How to make a baby. And not.

Today's episode is all about keeping families and people together. Except you, Colby.

Thursday 11/12:
Yeah dude, Grandad thinks CrazAnnie's pregnant. This is a problem because girlfriend is very much not pregnant. Grandad kinda walks in on a secret convo between Craz and Scott about how she's so not preggers, but they flip it on him and make him think it's about getting custody of Emma. So then Grandad calls up his mafia lawyers and, well, you can see where this is going.

Dr. David Baby Stealer and Real Preggers have a very important fertility appointment out of town. Dr. David Baby Stealer has to take a short cut through the dark woody woods, and oh oh oh, wait a minute, they run out of gas. Darn, the tow truck can't come til tomorrow morning. Hmmmmm. What to do? Guess this means they'll just have to have the sex to make a baby instead!

Junior wants to get Grandad committed 'cuz he's acting all funny. Not funny "ha ha" but funny like, "he didn't sign a prenup when he married CrazAnnie." And he killed someone. Liza A$$ Off says you can't just go and commit people. She would know because she's a lawyer. You should try though, Junior, because if it works, I have a whole list I'd like to submit for commit-ance.

With CrazAnnie all Fake Preggers, she needs to find a way to be Real Not Preggers, stat. She wants Scott to throw her down the stairs, but he reminds her that he's a lover, not a fighter, so she throws herself down the stair and oops, may have lost that pretend baby!

Laves is psychic and knew she would do this, so he and Erica Kane (who are going steady now!) are perched at hospital, ready for that Fake Baby Losing CrazAnnie and they're totes going to get a confession or something. For the love of Pete, you guys, evvvvverrryyyyoonnneee in Pine Valley knows Adam killed Stuart. Can we just forget about this whole thing, because I kind of don't really give a rat's a-word anymore. Let's focus on the things that matter. Like Greenlee.

And seeing Aidan shirtless.

Play it again, Baby Stealer!

Today's episode is about games. Not fun games like Clue or Uno (not Yahtzee, I freaking HATE Yahtzee) but games with people's hearts. Games they write about in pop songs. Songs by boy bands.

Friday 9/25:
Madison and Randi are on the roof. Randi's got a brick and she's so gonna smack Madison upside her bitchy head . . . but then wait, Gosh, no Brot! Why'd you stop her?! She was going to do it! She was going to take the brick and . . . who am I kidding. She was never going to do it.

Remember how Grandad felled down and saw Stuart and it totes freaked him out? He's kind of done with this whole dance marathon thing (Grandads really shouldn't dance for 8 days straight) so he tells CrazAnnie to dance with Scott. Greeaaaattttt. They Lambada a bit and do the whole "you want me," "no you want me" thing while at the bar Lavery taunts Grandad about how CrazAnnie says Emma shot Stuart. Grandad's at a crossroads. Grandad's got some things to think about. Grandad probably wishes he hadn't committed to this whole Dance A Thon 2009 thing because goodness they've been going at it for a while!

In the bathroom! (ROOF! BATHROOM!) Krystal is looking lovely. I don't know if it's that v neck American Apparel turquoise t-shirt she has on, or her new highlights, but my gosh she looks like lovely! Anyhow, Erica's like, "Tad still hearts you." And Krystal's like, "Yeah, but there's that whole letting Dr. David Baby Stealer stick it to me thing." Later on the roof (ROOF!) Tad pretty much confirms that Dr. Baby Stealer sticking it to his wife was a big bummer.

So Dr. Baby Stealer and Real Preggers are dancing or something, and she tells him about how she was playing him, and then someone has a conversation about something with Funny Doc and frankly I missed all of this because a: Barbados Baby is the cutest baby in the entire world and b: everyone holds Barbados Baby like he's made of Plutonium. This is distracting to me. Don't hold him a foot away from you! Cuddle that wittle bitty witty muffin head close to your heart!

Brot figured out in like 2.5 seconds that Madison killed her husband and this pisses off Daughter Police Chief and she's like, "Yeah, well the police force is harder than the military" and he's like, "The military's harder than the police force" and I'm like, "I can't even do a push up. You both win." YAHTZEE! (I freaking hate Yahtzee. It's so loud.)

See, Funny Doc knows that Dr. David Baby Stealer is playing Real Preggers, and to top it off, Dr. David Baby Stealer told Real Preggers she could spend the night with Funny Doc and Barbados Baby, but I mean, come on, he's Dr. David Baby Stealer. Are you gonna believe him, Real Preggers? Clearly you are. Funny Doc knows what's up. Funny Doc, he's so over this. And he's like, "I'm so over this." And then he's like, "I don't want to spend the night with you. I would prefer to spend the night with this lovely little All My Children enthusiast who lives in NYC . . . " Le sigh.

Lots of talking for a Friday. Next week, I want action, you guys. I think it's time for some drugging or some shooting or some Greenlee!!!

Everyone's a big meanie in Pine Valley

Golly, everyone's got their panties in a bunch in Pine Valley today! But they're still dancin' for the kids!!

Friday 9/18:
It's still Dance A Thon 2009!! You didn't think it was over did you? We've got a lot of kids to save, we're gonna dance like we're dancing to end world poverty!

Junior and Not Babe don't really care about the kids, though. Instead they care more about doing it on the roof. Everyone still thinks Junior's a drunk, too. Have these people ever actually seen anyone drunk? I think the residents of Pine Valley need a refresher course on the difference between "drunk" and "guy who has a life threatening illness."

Evil Mustache Twirling Madison's got her LSD poison water, and she totally slips it to Randi, who starts hallucinating and junk! Whoooooo!! More on that later.

Petey still has to potty. He is so going to get Uromysitisis, poor thing.

Speaking of potties, Funny Doc follows Real Preggers into the loo and they get into a fight, which I totally thought was another act, but apparently not because later Funny Doc calls Real Preggers a slut whore!! Burn. On a side note, isn't Barbados Baby the cutest baby in the entire world? They should put him in a tiny little bear suit. He'd be even cuter if he was dressed like a mini bear. He'd be Barbados Baby Bear. Or B cubed for short.

Okay, enough about that cutey patootie baby, we've got real life soap opera stuff to talk about. Lavery and CrazAnnie hang out on the roof (the only place more popular than the bathroom) and Emma calls and she's all, "Don't worry ma, I won't tell that dumb guy who's my dad the secret about Stuart's murder, LOL!!!" And Lavery's all, "I'm not dumb. I'm just intense. LOL!" Then they go back to the dancing downstairs (let's remember why we're all here, folks) and Lavery's like, "Hey . . . . wait a minute . . . " And I'm telling you people, I went on record MONTHS AGO stating that Emma killed Stuart and I will not back down from that. She killed him and we need to put Emma in jail. Am I right, ya'll?

Meanwhile in the bathroom (the only place more popular than the roof) Randi's busy freaking out because she's on acid and then Blondie walks in and Randi thinks it's like, Madison, and the next think you know poor Blondie is crumpled up on the floor in the stall and Randi (and Madison!) are no where to be found! ZOMG!!!

DANCE A THON 2009!!!!

Who wants to buy a baby?

I'm not sure what it says about me that I kinda feel for Dr. David Baby Stealer these days. I'm going to blame the dark cloud of my swine flu . . . what am I saying? I always root for Dr. David Baby Stealer.

Thursday 9/3:
So there's this baby, his name is Barbados Baby, and everybody wants him. Dr. Baby Stealer, Randi, Real Preggers . . . all of those fools. That's basically the gist of today's episode.

Randi is super sad, which I'm kind of over. Her sadness manifests itself as bitchiness, which I think is uncool. Snap out of it, Randi! Just get a kitty or a gold fish or learn how to crochet! Anything to stop your whining! Police Chief is the only person Randi will talk to, but Brot thinks maybe Mittens should be consoling Randi instead of Police Chief. Brot is always the voice of reason. One of these days, I want him to be all, "Um. Hello? Guys? I was in WAR for goodness sake. Like, for reals war. And I always have such a sunny disposition- you people need to shut it about your babies."

Tad and Fake Preggers visit the not dead D.A. about the options for Funny Doc and Amanda to keep Barbados Baby. Basically, there are none. Dr. David Babystealer wins. He always wins.

Funny Doc decides to add "murder" onto that laundry list of crimes (because faking a baby's death and abandoning him isn't enough) and he SWAT team style kicks in Dr. David Baby Stealer's door and totes holds a gun on him. Well, Amanda, even though she was asleep during the first part of the kicking and the gun stuff, knew he was going to pull the old SWAT team move, shows up at Dr. Baby Stealer's lair, and tells Funny Doc not to shoot anyone and that she'll totes move in with him!

Okay, so who's going to buy me that awesome All My Children issue of ABC Soaps?!!

Today, from my death bed

So last night I had a dream that I was invited to join the national live tour of "All My Children" (oh if there WAS such a thing!) and the only real characters from the show who were there were Mittens and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief. Everybody else was some two bit made up character because I don't think they could afford Lucci or Mathison. All the two bit characters were really mean to me (I wasn't allowed to talk to the real ones) and it made me sad, so I decided to quit and yelled at everyone about how they should be nicer.

Then this morning I woke up with the swine flu, or the plague or, like, a bad cold. Coincidence? Probably.

Wednesday 9/2:
Lavery's taken little The Other One cuz Zach is actin' all crazy and stuff and Lavery would prefer his child only be subjected to his own weirdness. Zach's like "Sure, fine whatever, I'll just keep the broken one" which makes Lavery even ANGRIER and he's for REAL taking and keeping The Other One! Erica Kane has decided to move in with Zach, which is both awesome and not awesome. It would be more awesome if Kendall could stay in her darn secret room because Erica is SO going to find out about this whole Robot Kendall in jail instead thing!

Junior still has the cancer, so he's getting chemo and it makes him think about how much he loves Not Babe and stuff. Tad was there and surprisingly un-annoying while Junior got his treatments. Way to go, Tad. Maybe I don't hate you.

So Funny Doc is in jail because I think it's illegal to fake a baby's death and then abandon it in an alley with the hopes of pretend finding it and stuff. I'm no lawyer, though. You know who is, or at least almost a lawyer- Not Babe! Over at The House of Ill Formed Plans (a.k.a. The Martin residence) the gang convinces Not Babe to move in with Dr. David Baby Stealer so she can spy on him. That is sooo going to mess with Junior's game.

Kendall's in The Secret Room, for once, and that story she's writing is so boring that it puts even her to sleep! Luckily, she envisions the night of Stuart's murder (one more time, ya'll!) and, zoinks, she realizes she didn't actually shoot him!

Dr. David Baby Stealer just hates dealing with all these "lawyers" and "custody battles" and such, so he think that Amanda should just move in with him so they can take care of the baby together. Oh, and he'll drop all the charges. Amanda's so easily bought (remember how she got knocked up in the first place?), I'm pretty sure she's going to take him up on the offer.

Fake Preggers gets 5 phone calls in a row and the person doesn't leave a message. GREENLEE!!! Please?!!!??!?!?

PS- Dude, Fake Pregger's baby was born around the same time as Barbados Baby, right? Why is BB so much bigger than Fake Preg's baby? Barbados Baby is practically like one of those giant Maury Povich babies!!!

I don't care what you say, Emma killed Stuart.

From yesterday: so, Baby Stealer's not stealin' babies no more, cuz' the DNA from Fake Preggers' baby ain't his. Madison totes has it out for Randi (watch out, Randi, she's wicked with a knick knack), and Emma "claims" she saw Kendall shoot Stuart, when she really means, "I shot Stuart, because I'm evil."

Okay, onto today!
Thursday 7/16:
Turns out Funny Doc ain't just funny, he's also smart and totes knew Baby Stealer would interfere with the baby swap. He somehow found another baby and Barbados Baby is for reals with a family on Little House on the Prairie.

CrazAnnie is totally slutting it up for Grandad these days, because she lurves him. Tell me why you didn't do that for your super hot bf with the sexy accent? Huh? New D.A. visits Chateau Grandad to get some lawtastic evidence against Kendall, but all he finds is a loving couple and 2 Chandler spawn who are super grossed out at the whole situation. Me too, boys. Me too.

Erica Kane is so not down with Fake Preggers representin' Kendall, because she's just going to throw the case and she wants to bang Zach. And how is this different from you wanting to bang Lavery, Erica Kane? Fake Preggers is too busy doing lawyer junk to worry about Zach though. She's busy calling child therahypnologists who don't seem to understand patient-doctor confidentiality and go blabbin' 'bout how the (Now Dead) D.A. wanted to know if childrens of crazy parents will also be crazy. Answer = maybe.

Emma's busy telling everyone that Kendall killed Stuart, and Funny Doc takes Amanda to the Little House on the Prairie to stalk Barbados Baby. And Barbados Baby's new mommy is hella old, yo. Like, for reals.

This week (which I'm assuming means tomorrow?)- someone confesses to Stuart's murder!!!

Gosh, just steal that baby already!!

Happy Bastille Day, y'all!!

Tuesday 7/14:
Goodness gracious, finally looks like people are coming to their senses in Pine Valley!

Police Chief has a big old press conference, where he lies through his teeth, while Baby Stealer goes to a private lab to get that Barbados Baby vomit DNA tested. Turns out Tad has figured all this out . . . cuz he's a detective. Oh, right, did ANY of us remember that guy had a job before he was shot in the head and his occupation became community comedian?

Fake Preggers (aka Liza ass off! OH! Get it? Lies her . . . nevermind) visits Kendall to, I dunno, help her with the whole "Kendall Being on Trial" thingy and makes her cry and Zach gets mad. Golly!! Zach is such a grumpy Gus these days!

PARTY AT THE POLICE STATION! Police Chief and Madison and Zach (I think he was there, he's in pretty much every scene these days) all talk about her rapist husband and how she's got security tapes but she destroyed them and some whore actually killed him (but not really) and can she please have her life insurance settlement now?

PARTY IN FAKE PREGGERS ROOM!! Colby can't get that stupid baby to shut the heck up (Whatever you do, do not shake Barbados Baby, Colby. If I've learned one thing from NYC subway ads, it's to never shake a baby. Also, Dr. Zizmor can clear your skin up.) Not Babe shows up to work her creepy "magic" on the baby (the Baby Stealer's apple doesn't fall far from the Baby Stealer's tree, know what I mean?), and then Amanda shows up and wants to hold the thing and dammit, Colby, you're an idiot. If Fake Preggers thinks Baby Stealer is going to come steal the baby, and told you not to let him into the house, don't you think the same thing might apply to the mother of his child? Yeesh.

Baby Stealer's all sorts of pissed off 'bout the DNA tests being late at the hospital, bumps into Brot and acts like a jerk. So Brot quits. I would too, man, that guy's mean. Oh and yes, we care again about Blondie and Brot, 'cept she's having "meetings" with Thaddeus, which makes me actually care less about her.

Mrs. Dr. Police Chief is super suspicious of the way Police Chief is actin', Amanda suspects Fake Pregger's baby might be her own stupid baby, Kendall loves Zach so they make out and the DNA results are in! YAY!

OH BABY!!!

What a bunch of babies!! No, seriously. There's a bunch of babies talked about in this episode.

Thursday 7/9
Amanda is feeling super down about her baby, so Funny Doc takes her to some sort of hypno psycho therapologist to make it all better. You know the baby she's sad about- the one who lives in her house and she DOESN'T RECOGNIZE!

At the only restaurant in town, Baby Stealer and Krystal and Erica and Jackson are all in love with and/or annoyed with each other. Or something. I dunno, it doesn't matter. Fake Preggers walks in with one of those $5,000 baby holders with wheels and is all, "Hey, Erica, step off. Crazy Annie may be crazy but she ain't no killer. Well, she kinda is, but she didn't kill Stuart. So STEP OFF I say." Barbados Baby starts to cry fever tears, and Baby Stealer knows that baby is sick, man, and not in like a "90s slang way," but in like a "he should be checked out by a guy with medical schooling" kind of way. Fake Preggers, for sure, doesn't want Baby Stealer looking at her baby, cuz he's way smarter than Amanda, so she takes him to the hospital instead. Maybe this is why you don't have your own damn baby, Liza. Your parenting skills are lacking.

Police Chief and Randi are both all torn up about the murder cover up for the murder they didn't commit and Randi is pregnant!! Wait,what . . . yay? Maybe she can give her baby to Amanda- she won't know the difference anyhow, and perhaps it'll cheer her the f up. Or maybe Randi just made that up because fake pregnancies cure everything. (My vote.)

Meanwhile, Zach (a.k.a. Greased Lightning) has been able to yell at Lavery, go to the casino, go to D.C., yell at Randi and go back to D.C. all in the span of an hour. And boy are his arms tired.

Down at the hospital, turns out Liza's baby isn't dying or anything, but it's pretty weird how she won't let anyone look at him 'cept Funny Doc. Hayward's like, "You know, everyone thinks I like to steal babies, but you, Funny Doc, you're always all up in babies' faces. What gives?" OH SNAP!!

Lavery and Erica totes want to do it with each other (and by "do it" I mean "sell Pilates equipment"), and turns out lighting a lawyer on fire, throwing him in his rental car and pushing said car into a lake isn't the best way to cover up a murder you didn't commit. Thanks for the tip, All My Children.

Are you my mommy?

I seriously need to work on my VCR skills. Maybe my first problem is that I still use a VCR.

Tuesday 6/30:
Now THIS is what I'm talking about! Yes, our friends at All My Children may have taken a few cues from "The Simpsons" but finally, SOMETHING!

Tad remembers some details from the night of Pastely Twin's murder (also the night he himself was shot in the head and became the most annoying person on the planet) . . . something involving that little Emma, yeah whatever, CrazAnnie too, but EMMA! I knew she wasn't to be trusted! She has a look of a cold blooded killer, I tell you!

Scott (apparently back from vacay/contract negotiations) has come up with one of these new-fangled "mission statements" for Chandmerica Industries. It goes like this: "Let's not be greedy." Kind of not a mission statement. Grandad and Junior go all "Wall Street" on his ass and are like, "Um, we actually really love money, we'd like to just make more of it. Hey, THAT should be our mission statement." Scott disagrees and takes his mission statement with him, but Junior convinces him to come back to Chandmerica Enterprise Corporation and Company, LLC.

Mrs. DA's back gamblin'! She just doesn't know when to hold 'em or fold 'em. She's also kind of bitch.

Barbados Baby won't stop crying. Probably because The Artist Formally Known As Fake Preggers ISN'T HIS REAL MOTHER! But then when his real mother holds him SHE DOESN'T REALIZE SHE IS HIS REAL MOTHER! Is there a gas leak in Pine Valley?

Pervy the D.A. shoots holes in Tad and Lavery's "Annie did it" theory with the old "Was her hair straight or curly? I said STRAIGHT OR CURLY?" act. Gets 'em every time.

Colby and The Artist Formally Known As Fake Preggers officially reconcile (this will be until Colby realizes her mother is still a dirty liar), Zach is pissed Tad and Lavery didn't follow his very specific instructions to not talk to the D.A., and that little Emma totes killed Stuart! Please, please, please put her on trial!

Operation Fake Birth, GO!

My apologies, I was incredibly busy with work yesterday, so there will be no Thursday recap. From today's opening, however, this is what I can gather: Fake baby funeral, Annie still crazy, Lavery creepy, Colby's all, "You're not the boss of me," Brot and Blondie on the rocks.

Moving on . . .

Friday 6/26:
Fake Preggers finds the perfect moment to go into Fake Labor- the Fake Baby Funeral! Brilliant! Baby Stealer Hayward's sad, wants to bury Not Dead Baby's "ashes" next to the beloved Babe. Amanda's all, "Yeah, sure, cool!" I was really hoping the scene would then go something like this:
Hayward: "Let's bury the ashes . . . hey, wait a minute . . . is this, Taster's Choice?"

Didn't happen though.

CrazAnnie meets with her therapist, Aiden shows up, wants her to escape, and meanwhile Lavery, creepy as ever, peers through the window. I still have yet to figure out exactly what's going on here. Aiden's not too bad to look at, though, so I won't complain. I'm sure whatever the story line is, it is much less interesting than Aiden's bulging biceps.

Brot and Blondie have a heart to heart (at the only bar in town) which consisted of, "I asked you to marry me because I thought you wanted me to." "But I wanted you to want to ask me to marry you!" "But you should want to marry me whether or not you just wanted me to marry you!" Just break up already . . . wait . . . they do. Did they?

Fake Preggers is in Fake Labor at Tad's house and man, people just won't leave her alone! She's trying to have a Fake Baby here folks, give the woman some space! She's stoked to have Colby there with her though, during this Fake Labor. Nothing proves your love to the child you kinda sorta abandoned by tricking her into thinking you're giving birth in a basement.

Oooooh, I see, they're TESTING CrazAnnie! It's all a test. A big test!

So Tad's got the baby. Who's what, 3 weeks old? Sure, we'll get that switcheroo past everyone.

Amanda walks in on the old fake birth. Awwwwwwkward. Tad and Not Dead Baby get pulled over. Annie totes killed Stuart. Remember Stuart? Everyone loved him. He liked to wear pastels.

Kind of an anti-climatic ending for a Friday, don't you think "All My Children?" Please let this be the lull before Greenlee's triumphant return!!