Love is in the air

Love is in the air in Pine Valley! Old people, young people, new people . . . . old people? Basically everyone just wants to do it!

Tuesday 8/11:
So “Kendall” doesn’t want any visitors in jail! Not even her mother! The nerve! Actually the “Kendall” in jail, isn’t Kendall. Instead, last week at the courthouse Police Chief ethered the realsies Kendall and they threw a fakesies “Kendall” in there and took Kendall to the Ikea closet in Zach’s basement. Basically there’s a Robot Kendall in jail and she’ll eventually turn on all of us and destroy Pine Valley. You can’t trust a robot, especially not a Robot Kendall. It’s like a double robot or something.

Emma calls up CrazAnnie, and Lavery’s like “God, how many phones do you have?!” and it seems like Emma maybe lied about the seeing Kendall thing. Yawn. So Police Chief and Lavery and CrazAnnie’s Hypontherapsychocotor all come over to the steamy and sweaty Chandl-ansion (courtesy of broken A/C) to rub oil all over CrazAnnie’s already glistening and sumptuous body and boy is it hot in here?

Erica can’t believe Robot Kendall won’t talk to her, so she finds solace in a little nighttime phone call to Lavery. Turns out they both like some crappy movie with music in it that sound like the theme song to “Moonlighting” but in Spanish.

Scott’s kiss in the hospital with Not Babe went Not Well, and he went into the old “I’m a nice guy, girls don’t like me, poor me thing” (Needy isn’t attractive, Scott) so he goes to the bar where Dr. Baby Stealer gives him some advice that is basically, “Be a d**k.” Thanks, Dr. Baby Stealer, lets perpetuate that idea that ladies like guys who screw them over. Oh but wait, Scott takes it’s one step further and gets all nakey at Grandad’s crib, right in front of CrazAnnie and the guy is super duper cut, and then he takes off his pants and SERIOUSLY IS JUST ME OR IS IT REALLY HOT IN HERE!?

Grandad’s memory is jogged by some poppin’ Champagne and Fake Preggers loves Zach. Really, guys, it’s hot in here.

Viva Viagr . . . gross!!

Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley made a really great point today. No one can seem to refer to Heart Valve and The Other One as anything except "The Boys." Can we switch it up? Zach's all "The Boys" and Erica's all "The Boys" . . . can we call them "The Kids" or perhaps, "Kendall's Sons?" Or even "Heart Valve and The Other One?" Eh, ABC? Eh?

Monday 8/10:
So Zach’s not lettin’ anybody near “The Boys.” Not Erica, not nobody! He’s also the most unnatural looking father ever. We’ll see how long this little “I’m the only one allowed to care for my boys” thing goes. The second one of those kids pukes, he’ll be outta there.

Grandad has gone to the hospital to get . . . ahem . . . a little nudge in his private parts. Okay, I’ll just say it- he wants wiener pills. He wants pills so he can do it all night long with CrazAnnie. Barf. But see, Grandad doesn’t get to tell his medical physician, Dr. Joe Not So Smart, about the Johnson meds before Dr. Not Smart goes to take care of someone having a seizure (more important than wieners) and instead gives Grandad’s chart to Dr. David Baby Stealer and well, whatever, he eventually gets the pills for his ding dong. Again, barf.

Back at the Love Shack, CrazAnnie’s bangs look like crap. They thought they could distract us by putting her in a bikini, but it didn’t work, kids. CrazAnnie tells her roomie, Scott, to go to Not Babe (who as you remember was shot through the heart, and Marian is to blame) ‘cuz he lurves her and they should be together, but then Grandad walks in, and whatever, it’s not important, CrazAnnie’s bangs look like crap. As a lady with bangs, I know you must care for them delicately, you must show them the respect they deserve. Something must be done about this, ABC. I will not allow these stringy things to be shown on my lovely CrazAnnie’s countenance.

Dr. David Baby Stealer totes doesn’t want Junior hanging out with Not Babe, which is super convenient, since Scott luuuuurrrrrvvvvveeessss her. Lavery wants his kid back from Zach, but his kid’s sleeping and clearly not available. Emma has an arsenal of cell phones and I don’t think she for reals saw Kendall shoot anybody, and Kendall hallucinates Zach visiting her in the slammer (that looks a lot like an Ikea closet) and then Babe is like “Um, hellooooo, I’m the only person who gets to be hallucinated! I mean, except, Stuart.”

This week: Dr. Mrs. Police Chief gets a wig!!

All you need to know is . . .

KENDALL GOT LIFE!! NOT BABE GOT SHOT!! BY STUART'S WIDOW!! Oh the irony, right?

Have a good weekend. Don't not not shoot anybody.

J.R.'s collapse was a non-event and I'm pissed

My intention was to get caught up, but sadly, that did not happen. I’m sure it won’t be too hard to figure out what’s goin’ on though.

Also, THAT WAS J.R.’S COLLAPSE? ABC touted it as some huge event! I feel so betrayed. I wanted hospitalization and tubes in his nose and a colostomy bag! All I got was some crying on Not Babe, and I’m Not Happy.

Wednesday 8/5:
So Randi keeps having these annoying dreams about that baby she didn’t have, and it totes sucks. Looks like guilt isn’t great for sleep.

Kendall REALLY wants to confess about that Stuart murder so she does loudly and repeatedly, much to Zach’s chagrin. Zach does convince Fake Preggers to stay on Kendall’s case, however, and I’m pretty sure he did this by sleeping with her. Yeah, whatever, there's no evidence of that but we all know that's how Zach does all of his "negotiating."

Police Chief’s daughter is super suspicious about Police Chief and why he’s so darn obsessed with helping Kendall Slater. It’s like he’s protecting someone . . . someone close to him. And then Mittens is all, “Well, it’s not like somebody in our family killed someone and then covered it up or anything! LOLZ!” Randi’s like, “Um, I’ll be right back.”

Oh and Junior’s really not happy with that whole CrazAnnie/Grandad thing. Really.

Moving on.

Grandad's Gettin' Married!

What's with the shoddy police work in Pine Valley? Why do all of the cops just walk away from the people they're supposed to have in custody? No wonder Police Chief is always so exasperated!

Tuesday 8/4:
Remember how Kendall didn’t want to run away? Well, she did it anyway, because Zach told her to. I wish he’d stop bossing her around, because his plans are always AWFUL! Kendall tries to sail away with one of her sailing sailor friends with a boat . . . and she gets caught. Note to self: heels are never a good choice when you’re fleeing the country.

Tad shows up at Confusion to hit on Blondie in public and make her uncomfortable in front of his ex, and naturally, he spills the beans (kinda) 'bout that baby back home. Dr. David Baby Stealer overhears or something, because he spends all his non-baby stealing time at courthouses and bars. I’d like to state for the record I really like “Casual” Dr. David Baby Stealer, rather than “Business” Dr. David Baby Stealer. He looks so lovely in his leather jackets.

Yadda yadda Grandad wants Scott and CrazAnnie to all be roommates but Annie has to pretend she’s gay because otherwise The Ropers will kick them out. J.R. is super duper bummed about this whole CrazAnnie not being in jail thing, because not only is she not in jail, she’s not not doin' it with his father! Oh, oh, oh and then Grandad (who I have now dubbed "Captain Fire Hazard." Yeesh, ‘nuff candles, Grandad?) proposes to CrazAnnie. Meanwhile, J.R. totes bought a bottle of brown liquor (his fave!) but then smashed it (that’s what I call “alcohol abuse”) and has some sort of fainting/heart attack/vapors spell. Really it’s just that a teeny part of his soul is dying because his father is going to marry a psychotic lady who’s 80 years his junior. It's a reverse "Back to the Future" kinda thing.

Kendall’s thrown in the slammer (officially) and she confesses for the hundredth time. How many times is this woman going to confess? Did the first 99 not take?

So tomorrow, J.R. collapses and this week somebody gets shot and I bet Kendall confesses again.

Kendall has friends with yachts

Andddd we’re back! Fake Preggers is looking a little less orangey today. Nice!

Monday 8/3:
So looks like Funny Doc and Amanda have devised a plan to make Dr. David Baby Stealer think they can’t have kids. And then they’ll adopt. They’ll adopt their own baby! It’s a seamless plan.

And while we’re on the subject, babies are HILARIOUS! You ever notice how funny it is when someone who’s never been around a baby, is around a baby? No? Well just look at Blondie, there, she forgot to burp Barbados Baby! Hahahahahahah . . .ha . . . h . . . okay. Lucky for her, Amanda stops by (she decided to not break in this time) giving Blondie an opportunity to drink her sorrows away at Confusion!

Guess who else is drinking her sorrows away! Nope, not Fake Preggers- she’s in court cuz Kendall’s on trial today. Nope, not Kendall- she’s on trial today. Yup, that’s right- Krystal! Yay! Krystal joins Blondie for some cheese fries, and she does that really creepy thing where she talks about her ex to her ex’s new gf and stuff and how he wears socks to bed and how he’s really great in bed . . . no, wait, don’t think she said that. It was still creepy though. Anyhow, Blondie’s very polite and all, and I’m sure the entire time she was thinking about how she wished she’d just stayed home with that loud, burpy baby, the annoying guy and the lady who likes to break into her house.

Down at ye olde courte house there’s all sort of hubbub and Zach punches Aiden (how DARE you jeopardize his face like that, Slater!) and Kendall has to pee (with handcuffs on! LOL!) and Lavery shows up at the bathroom window and steals Kendall so they can “leave the country.” I love the old “leave the country” plan. Down in the basement (where they’re working on “leaving the country," which should be easy, cuz Kendall's got friends with boats and planes), Funny Doc shows up with Heart Valve and the Other One, and Lavery’s all, “Take your kids and leave the country, Kendall!” Then there’s a montage and Kendall gets sad and doesn’t want to leave for some reason or another, and upstairs Fake Preggers throws a lawyer temper tantrum and smacks Baby Stealer in the head. She totes wasn’t expecting him to be there, seems she forgot that the only thing Dr. David Baby Stealer loves more than stealing babies, is court rooms!

This week: someone gets shot! Hooray!

Do they sell that at the Baby Gap?

I'm catching up on 2 days worth of AMC and my brain hurts (for completely unrelated reasons), so sadly, I don't have much to offer in terms of a recap. Monday, I promise!!

I do want to discuss one thing- did anyone see little Barbados Baby's shirt on Thursday? Did it say "I'd rather be dead?" Doesn't that seem inappropriate for a baby to wear? I mean, he probably feels that way, but it seems distasteful, putting a phrase like that on a teeny tiny baby shirt. I bet it was Liza's suggestion. She's such a good parent.