Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you and yours from Paraphrasing Pine Valley!

I don't know about you, but I'm ready for the next decade. See you on the flip side!

xoxo,
Melody

It's a Nice Day for a White/Still In a Coma Wedding

Wednesday 12/30:
Liza bailed Tad outta jail, so naturally Tad returned back to the scene of the crime to figure out what Nurse Gayle and Dr. David Greenlee Stealer are hiding once and for all. Not so fast, Taddy Boy. Dr. Dave has a very logical explanation about Massachusetts being the only place he can get his illegal drugs for his fake fatal illness. Naturally. Tad still thinks somethin' up, and Liza, well, she's a horrible lawyer so they leave and go back to Pine Valley.

Dude, Opal's got those visions again. Opal's visions are not to be messed with. She keeps seeing Emma with a bright light around her. Spooooooky.

Greenlee is asleep and then not asleep and then asleep again, and she totes thinks it's her wedding day and keeps asking where Laves is. Nurse Gayle's all "Dude, Dave. You gotta keep her awake and tell her what's up." Dr. Dave's like, "Fine." and the wakes her up and Greenlee's like, "I'm getting married." And he's like, "Yeah, not really. You've been asleep for a long @$$ time." And she's like, "That didn't happen." And he's like, "Yeah, it did. It happens all the time. It's called a coma."

At Grandad's Castle it's for reals someone's wedding day. Well, someone's for reals second wedding day. Someones' second but kinda their first since the groom passed out the first time wedding day . . . whatever, Grandad and CrazAnnie are renewing their vows. CrazAnnie wants to make the day extra special, so she gets a court order for Emma to attend this monstrosity. Kids love being forced to do stuff. Laves is t.o.'d and he shows up at the second first second wedding too, because this is super uncool. Opal shows up and she's like "Ack! Bad visions! Emma!" And everyone starts arguing and Emma slips outside (keep an eye on your kid, Laves) and whatdoyaknow- there's a bright light around Emma! And wind. And noises and holy crap, aliens! Aliens have come to take Emma to space because her parents are clearly unfit. Nope, no, sorry, actually it's just a helicopter. A helicopter with something way better than aliens- HAYLEY!!

The Day Zach Slater Left Town

I've missed you! I've missed Pine Valley! I've missed Dr. David Hayward . . . and ConFusion . . . I've even missed Laves! I've really missed you, Zach Slater. So glad Kendall's back and you guys are together and I'll get to see so much more of you now.

Wait, what?

Tuesday 12/29:
Greenlee's wakin' up. Kinda sorta. She said, "mumble mumble Ryan mumblemumble" to Nurse Gayle and Gayle tells Dr. David this and he's like, "Ryan? Gosh I hate that guy. I'mma put her back under, cool?" Oh yeah, and Tad arrives at the bar with the hospital room in the back (where Greens is), and is totally going to crack this case but Hayward sees him and has his heiny arrested.

Erica Kane stops by Grandad's for some reason or another, and CrazAnnie was just finishing up a pilates sesh with Sven. Erica's all, "I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DO PILATES! BEYOTCH!" And CrazAnnie's like, "Pfsst. Evs, Erica. I'm going to get custody of Emma." Then Laves stops by and he's like, "Can't we just have that joint custody thingy?" And Grandad's like, "Naw, let's send Emma to boarding school." Grandad probably thinks this is 1838 back when people did stuff like that. You know, back when he was Emma's age. I kid, I kid. Anyhoo, the prospect of CrazAnnie having custody of anything is very troubling to just about everyone, so Laves agrees to let the courts decide and then Grandad bribes/not bribes a judge. (Did he bribe that guy? I can't tell. Am I no longer hip to Grandad's subtleties in regards to his corruption of the judicial system? Have I been gone that long?)

Zach and Kendall are finally back in Pine Valley and all is right with the world. Except not. Zach Slater (aka Thorsten Kaye) is totally not moving to L.A. because he's worried he might run into Heidi and Spencer and those "Hills" fools and just have to unleash the wrath of Zach on them. Or maybe he's staying because his partner, Susan Haskell, is on One Life to Live (a popular daytime drama people really like and one that has decent writing . . . but that's just what Soap Opera Digest tells me.) and it's filmed in NYC and he wants to stay with his honey. Either way today was the last Zach Slater episode forever. Or not. As we all know "forever" really isn't forever in soap land.

I'm gonna miss you Zach. I'm gonna miss your wavy dark hair and your manliness and your poetry and the way you don't take nothing from nobody. I will still invoke your memory here in the Paraphrasing Pine Valley apartment . . . er offices, by saying things like, "Not gonna happen!" in your accent, and telling people that "The Boys should be with their mother." Joking aside, daytime drama loses a fantastic character today. Come back to Pine Valley soon, Zach Slater. Even if it's for a day or two.

Holiday Hiatus

Hey, gang! Paraphrasing Pine Valley will be going on a short holiday hiatus on account of . . . the holidays. Wishing you and yours an awesome one, filled with David Hayward's computer passwords and and naughty photos of the D.A.

"I'm great! A bunch of people think I'm dying!"

It is so nice that the first David Hayward episode of the week falls on the same day when our hermit crab, his namesake (DDHHC for short) emerges from his month long molting! It's a Christmas miracle!

Thursday 12/17:
Everyone in Pine Valley, well the important everyones that is, gets an invitation to a "benefit" for the "hospital." Weird, because it's happening the same day they get the invite. In fact, Krystal and Candy Shoppe architect were going to go on a date to go see that new movie with that "I drink your milkshake" guy . . . what's it called . . . um, there's like singing and dancing and like . . . singing in it? It's called "Eight" or something . . . no wait, it's called "Nine™!" Yes, "Nine™." They were going to go see that critically acclaimed movie starring that attractive chick, but you know what, they'll just go to the "benefit" instead.

Meanwhile, Secret Aidan Man has taken Kendall to a Secret Warehouse and, whatever, he's going to make her love him if it's the last thing does and yadda yadda. We all know he's bonkers and none of us like it. 'Specially Zach. Zach's a crazy genius these days and looks around the hotel room they were in and he totes figures out what the haps is. Hottie Inn Keeper ends up back at the hotel room, after a heart to heart with K. Hart (or something, I dunno what any of those folks are doing anymore) and Zach grabs her and totes makes her take him to the Secret Warehouse. Then Aidan hits him over the head with his gun. I have no words for what my dear, sweet sexy accented Aidan has now become.

Erica Kane (who so didn't feel like going to the last minute "benefit," boy is she going to be sorry!) was gonna go to the cops about how weird this whole Kendall thing is, but Zach and Laves convinced her not to. Then she and Laves talk about how they're each other's presents for Christmas this year and stuff and I'm sure it was really sweet but I was so distracted by the jingle jangle of her earrings that couldn't concentrate on anything except that. Who styled this episode? Seriously. Velour is so 2003 and never ever put accessories that sound like a door bell on an actress. Amanda looked smokin' though . . .

Anyhoo, turns out the "benefit" wasn't really a benefit, but more like a party where Dr. David Baby Stealer reminded everyone of how awesome a deceiver he is. He's all, "Tad, sorry 'bout stealing your wife." "JR, sorry I tricked you into drinking again and then tried to steal your kid from ya." "Not Babe, sorry I ignored you when I found out the cutest baby in the entire freaking world was my son (but not really)" "And 'Manda, sorry I made sweet, sweet love to you, not once, but twice (one of those times in the back of a car) and totally manipulated you into moving in with me." "Oh and by the way, you guys, I'm dying."

Pssssst- Nurse Gail says patient is responding well! And from the previews a Greenlee return is imminent my friends. If I ever crash my motorcycle in my wedding gown, and I fall into ditch, and then everyone thinks I'm dead, but I'm actually in like a coma or something in Boston, when I wake up, I can only hope that the first face I would see would be that of that lovely hunk of man, Dr. David Hayward.

The Day Melody Agreed with Lavery

Today's episode has made me so very very angry that I could just punch the air. And not in like a "Hooray" way but in like a "I don't like you, Charles Pratt, Jr." kind of way. Is all of this nonsense his final "screw you" to viewers? I mean, before it was pretty bad, but seriously, Chuck. Grrrrr.

Wednesday 12/16:
Madison finally stands up to her abusive father, with a little help from Erica Kane, and she's taken for questioning and then Police Chief says he wants her to move in with him and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff, which seems weird, but I like them so, cool.

Kendall keeps calling Zach and Laves from some L.A. cell phone (how I'm not sure, since she's bound AND gagged) and she mumbles stuff to Laves, but Zach still thinks she's being a beyotch. Opal goes to Zach and says how she keeps dreaming of Kendall and then a phone ringing (man, she's good) and Police Chief traces the number and is gonna call the LAPD, and Erica comes over and she's like, "Something's not right" and FINALLY Zach's like, "Yeah, all this is really weird. Imma go save her." So he calls Secret Aidan Man (he's in towel, goodness gracious he's in a towel) and he's like, "I want my wife back." Boom, it's on!

Now onto the most infuriating court case ever. EVER! Is Judd Nelson a social worker or a judge? Because he just keeps helping out CrazAnnie and coaching her and junk and Grandad gets on the stand and UGH it's just too much!! Long story short, CrazAnnie's case is thrown out or dismissed or whatever and Laves is like, "FOR REALS?" And I'm like, "I KNOW, LAVES!! COME ON!!" Then Grandad and CrazAnnie celebrate and Grandad thinks they should get married again. They got married like 2 seconds ago, so I don't know the purpose of that, but whatever, this is clearly Pine Valley, Crazytown right now.

Once more around the block, Judd Nelson!

I mean Judge Nelson.

Have you heard of 5 Hour Energy shots? It's the stuff you can buy in any drugstore, and it's supposed to keep you awake and alert when you have important things to do, like important work things? Well, don't take them. No one told me 5 Hour Energy was made of pure evil, so this means I watched AMC at an embarrassingly late/early time of night/morning yesterday. After scrawling some notes in a daze of caffeine and ringing ears, I could only decipher the following.

"I love David Hayward. Where's David Hayward? I miss David Hayward." (Creepy, Melody.)

"I think Pine Valley needs more fire breathing dragons." (Weird, Melody.)

"They need to re-cast Jesse McCartney but now as Lil' A (isn't it about time that kid went through a dramatic soap aging?) and then whenever Lil' A and JR are in scenes together, they can just stare at each other all confused like. No dialogue. Just weird, 'Don't I know you?' stares." (This is a brilliant idea, Melody and I wish you'd had the cognitive ability to articulate it more effectively. Let's think more about this.)

Moving on . . .

Tuesday 12/15:
Erica went to visit Madison at the Miranda Center, but yesterday (when I was in a daze) Randi took her to that broke down motel where she took the stealed baby that one time. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff shows up at the Miranda center too and Erica has her psychiatry pants on today and she's totes backing Madison and wants to get her away from that super Creepy McCreeperson father of hers. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff is a little like, "Mmmm, I dunno. She killed her husband and terrorized my family." But then she comes around and she's like "Well, Madison's dad super creeps me out. Let's do something about him."

Mittens doesn't like Madison's dad either, and yesterday he punched him in the face (so glad his sexy hands are working again!) and Police Chief totes arrested him, but then Mittens apologized (he didn't want to, though) and didn't have to go to for real jail and then Randi shows up and tells Mad's Dad about how Madison's at the broke down motel. Dude, Randi! What have you done?!

So it's CrazAnnie's trial, and she's representing herself and she's all, "Objection!" and the D.A.'s all, "Objection!" and Erica Kane's all, "Objection!" and I swear, these courtroom scenes are driving me up the wall. Judd Nelson, whatever, Judge Nelson . . . he might as well be Mr. "Breakfast Club" because he doesn't do anything very judge-like! It was all just a mess of un-lawyerly like conduct. Finally, CrazAnnie puts herself on the stand and then Grandad (who is in fact, not on the stand and should not be talking in a courtroom) is like, "I totes knew I killed my brother, and I lied and junk!" and everyone freaks out and I swear Judge Wapner would never ever allow this.

Mad's Dad shows up at the broke down motel and he tries to take her home and Brot and Mittens show up and Erica shows up and we all have pretty much decided that he's no good. Whether or not Madison's going to stand up to him remains to be seen, but if anyone is going to put that guy in his place it's Erica Kane. Don't mess with her, guy, she does Pilates. And she's Erica Kane.

The One with the Plant

Pretty low key day in Pine Valley, huh?

Friday 12/11:
Tad the Cad's got to bad for Liza and he brings her a plant, because he's sweet like that. Jake's there and stuff, and he tells Tad about how was he was kinda mean to Dr. David Baby Stealer and Amanda saw and she was pissed that he'd act like that to a "dying" dude. So Tad tells him to go apologize and make sure Amanda sees and then she'll be less t.o.'d.

Jake takes the plant (Liza wasn't so into it anyway, I thought it was quite lovely myself) and gives it Dr. Baby Stealer, and he apologizes and Amanda sees, but then Baby Stealer flips it on him and apologizes even better and comes clean about how he made sure the car ran out of gas when they were going to the fertility clinic. He leaves out that part about Barbados Baby not being his, but his apology is so much better, and Amanda is totally falling for this whole thing. Hayward does make fake dying pretty sexy, though . . .

Erica took Madison to the Miranda Center, but Madison doesn't really feel like talking to anyone, so they call in Mittens (It's been so long since we've seen him! I've missed you, Frankie!), who I guess volunteers there sometimes, and whoa that's weird because he walks into her room they, like, totally know each other!

Junior's got the cancer again, but the guy won't get treatment before Christmas (bad idea, dude) and he won't tell Not Babe about how it's back. He does tell her, though, about how he gave Grandad the "your son or your skanky wife" ultimatum and because of that Not Babe wants Liza to throw CrazAnnie's case for justice's sake. This seems like something a lawyer shouldn't do, but I didn't go to law school. So Liza's on the case, then not on the case, then back on the case and then CrazAnnie finally fires her because she's gonna represent herself. Way to shed that "crazy" image, Annie. Only lunatics forgo a real live lawyer.


So that's that, as of 12/11 All My Children is out of NYC. I'm completely bummed because now it means I won't "accidentally" run into Dr. David Hayward at the bodega as he's getting his coffee in the morning (I bet he drinks it black.) Don't go too L.A. on me, kids. If Tad starts dressing like Axl Rose, I'm going to be angry.

PS- Would it have KILLED The View to do some research before their AMC tribute show? Um, Whoopi- the "Shandler" mansion? Really?

Grandad's Between a Crazy Lady and A Hard Place

Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valleys says (and I quote), "These people can't drive anywhere with out smashing into something! I've been driving for a long time and I've had a million conversations in a car, and not once has that happened. They can't say anything to anybody without takin' their eyes off the road!"
And this is why we're getting married.

Thursday 12/10:
Grandad went to Stuart's grave yesterday and stuff, and Junior showed up and Laves showed up too. Laves was givin' him grief about not being a good dad or something and then Junior drops the old Cancer bomb on Grandad and then tells him to choose Annie or him! Man, Junior! That's not the old welcome home Grandad was looking for post-acquittal.

Krystal's candy shoppe architect is totally getting fresh with her, but Krystal mentions Tad and if I know candy shoppe architects (and I do) the one thing they REALLY hate when they're asking you out on a date is when you start talkin' 'bout your ex. Opal notices and is like, "Lady, unless you're gonna get back in the sack with my son, just go out on dates and stuff." (She didn't mention the sack stuff, but I understood the subtext.)

NouveauColby throws a mini temper tantrum when Liza isn't super stoked that Juno's going to be staying in town with the kid (I'm with you Liza. This is an awful idea.) and she goes back to move into Casa de Grandad again. You're not winning me over, new girl. And oh yes, Scott tells Not Babe he's got, or had, "the hots," as they say, for CrazAnnie. Grandad's got some big plan about gettin' her out or something, but I think the cancer and the ultimatum Junior gave him is kinda messin' with his head. Also his brother's son, his nephew, made out with his wife, and that's not awesome.

Ryan tells Erica about how Zach wants to like, take over Fusion and junk, and she's like, "Okay" and he's like, "No, not okay!" and she's like, "Whatever" and he's like "No, not whatever" and then they dance and get into the car and almost hit Madison, who even looks pretty with a black eye. B**tch.

Then Liza makes out with Tad, and Krystal calls ye olde candy shoppe architect who she'll probably eventually make out with.

Not Guilty With a Chance of Meatballs

Dude, you guys. I have like a delibitating headache. Makes a blog no fun.

Here's what happened:
Grandad= Not Guilty
Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff= Guilty of a committing a fashion crime with that belt she was wearing.
Zach= angry and totes taking back Cambias Industries LLC CO. ETC.
Juno= taking Stuart but staying in town? (I think this is an awful idea, but no one asked me.)
CrazAnnie= super paranoid
Laves= wearing a turtleneck

Judd Nelson Needs Some Order in the Court!

Things we need to know from yesterday:
Liza forgot to call "no take backs" when she adopted Baby Stu.
Aidan's lost his damn mind.
Dr. Jake tended to a Dr. David Baby Stealer who's taking this "fake dying" thing pretty far.

Tuesday 12/8:
It's the day of Grandad's trial, ya'll!

Liza is so distraught about Juno takin' back the baby, that she misses an early morning meeting with Not Babe and I'm pretty sure she's still drunk in court. That's my girl!

Our friend, Scott, copped a plea and stuff. I kind of didn't pay attention to what kinda sentence he got in return, but whatever it is it ain't murder serious or nothin'.***

Everyone's all in tizzy for this trial. Grandad has his finest Civil War era coat on and Judd Nelson, I mean, Judge Nelson is extra judgey!

CrazAnnie is still in hospital, and Laves chills in her room watchin' everything go down on the boob tube (and also kinda sorta keeping tabs on her and putting doubts in her mind and making her think that Grandad is going to make her take the fall for the murder.)

Zach (who don't want no scrubs, i.e. Kendall) is called as the Prosecution's only witness. Nice work, D.A. Not the Dead Guy. That's your tax money at work, Pine Valleians. Zach's all "my wife" this and "my wife" that and stuff and like totally walks away while Liza's (the Defense, mind you) questioning him (get some order, Judd!! I mean Judge!) and in the hall she's like, "Sorry 'bout that" and he's like, "Can you guys- I mean you and Erica and Tad- can you guys just leave me the heck alone?" Dude, Zach. D.A. Not the Dead Guy called you here, yell at him, kid. Zach's a little testy these days, though, and I understand why, so I'll let this one slide.

Trial trial trial, this person's called to testify and that person is called to testify and the Prosecution rests and the Defense rests and then 3 minutes later the 4 person jury finds Grandad . . . eh eh eh, not until tomorrow!

Okay, so I once had Grand Jury duty for a month. A month, you guys. Now I know this wasn't a Grand Jury dealio, but I honestly think a murder trial of this magnitude would take longer than 20 minutes. We're talking some next level Phil Spector sorta stuff. And jury deliberation would for sure be a lot longer than 3 minutes (and I'm being generous with the 3 minutes.) And Judd Nelson, I mean JUDGE Nelson, musta spent way too much time in detention in law school, because there was all sorts of out of order business going down and all he did was overrule all a' Liza's objections! COME ON!! You've taken Aidan away from me, All My Children writers. At least give me a trial worthy of Adam Chandler.

Phew, okay, I'm done. I love David Hayward! Hooray!!


***Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley has now informed me that Scott got off . . . wait for it . . . "scott free." He also reminded me that Dance-A-Thon 2009 went on for nearly two weeks (right?) Would it kill the writers to maybe consider this in the grand scheme of things? Eesh.

Does David Play the Violin?

Because he's playing 'Manda like a fiddle!

Friday 12/4:
Dr. Dave Baby Stealer's got these experimental Malaysian meds for his fake disease and Dr. Jake steals 'em to get tested for fakeness. Well, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff takes a looksie at 'em and they're for reals experimental Malaysian pills for the disease Dr. Dave doesn't have. Everyone's kinda like, "Hmmmm . . . he could be dying but this IS Dr. Dave we're talking about." Yes, yes it is, suckers.

Juno's got Baby Stu and the awesome apartment and a bunch of Christmas decorations and her BF comes over and apparently the dude has gotten a job good enough to take of all three of 'em. What? I have a college degree and I don't have a job good enough to take care of three people!! So Juno thinks about her sitchimication, and she tells Liza she would very much like to keep the baby that she previously gave up.

Junior has the cancer again. Junior tells Tad, but won't tell his wife. Junior also won't get treatments until Grandad's trial's over. Junior made better decisions when he was a drunky.

'Manda has this cutey home movie of cutey Barbados Baby doing cutey things at the petting zoo. She decides that Dr. David Fake Dying should use it to tape some (cutey) fake last words to the kid who's not really his baby. So he does and it's sad, but not really because he's not really dying and I just love David Hayward more and more each day as this thing unfolds. That dude could sell ice to . . . he could sell a bridge to, um . . . uh . . . he could . . . he could sell something to someone who doesn't really need it. That's how awesome David Hayward is.

Judd Nelson presiding?

Oh JUDGE Nelson!!

PS- I've decided to retire some pseudonyms because well, they kind of don't relate, since no one's really pregnant right now. But just you wait, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before there's a real or fake pregnancy.

Thursday 12/3:
Dr. Jake Martin has decided to blow this Pine Valley popsicle stand and he's outta here. He tells his Dad, Dr. Dad, that he's leaving and he's like, "Wow, that's a bummer. I'm retiring and well, it would be nice if you stayed." You drive a hard bargain, Dr. Dad. Still Jake is done and he's leaving. Or is he?

Know who else wants to leave? 'Manda. 'Manda's leaving Dr. David Baby Stealer and his Baby Stealer abode and his Baby Stealer ways. Dr. Baby Stealer's like, "Okay, that's cool whatever. Except I'm dying." (That's the Hayward I know and love! The lies!!) Dr. Dave tells 'Manda he's got cardial uromysistisis and he's got six months to live and it sucks. Oh 'Manda . . . 'Manda 'Manda 'Manda. I know he's got all those fancy medicine words and those fancy medicine bottles but never believe a thing that guy says! That's how we got here in the first place! I understand his appeal though . . .

At Ye Old Courthouse, Judd Nelson, I mean Judge Nelson lets Scott and Grandad out on bail for all those criminally things they did like consummating a crime and perpetrating a perpetrator. Judd Nelson, I mean JUDGE Nelson, does all that plea and bail stuff in CrazAnnie's hospital room, and remember how she was like, "Imma plead guilty?" Well she doesn't. She in fact pleads the opposite of guilty and Judd, I mean Judge, is like, "Too bad. No bail for you." Both Laves and Liza A$$ Off are not happy about this.

Jake stumbles upon Juno, who's taken Baby Stuart out for a walk in some wildly Barbarella-esque boots (on her, not the baby) and she starts talking about how great babies are and it really gets to him and he decides maybe he should stay and save his own little cutey patootey from turning out like that evil biological father of his (who isn't really his biological father.) So he goes back to his pad, and Tad's eaten his guacamole and 'Manda shows up and he's like, "I guess I'll stay" and she's like, "That's so awesome because David only has 6 months to live, LOL!!"

Oh and Junior's cancer's back.

Pizza coma recap. Not really a recap.

In a pizza coma. No energy to recap. But I will say this: Everyone so sad in Pine Valley today. Everyone so drunk.

Love On the Rocks With No Ice

Tuesday 12/1:
Juno wants to take baby Stuart away to think about whether or not she wants to keep him and Liza A$$ Off's like, "Actually, I'ma leave instead, you stay here cuz Lord knows where you're gonna take that child." So now Juno is living in your sweet pad with Stuart, and you have to schlep your stuff somewhere else? Naw, Liza, haven't you seen "Risky Business?" (Actually, neither have I, but I'm pretty sure "teens wreaking havoc" is a big part of that movie.)

Tad and Krystal and Opal (Hooray!! Love her!) and Junior and Not Babe and the gang get a Christmas tree, decorate it in record speed, and Junior coughs. More specifically, he coughs up blood. This is not good in soap opera land.

Babados Baby comes down with a baby fever, and it's really scary, so Dr. David Baby Stealer and Real Preggers take him to the hospital. Real Pregs calls Funny Doc and he comes over and he gets into a sexy fight with Dr. Dave but then he's like totally over this situation and he's all, "Real Pregs, you're exhausting me and I'm so over it" and splits. There there, Dr. Jake, let Melody take care of you. Oh and Barbados Baby's fine- just an ear infection.

Grandad and Scott are in jail . . . together . . . same cell. Scott wants to go back to Chi-town and Grandad's like, "No don't go" and Scott's like, "Okay, I'll stay." Grandad is a very persuasive dude.

Zach is still soooo pissed about Kendall givin' back her wedding ring and making out with Secret Aidan Man (but not really) and he catches Hottie Inn Keeper spying on him and he's had enough of Kendall's trampin' around. He drinks a bunch of booze, calls over Liza A$$ Off and he's like, "I'm not as think as you drunk I am, give me a divorce!" Then lays a big ol' kiss on her. Awesome.