Kendall has friends with yachts

Andddd we’re back! Fake Preggers is looking a little less orangey today. Nice!

Monday 8/3:
So looks like Funny Doc and Amanda have devised a plan to make Dr. David Baby Stealer think they can’t have kids. And then they’ll adopt. They’ll adopt their own baby! It’s a seamless plan.

And while we’re on the subject, babies are HILARIOUS! You ever notice how funny it is when someone who’s never been around a baby, is around a baby? No? Well just look at Blondie, there, she forgot to burp Barbados Baby! Hahahahahahah . . .ha . . . h . . . okay. Lucky for her, Amanda stops by (she decided to not break in this time) giving Blondie an opportunity to drink her sorrows away at Confusion!

Guess who else is drinking her sorrows away! Nope, not Fake Preggers- she’s in court cuz Kendall’s on trial today. Nope, not Kendall- she’s on trial today. Yup, that’s right- Krystal! Yay! Krystal joins Blondie for some cheese fries, and she does that really creepy thing where she talks about her ex to her ex’s new gf and stuff and how he wears socks to bed and how he’s really great in bed . . . no, wait, don’t think she said that. It was still creepy though. Anyhow, Blondie’s very polite and all, and I’m sure the entire time she was thinking about how she wished she’d just stayed home with that loud, burpy baby, the annoying guy and the lady who likes to break into her house.

Down at ye olde courte house there’s all sort of hubbub and Zach punches Aiden (how DARE you jeopardize his face like that, Slater!) and Kendall has to pee (with handcuffs on! LOL!) and Lavery shows up at the bathroom window and steals Kendall so they can “leave the country.” I love the old “leave the country” plan. Down in the basement (where they’re working on “leaving the country," which should be easy, cuz Kendall's got friends with boats and planes), Funny Doc shows up with Heart Valve and the Other One, and Lavery’s all, “Take your kids and leave the country, Kendall!” Then there’s a montage and Kendall gets sad and doesn’t want to leave for some reason or another, and upstairs Fake Preggers throws a lawyer temper tantrum and smacks Baby Stealer in the head. She totes wasn’t expecting him to be there, seems she forgot that the only thing Dr. David Baby Stealer loves more than stealing babies, is court rooms!

This week: someone gets shot! Hooray!

Death by knick knack

Someone gets killed! And it's not Adam . . . again.

Monday 7/6
Hey, guess what? Erica Kane was NOT choked to death by CrazAnnie. BUT Grandad almost had her arrested. Well, almost doesn't count, Grandad.

Down at ye olde casino, Zach encourages Mrs. D.A. to "speak her mind . . . " and boy does she! More on that later.

Now to the important stuff: so Mrs. Mittens visits Patrick Batemen, D.A. in his fancy schmancy District of Columbia hotel room. He's totes bummed because she won't do it (I mean, "it" it!) with him. He gets all forceful and junk (didn't see that one coming), so she bonks him on the head with an American eagle sculpture (because it's D.C.) and he's out cold. She leaves to call Mittens (who is totally capable of answering a cell phone these days, might I add, so I don't want to hear another complaint from him about his surgeon hands), and then Mrs. D.A. shows up, quotes my new catch phrase*, and bonks the D.A. even harder on the head!! There's blood and junk!! I think I'm going to miss his snappy fashion sense the most.

In a terribly unfortunate turn of events, Mrs. Mittens comes back to Hank's room to get keys or her wallet or her velvet scrunchie, and what do you know, Police Chief shows up, intending to tell the D.A. he's quittin'. So now he's there and it looks like his daughter-in-law killed somebody! Police Chief can't catch a damn break!

Mrs. D.A. aparently owns a jet pack or something, probably government issued, because she was able to go to D.C. from Pine Valley, kill her husband, then show up back at the casino to gamble away more money? You lost me, there, AMC, but whatever.

Kendall visits Ryan, and "needs" him, but doesn't want Zach to know this. Turns out Erica Kane "needs" him too, on account of that crazy beyotch livin' with Grandad. Kendall jumps off the balcony or something (I bet she borrowed Mrs. D.A.'s jet pack) and shows up at Grandad's house! That woman can do a lot in heels.

This week, Grandad remembers who shot Stuart and finally, FINALLY, Amanda figures out Barbardos Baby (who's got his drivers license by now) is HER baby!

*"You make it very hard for me to love you, Madison." Except, she says Henry or Hank or Rapist District Attorney. See, it's catching on!!

Once a ho, always a ho

THE CHOKING!!

Thursday 7/2
With her court date moved up, Kendall and The Hardy Boys have been running around talking to this person and that person and finally, Police Chief steps in and says, "Hey folks, let's just tell the truth at the trial!" And Kendall's all, "The what?" And he's like, "The truth" and she's like, "The whaaaaaa?"

Patrick Bateman, District Attorney visits Mittens (and his fancy jammies) in the hospital, and tries to make him think his ex-hooker wife is some sort of slut or something. Down at Casa de Mittens, Mrs. Mittens spills it to Zach about the whole D.A. bein' in love with her thing. Zach's like, "Jackpot! Or not, whatever, you never saw me."

Secret Aiden Man gets discovered by Grandad's crack security team, and they totes find the bug! Curses! (Wait, where were they the night all those people were running around the house, killing The Good Twin?) And Mrs. Mittens decides to sacrifice her hot bod for the good of someone or something, and gallivants off to D.C. with Patrick Bateman.

Kendall is totally bummed she's going to be sentenced to death for the crime she committed. I mean, she didn't commit, that CrazAnnie committed. Actually, that Emma committed. You'll see. You'll all see . . .

Zach is exasperated that no one will do what they're told, Kendall goes missing and (meow) cat fight down at Grandad's house!!

Will CrazAnnie choke Erica to death? My guess is no. But Mrs. Mittens is so going to get busy with Patrick Bateman, and Mittens is not going to be happy about it.

Magnum Pine Valley

Dude, it's July!!

Wednesday 7/1
I just have one thing to say- my new catch-phrase is, "You make it very hard to love you, Madison." I don't care who I'm talking to, I'm calling them Madison. It makes it more effective.

The Mystery Inc. Gang is still stuck on the whole, "Annie killed Stuart" thing. Aiden and his trusty Bluetooth friend are gathering serious evidence. With technology. And Grandad's all "Kendall killed my brother!" No folks, Evil Emma killed him but I'm sure we'll get there in the next few weeks.

Amanda wants to know where her baby is. He's right there! HE'S RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HOUSE! FIGURE IT OUT!! Instead of being honest with her, Funny Doctor makes up a story that I'm pretty sure was based on an episode of "Little House on the Prairie." Something about a dog and working hard. But Thaddeus ain't down with keeping this particular secret. Funny Doc's only hope with keeping him quiet is another bonk on the head.

At the casino Madison tells a lovely little tale that goes something like this: D.A. falls in luv wit a stripper, I mean dancer, I mean prostitute. Prostitute's not in love wit him. D.A. finds rich blonde lady and marries her. Then he goes hiking in the Appalachian Argentinian mountains and digs holes and becomes the governor of South Carolina.

Mittens's hands work! They work enough to grope his wife in the middle of a hospital room at least. See Mittens, it's all gonna be just fine! But wait, Pervy D.A. shows up at casa de Mittens and wants her to run away to the exotic District of Columbia with him. Blackmail, yadda, yadda and Zach hears the whole thing, or most of it at least. Is Pine Valley in Canada? Why is everyone's door always open?

Kendall's mad Tad's a cad and didn't lie for her and Grandad wants to be bad with Annie-ad (pssst, he wants to do her.)

Only one more episode this week. Then we all get to relive Stuart's murder on Friday! Happy 4th of July!