I got your ringtone right here.

Seriously, Emergency Broadcast System? You choose a critical moment during All My Children to run a test?!! What are you trying to do to me?

Wednesday 11/4:
Grandad is totally bummed that he killed his bro. So bummed that he's totes going to confess. CrazAnnie and Scott (because they're selfish) are like, "Naw dude you can't do that!" and Grandad has one of his heart spells and ends up in the hospital. Now you've done it, CrazAnnie and Scott. I mean, I guess you tried to help him by calling out Dr. David Baby Stealer for all of the drugging, but I feel like ya'lls are more of a problem than a solution. But that's just me.

Kendall can't stop screwing everything up, so she calls Zach . . . who's in jail . . . on a cell phone . . . and kinda talks about everything that's going on. Then there's a gun shot and she hangs up and Zach freaks out and calls Fake Preggers to bail him out.

Secret Aidan Man was only shooting snakes (hence the gun shot) but he's super t.o.'d that Kendall was a huge dummy and called Zach (The Feds, Kendall! The Feds!) So Secret Aidan Man does what I want to do every time my phone rings- he stomps on it.

Grandad's in hospital, and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief runs a test on Grandad's drugs and whatdoyouknow, they're totes not heart meds and instead they're loopy drugs. She tells Dr. David Baby Stealer that she's onto him, and he's like, "Yeah, well, your hubby's in on it too." And she's like, "Okay, fine, I won't turn you in. But you have to do one thing. You have to BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP" And a mother truckin' test of the Emergency Broadcast System mother truckin' covers up what she says. Apparently, I can read lips though, because I'm pretty sure she tells him to step down as Chief of Staff. Go me.

Remember how Real Preggers and Funny Doc aren't allowed to do "it?" Remember? Remember? They really really want you to know this. Since they can't do "it," they hang out on the floor and pretend to do "it" by saying sexy things to each other and they succeed in making me very, very uncomfortable.

Down at hospital Grandad really wants to confess (and Laves and Erica Kane want him to confess too) but CrazAnnie really doesn't want him to confess and she's like, "You can't go to jail because . . . I'm pregnant! LOL!" Fantastic, CrazAnnie. Now YOU'RE fake preggers. Which means I can't call Liza Fake Preggers! There really can only be one fake preggers. Henceforth, I shall call Liza . . . Liza A$$ Off. Yeah!

Oh and Zach goes to the country church and then The Feds show up but Secret Aidan Man and dummy Kendall escape and yadda yadda yadda. Sorry, I was all wrapped up in fake pregnancies.

Speaking of fake fake pregnancies, congratulations to Alicia Minshew on the (for reals) birth of her baby girl!!!!