really isn't ANYTHING else going on in Pine Valley that's news worthy?

On Friday, Greensleeves almost walked in on one-a these Ericavery makeout seshes, but Dr. Dave saves her at the last second from permanently destroying her retinas. He's all, "Don't go in there" and she's all, "Lavery has a girlfriend now doesn't he?!" and David's all, "shoulder shrug." He takes her to WildWindWood, and Tad totally sees him on his way there and that makes the Martin Bros get their panties in a bunch because that dude is back in town. They follow him there and threaten him and junk and are basically just super mean to my boyfriend. I know he lied to everybody about a bunch of things, but you leave my Dr. David Baby Stealer alone, boys. You hear me? Maybe if you guys were nicer to him, he wouldn't have to drug and kidnap for attention.

Laves and Erica head back to his joint, where they totes eat the dinner that was, I'm assuming, originally meant for Laves and Greensleeves. Those two fools then do it on the couch and Greensleeves shows up at the condo, and grabs the secret hidden key (by the way, nice hiding spot, Lavery. The plant in the hallway? Pfft.) and no Greenlee . . .don't. Please knock first. No Greelee. OH MY GOSH GREENLEE DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR! NOOOOOOOOOOO. And the damage is done.

Believe me, I feel your pain, Greensleeves. None of us have enjoyed their little tryst these past few months. Feel free to commence the "making Erica's life a living hell." We've missed you so.