Sorry for slacking on Friday's episode, kids! Things are a little busy this week in Pine Valley Paraphrasin' land, but I will for certain do my best to keep you updated.
As far as I can figure, on Friday we learned some very important lessons. Hayward (though a baby stealer) is the smartest person in Pine Valley, it's exhausting to cover up the fact that you essentially sold your wife's baby to someone in the same damn town and it's equally exhausting to cover up the murder of a rapey District Attorney. All things I will keep in mind in the future.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
OH BABY!!!
What a bunch of babies!! No, seriously. There's a bunch of babies talked about in this episode.
Thursday 7/9
Amanda is feeling super down about her baby, so Funny Doc takes her to some sort of hypno psycho therapologist to make it all better. You know the baby she's sad about- the one who lives in her house and she DOESN'T RECOGNIZE!
At the only restaurant in town, Baby Stealer and Krystal and Erica and Jackson are all in love with and/or annoyed with each other. Or something. I dunno, it doesn't matter. Fake Preggers walks in with one of those $5,000 baby holders with wheels and is all, "Hey, Erica, step off. Crazy Annie may be crazy but she ain't no killer. Well, she kinda is, but she didn't kill Stuart. So STEP OFF I say." Barbados Baby starts to cry fever tears, and Baby Stealer knows that baby is sick, man, and not in like a "90s slang way," but in like a "he should be checked out by a guy with medical schooling" kind of way. Fake Preggers, for sure, doesn't want Baby Stealer looking at her baby, cuz he's way smarter than Amanda, so she takes him to the hospital instead. Maybe this is why you don't have your own damn baby, Liza. Your parenting skills are lacking.
Police Chief and Randi are both all torn up about the murder cover up for the murder they didn't commit and Randi is pregnant!! Wait,what . . . yay? Maybe she can give her baby to Amanda- she won't know the difference anyhow, and perhaps it'll cheer her the f up. Or maybe Randi just made that up because fake pregnancies cure everything. (My vote.)
Meanwhile, Zach (a.k.a. Greased Lightning) has been able to yell at Lavery, go to the casino, go to D.C., yell at Randi and go back to D.C. all in the span of an hour. And boy are his arms tired.
Down at the hospital, turns out Liza's baby isn't dying or anything, but it's pretty weird how she won't let anyone look at him 'cept Funny Doc. Hayward's like, "You know, everyone thinks I like to steal babies, but you, Funny Doc, you're always all up in babies' faces. What gives?" OH SNAP!!
Lavery and Erica totes want to do it with each other (and by "do it" I mean "sell Pilates equipment"), and turns out lighting a lawyer on fire, throwing him in his rental car and pushing said car into a lake isn't the best way to cover up a murder you didn't commit. Thanks for the tip, All My Children.
Thursday 7/9
Amanda is feeling super down about her baby, so Funny Doc takes her to some sort of hypno psycho therapologist to make it all better. You know the baby she's sad about- the one who lives in her house and she DOESN'T RECOGNIZE!
At the only restaurant in town, Baby Stealer and Krystal and Erica and Jackson are all in love with and/or annoyed with each other. Or something. I dunno, it doesn't matter. Fake Preggers walks in with one of those $5,000 baby holders with wheels and is all, "Hey, Erica, step off. Crazy Annie may be crazy but she ain't no killer. Well, she kinda is, but she didn't kill Stuart. So STEP OFF I say." Barbados Baby starts to cry fever tears, and Baby Stealer knows that baby is sick, man, and not in like a "90s slang way," but in like a "he should be checked out by a guy with medical schooling" kind of way. Fake Preggers, for sure, doesn't want Baby Stealer looking at her baby, cuz he's way smarter than Amanda, so she takes him to the hospital instead. Maybe this is why you don't have your own damn baby, Liza. Your parenting skills are lacking.
Police Chief and Randi are both all torn up about the murder cover up for the murder they didn't commit and Randi is pregnant!! Wait,what . . . yay? Maybe she can give her baby to Amanda- she won't know the difference anyhow, and perhaps it'll cheer her the f up. Or maybe Randi just made that up because fake pregnancies cure everything. (My vote.)
Meanwhile, Zach (a.k.a. Greased Lightning) has been able to yell at Lavery, go to the casino, go to D.C., yell at Randi and go back to D.C. all in the span of an hour. And boy are his arms tired.
Down at the hospital, turns out Liza's baby isn't dying or anything, but it's pretty weird how she won't let anyone look at him 'cept Funny Doc. Hayward's like, "You know, everyone thinks I like to steal babies, but you, Funny Doc, you're always all up in babies' faces. What gives?" OH SNAP!!
Lavery and Erica totes want to do it with each other (and by "do it" I mean "sell Pilates equipment"), and turns out lighting a lawyer on fire, throwing him in his rental car and pushing said car into a lake isn't the best way to cover up a murder you didn't commit. Thanks for the tip, All My Children.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Cover ups and casinos
Annnnnd we're back!
Mrs. Now-Dead D.A. shows back up at the casino, exhausted from killing her husband. Takes a lot out of a girl. You know what helps get my energy back- GAMBLING! Step to it, Madison!
In other gambling news, Not Babe goes to Chandmerica to confess to Junior that’s she’s hot to trot for him, but wait- it’s not Junior sittin’ there, it’s Scott the Heart Valve Inventor! How embarrassing. He sees this as a perfect opportunity to go play some slots. What happened to that mission statement, Scott? Remember how we’re not supposed to be greedy anymore?
Over at da Mansion, Grandad suddenly remembers that . . . wait a minute . . . he saw Annie with the gun, and A-HA! She musta killed Stuart! Nope, no, sorry. He was just testing her. Testing Annie is a popular pastime on AMC.
Mrs. Mittens and Police Chief are freaking out because they think she killed the D.A. Forensics science will disprove this, right? Maybe the 2 sets of finger prints on the eagle knick knack? Eh? Oh right, science doesn’t exist in Pine Valley.
Grandad’s had enough of Kendall and Lavery (me too, Grandad) and he has them “arrested.” And what do you know, Attorney Greenlee’s Daddy comes to the rescue. He always does! Out of the 2 lawyers in Pine Valley, he’s my fav. He’s also totally ticked off the Dynamic Duo insisted on actin’ like jerks and meddling in other people’s bidness. You tell ‘em, Jackson!
Anyhoo, Police Chief is so not happy that Mrs. Mittens told Zach about the whole “D.A. was obsessed with her thing,” he’s also not too thrilled that she decided to take matters in her own hands and now there’s a dead lawyer on the ground. It makes it so much more complicated. Yeesh. Why won’t anyone ever listen to the Police Chief?
CrazAnnie is really really bummed that no one will believe she didn’t kill Stuart, so she decides to put Secret Aiden Man’s ankle bracelet jamming device to work. WAIT! WHAT? Nooooooooo, Annie! You failed the test! Ugh. I have nothing else to say about that. I’m done rooting for you- we mustn’t let Kendall and Lavery think they’re smart. We mustn't.
Wait, wait, false alarm. Annie’s still in her room. Phew.
Junior shows up at the casino (where apparently, he thought his child was), and totally c**k blocks Scott. Yeah, suck it, you charitable pansy! Junior apologies to Not Babe for her not being Babe.
Police Chief and Mrs. Mittens think the best solution to a murder you didn’t commit is to cover it up, Grandad and CrazAnnie kiss and I throw up a little in my mouth.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
AMC goes silent for MJ
No recaps today, on account of the Michael Jackson memorial. I'm okay with this though, he was pretty darn famous and influential. P.Y.T. is my jam!
I also feel like I'll be able to pick up where we left off on Monday. Annie's crazy, D.A.'s still dead, Lavery's pissed off about something. Bring it on.
I also feel like I'll be able to pick up where we left off on Monday. Annie's crazy, D.A.'s still dead, Lavery's pissed off about something. Bring it on.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Death by knick knack
Someone gets killed! And it's not Adam . . . again.
Monday 7/6
Hey, guess what? Erica Kane was NOT choked to death by CrazAnnie. BUT Grandad almost had her arrested. Well, almost doesn't count, Grandad.
Down at ye olde casino, Zach encourages Mrs. D.A. to "speak her mind . . . " and boy does she! More on that later.
Now to the important stuff: so Mrs. Mittens visits Patrick Batemen, D.A. in his fancy schmancy District of Columbia hotel room. He's totes bummed because she won't do it (I mean, "it" it!) with him. He gets all forceful and junk (didn't see that one coming), so she bonks him on the head with an American eagle sculpture (because it's D.C.) and he's out cold. She leaves to call Mittens (who is totally capable of answering a cell phone these days, might I add, so I don't want to hear another complaint from him about his surgeon hands), and then Mrs. D.A. shows up, quotes my new catch phrase*, and bonks the D.A. even harder on the head!! There's blood and junk!! I think I'm going to miss his snappy fashion sense the most.
In a terribly unfortunate turn of events, Mrs. Mittens comes back to Hank's room to get keys or her wallet or her velvet scrunchie, and what do you know, Police Chief shows up, intending to tell the D.A. he's quittin'. So now he's there and it looks like his daughter-in-law killed somebody! Police Chief can't catch a damn break!
Mrs. D.A. aparently owns a jet pack or something, probably government issued, because she was able to go to D.C. from Pine Valley, kill her husband, then show up back at the casino to gamble away more money? You lost me, there, AMC, but whatever.
Kendall visits Ryan, and "needs" him, but doesn't want Zach to know this. Turns out Erica Kane "needs" him too, on account of that crazy beyotch livin' with Grandad. Kendall jumps off the balcony or something (I bet she borrowed Mrs. D.A.'s jet pack) and shows up at Grandad's house! That woman can do a lot in heels.
This week, Grandad remembers who shot Stuart and finally, FINALLY, Amanda figures out Barbardos Baby (who's got his drivers license by now) is HER baby!
*"You make it very hard for me to love you, Madison." Except, she says Henry or Hank or Rapist District Attorney. See, it's catching on!!
Monday 7/6
Hey, guess what? Erica Kane was NOT choked to death by CrazAnnie. BUT Grandad almost had her arrested. Well, almost doesn't count, Grandad.
Down at ye olde casino, Zach encourages Mrs. D.A. to "speak her mind . . . " and boy does she! More on that later.
Now to the important stuff: so Mrs. Mittens visits Patrick Batemen, D.A. in his fancy schmancy District of Columbia hotel room. He's totes bummed because she won't do it (I mean, "it" it!) with him. He gets all forceful and junk (didn't see that one coming), so she bonks him on the head with an American eagle sculpture (because it's D.C.) and he's out cold. She leaves to call Mittens (who is totally capable of answering a cell phone these days, might I add, so I don't want to hear another complaint from him about his surgeon hands), and then Mrs. D.A. shows up, quotes my new catch phrase*, and bonks the D.A. even harder on the head!! There's blood and junk!! I think I'm going to miss his snappy fashion sense the most.
In a terribly unfortunate turn of events, Mrs. Mittens comes back to Hank's room to get keys or her wallet or her velvet scrunchie, and what do you know, Police Chief shows up, intending to tell the D.A. he's quittin'. So now he's there and it looks like his daughter-in-law killed somebody! Police Chief can't catch a damn break!
Mrs. D.A. aparently owns a jet pack or something, probably government issued, because she was able to go to D.C. from Pine Valley, kill her husband, then show up back at the casino to gamble away more money? You lost me, there, AMC, but whatever.
Kendall visits Ryan, and "needs" him, but doesn't want Zach to know this. Turns out Erica Kane "needs" him too, on account of that crazy beyotch livin' with Grandad. Kendall jumps off the balcony or something (I bet she borrowed Mrs. D.A.'s jet pack) and shows up at Grandad's house! That woman can do a lot in heels.
This week, Grandad remembers who shot Stuart and finally, FINALLY, Amanda figures out Barbardos Baby (who's got his drivers license by now) is HER baby!
*"You make it very hard for me to love you, Madison." Except, she says Henry or Hank or Rapist District Attorney. See, it's catching on!!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Once a ho, always a ho
THE CHOKING!!
Thursday 7/2
With her court date moved up, Kendall and The Hardy Boys have been running around talking to this person and that person and finally, Police Chief steps in and says, "Hey folks, let's just tell the truth at the trial!" And Kendall's all, "The what?" And he's like, "The truth" and she's like, "The whaaaaaa?"
Patrick Bateman, District Attorney visits Mittens (and his fancy jammies) in the hospital, and tries to make him think his ex-hooker wife is some sort of slut or something. Down at Casa de Mittens, Mrs. Mittens spills it to Zach about the whole D.A. bein' in love with her thing. Zach's like, "Jackpot! Or not, whatever, you never saw me."
Secret Aiden Man gets discovered by Grandad's crack security team, and they totes find the bug! Curses! (Wait, where were they the night all those people were running around the house, killing The Good Twin?) And Mrs. Mittens decides to sacrifice her hot bod for the good of someone or something, and gallivants off to D.C. with Patrick Bateman.
Kendall is totally bummed she's going to be sentenced to death for the crime she committed. I mean, she didn't commit, that CrazAnnie committed. Actually, that Emma committed. You'll see. You'll all see . . .
Zach is exasperated that no one will do what they're told, Kendall goes missing and (meow) cat fight down at Grandad's house!!
Will CrazAnnie choke Erica to death? My guess is no. But Mrs. Mittens is so going to get busy with Patrick Bateman, and Mittens is not going to be happy about it.
Thursday 7/2
With her court date moved up, Kendall and The Hardy Boys have been running around talking to this person and that person and finally, Police Chief steps in and says, "Hey folks, let's just tell the truth at the trial!" And Kendall's all, "The what?" And he's like, "The truth" and she's like, "The whaaaaaa?"
Patrick Bateman, District Attorney visits Mittens (and his fancy jammies) in the hospital, and tries to make him think his ex-hooker wife is some sort of slut or something. Down at Casa de Mittens, Mrs. Mittens spills it to Zach about the whole D.A. bein' in love with her thing. Zach's like, "Jackpot! Or not, whatever, you never saw me."
Secret Aiden Man gets discovered by Grandad's crack security team, and they totes find the bug! Curses! (Wait, where were they the night all those people were running around the house, killing The Good Twin?) And Mrs. Mittens decides to sacrifice her hot bod for the good of someone or something, and gallivants off to D.C. with Patrick Bateman.
Kendall is totally bummed she's going to be sentenced to death for the crime she committed. I mean, she didn't commit, that CrazAnnie committed. Actually, that Emma committed. You'll see. You'll all see . . .
Zach is exasperated that no one will do what they're told, Kendall goes missing and (meow) cat fight down at Grandad's house!!
Will CrazAnnie choke Erica to death? My guess is no. But Mrs. Mittens is so going to get busy with Patrick Bateman, and Mittens is not going to be happy about it.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Magnum Pine Valley
Dude, it's July!!
Wednesday 7/1
I just have one thing to say- my new catch-phrase is, "You make it very hard to love you, Madison." I don't care who I'm talking to, I'm calling them Madison. It makes it more effective.
The Mystery Inc. Gang is still stuck on the whole, "Annie killed Stuart" thing. Aiden and his trusty Bluetooth friend are gathering serious evidence. With technology. And Grandad's all "Kendall killed my brother!" No folks, Evil Emma killed him but I'm sure we'll get there in the next few weeks.
Amanda wants to know where her baby is. He's right there! HE'S RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HOUSE! FIGURE IT OUT!! Instead of being honest with her, Funny Doctor makes up a story that I'm pretty sure was based on an episode of "Little House on the Prairie." Something about a dog and working hard. But Thaddeus ain't down with keeping this particular secret. Funny Doc's only hope with keeping him quiet is another bonk on the head.
At the casino Madison tells a lovely little tale that goes something like this: D.A. falls in luv wit a stripper, I mean dancer, I mean prostitute. Prostitute's not in love wit him. D.A. finds rich blonde lady and marries her. Then he goes hiking in the Appalachian Argentinian mountains and digs holes and becomes the governor of South Carolina.
Mittens's hands work! They work enough to grope his wife in the middle of a hospital room at least. See Mittens, it's all gonna be just fine! But wait, Pervy D.A. shows up at casa de Mittens and wants her to run away to the exotic District of Columbia with him. Blackmail, yadda, yadda and Zach hears the whole thing, or most of it at least. Is Pine Valley in Canada? Why is everyone's door always open?
Kendall's mad Tad's a cad and didn't lie for her and Grandad wants to be bad with Annie-ad (pssst, he wants to do her.)
Only one more episode this week. Then we all get to relive Stuart's murder on Friday! Happy 4th of July!
Wednesday 7/1
I just have one thing to say- my new catch-phrase is, "You make it very hard to love you, Madison." I don't care who I'm talking to, I'm calling them Madison. It makes it more effective.
The Mystery Inc. Gang is still stuck on the whole, "Annie killed Stuart" thing. Aiden and his trusty Bluetooth friend are gathering serious evidence. With technology. And Grandad's all "Kendall killed my brother!" No folks, Evil Emma killed him but I'm sure we'll get there in the next few weeks.
Amanda wants to know where her baby is. He's right there! HE'S RIGHT THERE IN YOUR HOUSE! FIGURE IT OUT!! Instead of being honest with her, Funny Doctor makes up a story that I'm pretty sure was based on an episode of "Little House on the Prairie." Something about a dog and working hard. But Thaddeus ain't down with keeping this particular secret. Funny Doc's only hope with keeping him quiet is another bonk on the head.
At the casino Madison tells a lovely little tale that goes something like this: D.A. falls in luv wit a stripper, I mean dancer, I mean prostitute. Prostitute's not in love wit him. D.A. finds rich blonde lady and marries her. Then he goes hiking in the Appalachian Argentinian mountains and digs holes and becomes the governor of South Carolina.
Mittens's hands work! They work enough to grope his wife in the middle of a hospital room at least. See Mittens, it's all gonna be just fine! But wait, Pervy D.A. shows up at casa de Mittens and wants her to run away to the exotic District of Columbia with him. Blackmail, yadda, yadda and Zach hears the whole thing, or most of it at least. Is Pine Valley in Canada? Why is everyone's door always open?
Kendall's mad Tad's a cad and didn't lie for her and Grandad wants to be bad with Annie-ad (pssst, he wants to do her.)
Only one more episode this week. Then we all get to relive Stuart's murder on Friday! Happy 4th of July!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)