Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you and yours from Paraphrasing Pine Valley!

I don't know about you, but I'm ready for the next decade. See you on the flip side!

xoxo,
Melody

It's a Nice Day for a White/Still In a Coma Wedding

Wednesday 12/30:
Liza bailed Tad outta jail, so naturally Tad returned back to the scene of the crime to figure out what Nurse Gayle and Dr. David Greenlee Stealer are hiding once and for all. Not so fast, Taddy Boy. Dr. Dave has a very logical explanation about Massachusetts being the only place he can get his illegal drugs for his fake fatal illness. Naturally. Tad still thinks somethin' up, and Liza, well, she's a horrible lawyer so they leave and go back to Pine Valley.

Dude, Opal's got those visions again. Opal's visions are not to be messed with. She keeps seeing Emma with a bright light around her. Spooooooky.

Greenlee is asleep and then not asleep and then asleep again, and she totes thinks it's her wedding day and keeps asking where Laves is. Nurse Gayle's all "Dude, Dave. You gotta keep her awake and tell her what's up." Dr. Dave's like, "Fine." and the wakes her up and Greenlee's like, "I'm getting married." And he's like, "Yeah, not really. You've been asleep for a long @$$ time." And she's like, "That didn't happen." And he's like, "Yeah, it did. It happens all the time. It's called a coma."

At Grandad's Castle it's for reals someone's wedding day. Well, someone's for reals second wedding day. Someones' second but kinda their first since the groom passed out the first time wedding day . . . whatever, Grandad and CrazAnnie are renewing their vows. CrazAnnie wants to make the day extra special, so she gets a court order for Emma to attend this monstrosity. Kids love being forced to do stuff. Laves is t.o.'d and he shows up at the second first second wedding too, because this is super uncool. Opal shows up and she's like "Ack! Bad visions! Emma!" And everyone starts arguing and Emma slips outside (keep an eye on your kid, Laves) and whatdoyaknow- there's a bright light around Emma! And wind. And noises and holy crap, aliens! Aliens have come to take Emma to space because her parents are clearly unfit. Nope, no, sorry, actually it's just a helicopter. A helicopter with something way better than aliens- HAYLEY!!

The Day Zach Slater Left Town

I've missed you! I've missed Pine Valley! I've missed Dr. David Hayward . . . and ConFusion . . . I've even missed Laves! I've really missed you, Zach Slater. So glad Kendall's back and you guys are together and I'll get to see so much more of you now.

Wait, what?

Tuesday 12/29:
Greenlee's wakin' up. Kinda sorta. She said, "mumble mumble Ryan mumblemumble" to Nurse Gayle and Gayle tells Dr. David this and he's like, "Ryan? Gosh I hate that guy. I'mma put her back under, cool?" Oh yeah, and Tad arrives at the bar with the hospital room in the back (where Greens is), and is totally going to crack this case but Hayward sees him and has his heiny arrested.

Erica Kane stops by Grandad's for some reason or another, and CrazAnnie was just finishing up a pilates sesh with Sven. Erica's all, "I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DO PILATES! BEYOTCH!" And CrazAnnie's like, "Pfsst. Evs, Erica. I'm going to get custody of Emma." Then Laves stops by and he's like, "Can't we just have that joint custody thingy?" And Grandad's like, "Naw, let's send Emma to boarding school." Grandad probably thinks this is 1838 back when people did stuff like that. You know, back when he was Emma's age. I kid, I kid. Anyhoo, the prospect of CrazAnnie having custody of anything is very troubling to just about everyone, so Laves agrees to let the courts decide and then Grandad bribes/not bribes a judge. (Did he bribe that guy? I can't tell. Am I no longer hip to Grandad's subtleties in regards to his corruption of the judicial system? Have I been gone that long?)

Zach and Kendall are finally back in Pine Valley and all is right with the world. Except not. Zach Slater (aka Thorsten Kaye) is totally not moving to L.A. because he's worried he might run into Heidi and Spencer and those "Hills" fools and just have to unleash the wrath of Zach on them. Or maybe he's staying because his partner, Susan Haskell, is on One Life to Live (a popular daytime drama people really like and one that has decent writing . . . but that's just what Soap Opera Digest tells me.) and it's filmed in NYC and he wants to stay with his honey. Either way today was the last Zach Slater episode forever. Or not. As we all know "forever" really isn't forever in soap land.

I'm gonna miss you Zach. I'm gonna miss your wavy dark hair and your manliness and your poetry and the way you don't take nothing from nobody. I will still invoke your memory here in the Paraphrasing Pine Valley apartment . . . er offices, by saying things like, "Not gonna happen!" in your accent, and telling people that "The Boys should be with their mother." Joking aside, daytime drama loses a fantastic character today. Come back to Pine Valley soon, Zach Slater. Even if it's for a day or two.

Holiday Hiatus

Hey, gang! Paraphrasing Pine Valley will be going on a short holiday hiatus on account of . . . the holidays. Wishing you and yours an awesome one, filled with David Hayward's computer passwords and and naughty photos of the D.A.

"I'm great! A bunch of people think I'm dying!"

It is so nice that the first David Hayward episode of the week falls on the same day when our hermit crab, his namesake (DDHHC for short) emerges from his month long molting! It's a Christmas miracle!

Thursday 12/17:
Everyone in Pine Valley, well the important everyones that is, gets an invitation to a "benefit" for the "hospital." Weird, because it's happening the same day they get the invite. In fact, Krystal and Candy Shoppe architect were going to go on a date to go see that new movie with that "I drink your milkshake" guy . . . what's it called . . . um, there's like singing and dancing and like . . . singing in it? It's called "Eight" or something . . . no wait, it's called "Nine™!" Yes, "Nine™." They were going to go see that critically acclaimed movie starring that attractive chick, but you know what, they'll just go to the "benefit" instead.

Meanwhile, Secret Aidan Man has taken Kendall to a Secret Warehouse and, whatever, he's going to make her love him if it's the last thing does and yadda yadda. We all know he's bonkers and none of us like it. 'Specially Zach. Zach's a crazy genius these days and looks around the hotel room they were in and he totes figures out what the haps is. Hottie Inn Keeper ends up back at the hotel room, after a heart to heart with K. Hart (or something, I dunno what any of those folks are doing anymore) and Zach grabs her and totes makes her take him to the Secret Warehouse. Then Aidan hits him over the head with his gun. I have no words for what my dear, sweet sexy accented Aidan has now become.

Erica Kane (who so didn't feel like going to the last minute "benefit," boy is she going to be sorry!) was gonna go to the cops about how weird this whole Kendall thing is, but Zach and Laves convinced her not to. Then she and Laves talk about how they're each other's presents for Christmas this year and stuff and I'm sure it was really sweet but I was so distracted by the jingle jangle of her earrings that couldn't concentrate on anything except that. Who styled this episode? Seriously. Velour is so 2003 and never ever put accessories that sound like a door bell on an actress. Amanda looked smokin' though . . .

Anyhoo, turns out the "benefit" wasn't really a benefit, but more like a party where Dr. David Baby Stealer reminded everyone of how awesome a deceiver he is. He's all, "Tad, sorry 'bout stealing your wife." "JR, sorry I tricked you into drinking again and then tried to steal your kid from ya." "Not Babe, sorry I ignored you when I found out the cutest baby in the entire freaking world was my son (but not really)" "And 'Manda, sorry I made sweet, sweet love to you, not once, but twice (one of those times in the back of a car) and totally manipulated you into moving in with me." "Oh and by the way, you guys, I'm dying."

Pssssst- Nurse Gail says patient is responding well! And from the previews a Greenlee return is imminent my friends. If I ever crash my motorcycle in my wedding gown, and I fall into ditch, and then everyone thinks I'm dead, but I'm actually in like a coma or something in Boston, when I wake up, I can only hope that the first face I would see would be that of that lovely hunk of man, Dr. David Hayward.

The Day Melody Agreed with Lavery

Today's episode has made me so very very angry that I could just punch the air. And not in like a "Hooray" way but in like a "I don't like you, Charles Pratt, Jr." kind of way. Is all of this nonsense his final "screw you" to viewers? I mean, before it was pretty bad, but seriously, Chuck. Grrrrr.

Wednesday 12/16:
Madison finally stands up to her abusive father, with a little help from Erica Kane, and she's taken for questioning and then Police Chief says he wants her to move in with him and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff, which seems weird, but I like them so, cool.

Kendall keeps calling Zach and Laves from some L.A. cell phone (how I'm not sure, since she's bound AND gagged) and she mumbles stuff to Laves, but Zach still thinks she's being a beyotch. Opal goes to Zach and says how she keeps dreaming of Kendall and then a phone ringing (man, she's good) and Police Chief traces the number and is gonna call the LAPD, and Erica comes over and she's like, "Something's not right" and FINALLY Zach's like, "Yeah, all this is really weird. Imma go save her." So he calls Secret Aidan Man (he's in towel, goodness gracious he's in a towel) and he's like, "I want my wife back." Boom, it's on!

Now onto the most infuriating court case ever. EVER! Is Judd Nelson a social worker or a judge? Because he just keeps helping out CrazAnnie and coaching her and junk and Grandad gets on the stand and UGH it's just too much!! Long story short, CrazAnnie's case is thrown out or dismissed or whatever and Laves is like, "FOR REALS?" And I'm like, "I KNOW, LAVES!! COME ON!!" Then Grandad and CrazAnnie celebrate and Grandad thinks they should get married again. They got married like 2 seconds ago, so I don't know the purpose of that, but whatever, this is clearly Pine Valley, Crazytown right now.

Once more around the block, Judd Nelson!

I mean Judge Nelson.

Have you heard of 5 Hour Energy shots? It's the stuff you can buy in any drugstore, and it's supposed to keep you awake and alert when you have important things to do, like important work things? Well, don't take them. No one told me 5 Hour Energy was made of pure evil, so this means I watched AMC at an embarrassingly late/early time of night/morning yesterday. After scrawling some notes in a daze of caffeine and ringing ears, I could only decipher the following.

"I love David Hayward. Where's David Hayward? I miss David Hayward." (Creepy, Melody.)

"I think Pine Valley needs more fire breathing dragons." (Weird, Melody.)

"They need to re-cast Jesse McCartney but now as Lil' A (isn't it about time that kid went through a dramatic soap aging?) and then whenever Lil' A and JR are in scenes together, they can just stare at each other all confused like. No dialogue. Just weird, 'Don't I know you?' stares." (This is a brilliant idea, Melody and I wish you'd had the cognitive ability to articulate it more effectively. Let's think more about this.)

Moving on . . .

Tuesday 12/15:
Erica went to visit Madison at the Miranda Center, but yesterday (when I was in a daze) Randi took her to that broke down motel where she took the stealed baby that one time. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff shows up at the Miranda center too and Erica has her psychiatry pants on today and she's totes backing Madison and wants to get her away from that super Creepy McCreeperson father of hers. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff is a little like, "Mmmm, I dunno. She killed her husband and terrorized my family." But then she comes around and she's like "Well, Madison's dad super creeps me out. Let's do something about him."

Mittens doesn't like Madison's dad either, and yesterday he punched him in the face (so glad his sexy hands are working again!) and Police Chief totes arrested him, but then Mittens apologized (he didn't want to, though) and didn't have to go to for real jail and then Randi shows up and tells Mad's Dad about how Madison's at the broke down motel. Dude, Randi! What have you done?!

So it's CrazAnnie's trial, and she's representing herself and she's all, "Objection!" and the D.A.'s all, "Objection!" and Erica Kane's all, "Objection!" and I swear, these courtroom scenes are driving me up the wall. Judd Nelson, whatever, Judge Nelson . . . he might as well be Mr. "Breakfast Club" because he doesn't do anything very judge-like! It was all just a mess of un-lawyerly like conduct. Finally, CrazAnnie puts herself on the stand and then Grandad (who is in fact, not on the stand and should not be talking in a courtroom) is like, "I totes knew I killed my brother, and I lied and junk!" and everyone freaks out and I swear Judge Wapner would never ever allow this.

Mad's Dad shows up at the broke down motel and he tries to take her home and Brot and Mittens show up and Erica shows up and we all have pretty much decided that he's no good. Whether or not Madison's going to stand up to him remains to be seen, but if anyone is going to put that guy in his place it's Erica Kane. Don't mess with her, guy, she does Pilates. And she's Erica Kane.