The 37th Daytime Emmys and My Triumphant Return!

Dude, you guys. Long time no see, right? I'm back! And my blog looks all fancy doesn't it? Don't be impressed, it's just one a' those templates. I don't have many graphic design skills, and I'm not about to front like I do. I call this theme "The Yacht Club."

So in 40 minutes I'll see you here for some live blogging of the 37th Annual Daytime Emmys! Or is it "Emmies" . . . I'm never really sure. And why are they in June? Aren't they usually in August? I bet the answer is "budget cuts," right? It's always the budget cuts.

At 9pm EDT, be here to be . . . somewhere else.


9pm TONY ORLANDO?! Holy crap the Daytime Emmys got even more times awesome.

9:01pm Dave Copperfield dyed his hair special for tonight too. Just like me.

9:02pm ZOMG how'd he make Regis appear? He just appeared out of thin air . . . or from backstage.

9:03pm Do we really trust Regis Philbin to host this thing? I predict a lot of yelling and confusion.

9:04pm LaLucci sighting! PS- Regis if you have to explain your joke, it's not funny. It's like, rule number 1 of comedy.

9:10pm This As the World Turns lady is quite a handful. So are her boobs, huh? That dress is earning her Emmy.

9:13pm "Jersey Boys" follows me everywhere I go. The guy next to fake Frankie Valli is a tall drink of water though. I'll teach him to walk like man.

9:16pm Marie Osmond is in the same category as Cher and Dolly Parton. She can do no wrong. First person to make a crack about her dress, face or performance gets cut.

9:17pm Tony Orlando's mustache is as legendary as this song. Also he looks like Keith Hernandez from that one epsiode of Seinfeld. Also, for most of my life I thought "Dawn" was a person and not a band.

9:19pm Did Ryan Seacrest just say "Shubby Shecker?" Pronunciation fail.

9:19pm Lavery sighting! He still thinks he dances better than everyone.

9:20pm Oh LaLucci. You have such a special place in my heart.

9:21pm CHERRRRRRRR!

9:22pm DONNNNNNNNYYYYYYYY!

9:26pm Dick Clark is truly a class act.

9:27pm As much as I love Susan Lucci I'm not spending $.99 on a texted vote for her.

9:28pm Jerry O'Connell looks a lot like Dean Superman What'shisface.

9:29pm Rachel Ray. More yelling. And gestures.

9:32pm Wow, the Lion King. Why'd they choose a song that's not Hakuna Mata or Circle of Life or like, a real song?

9:32pm Ricky Paull Goldin's category! Here we go . . .

9:33 BOOOOOOOOOO. Dr. Jake Martin, you was robbed. That's a nice white tux you have.

9:34pm Well, Mr. Young and the Restless seemed . . . energetic.

9:34pm These The Doctors people are a-holes. There, I said it.

9:35pm Cash Cab Cash Cab Cash Cab . . . .

9:35pm CASH CAB WINS!

9:39pm Oh Regis . . .

9:40pm I can't believe there's a television show based on a Twitter account. Stupid. #Imbasicallyjustjealous

9:42pm Hey, these Blue guys look familiar.

9:44pm All informative talk shows are about doctors? I think hookers are much more informing.

9:45pm Oh, Laves. Greensleeves you look killer and tiny and I love you.

9:46pm Oh Lavery. Lavery, Lavery, Lavery. You enunciate so clearly.

9:47pm Well, hello Drew Tyler Bell. If this soap opera thing doesn't work out there's an opening for "Melody's Shoulder Massager" if you're interested. Shirt optional.

9:49pm It bums me out that this is the second year in a row that calls for a montage of a recently canceled soap. And yet somehow The Hills is still on the air? Pffft.

9:50pm Amanda! Smokin'.

9:52pm Commercial for the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Just ignore all that oil and junk down there.

9:55pm Fashionistas: sparkles are in for Summer 2010.

9:57pm Now THAT'S a joke, Regis. Well done.

9:58pm And these Massey guys are darn funny. Once again proving the funniest writing is on Nickelodeon. The channel really hit its peak with "You Can't Do That On Television" but "Hey Dude" was a regular Noel Coward piece compared to "Two and Half Men."

10pm Hour 1 over. My butt hurts.

10:01pm I'm glad there are more Feed The Children commercials and less Vagisil than last year.

10:08pm Holy crap that's a person in a crab suit!

10:09pm Mr. General Hospital director looked like he was standing up before they were even announced! Shenanigans, I tell you. It's all rigged.

10:10pm I don't understand anything that just happened.

10:10pm Regis, rule number 2 of comedy- don't beat a dead horse . . . or joke. Or whores.

10:10pm Soap Operas! Sponsored by the Las Vegas Hilton!

10:12pm The world's biggest Benihani?!! Well, book me a room. I love it when people throw food at me!

10:13pm This Kelly Monaco lady is a robot. A sad one. A sad robot with hair from 2003.

10:14pm Oh LaLucci, I love you and your charitable ways. Brava. And brava to Feed the Children.

10:22pm Now for some All My Children time. This is what I'm talking about.

10:22pm LaLucci, you're a goddess.

10:25pm Agnes Nixon is the Queen. I love her.

10:27pm Did the announcer just say Jeff Foxworthy was up next? Did my time machine take me back to 1993 when people thought those " . . . Redneck" jokes were funny?

10:29pm Birthday gift wish list. Item number 1: That weird Safe book.

10:31pm The 5 C's: Cash Cab, Cheech and Chong and Chips.

10:34pm Kids, let this be a lesson- do NOT over product your hair.

10:34pm Carnie Wilson hosts the Newlywed Show? In what universe?

10:35pm Cash Cab wins again! Ben Bailey: "I can't believe it." Subtext: I totes deserve this because my show is way more awesome than all those other shows.

10:37pm B & B wins for best writing. I'd be all, "All My Children should've won" but we all know that would've been a lie. Booo to you, Pratt.

10:38pm Jeff Foxworthy. Here am I back in 1993.

10:39pm Actually, these "You might be a" fill in the blank jokes weren't even funny back that.

10:39pm I'm pretty sure ol' Jeff said, "Best Talk Show Post."

10:40pm Stupid doctors.

10:41pm Now THIS doctor deserves his own tv show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0JUVCMIRwA
He haunts my dreams, I see his face so much on the subway.

10:44pm Someday I hope to own a house in which a sectional sofa will fit. Dream big, kids.

10:45pm I don't understand a word Regis says. I don't think Regis does either.

10:46pm Vanessa Marcil = definitely drunk

10:48pm Hey! It's that dude with the same last name as me.

10:49pm GO BOBBIE EAKES!!

10:49pm You were robbed, Bobbs. But good for you As The World Turns lady. Your child is adorable. Your hair accessory choices are interesting. I am okay with this.

10:51pm Best show is up next. I'm rooting for AMC, but my prediction is B & B. I'll bet you a million dollars. Unless I lose, then I was just kidding.

10:56pm That AMC clip for Best Show was kind of lame. Like the writing last season.

10:57pm I WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!

10:57pm I mean, come on, they had Betty White. And she died on the show. They were destined to win. The power of Betty White is unstoppable.

10:58pm Oh no, Regis. Live mic. LIVE MIC! WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

10:59pm And . . . we're done. Phew.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm spent. With the sequins and the Regis and magic tricks. It was too much! Next year in the holy land, All My Children.