On hiatus

Since watching soap operas and writing recaps doesn't pay the bills . . . yet (Psst, "Soap Opera Digest," call me!) we here in Paraphrasing Pine Valley are still slaves to day jobs. And this week, that day job goes into maximum stress level overdrive, leaving very little time to watch AMC, nonetheless recap it. *single tear*

I shall return next Monday, refreshed, revved up and ready to recap!!

Play it again, Baby Stealer!

Today's episode is about games. Not fun games like Clue or Uno (not Yahtzee, I freaking HATE Yahtzee) but games with people's hearts. Games they write about in pop songs. Songs by boy bands.

Friday 9/25:
Madison and Randi are on the roof. Randi's got a brick and she's so gonna smack Madison upside her bitchy head . . . but then wait, Gosh, no Brot! Why'd you stop her?! She was going to do it! She was going to take the brick and . . . who am I kidding. She was never going to do it.

Remember how Grandad felled down and saw Stuart and it totes freaked him out? He's kind of done with this whole dance marathon thing (Grandads really shouldn't dance for 8 days straight) so he tells CrazAnnie to dance with Scott. Greeaaaattttt. They Lambada a bit and do the whole "you want me," "no you want me" thing while at the bar Lavery taunts Grandad about how CrazAnnie says Emma shot Stuart. Grandad's at a crossroads. Grandad's got some things to think about. Grandad probably wishes he hadn't committed to this whole Dance A Thon 2009 thing because goodness they've been going at it for a while!

In the bathroom! (ROOF! BATHROOM!) Krystal is looking lovely. I don't know if it's that v neck American Apparel turquoise t-shirt she has on, or her new highlights, but my gosh she looks like lovely! Anyhow, Erica's like, "Tad still hearts you." And Krystal's like, "Yeah, but there's that whole letting Dr. David Baby Stealer stick it to me thing." Later on the roof (ROOF!) Tad pretty much confirms that Dr. Baby Stealer sticking it to his wife was a big bummer.

So Dr. Baby Stealer and Real Preggers are dancing or something, and she tells him about how she was playing him, and then someone has a conversation about something with Funny Doc and frankly I missed all of this because a: Barbados Baby is the cutest baby in the entire world and b: everyone holds Barbados Baby like he's made of Plutonium. This is distracting to me. Don't hold him a foot away from you! Cuddle that wittle bitty witty muffin head close to your heart!

Brot figured out in like 2.5 seconds that Madison killed her husband and this pisses off Daughter Police Chief and she's like, "Yeah, well the police force is harder than the military" and he's like, "The military's harder than the police force" and I'm like, "I can't even do a push up. You both win." YAHTZEE! (I freaking hate Yahtzee. It's so loud.)

See, Funny Doc knows that Dr. David Baby Stealer is playing Real Preggers, and to top it off, Dr. David Baby Stealer told Real Preggers she could spend the night with Funny Doc and Barbados Baby, but I mean, come on, he's Dr. David Baby Stealer. Are you gonna believe him, Real Preggers? Clearly you are. Funny Doc knows what's up. Funny Doc, he's so over this. And he's like, "I'm so over this." And then he's like, "I don't want to spend the night with you. I would prefer to spend the night with this lovely little All My Children enthusiast who lives in NYC . . . " Le sigh.

Lots of talking for a Friday. Next week, I want action, you guys. I think it's time for some drugging or some shooting or some Greenlee!!!

Cut a b**ch!

Okay, first thing first. I know Aidan (played by Aiden) wasn't in today's episode, but the news broke that he's gone in November. My heart is heavy with sadness. Not since Leo's unfortunate demise have I been so upset about a hot, tall, hot hunk of man being booted from my fave soap! (Yeah, I guess Leo wasn't "booted" since he went and got that "Vegas" show, which was actually quite good, but then he married Fergie and I just can't respect a man who marries a lady who pees herself.)

Thursday 9/24:
So I guess while I was gone they convinced Dr. David Baby Stealer to take over Tad's hosting Dance A Thon 2009 so Funny Doc could go and steal Barbados Baby?

Daughter Police Chief confronts Madison in the bathroom and breaks a mirror and acts all dramatic and kinda scares Madison, but not really because she's cold as ice and also insane.

Zach kisses Fake Preggers but then Zach's like, "Yeah, I don't really want a girlfriend right now." And she's like, "Your wife's in jail" (but see, she really isn't!!) and Zach like, "Shoulder shrug."

Lavery and CrazAnnie are up on the roof and Lavery's all actin' like he cares a bunch about CrazAnnie and she wants him to protect her and he's like, "Yeah, I'll protect you . . . why'd you kill Stuart? Oops." Actually, he didn't say that, but it was pretty apparent he was playing her. Come on, Lavery. This is Mother. Truckin. Craz. Annie. She ain't fooled that easy. Not like that simpleton Real Preggers.

Real Preggers! So Real Preggers is with Funny Doc, who's about to run away with Barbados Baby, and she's like "Don't go," and he's like, "Clearly I want to steal this baby more than you!" And then Dr. David Baby Stealer's Rachel Dratch look alike nanny comes back, sees all this and gets Doc Baby Stealer. He's like, "DUDE! That's my baby!" And Funny Doc's like, "Naw, dude. This is my baby." And Dr. David Baby Stealer's like, "Just now, when I saw you clutching Barbados Baby by his head, and you wanted to steal him, you reminded me of me. And how I like to steal babies a lot. You know what? You can come over and see your kid at my house where your wife lives (and where I'm going to eventually bed her again, and make another baby.)"

Down in the bathroom (Roof! Bathroom! Roof! Bathroom!) Madison makes it look Daughter Police Chief cut a bitch's face and she's wants to press charges. See, Police Chief doesn't buy that and he tries to squeeze her so hard her head pops off, but Mittens comes down and saves her. Mittens fixes up her face (where'd he get those bandages and gauze?) and Madison loves Mittens, but sorry, Mittens already has a wife that he's not going to divorce just because Madison wants him to.

Lavery and Erica talk all about he was "so close" to getting a confession from CrazAnnie and he wants her to admit to killing Stuart real bad. Newsflash, Lavery. You weren't that close. You were barely close. Zach walks in and he wants Lavery to stay out of it, and Lavery wants him to stay out of it, and we're not going to get anywhere with this are we? Oy.

Back on the dance floor Grandad is exhausted. Know how I know? His hair's all tousled. Oh, and he falls down. Then Stuart comes to him in a vision, collar askew, and asks "If someone shot him too?" Oh, Stuart.

Back on the roof, Madison's hanging out, scheming her schemes and dreaming her dreams and Randi walks up and Madison's like, "What you wanna kill me?" and hands her a brick and tells her to "Hit me with your best shot." Madison, love is a battlefield. Why are you such a heartbreaker? Is it because hell is for children?

See what I did there?

SECOND WORST DAY EVER!

TRAGEDY!!! Again!! It happened AGAIN!!! I've officially turned into one of those elderly people who cannot even comprehend technology.

It's off to some regular old recaps for me at Soapnet.com, since the VCR decided to take the day off. Gosh, what am I supposed to watch now? I wanted to see some dancing!! It's Wednesday night?!! Where can I find some dancing on television?!

I was informed recently by my lovely and wise friend, Deb, that Mercury's in retrograde. I blame you, Mercury. You owe me some Dance A Thon 2009, Mercury. Suck it, Mercury.

The I Have a Headache Recap

Opal wasn't in this episode, but this photo pretty much describes how I feel right now. I've got a smidge of a headache, so this might have to be brief, ya'll.

Tuesday 9/22:
Madison was all, "I'm gonna jump!!" when she was on the roof. And I was all, "Do it!" But she didn't jump and they supposedly put her on bus back to Hell (where she came from in the first place) but she's so evil she reappeared in Erica Kane's office and now she's holding Mittens hostage or something.

Aidan took Kendall back to the secret room. Then stole her tv. And . . . well, that's kinda of it, he stole her tv. Also, remember how they had the sex that one time? Yeah, well, now he still stole her tv.

Zach is super ticked off Lavery's all up his business about the impending CrazAnnie confession. But I kinda think it is Lavery's business for once. I mean, his did daughter killed everybody's favorite Uncle. Oh, they want you to think that CrazAnnie is just SAYING Emma did it, but CrazAnnie and I both know better.

The. End.

Oh no wait! Erica slapped CrazAnnie.

The. End.

Pine Valleians need to work on their plans

Ricky Paull Goldin was in my dream last night. That's really all I can (and should) say about that. I mean that in the least creepy way possible.

Monday 9/19:
New week, still Dance A Thon 2009! When Erica Kane says "Dance A Thon" she means "Dance A Thon." Even though she's not really there right now. But her ankle's fine (because she was faking) and she'll be back in no time!

Lavery and CrazAnnie pick up where they left off, and Lavery's like, "Dude, Emma killed Stuart?" And Me and CrazAnnie are like, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES!!!!!"

Turns out Blondie's not dead, she just got bonked on the head real bad by Randi, who thought she was Madison, on account of the LSD water. If we've learned one thing it's that Randi's bonks don't really kill anybody, they just give 'em a wicked headache, so you'll be fine, Blondie. Police Chief's been thinking a lot about those bonks, and maybe just maybe Madison killed her husband and not Randi . . . but then Randi keeps bonkin' people on the head! What's a Police Chief to think? Still Madison's sneakin' around that joint and well, she's got a score to settle.

Maybe the whole, "Slut whore!" fight that Real Preggers and Funny Doc got into was a plan . . . but maybe it wasn't. All I know is that if Real Preggers doesn't want Funny Doc, I'll take him. I mean that in the least creepy way possible. Dr. David Baby Stealer's like, "Too bad about that whole 'slut whore' thing, Real Preggers. Maybe you shoulda just let me know my son was alive in the first place." And Real Preggers was like, "Hey guy, you were gonna steal my baby, you actually said you wanted to buy him!" And Dr. David Baby Stealer's like, "Whatevs. See, I'm not a 'bad guy,' I just really love stealing babies and well, I mean, that's my kid. It would technically not be stealing . . . it would just be . . . hey I love this song LET'S DANCE!!!"

Zach and Fake Preggers are totally killing it in the pledge department, and they've even been voted "Sexiest Couple" like a million times. This means they get to take a bunch of breaks, and so do Lavery and CrazAnnie (why I don't know because they're doing less "dancing" and more "arguing" right now), and Lavery tells Zach about that whole "Emma killed Stuart" thing when CrazAnnie walks away, but he doesn't for reals think Emma killed him. Instead he just thinks CrazAnnie's using her kid to take the heat off of herself and Lavery has his daughter's best interest in mind. He seems to forget that he's always losing his daughter and making her hang out the nanny while he twirls around in NYC with Erica Kane and that's probably why she killed Stuart in the first place. (Because she did!) Then Lavery punches Zach, as "an act" to make CrazAnnie think he's on her side. I can't wait to see how many fist fights those guys get into for "the act."

Okay, so Madison's still on the loose and Mittens sees her and tries to get her or something, but she pulls the old "twist the guy's arm behind his back" move (even more effective because he's got broke ass hands) and she eventually ends up on the roof and is threatening to jump! Mittens, let her do it. She needs to learn a lesson.

Remember that "Sexiest Couple" thing? Well, it's probably because Fake Preggers made out with Zach and Kendall saw the whole thing because it's televised and junk. Kendall clearly doesn't care that everyone thinks she's in prison and she breaks out of her secret room and goes to the Dance A Thon. I guess to witness the making out in person? Zach sees her and then they're in the boiler room and he's like, "God Kendall, someone could've seen you!! I mean, someone besides me!" And then Secret Aidan Man pops up (I LOVE when he doesn't that!) and he's like, "AHA! Someone else besides you, did see you!!"

Oh Aidan, it's been too long.

Everyone's a big meanie in Pine Valley

Golly, everyone's got their panties in a bunch in Pine Valley today! But they're still dancin' for the kids!!

Friday 9/18:
It's still Dance A Thon 2009!! You didn't think it was over did you? We've got a lot of kids to save, we're gonna dance like we're dancing to end world poverty!

Junior and Not Babe don't really care about the kids, though. Instead they care more about doing it on the roof. Everyone still thinks Junior's a drunk, too. Have these people ever actually seen anyone drunk? I think the residents of Pine Valley need a refresher course on the difference between "drunk" and "guy who has a life threatening illness."

Evil Mustache Twirling Madison's got her LSD poison water, and she totally slips it to Randi, who starts hallucinating and junk! Whoooooo!! More on that later.

Petey still has to potty. He is so going to get Uromysitisis, poor thing.

Speaking of potties, Funny Doc follows Real Preggers into the loo and they get into a fight, which I totally thought was another act, but apparently not because later Funny Doc calls Real Preggers a slut whore!! Burn. On a side note, isn't Barbados Baby the cutest baby in the entire world? They should put him in a tiny little bear suit. He'd be even cuter if he was dressed like a mini bear. He'd be Barbados Baby Bear. Or B cubed for short.

Okay, enough about that cutey patootie baby, we've got real life soap opera stuff to talk about. Lavery and CrazAnnie hang out on the roof (the only place more popular than the bathroom) and Emma calls and she's all, "Don't worry ma, I won't tell that dumb guy who's my dad the secret about Stuart's murder, LOL!!!" And Lavery's all, "I'm not dumb. I'm just intense. LOL!" Then they go back to the dancing downstairs (let's remember why we're all here, folks) and Lavery's like, "Hey . . . . wait a minute . . . " And I'm telling you people, I went on record MONTHS AGO stating that Emma killed Stuart and I will not back down from that. She killed him and we need to put Emma in jail. Am I right, ya'll?

Meanwhile in the bathroom (the only place more popular than the roof) Randi's busy freaking out because she's on acid and then Blondie walks in and Randi thinks it's like, Madison, and the next think you know poor Blondie is crumpled up on the floor in the stall and Randi (and Madison!) are no where to be found! ZOMG!!!

DANCE A THON 2009!!!!

Dancing and slapping and poison, oh my!

Is there anything more delightful than watching a Baby Stealing Doctor dance? I don't think so.

Thursday 9/17:
It's still Dance A Thon 2009!!! It's a Dance A Thon! It's gonna last for a while, people!

See the rules are this: you raise money, you get to sit down for a sec. You don't raise money (I'm talking to you, extras in the back) you keep dancing until you get one of those ridiculous charley horses because you don't get enough potassium in your diet and your fall to the ground writhing in agony. That's what happens.

Nerd Boy has to pee. Nerd Boy doesn't raise any money. This means Nerd Boy might wet his pants.

Lavery and Erica and Grandad and Annie DO raise money. So they get to take a break, and Lavery gets all up in CrazAnnie's face and she tries to slap him and I so don't blame her for it because he is really, really annoying.

Zach and Fake Preggers are on camera pretty much the whole time, and Kendall's watching at home and she's so angry that she calls Zach but Fake Preggers answers so it's like super awkward.

Lavery's kinda onto Zach and how he maybe has been letting CrazAnnie see Emma but I missed most of that because TV decided to have a Test of the Emergency Broadcast System during their conversation. Thanks a lot, Test.

Grandad keeps having flashbacks about the night of Stuart's murder, but they're pretty much useless, because they tell us nothing. He just keeps seeing all those people with their guns and junk but doesn't see the murder. Gosh I wish folks in Pine Valley would have productive flashbacks!

I guess Lavery's deciding to be on the "offensive" with this whole CrazAnnie thing and he's gonna tell her what's what, so Erica fakes a hurt foot and since Grandad's busy flashing back (zoinks!), CrazAnnie and Lavery have to dance together or they'll be disqualified. They're doing it for the children. You know, I really do believe the children are our future. I mean, I think we should teach them well, and you know, let them lead the way. We should like, show them all the beauty they possess inside. Maybe give them a sense of pride? I dunno, to make it easier? Let the children's laughter . . . nevermind.

JR and Not Babe are falling in love and . . . well, I guess that's it. They really love each other. BORING!

Then Madison steals some water and poisons it. That's my girl!!!

So You Think You Can Raise Money for Impoverished Children By Dancing?

I think while my VCR was busy not taping yesterday, Madison tried to bonk Frankie on the head, Real Preggers starts to get "closer" to Dr. David Baby Stealer, and Erica and Lavery decide to dance away the children's poverty.

Wednesday 9/16:
Guess what day it is, you guys! It's Dance A Thon 2009!!! Everyone in Pine Valley is going to dance for the children. They're going to dance so hard and so long that those children will no longer be poor!!

Before we can get to the dancing, it seems this whole living with Dr. David Baby Stealer thing has him and Real Preggers gettin' all close and stuff. Real Preggers explains to Funny Doc, you know- her husband, that Baby Stealer needs to fall in love with her, and then that'll make her get Barbados Baby back for reals. This is a fantastic plan. A plan almost as good as leaving your child in an alley so you can later find him.

Everyone is totes excited about Dance A Thon 2009! They're at ConFusion and they've got water and tv cameras and fax machines all ready to raise some money! Blondie's kinda bummed that Tad doesn't seem to like her as much as she likes him, but that's okay because Brot's there and he's going to dance with her and Tad is sometimes annoying anyway. It's Dance A Thon 2009, everybody!

Police Chief thinks it's really weird how Madison took that heavy thing and tried to hit Mittens over the head. That's kinda like how the D.A. died . . . hey, wait a minute . . . maybe she actually killed him! She really likes knick knacks. Plus, she's a crazy bitch. And even though no one notices she's totally sneaking around ConFusion looking creepy. Hmmm, let's explore this futher.

Dance A Thon 2009 rules!! Even CrazAnnie was allowed out of the house to come and dance with Grandad. Oh man, this doesn't make Erica OR Lavery happy. It was totally a Kenickie/Cha Cha/Sandy/Danny kinda thing. But see, Grandad's said that Chandmerica United Intercor Co. will give a ton of money, and Erica really wants to help the kids, so she kinda has to let him and Ms. Ankle Monitor stay. Sorry, Lavery. The kids win.

Put your mittens 'round your kittens (you too, Mittens!), and away we go!! Dance A Thon 2009 is off to a great start! Dr. David Baby Stealer's cuttin' a rug with Real Preggers, Zach's gettin' jiggy with it with Fake Preggers (much to the chagrin of Kendall, who's watching the whole thing since it's being televised- so convenient!). Everyone's having a great time! That is until Opal (who's dressed like one of The Ronettes) goes to the bathroom with little Emma and turns around and sees all this blood on the door (not really- it's just one of her premonitions) and she's like, "I picked the wrong day to stop not being psychic."

DANCE A THON 2009!!!!

WORST DAY EVER!!!

You guys, I have really, really bad news. The VCR forsook me today, and no All My Children was taped. Why, oh, why would you do this, VCR? I love you and I've cared for you all of these years and today of all days was NOT the day to not tape something. Yes we do have a DVR now, and I can assure you we'll be hooking it up asap. Maybe ol' Tapey McTaperson felt the end was near. I'll miss your crappy video quality, my friend.

I guess I'll just have to read the "official" recaps on ABC.com or something. It's a dark, dark day in Paraphrasing Pine Valley land. A dark day indeed.

Here's my favorite picture of Kendall:

Hooray for Mittens!!

Who's excited about the impending Dance a Thon 2009?!!

Monday 9/14:
Looks like Mittens is going to be all surgified again. Well done, Mittens. You stayed sober enough to a: not sleep with Madison the Dead D.A.'s Wife and b: put on a suit. And you got your job back! Now go surgery someone! He's still all down, though, about how he kinda sorta maybe but not really slept with Madison and thinks his marriage is ruined.

Know who else thinks his marriage is ruined? His wife. Yup, she's gonna file for divorce. But she hasn't had her morning coffee yet and she doesn't want to talk about. Randi, you're at a bar. Shut up. Madison likes bars and also pissing people off, so she shows up and Police Chief totes threatens her life. Oh Police Chief.

Zach takes Emma to Mansion de Grandad so she can visit mommy and maybe they'll get a confession. If it were that easy! Fake Preggers was at Zach's house, naturally, so I guess she "watches" The Boys, but she's such a bad mother she loses one of them and he totes goes to the secret door to the secret room and starts talking about his mommy! Way to ruin it, kid. Kendall is such a bad prisoner, that instead of just letting him stay there and you know, not risk being discovered by Fake Preggers, she snatches him. Now people think we have a missing child and he's actually with a lady who's supposed to be in jail! Oh Kendall.

This crazy storm has gotten Grandad all worked up, and he keeps talking about how his brother was murdered and aren't we over that yet? No? Damn. So Zach is there and Emma talks to CrazAnnie and she's all weird and makes you think she maybe killed Stuart and Grandad remembers something about that night . . . wait . . . eh eh eh- not till tomorrow, you guys! This is the soaps!

Randi shows up at Mittens office to make him feel bad about himself, I mean, congratulate him. Randi wants a divorce, PSYCHE, no she doesn't and they're gonna stay together. Well that was easy. She leaves and Madison shows up and she wants to steal people kidneys for cash but Mittens is a for real doc now and won't do that and she's mad and HEY LOOK THERE'S A KNICK KNACK!!! GRAB IT MADISON!! MADISON IS GOING TO BONK MITTENS ON THE HEAD!!! Eh eh eh- tomorrow, ya'll.

Tomorrow's there's bonking, and . . . other stuff I guess? I really mostly just care about the bonking.

Catchin' up part deux

Friday 9/11:
Down at ConFusion, Tad and Blondie are talking about some nonsense, and Funny Doc comes in and he's worked up and he leaves (he takes the snacks!) to go sneak into see Real Preggers, and Tad's like blah blah blah and Blondie's like, "You so can't commit to me, see you later, sucker."

Kendall is whining about how she's annoyed Fake Preggers loves Zach, and that Zach won't have the sex with her because she had the sex with Lavery all those months ago and seriously, Kendall, I wish you were in for reals jail and not fake jail. Also, that scrunchy top terry cloth empire waisted thing you're wearing is so 2005.

Looks like Real Preggers checked the "Barbados Baby" box, and she takes off her wedding ring but then swears to Funny Doc (who like Kendall, can't obey the rules) that she totes loves him and her ring and they have the sex and then he leaves through the solarium (that's how you know Baby Stealer's evil- he has a solarium!) and just then Dr. Baby Stealer walks in and he's like, "Caught ya!!" By "Caught ya!" he means, "You were crying, Real Preggers." That makes no sense. People don't just say, "Caught ya!" when other people are sad. That would be incredibly insensitive. Wait, nevermind. Forgot who I was talking about.

Junior and Not Babe went down to the cabin to do some fishing. How quaint. With their poles and their baskets and stuff. Junior's like, "Umm, so you know how tired and weird and sick I've been acting? I'm totes drinking again." Then he's like, "Psyche! JK! LOL! I've got cancer." I'm not kidding, he totally said that. Okay, well, maybe not exactly that, but he did something similar.

Then Funny Doc has totally gratuitous sexy shower.

Is it just me, or is everyone is a whiny little beyotch in Pine Valley? Snap out of it, ya'll. You can't plot and scheme when you're busy crying and showering and complaining! Greenlee would have none of this.

Catchin' up part un

Sorry I missed two episodes you guys. I have no excuse except "I'm lazy."

Thursday 9/10:
The president of "The Network" that airs Erica Kane's television extravaganza is p.o.'d about Erica's little tirade about the impoverished children. This president, Shirley U. Jest, wants Erica Kane to apologize. Shirley's apparently never met Erica before, because if there's one thing Erica doesn't do, it's apologize to people. So she quits. Erica, not Shirley.

Funny Doc is not thrilled about this arrangement of Real Preggers living with Dr. David Baby Stealer. He makes Krystal make Opal fake a heart attack or gas or something, so Dr. Baby Stealer is paged to the hospital (I love it that doctor's are so old school and still get to wear pagers) so he can go hang out at Baby Stealer's crib (nyuck nyuck) and see his wife and give her some wedding rings and junk. Dr. David Baby Stealer has already said that Barbados Baby doesn't really have to change his name to Dr. David Baby Stealer, Jr., and that he can stick with Barbados Baby, but he's like, "Dude, I hate Funny Doc. Keep my son away from him," so you can only imagine where all this nonsense is going.

CrazAnnie and Scott agree that they probably shouldn't make out, and Lavery busts all up in the joint and accuses Crazy of stealing Emma. Well done, Lavery, you lost your child, AGAIN. Turns out CrazAnnie didn't actually steal her (hellloooooo ankle bracelet!) and Emma instead went to Zach's because she's evil and she's got some sort of plot she's plotting. Don't trust her, Zach. Zach calls Lavery and he's like, "Yo pick up your kid." And then Fake Preggers stops by and yadda yadda yadda Zach is going to use his mind control powers to convince CrazAnnie to confess to Stuart's murder. I dunno about you, but I kind of stopped caring about who actually shot that guy.

Erica Kane shows up at Lavery's house and she's buggin' about the fact that she quit and that no one cares about the children. Lavery's like, "Well, I just got back here with my daughter, whom I thought was kidnapped, but let's go get dinner! Yeah!" So they go to dinner and talk about how they can raise money for the kids (not to be confused with The Boys) and they dance (always with the dancing) and then Lavery's like, "I've got an idea!" I wonder what they're going to do . . . bingo night? Yard sale? Dunk tank? I'm stumped!

Dr. David Baby Stealer is REALLY unhappy that Funny Doc was in his evil lair, and he's like, "Real Preggers, your baby or Funny Doc! Check a box!"

Everyone puts everyone else in their place in Pine Valley

And by "in their place" I mean, "in their bed."

Wednesday 9/9:
So Tad and Junior are eating at ConFusion, and Junior is doing less "eating" and more "looking really sick" because he's got cancer. I don't want to be insensitive, but if Junior doesn't want that cheeseburger because of the chemo, I totally would've eaten it. That thing looked GOOD!

Real Preggers and Dr. David Baby Stealer have brought Barbados Baby into the hospital, because Dr. Baby Stealer wants him checked out and get all that "commoner" washed off him, now that's Barbados Baby's going to be living in the Baby Stealer's fancy lair. This makes Funny Doc SUPER p.o.'d, because well, that's kind of his kid . . . I mean, it's his wife's kid, but still, it's a huge drag to have the son that you loved and fake abandoned and junk now living with your mortal enemy. I'm actually not convinced that Barbados Baby really IS Dr. David Baby Stealer's baby, though. It doesn't look anything like him. The kid has blonde hair! Plus it is super duper cute and I would totally steal him myself. I kinda think it's Junior's kid . . .

Mittens is whining and moping about how his wife is like, I dunno, making him feel bad about himself. Police Chief and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief think Mittens is a dumb ass for now hanging out with the Dead D.A.'s wife. Randi's like, "Big whoop. Who's got a baby I can pretend is my own?" Well, Mittens is also a complete light weight and gets tanked and ends up in Dead D.A.'s Wife's hotel room (again?). Dr. Mrs. Police Chief comes to said room and smacks Dead D.A.'s Wife upside her yuppie blonde head. Way to go, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief.

Elsewhere, I mean in the Secret Room, Kendall and Zach make out, but then Kendall brings up that whole "sleeping with Lavery" thing and how Zach won't ever trust her and sometimes he ignores her and my GOSH Kendall, will you just shut it about that? Kendall. You exhaust me.

CrazAnnie is all bummed out about the fact that her daughter might have to grow up without a mother and Scott's like, "Yeah, I didn't have a mother. It was hard. Rock hard. Just like my abs." And then later they make out. Good one. Look at me, Scott. Do you see me? Okay, you can't see me but if you could see me, you'd see the look of disappointment on my face and my head shaking back and forth. I'm not happy Scott. Not happy at all. Feel free to keep your shirt off, though.

Not Babe goes and tries get all up in Junior's bed. At least I'm pretty sure that's what she means when she goes to his room and says "I'm going to do something for myself for once." Though for Not Babe, she probably just means they're going to go eat a million ice cream sundaes or stare at the clouds or, like, try to catch leprechauns. There's probably nothing sexy about it. I guess we'll find out tomorrow!!

Everyone's kind of a tramp in Pine Valley

Anddddd we're back.

Tuesday 9/8:
Erica is moping because no one watched her special about poverty in Africa. Lavery tells her to suck it up, because she's Erica Kane dammit. And nobody doesn't watch Erica Kane's tv show about starving children!! Nobody!

CrazAnnie is kind of a slut whore, and is inappropriately gallivanting with Scott while they're both wet and in bathing suits. Not only is it inappropriate, it's dangerous. I'm sure the floors in Casa de Grandad are of the finest marble, and probably super slippery. Use your heads, kids.

Grandad peeps some of this horseplay, and he's understandably annoyed. Not just about the wet running, but also because it kinda seems like maybe his wife-to-be is hardcore flirting with his nephew. Bummer, Grandad.

Turns out Mittens is also kind of a slut whore, too. And I'm pretty sure he did "it", or partially did "it" with the Dead D.A.'s wife because he was drowning his sorrows in booze and blackjack and Dead D.A.'s wives. Madison wants him to steal drugs and give her money, but Mittens is sad because his own wife likes to insinuate that he's not a man and you know what, Mittens? Madison seems like a LOT more fun with her drinking and her gambling than that whining baby stealer (note the lowercase) you have back at home, so just go for it!

At the TV station, Erica is still really bummed about how nobody watched her special, and her good for nothing producer tells her to instead do makeovers on Opal and Krystal. You know why he's good for nothing? If this he were a decent producer he'd already have regular old ugly people there to get for reals makeovers, not 2 gorgeous ladies who already wear designer clothing. This New Beginnings show is probably cutting into his "cocaine snorting" time and he can't be bother with producerly duties. Oh and the makeovers are not that great and I'm pretty sure Krystal was wearing a banana clip.

Anyhoo, instead of talking about how bad her makeover is, Krystal decides to talk about how awesome Erica's special about those poor kids was. This makes Erica turn all "Elvis Costello on the December 12, 1977 episode of SNL" (peep it here) and tells us all to save the children and to screw those lame makeovers. We also learn that Lavery is New Beginnings biggest advertiser. Wha?

Kendall and Zach think they can convince that ho-bag CrazAnnie to admit she killed Stuart, and they're gonna use Emma to do it. Great. Love using kids as pawns. It's awesome. Zach goes to Lavery's house to visit The Other One, and Emma's there. SCORE! Zach pulls the old "why sure I'll take this picture you drew to your mommy and that way I can go force her confess to killing Stuart" trick. Kids are so gullible.

So yeah, Zach takes that picture and makes CrazAnnie think he's on her side or something and we're all supposed to think that she shot Stuart and she's still a skanky tramp tramp floozy.

Labor Deja Vu

It's Labor Day here in the U.S. of A., and since no one's working, we get to relive Fake Preggers Fake Birthing her baby!

Here's what happened back in June when this episode was all new and stuff.

Monday 6/29:
Finally, Fake Preggers gives Not Birth to her few week old "newborn" baby!! And he was born with a hat. How convenient! (Turns out the whole Tad getting pulled over thing last week was kind of a non-event.)

Meanwhile, at the hippest spot in Pine Valley (aka the cemetery) Krystal and Baby Stealer share a very romantic kiss atop their dead daughter's grave and the recently buried urn of coffee grounds. Not Babe is totally bummed to see them making out, because it's really icky to see your parents do it . . . I mean, make out. Not Babe's got the hots for Junior, and Baby Stealer's all, "But he's a drunk!" and Junior's all, "Hellllooooo! You almost killed Krystal driving drunk! Who's the drunk now, Drunky?!" And Baby Stealer's all, "Touche." Junior tells Not Babe that when he swaped spit with her, he was kinda pretending she was his dead wife. This doesn't land well with Not Babe. It's also super creepy.

At the Chandler mansion, turns out Sherlock Lavery, Dr. Erica Watson and Secret Aiden Man have done some super sleuthing and have figured out that maybe, just maybe Annie was the one who shot Stuart. Well done, kids.

Fake Preggers decides to name Barbados Baby, "Stuart" . . . Does no one, NO ONE realize this damn kid is, what, a month and a half old?

The Lady Formally Knows As Real Preggers can't stand that child's incessant wailing- I think it's because she's bummed her baby "died" or was "adopted" or "for Pete's sake that kid is 8 months old, why don't you people realize that???!!!!"

JR talks to a dead person (Guess who it is!), Tad and Blondie Soldier are totes going to do it and Amanda peeps Barbados Baby and doesn't realize it's her kid (COME ON!!! HE'S LIKE 2!)

The One With Grandad's Sunglasses

Grandad Chandler is so cool that he wears sunglasses inside.

Friday 9/4:
Real Preggers is totally moving in with Dr. David Baby Stealer, for Barbados Baby's sake. This is makes Funny Doc mad and Not Babe sad because I think she might be jealous that there's now someone else for Dr. David Baby Stealer to fawn over. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride, huh, Not Babe?

Speaking of brides, CrazAnnie is getting ready for her wedding! To Grandad! Hooray! Dresses! Shoes! YAY!

Everyone thinks Junior's drinking, and they're all being super mean to him. They are so going to feel like a**holes when they find out he really just has the cancer.

Erica thinks Zach's having an affair because of all of the lipstick around the house and the letting Lavery take his kid and stuff. Lavery comes over to Zach's house (where Kendall still can't just stay in that room!) and consoles Erica Kane and it kinda seems like they're going to make out or do it or something, but thank goodness they don't because Kendall was right there in the room and ew, that would be too much.

So Zach was super annoyed with Erica's accusing him of having an affair and stuff, so he leaves and visits CrazAnnie, who's trying on wedding dresses (YAY!), and he zips her up and wants to make a deal and yadda yadda yadda, CrazAnnie is too smart to play Zach's little "help me help you, but actually just help me because I'm going to screw you over" game. Grandad walks in (he probably couldn't see where he was going because he was inside wearing sunglasses) and totally sees her in her wedding dress and HER LIFE IS RUINED!! Way to go, Grandad. Way to make sure you guys have a million years bad luck!

Seriously, what was with Grandad's glasses? Cataract surgery? Eye lift? I was so distracted.

Who wants to buy a baby?

I'm not sure what it says about me that I kinda feel for Dr. David Baby Stealer these days. I'm going to blame the dark cloud of my swine flu . . . what am I saying? I always root for Dr. David Baby Stealer.

Thursday 9/3:
So there's this baby, his name is Barbados Baby, and everybody wants him. Dr. Baby Stealer, Randi, Real Preggers . . . all of those fools. That's basically the gist of today's episode.

Randi is super sad, which I'm kind of over. Her sadness manifests itself as bitchiness, which I think is uncool. Snap out of it, Randi! Just get a kitty or a gold fish or learn how to crochet! Anything to stop your whining! Police Chief is the only person Randi will talk to, but Brot thinks maybe Mittens should be consoling Randi instead of Police Chief. Brot is always the voice of reason. One of these days, I want him to be all, "Um. Hello? Guys? I was in WAR for goodness sake. Like, for reals war. And I always have such a sunny disposition- you people need to shut it about your babies."

Tad and Fake Preggers visit the not dead D.A. about the options for Funny Doc and Amanda to keep Barbados Baby. Basically, there are none. Dr. David Babystealer wins. He always wins.

Funny Doc decides to add "murder" onto that laundry list of crimes (because faking a baby's death and abandoning him isn't enough) and he SWAT team style kicks in Dr. David Baby Stealer's door and totes holds a gun on him. Well, Amanda, even though she was asleep during the first part of the kicking and the gun stuff, knew he was going to pull the old SWAT team move, shows up at Dr. Baby Stealer's lair, and tells Funny Doc not to shoot anyone and that she'll totes move in with him!

Okay, so who's going to buy me that awesome All My Children issue of ABC Soaps?!!

Today, from my death bed

So last night I had a dream that I was invited to join the national live tour of "All My Children" (oh if there WAS such a thing!) and the only real characters from the show who were there were Mittens and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief. Everybody else was some two bit made up character because I don't think they could afford Lucci or Mathison. All the two bit characters were really mean to me (I wasn't allowed to talk to the real ones) and it made me sad, so I decided to quit and yelled at everyone about how they should be nicer.

Then this morning I woke up with the swine flu, or the plague or, like, a bad cold. Coincidence? Probably.

Wednesday 9/2:
Lavery's taken little The Other One cuz Zach is actin' all crazy and stuff and Lavery would prefer his child only be subjected to his own weirdness. Zach's like "Sure, fine whatever, I'll just keep the broken one" which makes Lavery even ANGRIER and he's for REAL taking and keeping The Other One! Erica Kane has decided to move in with Zach, which is both awesome and not awesome. It would be more awesome if Kendall could stay in her darn secret room because Erica is SO going to find out about this whole Robot Kendall in jail instead thing!

Junior still has the cancer, so he's getting chemo and it makes him think about how much he loves Not Babe and stuff. Tad was there and surprisingly un-annoying while Junior got his treatments. Way to go, Tad. Maybe I don't hate you.

So Funny Doc is in jail because I think it's illegal to fake a baby's death and then abandon it in an alley with the hopes of pretend finding it and stuff. I'm no lawyer, though. You know who is, or at least almost a lawyer- Not Babe! Over at The House of Ill Formed Plans (a.k.a. The Martin residence) the gang convinces Not Babe to move in with Dr. David Baby Stealer so she can spy on him. That is sooo going to mess with Junior's game.

Kendall's in The Secret Room, for once, and that story she's writing is so boring that it puts even her to sleep! Luckily, she envisions the night of Stuart's murder (one more time, ya'll!) and, zoinks, she realizes she didn't actually shoot him!

Dr. David Baby Stealer just hates dealing with all these "lawyers" and "custody battles" and such, so he think that Amanda should just move in with him so they can take care of the baby together. Oh, and he'll drop all the charges. Amanda's so easily bought (remember how she got knocked up in the first place?), I'm pretty sure she's going to take him up on the offer.

Fake Preggers gets 5 phone calls in a row and the person doesn't leave a message. GREENLEE!!! Please?!!!??!?!?

PS- Dude, Fake Pregger's baby was born around the same time as Barbados Baby, right? Why is BB so much bigger than Fake Preg's baby? Barbados Baby is practically like one of those giant Maury Povich babies!!!