Cut a b**ch!

Okay, first thing first. I know Aidan (played by Aiden) wasn't in today's episode, but the news broke that he's gone in November. My heart is heavy with sadness. Not since Leo's unfortunate demise have I been so upset about a hot, tall, hot hunk of man being booted from my fave soap! (Yeah, I guess Leo wasn't "booted" since he went and got that "Vegas" show, which was actually quite good, but then he married Fergie and I just can't respect a man who marries a lady who pees herself.)

Thursday 9/24:
So I guess while I was gone they convinced Dr. David Baby Stealer to take over Tad's hosting Dance A Thon 2009 so Funny Doc could go and steal Barbados Baby?

Daughter Police Chief confronts Madison in the bathroom and breaks a mirror and acts all dramatic and kinda scares Madison, but not really because she's cold as ice and also insane.

Zach kisses Fake Preggers but then Zach's like, "Yeah, I don't really want a girlfriend right now." And she's like, "Your wife's in jail" (but see, she really isn't!!) and Zach like, "Shoulder shrug."

Lavery and CrazAnnie are up on the roof and Lavery's all actin' like he cares a bunch about CrazAnnie and she wants him to protect her and he's like, "Yeah, I'll protect you . . . why'd you kill Stuart? Oops." Actually, he didn't say that, but it was pretty apparent he was playing her. Come on, Lavery. This is Mother. Truckin. Craz. Annie. She ain't fooled that easy. Not like that simpleton Real Preggers.

Real Preggers! So Real Preggers is with Funny Doc, who's about to run away with Barbados Baby, and she's like "Don't go," and he's like, "Clearly I want to steal this baby more than you!" And then Dr. David Baby Stealer's Rachel Dratch look alike nanny comes back, sees all this and gets Doc Baby Stealer. He's like, "DUDE! That's my baby!" And Funny Doc's like, "Naw, dude. This is my baby." And Dr. David Baby Stealer's like, "Just now, when I saw you clutching Barbados Baby by his head, and you wanted to steal him, you reminded me of me. And how I like to steal babies a lot. You know what? You can come over and see your kid at my house where your wife lives (and where I'm going to eventually bed her again, and make another baby.)"

Down in the bathroom (Roof! Bathroom! Roof! Bathroom!) Madison makes it look Daughter Police Chief cut a bitch's face and she's wants to press charges. See, Police Chief doesn't buy that and he tries to squeeze her so hard her head pops off, but Mittens comes down and saves her. Mittens fixes up her face (where'd he get those bandages and gauze?) and Madison loves Mittens, but sorry, Mittens already has a wife that he's not going to divorce just because Madison wants him to.

Lavery and Erica talk all about he was "so close" to getting a confession from CrazAnnie and he wants her to admit to killing Stuart real bad. Newsflash, Lavery. You weren't that close. You were barely close. Zach walks in and he wants Lavery to stay out of it, and Lavery wants him to stay out of it, and we're not going to get anywhere with this are we? Oy.

Back on the dance floor Grandad is exhausted. Know how I know? His hair's all tousled. Oh, and he falls down. Then Stuart comes to him in a vision, collar askew, and asks "If someone shot him too?" Oh, Stuart.

Back on the roof, Madison's hanging out, scheming her schemes and dreaming her dreams and Randi walks up and Madison's like, "What you wanna kill me?" and hands her a brick and tells her to "Hit me with your best shot." Madison, love is a battlefield. Why are you such a heartbreaker? Is it because hell is for children?

See what I did there?