I'm not dead.

Wednesday 12/29/10

I was totes going to Paraphrase today. Maybe I could talk about how Brot and Natalia are finally kissing and junk, or how weird it was to see NuNotBabe and Nu/OldScott in a scene together, or maybe how CrazAnnie and Amanda are friends and that makes me uneasy. However, this was all I could muster up. I'm going to go ahead and blame Mayor Bloomberg because he doesn't care about us poor people.

What was with that shaky-cam, Blair Witch scene in the ER with Funny Doc and Funny Doc's Ex about that one time they were in Doctors without Borders together?! I swear, if I was bleeding and my (sinfully handsome) doctor and his hot-to-trot ex-wife were working on me and wouldn't shut up about whatever they wouldn't shut up about- I'd . . . I'd . . . well, I'd probably be in too much pain to really be upset, but when that anesthesia wore off, there'd be heck to pay.

So with that I'll bid adieu and perhaps I won't be so lazy in the year eleven. Happy new year to you and yours!

xoxo,
Melody

HE'S BACK! (And his hair looks fantastic)

Five words: Dr. David Hayward is back. Five more words: Looking as fabulous as ever. He pulled the old planted drug, bribed the doctor in the morgue, hid out in a Unibomber disquise fake deatherooni. Oldest trick in the book. And why'd he do that? Because he loves Greenlee Smythe Lavery Dupres Hayward so much he's gonna incriminate himself in what really isn't technically a trial (Can judges do that? Just get testimony from folks just for funsies?)

Thank goodness he's back. Well, now I guess he's technically in jail or what have you, but I don't think I could've handled Hayward-less Pine Valley anymore!

Oh yeah, Zach was in a plane crash and now he's "gone." Notice no one's said, "dead" yet. This makes me sad, but David's Big Return has zeroed me out. Though I'm worried Kendall's going to forget how to breathe without that guy. She's kind of a dummy when he's not around.

Oh David, don't ever leave me again.

An Ode to Dr. David Hayward

Happier days . . .

Dude, you guys. I know, I know, it's been long and I know I've been lazy. But now? NOW? I'm just . . . just so . . . dude, you guys.

Okay. I am so upset over the death of Dr. David Hayward that words can't even express my sorrow. So I wrote a poem.

An Ode to Dr. David Hayward

What shall I do?
Where shall I go?
Without my fave guy
On my fave show

You'd lie and you'd cheat
You'd steal and you'd drug
At the end of the day
All you wanted was love

With your chiseled features
And dashing good looks
There's no one handsomer
You're the tops in my book

I don't read the spoilers
So I might be real dumb
But I never thought
That you'd be the one

To die.

On my soap.

So until his inevitable return from the grave, this blog must go dark. Yeah yeah, I know, I've been slacking anyway but without David Hayward I don't have a reason to live. And I definitely don't have a reason to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. I shall mourn you, Hayward, my precious evil baby stealing doctor, until you rise again.

Or settle your contract negotiations.

Secret Thoughts

Wednesday 8/11:

Wonder what your favorite All My Children characters were REALLY thinking during today's episode?

Scott and Not Babe get it on.
And it's weird.

Junior.
He still can't figure out styling products.

Lavery's real good at fake medical conditions.

Last week: An Artist's Interpretation

Monday 8/9:

Need to catch up on what's been happening the past few weeks on AMC? Here are some Rainbow Doodle Drawings to get you up to speed:

Angie's between a rock and a hard place. Or, more accurately, a baby and some blindness.

David Hayward just wants to be loved.

Liza= still an awful person.

Summer in Pine Valley

Thursday 7/8:
Dude, you guys. It is so. hot. in NYC right now. It's hot in Pine Valley too. Wrote a song about it. Wanna hear it? Here it go.

(Sung to the tune of The Lovin' Spoonful's "Summer in the City")

Hot town, summer in Pine Valley
Lavery’s looking’ tan and Randi’s lookin’ lovely
So nice she’s gonna be a model
Over in Europe, hope she doesn’t hit the bottle

Amanda I know you love Jake
but modeling in Europe is a chance that you should take!

But in Pine Valley it’s a different world. Go out and find a girl.
Picnic or run and jog in the park, we’ll go to ConFusion when it gets real dark
Cuz babe, don’t you know it’s a pity the days, can’t be like the nights
In the Summer, in Pine Valley, In the Summer, in Pine Valley.


Hot town, summer in Pine Valley
Angie’s goin’ blind and she still won’t tell her hubby
Things suck cuz he got sent home
Mayor doesn’t like him cuz he’s always on the phone

Angie you gotta tell him soon
you can’t solve the blindness, pushin’ the couch around the room!

But in Pine Valley it’s a different world. Go out and find a girl.
Picnic or run and jog in the park, and we’ll go to ConFusion when it gets real dark
Cuz babe, don’t you know it’s a pity the days, can’t be like the nights
In the Summer, in Pine Valley, In the Summer, in Pine Valley.


Hot town, Hayward in Pine Valley
Greenlee’s getting’ mad cuz he’s seemin’ kinda sketchy
Turns out he only gave confession
So he would look a hero make a really good impression

Haywardddd, I will love you always
though you’re such a liar and you like to steal the babies!

But in Pine Valley it’s a different world. Go out and find a girl.
Picnic or run and jog in the park, and we’ll go to ConFusion when it gets real dark
Cuz babe, don’t you know it’s a pity the days, can’t be like the nights
In the Summer, in Pine Valley, In the Summer, in Pine Valley.

On a very special episode of AMC...

Colby learns the world does not revolve around her.

Friday 7/2:
Wow, a whole bunch of doin' nothin' on today's episode, huh? Less talkin', let's see some action, Pine Valley.

Juno's Baby Daddy's Fake Daddy is still a douche, so Tad punches him. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff is still goin' blind, so Funny Doc is gonna help her out. Natalia's not doing a very good job investigating Erica's plane crash in West Virginia (Yeah, whatever they SAY it's because the Feds aren't really cooperating but I think it's because she's kind of a bad cop who shoots people for no reason) so Police Chief has to go down there and fix this situation and put that tall, dark, sexy, hunky, evil Dr. David Hayward behind bars for good. Oh and NeoColby is shocked to find out that not everyone can drop everything so they can follow her to ol' Manhatty for a fake internship.

And I took a nap.

Happy almost Independence Day, ya'll!

A picture's worth a thousand naked Lizas

Reason #1 July is awesome- it's the Aiden Turner month on my "Men of Pine Valley" calendar. Oh Aiden, I've missed your chisled jaw.

Thursday 7/1:
Funny Doc and Amanda arrive back from their glamorous tropical honeymoon in the New York City, and they've brought bagels and coffee! Was it just me, or were they eating those bagels in a really weird way? I am led to believe they have never eaten bagels before. I bet it's a South Beach Diet kinda thing. Anyhoo, Amanda's a Snoopy McSnooperson and she goes through Juno's Baby Daddy's phone while he's being polite and getting junk out of her car for her. She sees the half nakey photos of Liza and gets all upset and stuff because I guess blackmail's unethical. Please, Amanda, like you've never taken covert photos of your birth father's girlfriend because she tried to seduce you and prevent you from dating her daughter.

Speaking of Liza's daughter, NeoColby got that fake internship from the fake fashion designer in NYC. This means she and Juno's Baby Daddy can move to the big city together and do adult things!! How fun! Not so fast, girlfriend. Juno's Baby Daddy can't even say "I love you, too" to you, why in the world would he want to move in with you? Plus he's got free health care and bagels in Pine Valley. And you're sometimes overbearing and kind of a drag. This is not a judgment, just an observation. NeoColby freaks out and assumes that Juno's Baby Daddy is cheating on her and she wants Tad (HIS FATHER!) to use his detective skills and investigate. Paranoid, party of one. Your table's ready.

Dr. David Baby Stealer and Greensleeves had a great night of gettin' busy, and everything's blissful and lovey and they take a walk in the park (the REAL park, like outside and stuff. Not that fake park everyone's usually hangin' out in.) Naturally, the workout twins, Madison and Lavery, ruin the whole scene with their sports accessories and leg cramps. Dr. David Baby Stealer is cold as ice, but Greensleeves is a little thrown off, understandably so, as Lavery's tank top was a little alarming. After the four part ways, Lavery invites Madison to New York City with him next week for some junk or somethin' and Madison's all, "Of COURSE I'll be in a New York City montage with you!"

$10 says there's a good long twirling scene next week with those two fools.

Palmer's Will: The hits just keep coming!

So I partially fell asleep during today's episode because I'm off from work and that makes me all naptastic. Let's see what I can remember.

Wednesday 6/30:
Did you know you can write your will so it forces people to do things like move to a new town and change their name? Me neither. Palmer did, though! That's exactly what he did to old Caleeeeeb. Poor Caleb has to move to Pine Valley for at least a year AND change his last name to Cortlandt from Cooney. (Cortlandt is better, Caleb.) AND apparently Dr. David Hayward was a renter- A RENTER!- and now Caleb gets to live at the WildWoodWind mansion because Palmer bought it for him. This doesn't seem that legal to me, but okay.

Not Babe thinks she needs to sex it up a bit for Junior, since he seems to like crazy slutwhores like Annie. She buys a shorter version of my homecoming dress from 1998 (A note to the ladies: you may think the only way you'll win your high school ex-boyfriend back is by forcing him to take you to homecoming and wearing a mesh cut out dress so tight you can hardly breathe, but trust me, mesh is never the answer and he's not worth the effort anyway. ) but then Lil' A.J. ruins the whole thing because he tells her he's "scared" because she's all done up. To quote Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley, "What kind of dumb@$$ kid gets scared because his mom's wearing makeup?"

Police Chief has now enlisted Tad to find George Someone or Other, who was somehow involved in Erica's plane crash or the whole SEC/Fusion/embezzlement thing or something. I don't know, I'm pretty sure I dozed off for that part. I think the point is that Police Chief's bummed his wife is bummed and he's gonna blame David Hayward for it. Actually, we should really be blaming that eye disease but what do I know? I did wake up to Greensleeves and Dr. David Hayward almost gettin' it on, which is always enjoyable to see.

I promise I don't mean that to sound as pervy as it does. Yes I do.

"What do you wear to a will reading anyway?"

If you're Jackson, some sexy reading glasses and that luscious head of hair.

Tuesday 6/29:
It's the day of Palmer's will reading, ya'll! EricaKane is finally, for reals, released from hospital only after she wakes up to NooBianca watching her sleep as she whispered "Caleb . . . Caleeeeeb." (Erica, not NooBianca.) NooBianca thinks this is weird (no weirder than watching people sleep, NooB) and grills her moms about "Caleeeeeb." Erica plays it off with a "He's just this dude who's mean, and rugged, and chiseled and hunky and . . . is it getting hot in here? I mean, I hate him." Evs, Erica.

Then Krystal stops by Erica's hospital room (can't this woman just leave the place already?) and Krystal basically implies that Erica better not be playin' Jackson for a fool. Erica implies that Krystal better not be writin' checks her butt can't cash.

Sucker Scott is totally freaked out by this will reading, since he basically stole all of Palmer's NanoIpod Technology and he's worried that Palmer's gonna blow up his spot from the afterlife. CrazAnnie is dressed like a crazy slutwhore for this thing, even though homegirl wasn't REALLY invited because she's a crazy slutwhore. Naturally, she goes anyway and she and Not Babe have a confrontation/catfight about Junior and how NotBabe is mad boring and THAT'S why Junior slept with CrazAnnie. I might have to agree with the crazy lady on this one. It culminates with and very lady-like tussle between the 2 of 'em and they knock the marble (read: Styrofoam) Palmer memorial plaque off of it's marble (read: particle board) stand and they have to put it back together with rubber bands and gum. Hijinx.

Finally we get to Palmer's will reading and he gives NooBianca some puppets, Opal back her engagement ring (I guess he was gonna propose to her again? At some point?), Junior a beach house and half of ChandMerica Enterprises and Sucker Scott a painting of Pigeon Hollow and then mentions something about remembering your roots- which is totally a passive aggressive way of saying "Don't be a douche and a thief, Scott." Finally, Palmer bequeaths Palmer Technology to EricaKane and . . . wait for it . . . Caleb, who's actually Palmer's nephew. Hilarious, right? A hermit mountain man and some prissy princess running a technology company! And they totes have the hots for each other. I wonder what will happen. Sorry, Jack- I hear Krystal's on the market.

Little House on the Pine Valley

Seriously why would anyone in the world write a story line other than love and shiny happy things for these two?

Monday 6/28:
Dag, ya'll. I ain't even gonna talk about all the stuff that's happened those past 3 months. I ain't even gonna talk about Erica's plane crash, rescue by a mountain man, falling down a dirt pit and subsequent second rescue by the same mountain main. I ain't gonna mention how Janet From Another Planet stalked Amanda and totes took some folks hostage. And I certainly ain't gonna bring up how Bianca isn't Bianca anymore and she wears belts over sweater vests over tunics over jeans. I ain't gonna talk about that.

Right now, we're talking about what happened today.

See, today, Erica left hospital for the second time, and Jack (who's now her fiancee!) is totally raggin' her for not really resting up and gettin' better from the crash and the pit fall. Instead, she's all up Greensleeve's butt about how Greensleeves and her totally awesome huzzzband Dr. David Baby Stealer a: rigged her plane to go down and b: pretty much framed her for some embezzlement and some junk. Long story short, Dave takes the wrap, because he's awesome and chivalrous and that's what dude does. Oh wait, no actually he bribes the Feds (or whomever that guy in the park was) for "minimal charges." This way he's a hero AND doesn't really have to do too much time. Dave, you and your evil ways.

Meanwhile, Jackson and Erica find out that Palmer's will . . . needs . . . to . . . be . . . read!!! *Duh duh duhhhhhhhh* Titillating.

Since neither Amanda, nor Funny Doc have jobs or places to be, they hang out in the park while some baby sitter watches their kid and Amanda talks about how they're totally going to Italy so Amanda can take some Italian modeling job and they can basically eat pizza and be deadbeats. So Funny Doc goes to hospital to be all, "My name's Jake and I'm outta here- to go eat pizza for a few weeks and then I'll be back." But then he happens upon Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff, who's actin' kinda like she's can't see. He basically tricks her into admitting that she's goin' all Mary Ingalls on us is sorta blind because she contracted some unpronounceable disease from a little boy because Dr. David Hayward won't let the hospital buy gloves. Oh heck to the no, writers. This is not happenin' to my Dr. Angela Hubbard. Fine you can make her blind, but not longer than one month, then we'll all learn a very special lesson and then only good things will happen to the Hubbards. You hear me? Take NooBianca- she wears weird clothes and thinks she better than everyone. But the Hubbards? The Hubbards are joy and light and beauty not to be messed with. You cannot hurt my feelings like this, All My Children. You cannot.

The 37th Daytime Emmys and My Triumphant Return!

Dude, you guys. Long time no see, right? I'm back! And my blog looks all fancy doesn't it? Don't be impressed, it's just one a' those templates. I don't have many graphic design skills, and I'm not about to front like I do. I call this theme "The Yacht Club."

So in 40 minutes I'll see you here for some live blogging of the 37th Annual Daytime Emmys! Or is it "Emmies" . . . I'm never really sure. And why are they in June? Aren't they usually in August? I bet the answer is "budget cuts," right? It's always the budget cuts.

At 9pm EDT, be here to be . . . somewhere else.


9pm TONY ORLANDO?! Holy crap the Daytime Emmys got even more times awesome.

9:01pm Dave Copperfield dyed his hair special for tonight too. Just like me.

9:02pm ZOMG how'd he make Regis appear? He just appeared out of thin air . . . or from backstage.

9:03pm Do we really trust Regis Philbin to host this thing? I predict a lot of yelling and confusion.

9:04pm LaLucci sighting! PS- Regis if you have to explain your joke, it's not funny. It's like, rule number 1 of comedy.

9:10pm This As the World Turns lady is quite a handful. So are her boobs, huh? That dress is earning her Emmy.

9:13pm "Jersey Boys" follows me everywhere I go. The guy next to fake Frankie Valli is a tall drink of water though. I'll teach him to walk like man.

9:16pm Marie Osmond is in the same category as Cher and Dolly Parton. She can do no wrong. First person to make a crack about her dress, face or performance gets cut.

9:17pm Tony Orlando's mustache is as legendary as this song. Also he looks like Keith Hernandez from that one epsiode of Seinfeld. Also, for most of my life I thought "Dawn" was a person and not a band.

9:19pm Did Ryan Seacrest just say "Shubby Shecker?" Pronunciation fail.

9:19pm Lavery sighting! He still thinks he dances better than everyone.

9:20pm Oh LaLucci. You have such a special place in my heart.

9:21pm CHERRRRRRRR!

9:22pm DONNNNNNNNYYYYYYYY!

9:26pm Dick Clark is truly a class act.

9:27pm As much as I love Susan Lucci I'm not spending $.99 on a texted vote for her.

9:28pm Jerry O'Connell looks a lot like Dean Superman What'shisface.

9:29pm Rachel Ray. More yelling. And gestures.

9:32pm Wow, the Lion King. Why'd they choose a song that's not Hakuna Mata or Circle of Life or like, a real song?

9:32pm Ricky Paull Goldin's category! Here we go . . .

9:33 BOOOOOOOOOO. Dr. Jake Martin, you was robbed. That's a nice white tux you have.

9:34pm Well, Mr. Young and the Restless seemed . . . energetic.

9:34pm These The Doctors people are a-holes. There, I said it.

9:35pm Cash Cab Cash Cab Cash Cab . . . .

9:35pm CASH CAB WINS!

9:39pm Oh Regis . . .

9:40pm I can't believe there's a television show based on a Twitter account. Stupid. #Imbasicallyjustjealous

9:42pm Hey, these Blue guys look familiar.

9:44pm All informative talk shows are about doctors? I think hookers are much more informing.

9:45pm Oh, Laves. Greensleeves you look killer and tiny and I love you.

9:46pm Oh Lavery. Lavery, Lavery, Lavery. You enunciate so clearly.

9:47pm Well, hello Drew Tyler Bell. If this soap opera thing doesn't work out there's an opening for "Melody's Shoulder Massager" if you're interested. Shirt optional.

9:49pm It bums me out that this is the second year in a row that calls for a montage of a recently canceled soap. And yet somehow The Hills is still on the air? Pffft.

9:50pm Amanda! Smokin'.

9:52pm Commercial for the Mississippi Gulf Coast. Just ignore all that oil and junk down there.

9:55pm Fashionistas: sparkles are in for Summer 2010.

9:57pm Now THAT'S a joke, Regis. Well done.

9:58pm And these Massey guys are darn funny. Once again proving the funniest writing is on Nickelodeon. The channel really hit its peak with "You Can't Do That On Television" but "Hey Dude" was a regular Noel Coward piece compared to "Two and Half Men."

10pm Hour 1 over. My butt hurts.

10:01pm I'm glad there are more Feed The Children commercials and less Vagisil than last year.

10:08pm Holy crap that's a person in a crab suit!

10:09pm Mr. General Hospital director looked like he was standing up before they were even announced! Shenanigans, I tell you. It's all rigged.

10:10pm I don't understand anything that just happened.

10:10pm Regis, rule number 2 of comedy- don't beat a dead horse . . . or joke. Or whores.

10:10pm Soap Operas! Sponsored by the Las Vegas Hilton!

10:12pm The world's biggest Benihani?!! Well, book me a room. I love it when people throw food at me!

10:13pm This Kelly Monaco lady is a robot. A sad one. A sad robot with hair from 2003.

10:14pm Oh LaLucci, I love you and your charitable ways. Brava. And brava to Feed the Children.

10:22pm Now for some All My Children time. This is what I'm talking about.

10:22pm LaLucci, you're a goddess.

10:25pm Agnes Nixon is the Queen. I love her.

10:27pm Did the announcer just say Jeff Foxworthy was up next? Did my time machine take me back to 1993 when people thought those " . . . Redneck" jokes were funny?

10:29pm Birthday gift wish list. Item number 1: That weird Safe book.

10:31pm The 5 C's: Cash Cab, Cheech and Chong and Chips.

10:34pm Kids, let this be a lesson- do NOT over product your hair.

10:34pm Carnie Wilson hosts the Newlywed Show? In what universe?

10:35pm Cash Cab wins again! Ben Bailey: "I can't believe it." Subtext: I totes deserve this because my show is way more awesome than all those other shows.

10:37pm B & B wins for best writing. I'd be all, "All My Children should've won" but we all know that would've been a lie. Booo to you, Pratt.

10:38pm Jeff Foxworthy. Here am I back in 1993.

10:39pm Actually, these "You might be a" fill in the blank jokes weren't even funny back that.

10:39pm I'm pretty sure ol' Jeff said, "Best Talk Show Post."

10:40pm Stupid doctors.

10:41pm Now THIS doctor deserves his own tv show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0JUVCMIRwA
He haunts my dreams, I see his face so much on the subway.

10:44pm Someday I hope to own a house in which a sectional sofa will fit. Dream big, kids.

10:45pm I don't understand a word Regis says. I don't think Regis does either.

10:46pm Vanessa Marcil = definitely drunk

10:48pm Hey! It's that dude with the same last name as me.

10:49pm GO BOBBIE EAKES!!

10:49pm You were robbed, Bobbs. But good for you As The World Turns lady. Your child is adorable. Your hair accessory choices are interesting. I am okay with this.

10:51pm Best show is up next. I'm rooting for AMC, but my prediction is B & B. I'll bet you a million dollars. Unless I lose, then I was just kidding.

10:56pm That AMC clip for Best Show was kind of lame. Like the writing last season.

10:57pm I WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!!!!

10:57pm I mean, come on, they had Betty White. And she died on the show. They were destined to win. The power of Betty White is unstoppable.

10:58pm Oh no, Regis. Live mic. LIVE MIC! WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

10:59pm And . . . we're done. Phew.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm spent. With the sequins and the Regis and magic tricks. It was too much! Next year in the holy land, All My Children.

Gone Fishin'

You guys, sometimes life gets in the way of my stories.

It's pretty evident I've been slacking, but it is with a heavy heart that I say I'll be taking a brief 2-ish month long hiatus. There's just too much happenin' ya'll!

Oh, I'll keep watching. (Sometimes Dr. David Baby Stealer is the only thing that gets me through the day!) But the recaps will be taking a break. I shall return sometime in May, after I've been made an honest woman, and when I can fully commit myself to Paraphrasing Pine Valley.

The Tax Man Cometh

Today was the day I did my taxes. Today was the day I threw a hissy fit . . . again. Not as dramatically as last year, the year when "they" took all my money. I could be getting $100,000 and a unicorn back and I'd still have a major meltdown . . . because math is hard. Every year, you guys. Every year.

Stuff happened today on All My Children too. I don't really remember though, because I was having my own soap opera with my "Are they going to arrest me for stapling this?!! ANSWER ME!!" antics. Sorry, Mr. Paraphrasing PV. It only comes but once a year.

Tuesday

Today we learned how Lavery works out his abs.

Enjoy your Tuesday!

Who Wants to Be Pine Valley's Next Top Undercover Model?

Thursday 3/25:

Let me break it down for you:

Natalia and Amanda are both smokin' hot, CrazAnnie's a paranoid freak, Dr. David Baby Stealer is a master manipulator (actually just a really good overhearer) and everyone's hair is flat.

Thursday!! Hoo-ah!

Wednesday Recap Haikus

Wednesday 3/24:
Box full of Hayward
Is worth two in a mansion
Give me a box'o that!!

Grandad can't do "it"
Cuz he's got an old dude's heart
It's better this way

Sky blue, Liza drunk
Has she ever won a case?
Maybe stick to booze?

How do you like that crazy marrow, JR?

Friday 3/19:
Tad is way bummed about this whole Baby Daddy to Juno's Baby Daddy thing, and he feels all guilty the kid is a brat and a prescription drug stealer. Liza and NeoColby had some sorta talk at ConFusion about something, but I only concentrated on Colby's roots, because when I actually listen to her it has the same effect on me as fingernails on a chalk board. Regardless, none the less Liza's all worked up and goes over Tad's and Tad's like, "let's break up." Oh Tad Tad Tad.

At hospital, Grandad almost lets the "You've got Annie's marrow in you" cat out of the bag to JR 'cuz he starts talkin' 'bout how she totally did a really nice thing for JR. Meanwhile, CrazAnnie is totally paranoid about Brooke and Grandad gettin' together, which is hella ironic, given the fact that she pretty much comes onto Scott every time he walks in the room. Dr. David Baby Stealer totes overhears one such come on, which, I suppose, was more like a "'member how we made out that one time? And how we really like each other" convo between the two of 'em, but still you guys, keep it in your pants. When Grandad gets home, Dr. Dave tells him how those two fools are all up in each other's business and he volunteers to keep an eye on CrazAnnie, out of the kindness of his heart. That's my Dr. David Baby Stealer. He's a giver.

JR's been thinkin' about what Grandad said and he makes CrazAnnie visit him in hospital. She gets riled up because those two hate each other, in case you forgot, and is all, "I gave you my bone marrow!" and I'm all, "Forget about the bone marrow! Can someone please please fix her old lady bangs? THAT would be a real favor!"

Now that Junior's got that crazy marrow, I wonder if we'll get a little Dr. Drake Ramoray/Jessica Lockhart action . . .

Tad the Cad's a Dad . . . again

Man oh man, I've been gone for a while! See, there was life stuff, then work stuff, then more life stuff, then work-like stuff, then Daylight Savings happened and I ended up accidentally taping One Life to Live for two days.

Thursday 3/18:
Remember how Tad was a big slut whore back in the day? Well, turns out he was a slut whore approximately 19 years ago, and Juno's Baby Daddy's his son. (I totally called it.) So Tad's all worked up about missing most of his kid's life, and he keeps trying to get in touch with his kid's moms, but moms totes went to Europe, probably because she didn't really feel like discussing the whole "That kid's your kid, but he thinks his step dad's really his dad instead of his step dad" thing. Understandable. Tad blames Liza for spooking her, but I blame Tad for his incessant calling of kid's moms. On top of all that Tad likes Krystal again, or at least he seems like he does, and that makes Liza all mopey. Also, Juno's Baby's Daddy's a d**k. I'm guessing because his mother's a liar and a tramp.

Greensleeves is doin' a ad campaign for her new makeup that makes you look like you're not wearing makeup (Which, to me, completely negates the purpose of makeup. I'm a gal who wears blue eyeshadow and bright red lipstick together, though, so what do I know?) For the location, Madison suggests the casino, which Laves totally bought yesterday. Greensleeves doesn't know that Madison knows that Laves owns the casino . . . and Zach doesn't know Laves owns the casino either . . . uh, whatever the whole casino makeup campaign is a convoluted attempt for Laves to make Greensleeves get wit' him.

Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer is hidin' out in Grandad's mansion. He needs a place to hide, and Grandad's heart is on the fritz again so it's a match made in heaven. This kinda makes Grandad all weird and secretive, and naturally CrazAnnie starts to lose it and thinks that somehow it's all a big Brooke thingy. She shuffles her slippered feet down the halls of Grandad's tunnels (not a euphemism, I promise) and . . . EEK! Who's there?!! Guess we'll find out tomorrow! (It's definitely David.)

PS- Is Greenlee's wardrobe now being sponsored by exposed zippers? I mean, exposed zippers are hot right now, but it's a little excessive. Give her buttons or snaps or velcro or something!

Tardy due to rocking out

Sorry. I've been busy rocking out this week . . . and some wedding planning . . . but mostly rocking out, hence the lack of recaps.

Question- who do YOU think is Juno's Baby Daddy's daddy?

Mmm hotcakes

Juno's Baby Daddy's brave for eatin' pancakes in Pine Valley, huh?

Would you like some crazy beyotch with that bone marrow, JR?

Monday 3/1:
Greensleeves is at Ye Olde Castle of Romance, where Funny Doc has Nurse Gayle all holed up too, trying to make her rat on Dave. Greensleeves is there because, she kind of loves Laves still? I don't know why when you've got a big hunk of evil doctor at home, but whatever. Funny Doc works his Funny ways and Greensleeves doesn't suspect that whole Gayle thing, but after she leaves Erica and Laves and the gang come over and yadda yadda yadda there gonna take Hayward down. We've heard this one before, kids.

So Greensleeves goes back home, and confesses to Hayward about going to castle, and Hayward confesses about how he was kinda sorta helping Erica take over Fusion. Greensleeves is displeasesleeved.

Juno's Baby Daddy gets fired (AGAIN!) because he once tried to break into the place in which he worked. Companies don't dig thievery. Good to know . . .

Turns out CrazAnnie is a partial match for Junior and his bone marrow, which is not as great as a full match but a lot better than just lettin' the dude hang out in a coma. CrazAnnie didn't know that there was like, surgery involved with the bone marrow stuff, and man, that's a big deal. So she goes into Junior's room and she's all, "To be or not to be . . . JR's bone marrow donor . . ." And Junior's like, "Get out bitch!" Not kidding, that dude talked! Somebody's totally pulling the old Emma Lavery Fake Sleeping coma, aren't they?

Snow my goodness where is Grandad's secret love child?!

It snowed like 72 feet here in NYC, so I got a snow day!! Thanks, snow! And sorry in advance for trash talking you tomorrow when you ruin my weekend and get all dirty and icky.

Friday 2/26:
Looks like Miguel the Grandad Secret Love Child is a bone marrow match for Junior. Hooray! Miguel is also a big freaking jerk and didn't get on the plane and now Junior slipped into a coma and I'm getting seriously distraught about his cancer. This storyline is killing me, you guys! Luckily, CrazAnnie went rogue . . .rouge? . . . rogue and is totes getting tested without Junior's knowledge and I'm sure she'll be a match and Junior's gonna wake up in a few months with some crazy beyotch marrow in his bones. At least that's what I'm hoping.

Dr. David Baby Stealer and Greensleeves got married! Greensleeves totally wants to "consummate the marrige" (wink wink) with him, but he resists, because he doesn't want mess up the fact that they're friends and he can tell her anything and he really likes her and they have a special connection. Um, that kinda sounds like love to me, Hayward, but whatevs. Thank you for saving yourself for me. Greensleeves is totally onto the whole Erica/Hayward thingy thingy about Erica wanting Fusion and making Hayward help her make that happen and junk. So Hayward tells Greensleeves that it's all gonna be okay and that he's the one doing the the manipulating (which Erica totally overhears) but it kinda sorta seems like he's not being truthful. I swear to goodness, Hayward, if you burn Greensleeves I'm going to be so t.o.'d. Oh, I'll still be in love with you, but that will make me sad for a second.

Drunky 1 and Drunky 2 (Laves and Funny Doc) have the BRILLIANT plan to get Nurse Gayle's help to take Hayward down. They drank a bottle of brown liquor between the two of 'em yesterday, and now they're freaking genius private eyes? Gayle's kinda down but not super down, because she saw Greensleeves and Hayward making out and this hurt her feelings. But also the Drunkies are drunk, and I think she's a little leery of helping out a buncha lushes. And then there's the thing about how she's got the hots for Hayward, and she's got confused feelings of jealous and lust. I feel you, girlfriend. I feel you.

There's no time!

There's no time! There's never any time!! There's no time to recap!!

Maniac Monday

It's Monday! And I'm not really sure who's the biggest Maniac in Pine Valley today . . . NeoColby for toying with a crazy lady or CrazAnnie for being a crazy lady. Nah, the answer is definitely Laves. It's always Laves.

Monday 2/22:
Laves totes overheard Greensleeves (who's got a birthday today!) talkin' to Funny Doc and he decides that maybe he shouldn't be so pushy with this whole making her love him thing. Sting was right, kid. Somehow though, I feel like you haven't yet learned this lesson. You don't have a great track record with the "not being pushy" deal. But we'll see.

Dr. Mrs. Police Chief is sad about how much her job kinda sucks. With the blackmailing/not blackmailing and junk, she's been super testy recently, so Police Chief stops by hospital so he can whisk her away and they can "reconnect," if you know what I mean. This leaves Mittens in charge, and man, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief has a really tough job. There was this other doc who had this one emergency (which he kinda didn't really make seem like an emergency) and the guy's patient totally died because Dr. Mrs. Police Chief wasn't there to approve the surgery and Mittens didn't call her in time to have her approve the surgery! That sucks.

Juno's not comin' back to PV. I think we all kinda knew that, but today Juno's Baby Daddy confirmed it. Also confirmed Juno's Baby Daddy's DNA totes matched the DNA from all those break ins. DNA don't mean squat in this town, though.

Grandad finds out it was NuevoColby who planted the tire iron that made CrazAnnie go a little bit loco, and he also kinda finds out that Scott won't just stop lustin' after his darn wife. He's really t.o.'d and he reads 'em all the riot act. Grandad's all, "Keep it in your pants Scott! And stop being a brat Colby!" Then he gives Tad a big briefcase o' cash to go "find" "a person" who might be a "match" for "JR" and his "bone marrow." Secret love child, anyone? No . . . seriously. I'm pretty sure it's his secret love child.

T.G.I. Tire Iron!

In the past two days, everyone's been kidnapped!

Updated: A super keen observer (thanks, Kari!!) pointed out that Erica Kane did not, in fact, kidnap Dr. David Baby Stealer. Instead that was Tad and Police Chief and she was just standing guard over the guy or something. I blame the weird one sentence ABC recaps these days for my misinformation. Their "David Hayward does something evil" and "Colby complains about something" episode recaps aren't keeping me in the loop. Guess I should just watch 'em online, huh?

Updated Update: The ABC recaps are back!

Friday 2/19:
Poor Dr. David Baby Stealer. That guy can't catch a break. Erica Kane has totally kidnapped him and tied him up. Albeit, he's loosely tied up but tied up just the same. I'm assuming this Erica/Hayward kidnapping was is directly related to the the Laves/Greensleeves kidnapping that happened in the past two days. Dr. Dave is sad and just wants to break away from those slack ropes and marry Greensleeves because she understands him and it's the closest thing he'll ever have to love. Except me.

Laves has got Greensleeves on lock down too, and he gets her all worked up and she faints and Funny Doc comes over to check on her and she's like, "Funny Doc, Laves has seriously got to chill. I mean, whatever, yeah, I'm still in love with him, but it's not happenin'." Yes, Greensleeves! Go to Hayward! It's what you (I) want!

Junior's got the cancer and needs some bone marrow and everyone is getting a swab to see if they can donate theirs to him. Except CrazAnnie. Junior's like, "Bish, please. I don't want none of your skank-a$$ bone marrow." So Grandad sends her home and she breaks a glass and Scott (for the zillionth time!) tells her it's over and then she finds a tire iron that NeoColby planted outside and she's totallllllllllly going loco this time! We've seen with CrazAnn can do with a tire iron and it ain't pretty. Get that room ready, Oak Haven. It's only a matter of time.

Next week: Brooke's back! (I'm convinced this is the lady that Grandad asked Tad to go find, just fyi). Thank goodness. Erica needs to get a little payback for the torture's she's putting my baby stealing, drugging, vengeful boyfriend through!

Preempted due to fabulousness

fabulous

Today's AMC recap is preempted due to the fabulousness of Johnny Weir. And yesterday's AMC recap was preempted to my own fabulousness and not technically being home to watch the show at any point.

See ya'lls tomorrow!

David Hayward would like his job back, thankyouverymuch!

Tuesday 2/16:
The hospital is a super bummer place to be today. Junior finds out that his chemo's not really working, so he needs a bone marrow transplant. For once Grandad's being a nosy, bossy guy is actually kinda helpful, because he's all about getting Junior that transplant. Go Grandad. Oh and PS we see a picture of the new "Lil' A" (who I'm heard will now be called AJ) and well, that kid is gonna be a handful. Ed Hardy t-shirts and everything.

Laves and Greensleeves talk and talk and talk some more. And Laves is smug. And Greensleeves is stubborn. And Laves is all, "You'd prefer to marry me instead of David Hayward." And Greensleeves is all, "Oh yeah? Just watch me not marry you and instead marry David!" So there, Lavery.

Turns out there was a janitor strike goin' on at hospital, and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff had to use the bag o' blackmail that Hayward had left behind for her to make the head of the union back off and thereby end the strike. A little good news, bad news, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff. Good news: strike is over. Bad news: Hayward TOTALLY saw you do that blackmailin' and now he's gonna flip it and blackmail you about it unless you give him his job back. Cold blooded, Dave. I'm normally a Hayward supporter no matter what, but I get a little upset when he messes with the Hubbards. Can't you go back to harassing Lavery? That's much more entertaining.

Most Awesome (Non) Wedding Ever (Part Two)

Monday 2/15:
Hayward's gettin' married to Greensleeves and everyone's there, and Greensleeves lifts up her bee keeper style veil and everybody's like, "ZOMG! You were supposed be dead! And you're marrying David Hayward! Weird!" Then Jackson runs in and he's like, "I'm so angry about this, don't marry David!" and then Laves runs in and he's like, "I'M so angry about this, don't marry David!" Police Chief hauls Hayward into the house for questioning or whatevs (which is totally unnecessary, cuz dude ain't done nothin' wrong except for be awesome) and then Laves kinda manhandles Greensleeves and generally acts a little self centered and stuff.

CrazAnnie, Grandad and Scott were apparently not invited to the wedding, which totally T.O.'s CrazAnnie, and naturally she crashes the wedding that didn't really happen because Lavery spoiled it. Lavery was still there spoiling everything and when CrazAnnie showed up and she saw Greenlee (her arch nemesis, remember?) and she kinda shruged it off but I'm pretty sure it's for certain- Annie is officially bringing Crazy back.

Greensleeves is all, "Why didn't you warn me everyone would hate me for trying to marry you, David Hayward?" and I'm all, "HE DID!!" and Hayward is super nice to her (because he's awesome) and Laves comes in and talks about how he owns Valentine's Day AND the full moon and that Greensleeves should marry him right then and there. Greensleeves, you've already crushed my spirit by not marrying David in the first place. Please don't go and marry that bossy Ryan Lavery . . . you . . . you're gonna do it, aren't you? Sigh, I figured.

Most Awesome Wedding Ever (Part One)

Gosh, you guys, I just . . . GOSH! I can't even recap I'm just so . . . GOSH! Hayward! Greenlee! Lavery!! It's just too much!!

When I get married, I'm totally going to dress like a bee keeper too.

Snow my gosh CrazAnnie and Scott made out!

Dude, you guys. Snow. Snow of epic proportions. Therefore much of today's episode was interrupted by a bunch people going "HOLY CRAP SNOWWWWWW" on the tv, but I definitely saw enough to get the gist of what's happenin' in the Pine Valley.

Wednesday 2/9:
We all knew Scott and CrazAnnie were a bunch of slut whores, didn't we? Well, today they proved it once again with some heavy making out. NeoColby totally saw the whole thing through the window and videotaped it with her phone (Phones can do that?) Blackmail's a beyotch, kids.

Grandad finally figures out that Junior's not a drunk and instead has the cancer again, and then Junior falls and bonks his head on the dresser and has to go to hospital. The whole fam gets there, and NuevoColby springs the old blackmail video on CrazAnnie and Scott and CrazAnnie breaks her phone. Dude, why would you show that to CrazAnnie? She's crazy enough to break your phone! Junior is okay, but not really, and he asks Scott to take care of Not Babe and Lil' A if anything bad happens. Scott's like, "By 'take care' do you mean 'make out with them'? Because if that's the case I can do that really well."

Jackson sees Greensleeves (HIS DAUGHTER who was presumed DEAD!) and he's like, "Greens, I'm so stoked you're alive. Let's call Lavery and tell him!" and she's like, "Naw, let's chill on that for a sec." She explains that Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer was the one who like, healed her, and he gets all grumpy and angry about that (something about Dr. Dave "playing God" or somethin') but then he chills out and Erica calls him and I'm pretty sure she's going to profess her undying love for him because they are the most awesome couple ever.

Laves finds out about Dr. Dave gettin' married on V-day, and he's SUPER pissed because he thinks he owns Valentime's Day on account of the fact that he one time was gonna get married on Valentime's Day but then Kendall ran his fiancee off the road on her motorcycle and everyone thought she died. So he goes over to WildWoodWind and is all, "You can't get married on V-day, Hayward!" and Hayward's all, "You're not the boss of me!" and then Laves socks him in the kisser. You think you're gonna ruin a wedding by punching Dave in the face, Laves? Jokes on you, guy, because the only thing sexier than a David Hayward is a David Hayward with a black eye.

OH MY GOSH SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Snow my goodness why is AMC always interrupted?

Take a good look. Because it's the last time you're ever going to see this.

It seems that the 1:15-1:45pm time slot is optimum for politicians to hold press conferences here in NYC. Yeah, I get it. Snow snow snow, but you couldn't wait until Oprah for that?!

Tuesday 2/9:
Dr. Dave is plannin' the wedding, Erica's pretty sure she should break up with Laves (yes, please, holy cow, please!), Colby's complaining about something or other, and Grandad thinks Junior's faking a cold, when, in fact dude, has the cancer again.

Then, Mayor Giuliani . . . er, Bloomberg, whatever, comes on the screen and it's all, "OH MY GOSH SNOW!!" and, bam, Colby's still complaining, Erica is for real breaking up with Laves, Grandad realizes Junior's not just a hypo and I'm pretty sure Scott and CrazAnnie are gonna go all the way . . . if you know what I mean. Oh and Greensleeves totally visits Jackson (HER FATHER!) in the WildWindWood Chapel. Dave, you should be careful about setting up those types of encounters with people who were presumed dead and their parents. You could give someone a heart attack that way.

Most importantly, you guys, EricAvery is no more. Oh sure, they talk about how "great they were as a couple" (Lies, all lies.) and at first the break up doesn't take, but finally they realize how wrong this has been for the past few months and call it quit. I once had a break up not take and I had to break up with the guy 3 times. I'm not even joking. Luckily, this only took one shot, and man, we've been waiting for it.

Jackson's Backson

Welcome back to The Valley, Jack! I've missed you so!

Monday 2/8:
Jackson shows up at Erica's crib and basically tells her everything all of us have been thinking for the past few months. Namely that Laves is lame and that it's icky that she's bangin' her grandson's father. He also tells her that the two of them should totes be together because their love burned bright with firey hot passion and they're a super duper couple. This makes Erica feel funny. Erica, drop the zero and get with the hero, like now.

Funny Doc has the worst plans ever. His name should be Captain Bad Plans. This week's Bad Plan includes lying about seeing Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer go to Fusion and destroy their computers. I mean, he DID do that, but Captain didn't see him, so he would be lying to the police and that's not a cool thing to do. The Gang talks him out of this and he gives a statement but the day's wrong and stuff, and then later he decides he's just going to make up a whole bunch of evidence against David to put him in jail. Creating evidence. Awesome. Way better than just lying to your friend, Police Chief Jesse Hubbard. Again, this is why you're Captain Bad Plans, Captain Bad Plans.

Police Chief uses Captain Bad Plans' mostly inaccurate statement to try to fool Dr. David into confessin to the Fusion thing, but you can't fake a faker and Dr. David's "Pfft, you're lying. Jake didn't see me there." and walks outta the police station. That guy rules.

Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer also rules because he's sensitive and romantic and bought Greensleeves some wedding dresses and they're totally falling in love, I can just tell. He invites The Gang to his wedding later this week and they're all completely befuddled because they didn't even know he had a gf, nonetheless a fiancee! Just wait until he marries a dead lady, you guys!

Chemistry Ain't Just a Class in High School

I'm a little late to the party on Friday's episode, but for reals ya'll, are we finally, FINALLY gettin' back to some awesomeness? It' all about chemistry, you guys. Some freaking chemistry. And I'm not talking about the horror show that is Ericavery. Ya dig?

Where there's smoke, there's Lavery.

Today may have been the first episode in a long while where actual "things" have happened. Rockin'.

Thursday 2/4:
Sooooo, Greensleeves got mad at the tv, threw the remote and it totes accidentally shut the flue on the fireplace. Fireplace gets smokey, Laves is at WildWindWood because he's planning on harassing Dr. Dave some more and (zoinks!) he hears the fire alarm. Firemen come, break down door (Laves was too wimpy to kick it in himself this time) but Greensleeves hides before anybody sees her.

Natalia is an awful, awful police person and questions Juno's Baby Daddy 'bout all the break ins even though she really shouldn't be doing that. Brot, who's acutally a good police person, gets Juno to call in Liza, but Baby Daddy still admits that he was hanging out in NeoColby's room while the last couple a' break ins were goin' down. Juno's really not stoked on this, and she leaves. It was nice knowin' ye, Juno. (I'm pretty sure today was her last day in the fair town of Pine Valley. i.e. Girlfriend's contract wasn't renewed.)

JR still has the Cancer, and NuevoColby comes over to bitch and somehow stops thinking about her self just long enough to finally figure out he's not just a drunk.

Randi's a total Debbie Downer about the whole Fusion being destroyed thing, but Madison rallies the troops to save the children! The company, I mean. Erica's likes Madison's spunk, and Randi needs stop being a huge beyotch.

Everyone is kinda sorta onto Dr. David Hayward Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer, but also kinda not (Because he is awesome and no one will ever get anything over on him. Ever.) Greensleeves wanted to leave PV yesterday, but today's she's all, "Psyche! Instead we're gonna piss people off and I'mma get my company back!" How's that gonna happen? Well, I'll tell you. Greensleeves and Dr. David Hayward are going to get . . . wait for it . . . married. They are getting married, my friends. The only thing more awesome than a Greenlee/Hayward marriage, would be a Melody/Hayward marriage and I'm told this is impossible because he's a fictional character and I am a for real person. It's the year 2010, though, so we'll see. We'll just see.

Backs and Hackers

Gosh, everyone is so mean to David Hayward these days! He's just trying to heal somebody who's been presumed dead for a year and now has a bad spine! Get off his back! (Back . . . get it? Greenlee? Back? Ehhhh?)

Tuesday 2/2:
Greensleeves sees Ericavery doing it and she instantly goes blind. Or not. Basically she's super grossed out like the rest of us, and tells Dr. David Baby Stealer she wants to go far, far away from Pine Valley (Malaysia it is!) except first they've got to steal a stick drive and destroy Fusion's computer system. Done and done!

Tad thinks he's so smart and tries to talk up Dr. Dave's Personal Pilot and get some secrets about the Dr. Dave situation, but DD's PP don't play that game. Funny Doc is kinda smart though, and switched out the shoebox that DD's PP was guarding. So now Funny Doc and Tad have a shoebox o' Greenlee drugs insteada just a regular shoebox o' shoes.

CrazAnnie's all up in Scott's "business" business, because he's doing budgets and she wants in on that. You're not fooling anyone CrazAnnie. Budgets are boring with a capital B. You just want to be near Scott. I know it, you know it, Grandad knows it. Keep it in your pants before he kicks you to the curb.

PS- Is it just me or were the hairdos on that band in the ad for the "Stagecoach" event a less "country music" and more "Jersey Shore?"

There are some things you can't unsee, Greenlee.

I'm so back, you guys. But wait, I leave for a week and everyone's hair's flat? I'm guessing we're in L.A. now, huh? That happens when I leave New York too.

Monday 2/1:
Everybody's busy kissin' everybody else. Funny Doc and 'Manda, Liza and Tad, but most importantly (i.e. grossest of all) Laves and Erica. Erica thinks their making out is so very important, that she calls a press conference at ConFusion to tell the papa-paparazzi about it. There really isn't ANYTHING else going on in Pine Valley that's news worthy?

On Friday, Greensleeves almost walked in on one-a these Ericavery makeout seshes, but Dr. Dave saves her at the last second from permanently destroying her retinas. He's all, "Don't go in there" and she's all, "Lavery has a girlfriend now doesn't he?!" and David's all, "shoulder shrug." He takes her to WildWindWood, and Tad totally sees him on his way there and that makes the Martin Bros get their panties in a bunch because that dude is back in town. They follow him there and threaten him and junk and are basically just super mean to my boyfriend. I know he lied to everybody about a bunch of things, but you leave my Dr. David Baby Stealer alone, boys. You hear me? Maybe if you guys were nicer to him, he wouldn't have to drug and kidnap for attention.

Laves and Erica head back to his joint, where they totes eat the dinner that was, I'm assuming, originally meant for Laves and Greensleeves. Those two fools then do it on the couch and Greensleeves shows up at the condo, and grabs the secret hidden key (by the way, nice hiding spot, Lavery. The plant in the hallway? Pfft.) and no Greenlee . . .don't. Please knock first. No Greelee. OH MY GOSH GREENLEE DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR! NOOOOOOOOOOO. And the damage is done.

Believe me, I feel your pain, Greensleeves. None of us have enjoyed their little tryst these past few months. Feel free to commence the "making Erica's life a living hell." We've missed you so.

On Hiatus, You Guys

Looks like my work has gotten all worky and stuff this week, so I'll need to take a quick hiatus from Paraphrasing Pine Valley.

I do have one thing to say, though: GREENLEE BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN!! "My man" being Hayward of course. Oh H to N, he's mine Greensleeves, and I like you too much to have to start hating you.

PS- All you folks who are Soap Cruisin' this week, have fun and tell Lavery I said hi!

The One Where Greenlee Walks

So yesterday there was a lot of hanky panky and some breaky wakey in the form of burgleries and stolen cars.

Thursday 1/21:
Grandad's got some big scheme he's scheming and he invites the fam over for a dinner party and everyone's all flipped out about it. Look guys, Col. Mustard, candlestick, library. Done.

Laves starts dreaming about Greensleeves and how they were gonna get wedded, until Reese kissed Zach and Greensleeves rode her motorbike off a cliff and then she died but not really. Apparently this makes him want to take trip with Erica, but she's all, "Child please. Why would I do that on the exact year anniversary of Greensleeve's death?" She's got a point, Laves.

Greensleeves can kinda walk right now. And that's good because Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer is going to pack her up and ship her back to Pine Valley by herself. See, nobody really digs Dr. Dave in PV anymore so he's movin' out . . . cuz if he's movin' up, he's movin' out. I'm pretty sure he's trading his Chevy for a Cadillacacacacacaca. He's leavin' Wildwood, er Wild Wind, and all those Pine Valley losers behind. I got a futon in Queens with your name on it, Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer. Think about it.

According to Soap Opera Weekly, tomorrow's the day that Tad and Liza do it! Is that honestly the "can't miss" moment of the week??? I mean, hooray for Tad, and love is great, but I could use some shooting and drugging right about now!

Happy Birthday, Ryan Lavery!

Today we celebrate the birth of the glorious Ryan Lavery!! Happy birthday, Laves!! May you get all of the bicep revealing turtlenecks your heart desires! Huzzah!

Tuesday 1/19:
Grandad's out of hospital, and CrazAnnie's totes worried he's not letting on just how sick he is. NeoColby is way too self centered to give a s**t just how ill he might be. Instead she's all "reverse- Parent Trap" about it, trying to break up Grandad's marriage up and everyone is kind of annoyed at her antics.

It's Ryan Lavery's birthday!! Why didn't I get the day off of work? His birthday kinda has him down, and he visits Emma and then gets so wasted at ConFusion Madison has to take him home (Sounds like every birthday I've ever had, Lavery. Minus the visit to the kid.) Erica Kane has set up a lovely candlelit dinner surprise (actually, Opal has) for Laves at his condo and there's a bunch of "Do we like like each other, or just like each other? Or do we like like like each other?" junk which is seriously exhausting. No amount of "tee hee, I don't want to reveal my true feelings" stuff is going to make me believe that these two should be a couple. You hear me, ABC?

Guess what? Jake's Barbados Baby's father. Hooray, right? Well, JR was kinda bummed, because he loves kids and who wouldn't want that adorable worable wittle bitty muffin to be their child? Meanwhile in Malaysia, Massachusettes, Greensleeves has convinced Dr. David Hayward Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer to go back to Pine Valley and tell everyone the truth. He happens upon Not Babe at hospital and confesses, and for once girlfriend is super pissed about all of his dying, not dying, my baby, not my baby nonsense. Way to finally get some lady cojones, Not Babe!

Dr. Dave goes to Jake and Amanda's place and he's like, "I'm not the father and I'm not dying." And they punch him!! Both of 'em! They pop him right in the kisser! And you know what? He freaking shakes it off. That's my man. That's my baby stealing, DNA hiding, not actually dying evil doctor! Now, here, let me console you.

Fusion Marketing: Ripped From The Headlines

Did everyone see those "marketing" posters on the walls in Fusion? "Fusion: Twilight" and "Fusion: Going Rouge." Going Rouge! Going. Rouge!

Monday 1/18:
Erica Kane has the charity itch again and she needs somethin' to scratch it. Also, her marketing department has super lame ideas that revolve around vampires and Sarah Palin. She tells Randi and her assistant (Oh, Val!) to tell marketing to get their heads out of their bottoms and to think up something snappy! Madison comes up with the awesome idea to do a campaign where they give the money to a charity. Man, what a coincidence! Erica lurves this idea, and Madison gives Randi all the credit because Madison is now insecure and boring.

Inspector Greensleeves figures out that Barbados Baby isn't Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer's for reals kid. Gosh, she good. Dr. Dave tells her it's because all he ever wanted was a family and he's super t.o.'d that Funny Doc and Amanda did all that stuff to make him think Barbados Baby wasn't his (including a fake funeral!) and then he was his and now he's not his again. Dr. Hayward, I have a solution for this. Marry me. Whatever, I know you're a fictional character and I technically have a fiance of my own, but we could have the best fake marriage ever! We could even have a fake baby! And . . . sorry I'm even creeping myself out.

Anyhoo, Junior and Funny Doc get swabbed for the DNA tests and tomorrow we'll find out the truth! That Amanda is a huge tramp.

Duh!

Today's episode had a lot of crazy leaps of logic and a French house painter.

Friday 1/15:
Grandad's in hospital and he's getting heart surgery. Everyone seems super shocked at this, despite the fact the dude has had like 8 heart attacks/collapses in the past 2 months.

Tad's getting his house painted by some Frenchy named Pierre (that's original) who hired Juno's lame-o boyfriend to work with him. Tad totes saves Lame-o's a$$ when he slacks off on the job, and then gets to second base with Liza. Go Tad!

Greensleeves figures out instantly that Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer told everyone he was dying and that he's totally lying about it. Get her on the PVPD, like, now! We coulda had that "Who Shot Stuart?" wrapped up in day with her on the team!

Turns out none of Hayward's kin have his hereditary fake disease which is seriously weird, because given the statistics one of 'em shoulda had it. Funny Doc's like, "He's totes lying then" but Not Babe's like, "My Dad wouldn't lie to me!" and I'm like, "Have you ever even watched this television program you're on, Not Babe?" Then Not Babe's all, "Maybe he's not Barbados Baby's father." So they find Hayward's hairbrush to run a DNA test . . . and the previews tell us Funny Doc is for reals the father. Sigh. This exhausts me.

Okay, look, here's the deal. I want Funny Doc to be happy. I want Amanda to be happy. But is it even physically possible for him to be the baby daddy? Is she really that much of a slutball that she slept with Hayward, JR AND Funny Doc all in the same week?!! And then forgot about it? That kid is JR's and I know it and you know it and Chuck Pratt knows it.

But that's not even the silliest thing, you guys. There's no way on God's green earth that David Hayward would EVER use a hairbrush. And he definitely wouldn't use a giant paddle brush. He's clearly a wide-toothed comb with a little bit of product for hold kinda guy. Trust me, I've seen that head of hair in person, and it's gorgeous. A brush just wouldn't do it justice.

Annie's Lap Dance of Death

Thursday 1/14:
Yesterday, Madison walked in on Erica and Laves smoochin'. She has a stronger constitution than I, because she didn't dry heave or anything, basically she just left the room. Still those two are paranoid (and kinda self centered, no?) so Erica gives Madison the old, "We're just friends" schpeil. See, Laves and Erica have decided to keep this whole thing on the DL, they don't want anyone to gossip. So they decide to go to dinner at ConFusion. Sure, no one will see you at the only bar in town.

At ConFusion Opal tells Lave he's gonna get a call from someone in his past. Remember this, you guys, it's very important.

CrazAnnie decided to give Grandad a lap dance, and I guess it was "Too Hot For Grandad" because he totally collapsed and had to go to the hospital. Peeping Scott watched the whole darn thing through the window (gross!) so he and Crazy and Colby and Liza (who had come over to give Colby the what for about her "I'mma break up CrazAnnie and Grandad" plot) went to the hospital, Annie still in her negligee. Grandad's gonna be fine . . . I think. I was a little distracted by CrazAnnie's rack.

Up dere in Massachusetts, Greensleeves just wants to know if her legs work. Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer would prefer to just play Gin Rummy, but he obliges and does the whole "This Little Piggy" thing on her and whatdoyouknow, she can feel her foot! She's still not outta the woods yet (we still have to milk this storyline for a month or so), but she calls Lavery (Ding ding ding! Hooary Opal!) but he misses it because he's too busy gallivanting with Erica. She doesn't leave a message, though, because Dr. David is right (just like always) and she shouldn't talk to Lavery 'till her legs are better.

Is it just me, or has Madison who's gone from 0 to 60 in the "delicate flower" department. (Or would it be 60 to 0?) I mean, I get it- abusive father and junk, but why they gotta make her so tragic now? She was so spunky before, now she's just . . . there. I want my knickknack wielding, martini drinking, trust fund gambling Madison back!