Palmer's Will: The hits just keep coming!

So I partially fell asleep during today's episode because I'm off from work and that makes me all naptastic. Let's see what I can remember.

Wednesday 6/30:
Did you know you can write your will so it forces people to do things like move to a new town and change their name? Me neither. Palmer did, though! That's exactly what he did to old Caleeeeeb. Poor Caleb has to move to Pine Valley for at least a year AND change his last name to Cortlandt from Cooney. (Cortlandt is better, Caleb.) AND apparently Dr. David Hayward was a renter- A RENTER!- and now Caleb gets to live at the WildWoodWind mansion because Palmer bought it for him. This doesn't seem that legal to me, but okay.

Not Babe thinks she needs to sex it up a bit for Junior, since he seems to like crazy slutwhores like Annie. She buys a shorter version of my homecoming dress from 1998 (A note to the ladies: you may think the only way you'll win your high school ex-boyfriend back is by forcing him to take you to homecoming and wearing a mesh cut out dress so tight you can hardly breathe, but trust me, mesh is never the answer and he's not worth the effort anyway. ) but then Lil' A.J. ruins the whole thing because he tells her he's "scared" because she's all done up. To quote Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley, "What kind of dumb@$$ kid gets scared because his mom's wearing makeup?"

Police Chief has now enlisted Tad to find George Someone or Other, who was somehow involved in Erica's plane crash or the whole SEC/Fusion/embezzlement thing or something. I don't know, I'm pretty sure I dozed off for that part. I think the point is that Police Chief's bummed his wife is bummed and he's gonna blame David Hayward for it. Actually, we should really be blaming that eye disease but what do I know? I did wake up to Greensleeves and Dr. David Hayward almost gettin' it on, which is always enjoyable to see.

I promise I don't mean that to sound as pervy as it does. Yes I do.

"What do you wear to a will reading anyway?"

If you're Jackson, some sexy reading glasses and that luscious head of hair.

Tuesday 6/29:
It's the day of Palmer's will reading, ya'll! EricaKane is finally, for reals, released from hospital only after she wakes up to NooBianca watching her sleep as she whispered "Caleb . . . Caleeeeeb." (Erica, not NooBianca.) NooBianca thinks this is weird (no weirder than watching people sleep, NooB) and grills her moms about "Caleeeeeb." Erica plays it off with a "He's just this dude who's mean, and rugged, and chiseled and hunky and . . . is it getting hot in here? I mean, I hate him." Evs, Erica.

Then Krystal stops by Erica's hospital room (can't this woman just leave the place already?) and Krystal basically implies that Erica better not be playin' Jackson for a fool. Erica implies that Krystal better not be writin' checks her butt can't cash.

Sucker Scott is totally freaked out by this will reading, since he basically stole all of Palmer's NanoIpod Technology and he's worried that Palmer's gonna blow up his spot from the afterlife. CrazAnnie is dressed like a crazy slutwhore for this thing, even though homegirl wasn't REALLY invited because she's a crazy slutwhore. Naturally, she goes anyway and she and Not Babe have a confrontation/catfight about Junior and how NotBabe is mad boring and THAT'S why Junior slept with CrazAnnie. I might have to agree with the crazy lady on this one. It culminates with and very lady-like tussle between the 2 of 'em and they knock the marble (read: Styrofoam) Palmer memorial plaque off of it's marble (read: particle board) stand and they have to put it back together with rubber bands and gum. Hijinx.

Finally we get to Palmer's will reading and he gives NooBianca some puppets, Opal back her engagement ring (I guess he was gonna propose to her again? At some point?), Junior a beach house and half of ChandMerica Enterprises and Sucker Scott a painting of Pigeon Hollow and then mentions something about remembering your roots- which is totally a passive aggressive way of saying "Don't be a douche and a thief, Scott." Finally, Palmer bequeaths Palmer Technology to EricaKane and . . . wait for it . . . Caleb, who's actually Palmer's nephew. Hilarious, right? A hermit mountain man and some prissy princess running a technology company! And they totes have the hots for each other. I wonder what will happen. Sorry, Jack- I hear Krystal's on the market.

Little House on the Pine Valley

Seriously why would anyone in the world write a story line other than love and shiny happy things for these two?

Monday 6/28:
Dag, ya'll. I ain't even gonna talk about all the stuff that's happened those past 3 months. I ain't even gonna talk about Erica's plane crash, rescue by a mountain man, falling down a dirt pit and subsequent second rescue by the same mountain main. I ain't gonna mention how Janet From Another Planet stalked Amanda and totes took some folks hostage. And I certainly ain't gonna bring up how Bianca isn't Bianca anymore and she wears belts over sweater vests over tunics over jeans. I ain't gonna talk about that.

Right now, we're talking about what happened today.

See, today, Erica left hospital for the second time, and Jack (who's now her fiancee!) is totally raggin' her for not really resting up and gettin' better from the crash and the pit fall. Instead, she's all up Greensleeve's butt about how Greensleeves and her totally awesome huzzzband Dr. David Baby Stealer a: rigged her plane to go down and b: pretty much framed her for some embezzlement and some junk. Long story short, Dave takes the wrap, because he's awesome and chivalrous and that's what dude does. Oh wait, no actually he bribes the Feds (or whomever that guy in the park was) for "minimal charges." This way he's a hero AND doesn't really have to do too much time. Dave, you and your evil ways.

Meanwhile, Jackson and Erica find out that Palmer's will . . . needs . . . to . . . be . . . read!!! *Duh duh duhhhhhhhh* Titillating.

Since neither Amanda, nor Funny Doc have jobs or places to be, they hang out in the park while some baby sitter watches their kid and Amanda talks about how they're totally going to Italy so Amanda can take some Italian modeling job and they can basically eat pizza and be deadbeats. So Funny Doc goes to hospital to be all, "My name's Jake and I'm outta here- to go eat pizza for a few weeks and then I'll be back." But then he happens upon Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff, who's actin' kinda like she's can't see. He basically tricks her into admitting that she's goin' all Mary Ingalls on us is sorta blind because she contracted some unpronounceable disease from a little boy because Dr. David Hayward won't let the hospital buy gloves. Oh heck to the no, writers. This is not happenin' to my Dr. Angela Hubbard. Fine you can make her blind, but not longer than one month, then we'll all learn a very special lesson and then only good things will happen to the Hubbards. You hear me? Take NooBianca- she wears weird clothes and thinks she better than everyone. But the Hubbards? The Hubbards are joy and light and beauty not to be messed with. You cannot hurt my feelings like this, All My Children. You cannot.

The 37th Daytime Emmys and My Triumphant Return!

Dude, you guys. Long time no see, right? I'm back! And my blog looks all fancy doesn't it? Don't be impressed, it's just one a' those templates. I don't have many graphic design skills, and I'm not about to front like I do. I call this theme "The Yacht Club."

So in 40 minutes I'll see you here for some live blogging of the 37th Annual Daytime Emmys! Or is it "Emmies" . . . I'm never really sure. And why are they in June? Aren't they usually in August? I bet the answer is "budget cuts," right? It's always the budget cuts.

At 9pm EDT, be here to be . . . somewhere else.


9pm TONY ORLANDO?! Holy crap the Daytime Emmys got even more times awesome.

9:01pm Dave Copperfield dyed his hair special for tonight too. Just like me.

9:02pm ZOMG how'd he make Regis appear? He just appeared out of thin air . . . or from backstage.

9:03pm Do we really trust Regis Philbin to host this thing? I predict a lot of yelling and confusion.

9:04pm LaLucci sighting! PS- Regis if you have to explain your joke, it's not funny. It's like, rule number 1 of comedy.

9:10pm This As the World Turns lady is quite a handful. So are her boobs, huh? That dress is earning her Emmy.

9:13pm "Jersey Boys" follows me everywhere I go. The guy next to fake Frankie Valli is a tall drink of water though. I'll teach him to walk like man.

9:16pm Marie Osmond is in the same category as Cher and Dolly Parton. She can do no wrong. First person to make a crack about her dress, face or performance gets cut.

9:17pm Tony Orlando's mustache is as legendary as this song. Also he looks like Keith Hernandez from that one epsiode of Seinfeld. Also, for most of my life I thought "Dawn" was a person and not a band.

9:19pm Did Ryan Seacrest just say "Shubby Shecker?" Pronunciation fail.

9:19pm Lavery sighting! He still thinks he dances better than everyone.

9:20pm Oh LaLucci. You have such a special place in my heart.

9:21pm CHERRRRRRRR!

9:22pm DONNNNNNNNYYYYYYYY!

9:26pm Dick Clark is truly a class act.

9:27pm As much as I love Susan Lucci I'm not spending $.99 on a texted vote for her.

9:28pm Jerry O'Connell looks a lot like Dean Superman What'shisface.

9:29pm Rachel Ray. More yelling. And gestures.

9:32pm Wow, the Lion King. Why'd they choose a song that's not Hakuna Mata or Circle of Life or like, a real song?

9:32pm Ricky Paull Goldin's category! Here we go . . .

9:33 BOOOOOOOOOO. Dr. Jake Martin, you was robbed. That's a nice white tux you have.

9:34pm Well, Mr. Young and the Restless seemed . . . energetic.

9:34pm These The Doctors people are a-holes. There, I said it.

9:35pm Cash Cab Cash Cab Cash Cab . . . .

9:35pm CASH CAB WINS!

9:39pm Oh Regis . . .

9:40pm I can't believe there's a television show based on a Twitter account. Stupid. #Imbasicallyjustjealous

9:42pm Hey, these Blue guys look familiar.

9:44pm All informative talk shows are about doctors? I think hookers are much more informing.

9:45pm Oh, Laves. Greensleeves you look killer and tiny and I love you.

9:46pm Oh Lavery. Lavery, Lavery, Lavery. You enunciate so clearly.

9:47pm Well, hello Drew Tyler Bell. If this soap opera thing doesn't work out there's an opening for "Melody's Shoulder Massager" if you're interested. Shirt optional.

9:49pm It bums me out that this is the second year in a row that calls for a montage of a recently canceled soap. And yet somehow The Hills is still on the air? Pffft.

9:50pm Amanda! Smokin'.

9:52pm Commercial for the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Just ignore all that oil and junk down there.

9:55pm Fashionistas: sparkles are in for Summer 2010.

9:57pm Now THAT'S a joke, Regis. Well done.

9:58pm And these Massey guys are darn funny. Once again proving the funniest writing is on Nickelodeon. The channel really hit its peak with "You Can't Do That On Television" but "Hey Dude" was a regular Noel Coward piece compared to "Two and Half Men."

10pm Hour 1 over. My butt hurts.

10:01pm I'm glad there are more Feed The Children commercials and less Vagisil than last year.

10:08pm Holy crap that's a person in a crab suit!

10:09pm Mr. General Hospital director looked like he was standing up before they were even announced! Shenanigans, I tell you. It's all rigged.

10:10pm I don't understand anything that just happened.

10:10pm Regis, rule number 2 of comedy- don't beat a dead horse . . . or joke. Or whores.

10:10pm Soap Operas! Sponsored by the Las Vegas Hilton!

10:12pm The world's biggest Benihani?!! Well, book me a room. I love it when people throw food at me!

10:13pm This Kelly Monaco lady is a robot. A sad one. A sad robot with hair from 2003.

10:14pm Oh LaLucci, I love you and your charitable ways. Brava. And brava to Feed the Children.

10:22pm Now for some All My Children time. This is what I'm talking about.

10:22pm LaLucci, you're a goddess.

10:25pm Agnes Nixon is the Queen. I love her.

10:27pm Did the announcer just say Jeff Foxworthy was up next? Did my time machine take me back to 1993 when people thought those " . . . Redneck" jokes were funny?

10:29pm Birthday gift wish list. Item number 1: That weird Safe book.

10:31pm The 5 C's: Cash Cab, Cheech and Chong and Chips.

10:34pm Kids, let this be a lesson- do NOT over product your hair.

10:34pm Carnie Wilson hosts the Newlywed Show? In what universe?

10:35pm Cash Cab wins again! Ben Bailey: "I can't believe it." Subtext: I totes deserve this because my show is way more awesome than all those other shows.

10:37pm B & B wins for best writing. I'd be all, "All My Children should've won" but we all know that would've been a lie. Booo to you, Pratt.

10:38pm Jeff Foxworthy. Here am I back in 1993.

10:39pm Actually, these "You might be a" fill in the blank jokes weren't even funny back that.

10:39pm I'm pretty sure ol' Jeff said, "Best Talk Show Post."

10:40pm Stupid doctors.

10:41pm Now THIS doctor deserves his own tv show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0JUVCMIRwA
He haunts my dreams, I see his face so much on the subway.

10:44pm Someday I hope to own a house in which a sectional sofa will fit. Dream big, kids.

10:45pm I don't understand a word Regis says. I don't think Regis does either.

10:46pm Vanessa Marcil = definitely drunk

10:48pm Hey! It's that dude with the same last name as me.

10:49pm GO BOBBIE EAKES!!

10:49pm You were robbed, Bobbs. But good for you As The World Turns lady. Your child is adorable. Your hair accessory choices are interesting. I am okay with this.

10:51pm Best show is up next. I'm rooting for AMC, but my prediction is B & B. I'll bet you a million dollars. Unless I lose, then I was just kidding.

10:56pm That AMC clip for Best Show was kind of lame. Like the writing last season.

10:57pm I WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!

10:57pm I mean, come on, they had Betty White. And she died on the show. They were destined to win. The power of Betty White is unstoppable.

10:58pm Oh no, Regis. Live mic. LIVE MIC! WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

10:59pm And . . . we're done. Phew.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm spent. With the sequins and the Regis and magic tricks. It was too much! Next year in the holy land, All My Children.