A picture's worth a thousand naked Lizas

Reason #1 July is awesome- it's the Aiden Turner month on my "Men of Pine Valley" calendar. Oh Aiden, I've missed your chisled jaw.

Thursday 7/1:
Funny Doc and Amanda arrive back from their glamorous tropical honeymoon in the New York City, and they've brought bagels and coffee! Was it just me, or were they eating those bagels in a really weird way? I am led to believe they have never eaten bagels before. I bet it's a South Beach Diet kinda thing. Anyhoo, Amanda's a Snoopy McSnooperson and she goes through Juno's Baby Daddy's phone while he's being polite and getting junk out of her car for her. She sees the half nakey photos of Liza and gets all upset and stuff because I guess blackmail's unethical. Please, Amanda, like you've never taken covert photos of your birth father's girlfriend because she tried to seduce you and prevent you from dating her daughter.

Speaking of Liza's daughter, NeoColby got that fake internship from the fake fashion designer in NYC. This means she and Juno's Baby Daddy can move to the big city together and do adult things!! How fun! Not so fast, girlfriend. Juno's Baby Daddy can't even say "I love you, too" to you, why in the world would he want to move in with you? Plus he's got free health care and bagels in Pine Valley. And you're sometimes overbearing and kind of a drag. This is not a judgment, just an observation. NeoColby freaks out and assumes that Juno's Baby Daddy is cheating on her and she wants Tad (HIS FATHER!) to use his detective skills and investigate. Paranoid, party of one. Your table's ready.

Dr. David Baby Stealer and Greensleeves had a great night of gettin' busy, and everything's blissful and lovey and they take a walk in the park (the REAL park, like outside and stuff. Not that fake park everyone's usually hangin' out in.) Naturally, the workout twins, Madison and Lavery, ruin the whole scene with their sports accessories and leg cramps. Dr. David Baby Stealer is cold as ice, but Greensleeves is a little thrown off, understandably so, as Lavery's tank top was a little alarming. After the four part ways, Lavery invites Madison to New York City with him next week for some junk or somethin' and Madison's all, "Of COURSE I'll be in a New York City montage with you!"

$10 says there's a good long twirling scene next week with those two fools.

Tuesday

Today we learned how Lavery works out his abs.

Enjoy your Tuesday!

Tad the Cad's a Dad . . . again

Man oh man, I've been gone for a while! See, there was life stuff, then work stuff, then more life stuff, then work-like stuff, then Daylight Savings happened and I ended up accidentally taping One Life to Live for two days.

Thursday 3/18:
Remember how Tad was a big slut whore back in the day? Well, turns out he was a slut whore approximately 19 years ago, and Juno's Baby Daddy's his son. (I totally called it.) So Tad's all worked up about missing most of his kid's life, and he keeps trying to get in touch with his kid's moms, but moms totes went to Europe, probably because she didn't really feel like discussing the whole "That kid's your kid, but he thinks his step dad's really his dad instead of his step dad" thing. Understandable. Tad blames Liza for spooking her, but I blame Tad for his incessant calling of kid's moms. On top of all that Tad likes Krystal again, or at least he seems like he does, and that makes Liza all mopey. Also, Juno's Baby's Daddy's a d**k. I'm guessing because his mother's a liar and a tramp.

Greensleeves is doin' a ad campaign for her new makeup that makes you look like you're not wearing makeup (Which, to me, completely negates the purpose of makeup. I'm a gal who wears blue eyeshadow and bright red lipstick together, though, so what do I know?) For the location, Madison suggests the casino, which Laves totally bought yesterday. Greensleeves doesn't know that Madison knows that Laves owns the casino . . . and Zach doesn't know Laves owns the casino either . . . uh, whatever the whole casino makeup campaign is a convoluted attempt for Laves to make Greensleeves get wit' him.

Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer is hidin' out in Grandad's mansion. He needs a place to hide, and Grandad's heart is on the fritz again so it's a match made in heaven. This kinda makes Grandad all weird and secretive, and naturally CrazAnnie starts to lose it and thinks that somehow it's all a big Brooke thingy. She shuffles her slippered feet down the halls of Grandad's tunnels (not a euphemism, I promise) and . . . EEK! Who's there?!! Guess we'll find out tomorrow! (It's definitely David.)

PS- Is Greenlee's wardrobe now being sponsored by exposed zippers? I mean, exposed zippers are hot right now, but it's a little excessive. Give her buttons or snaps or velcro or something!

Maniac Monday

It's Monday! And I'm not really sure who's the biggest Maniac in Pine Valley today . . . NeoColby for toying with a crazy lady or CrazAnnie for being a crazy lady. Nah, the answer is definitely Laves. It's always Laves.

Monday 2/22:
Laves totes overheard Greensleeves (who's got a birthday today!) talkin' to Funny Doc and he decides that maybe he shouldn't be so pushy with this whole making her love him thing. Sting was right, kid. Somehow though, I feel like you haven't yet learned this lesson. You don't have a great track record with the "not being pushy" deal. But we'll see.

Dr. Mrs. Police Chief is sad about how much her job kinda sucks. With the blackmailing/not blackmailing and junk, she's been super testy recently, so Police Chief stops by hospital so he can whisk her away and they can "reconnect," if you know what I mean. This leaves Mittens in charge, and man, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief has a really tough job. There was this other doc who had this one emergency (which he kinda didn't really make seem like an emergency) and the guy's patient totally died because Dr. Mrs. Police Chief wasn't there to approve the surgery and Mittens didn't call her in time to have her approve the surgery! That sucks.

Juno's not comin' back to PV. I think we all kinda knew that, but today Juno's Baby Daddy confirmed it. Also confirmed Juno's Baby Daddy's DNA totes matched the DNA from all those break ins. DNA don't mean squat in this town, though.

Grandad finds out it was NuevoColby who planted the tire iron that made CrazAnnie go a little bit loco, and he also kinda finds out that Scott won't just stop lustin' after his darn wife. He's really t.o.'d and he reads 'em all the riot act. Grandad's all, "Keep it in your pants Scott! And stop being a brat Colby!" Then he gives Tad a big briefcase o' cash to go "find" "a person" who might be a "match" for "JR" and his "bone marrow." Secret love child, anyone? No . . . seriously. I'm pretty sure it's his secret love child.

Most Awesome Wedding Ever (Part One)

Gosh, you guys, I just . . . GOSH! I can't even recap I'm just so . . . GOSH! Hayward! Greenlee! Lavery!! It's just too much!!

When I get married, I'm totally going to dress like a bee keeper too.

Snow my gosh CrazAnnie and Scott made out!

Dude, you guys. Snow. Snow of epic proportions. Therefore much of today's episode was interrupted by a bunch people going "HOLY CRAP SNOWWWWWW" on the tv, but I definitely saw enough to get the gist of what's happenin' in the Pine Valley.

Wednesday 2/9:
We all knew Scott and CrazAnnie were a bunch of slut whores, didn't we? Well, today they proved it once again with some heavy making out. NeoColby totally saw the whole thing through the window and videotaped it with her phone (Phones can do that?) Blackmail's a beyotch, kids.

Grandad finally figures out that Junior's not a drunk and instead has the cancer again, and then Junior falls and bonks his head on the dresser and has to go to hospital. The whole fam gets there, and NuevoColby springs the old blackmail video on CrazAnnie and Scott and CrazAnnie breaks her phone. Dude, why would you show that to CrazAnnie? She's crazy enough to break your phone! Junior is okay, but not really, and he asks Scott to take care of Not Babe and Lil' A if anything bad happens. Scott's like, "By 'take care' do you mean 'make out with them'? Because if that's the case I can do that really well."

Jackson sees Greensleeves (HIS DAUGHTER who was presumed DEAD!) and he's like, "Greens, I'm so stoked you're alive. Let's call Lavery and tell him!" and she's like, "Naw, let's chill on that for a sec." She explains that Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer was the one who like, healed her, and he gets all grumpy and angry about that (something about Dr. Dave "playing God" or somethin') but then he chills out and Erica calls him and I'm pretty sure she's going to profess her undying love for him because they are the most awesome couple ever.

Laves finds out about Dr. Dave gettin' married on V-day, and he's SUPER pissed because he thinks he owns Valentime's Day on account of the fact that he one time was gonna get married on Valentime's Day but then Kendall ran his fiancee off the road on her motorcycle and everyone thought she died. So he goes over to WildWoodWind and is all, "You can't get married on V-day, Hayward!" and Hayward's all, "You're not the boss of me!" and then Laves socks him in the kisser. You think you're gonna ruin a wedding by punching Dave in the face, Laves? Jokes on you, guy, because the only thing sexier than a David Hayward is a David Hayward with a black eye.

OH MY GOSH SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Jackson's Backson

Welcome back to The Valley, Jack! I've missed you so!

Monday 2/8:
Jackson shows up at Erica's crib and basically tells her everything all of us have been thinking for the past few months. Namely that Laves is lame and that it's icky that she's bangin' her grandson's father. He also tells her that the two of them should totes be together because their love burned bright with firey hot passion and they're a super duper couple. This makes Erica feel funny. Erica, drop the zero and get with the hero, like now.

Funny Doc has the worst plans ever. His name should be Captain Bad Plans. This week's Bad Plan includes lying about seeing Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer go to Fusion and destroy their computers. I mean, he DID do that, but Captain didn't see him, so he would be lying to the police and that's not a cool thing to do. The Gang talks him out of this and he gives a statement but the day's wrong and stuff, and then later he decides he's just going to make up a whole bunch of evidence against David to put him in jail. Creating evidence. Awesome. Way better than just lying to your friend, Police Chief Jesse Hubbard. Again, this is why you're Captain Bad Plans, Captain Bad Plans.

Police Chief uses Captain Bad Plans' mostly inaccurate statement to try to fool Dr. David into confessin to the Fusion thing, but you can't fake a faker and Dr. David's "Pfft, you're lying. Jake didn't see me there." and walks outta the police station. That guy rules.

Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer also rules because he's sensitive and romantic and bought Greensleeves some wedding dresses and they're totally falling in love, I can just tell. He invites The Gang to his wedding later this week and they're all completely befuddled because they didn't even know he had a gf, nonetheless a fiancee! Just wait until he marries a dead lady, you guys!

Chemistry Ain't Just a Class in High School

I'm a little late to the party on Friday's episode, but for reals ya'll, are we finally, FINALLY gettin' back to some awesomeness? It' all about chemistry, you guys. Some freaking chemistry. And I'm not talking about the horror show that is Ericavery. Ya dig?

Where there's smoke, there's Lavery.

Today may have been the first episode in a long while where actual "things" have happened. Rockin'.

Thursday 2/4:
Sooooo, Greensleeves got mad at the tv, threw the remote and it totes accidentally shut the flue on the fireplace. Fireplace gets smokey, Laves is at WildWindWood because he's planning on harassing Dr. Dave some more and (zoinks!) he hears the fire alarm. Firemen come, break down door (Laves was too wimpy to kick it in himself this time) but Greensleeves hides before anybody sees her.

Natalia is an awful, awful police person and questions Juno's Baby Daddy 'bout all the break ins even though she really shouldn't be doing that. Brot, who's acutally a good police person, gets Juno to call in Liza, but Baby Daddy still admits that he was hanging out in NeoColby's room while the last couple a' break ins were goin' down. Juno's really not stoked on this, and she leaves. It was nice knowin' ye, Juno. (I'm pretty sure today was her last day in the fair town of Pine Valley. i.e. Girlfriend's contract wasn't renewed.)

JR still has the Cancer, and NuevoColby comes over to bitch and somehow stops thinking about her self just long enough to finally figure out he's not just a drunk.

Randi's a total Debbie Downer about the whole Fusion being destroyed thing, but Madison rallies the troops to save the children! The company, I mean. Erica's likes Madison's spunk, and Randi needs stop being a huge beyotch.

Everyone is kinda sorta onto Dr. David Hayward Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer, but also kinda not (Because he is awesome and no one will ever get anything over on him. Ever.) Greensleeves wanted to leave PV yesterday, but today's she's all, "Psyche! Instead we're gonna piss people off and I'mma get my company back!" How's that gonna happen? Well, I'll tell you. Greensleeves and Dr. David Hayward are going to get . . . wait for it . . . married. They are getting married, my friends. The only thing more awesome than a Greenlee/Hayward marriage, would be a Melody/Hayward marriage and I'm told this is impossible because he's a fictional character and I am a for real person. It's the year 2010, though, so we'll see. We'll just see.

Backs and Hackers

Gosh, everyone is so mean to David Hayward these days! He's just trying to heal somebody who's been presumed dead for a year and now has a bad spine! Get off his back! (Back . . . get it? Greenlee? Back? Ehhhh?)

Tuesday 2/2:
Greensleeves sees Ericavery doing it and she instantly goes blind. Or not. Basically she's super grossed out like the rest of us, and tells Dr. David Baby Stealer she wants to go far, far away from Pine Valley (Malaysia it is!) except first they've got to steal a stick drive and destroy Fusion's computer system. Done and done!

Tad thinks he's so smart and tries to talk up Dr. Dave's Personal Pilot and get some secrets about the Dr. Dave situation, but DD's PP don't play that game. Funny Doc is kinda smart though, and switched out the shoebox that DD's PP was guarding. So now Funny Doc and Tad have a shoebox o' Greenlee drugs insteada just a regular shoebox o' shoes.

CrazAnnie's all up in Scott's "business" business, because he's doing budgets and she wants in on that. You're not fooling anyone CrazAnnie. Budgets are boring with a capital B. You just want to be near Scott. I know it, you know it, Grandad knows it. Keep it in your pants before he kicks you to the curb.

PS- Is it just me or were the hairdos on that band in the ad for the "Stagecoach" event a less "country music" and more "Jersey Shore?"

There are some things you can't unsee, Greenlee.

I'm so back, you guys. But wait, I leave for a week and everyone's hair's flat? I'm guessing we're in L.A. now, huh? That happens when I leave New York too.

Monday 2/1:
Everybody's busy kissin' everybody else. Funny Doc and 'Manda, Liza and Tad, but most importantly (i.e. grossest of all) Laves and Erica. Erica thinks their making out is so very important, that she calls a press conference at ConFusion to tell the papa-paparazzi about it. There really isn't ANYTHING else going on in Pine Valley that's news worthy?

On Friday, Greensleeves almost walked in on one-a these Ericavery makeout seshes, but Dr. Dave saves her at the last second from permanently destroying her retinas. He's all, "Don't go in there" and she's all, "Lavery has a girlfriend now doesn't he?!" and David's all, "shoulder shrug." He takes her to WildWindWood, and Tad totally sees him on his way there and that makes the Martin Bros get their panties in a bunch because that dude is back in town. They follow him there and threaten him and junk and are basically just super mean to my boyfriend. I know he lied to everybody about a bunch of things, but you leave my Dr. David Baby Stealer alone, boys. You hear me? Maybe if you guys were nicer to him, he wouldn't have to drug and kidnap for attention.

Laves and Erica head back to his joint, where they totes eat the dinner that was, I'm assuming, originally meant for Laves and Greensleeves. Those two fools then do it on the couch and Greensleeves shows up at the condo, and grabs the secret hidden key (by the way, nice hiding spot, Lavery. The plant in the hallway? Pfft.) and no Greenlee . . .don't. Please knock first. No Greelee. OH MY GOSH GREENLEE DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR! NOOOOOOOOOOO. And the damage is done.

Believe me, I feel your pain, Greensleeves. None of us have enjoyed their little tryst these past few months. Feel free to commence the "making Erica's life a living hell." We've missed you so.

Duh!

Today's episode had a lot of crazy leaps of logic and a French house painter.

Friday 1/15:
Grandad's in hospital and he's getting heart surgery. Everyone seems super shocked at this, despite the fact the dude has had like 8 heart attacks/collapses in the past 2 months.

Tad's getting his house painted by some Frenchy named Pierre (that's original) who hired Juno's lame-o boyfriend to work with him. Tad totes saves Lame-o's a$$ when he slacks off on the job, and then gets to second base with Liza. Go Tad!

Greensleeves figures out instantly that Dr. David Baby Stealer Greenlee Healer told everyone he was dying and that he's totally lying about it. Get her on the PVPD, like, now! We coulda had that "Who Shot Stuart?" wrapped up in day with her on the team!

Turns out none of Hayward's kin have his hereditary fake disease which is seriously weird, because given the statistics one of 'em shoulda had it. Funny Doc's like, "He's totes lying then" but Not Babe's like, "My Dad wouldn't lie to me!" and I'm like, "Have you ever even watched this television program you're on, Not Babe?" Then Not Babe's all, "Maybe he's not Barbados Baby's father." So they find Hayward's hairbrush to run a DNA test . . . and the previews tell us Funny Doc is for reals the father. Sigh. This exhausts me.

Okay, look, here's the deal. I want Funny Doc to be happy. I want Amanda to be happy. But is it even physically possible for him to be the baby daddy? Is she really that much of a slutball that she slept with Hayward, JR AND Funny Doc all in the same week?!! And then forgot about it? That kid is JR's and I know it and you know it and Chuck Pratt knows it.

But that's not even the silliest thing, you guys. There's no way on God's green earth that David Hayward would EVER use a hairbrush. And he definitely wouldn't use a giant paddle brush. He's clearly a wide-toothed comb with a little bit of product for hold kinda guy. Trust me, I've seen that head of hair in person, and it's gorgeous. A brush just wouldn't do it justice.

Limbo into my heart, Jake Martin

So on Friday a buncha courty things happened and now CrazAnnie and Laves have joint custody of Emma. Again, a dance marathon takes two weeks in Pine Valley, but a custody hearing takes an hour. Suuuurre.

Monday 1/11:
Yeah, Laves now has to share custody of Emma with her crazy mother. Complete bummer because well, Annie Crazy. So Emma goes to hang out at Castle Grandad for a week and CrazAnnie crowns her princess of the Chandler Empire, and NeoColby's all "Hey, that's my tiara!"

I guess Jake and Amanda had a fight on Friday (shocker) so Jake, back to his old funny self, woos her with tubas and the limbo. It totally works (even Liza and Tad were feelin' the effects!) until Dr. David Hayward calls Amanda from "Malaysia" to tell her how the "treatments" are going for his "fatal illness" and totes spoils the mood. That dude can mess up someone's day from miles away and that, my friends, is truly a gift.

Meanwhile, NOT in Malaysia, it's Greensleeves' big day for surgery . . . but then it's not . . . but then I guess it is because Hot Doc gets all dressed up in his surgery clothes. They roll her over and she has sexy dreams about Laves, but then she flatlines and they perform CPR and then she's fine. Again, two weeks of people dancing and Greenlee's surgery takes less than 10 minutes?! And what the French did they do CPR for? She had one of those oxygen mouth thingies! They at least shoulda pulled out the electromagnetic zapper paddles to bring her back to life. Good thing this episode featured casual David Hayward in a cozy sweater, otherwise, you woulda lost me, AMC.

Owie my head.

Dude to headache. Paraphrasing Pine Valley's recap has been canceled today. There's not that much to recap, since it was basically a bunch of talking about stuff that's already happened. And making out. There was a lot of making out.

Here's my favorite picture of Laves:

Hayley's Comments

I tried for 20 minutes to upload a picture of Kelly Ripa onto this blog post. I also tried 20 minutes trying to figure out a better pun on "Halley's Comet." Lame on both accounts. You know who isn't lame? Hayley. Hayley rules and I've missed her and that hot hunk of man she's married to.

Monday 1/4/10:
2010!! Holy crap 2010!! Holy crap, Hayley's back! She and Mateo and their tv crew (she's on a tv show in L.A., 'member?) fly their helicopter right on to Grandad's back yard, right in the middle of his second weddin' because they are super bad a$$. See, they're in Pine Valley because gonna film a show about how absolutely awesome it is. Needless to say, Hayley isn't thrilled that her father marrying a psychotic, stabby, brother killin', young chick for the second time. I don't think anyone is thrilled about this. In fact, I've never seen a more pissed off looking group of people at a wedding.

Meanwhile, in a place not nearly as awesome as Pine Valley, Dr. David Baby Stealer tells Greenlee about how she's been asleep for a year, everyone thinks she's dead, and dag, her legs don't work. She could have a surgery for her legs, but she may sorta die. (What was that about not freaking her out immediately upon waking, Dave?) So Greens is torn. Does she call Laves and drop this whole "I'm not really dead" bomb on him and then go and die from the surgery? That would seriously blow. Or does she just not tell him and then well . . . I guess that's it. Greenlee reminds herself about how he's always really dug her and she's all, "Ryan's always gonna love me. Totally."

Back in Pine Valley, Laves isn't thinkin' one bit about Greenlee. Instead he's feeling up Erica Kane and generally being all Lavery about it.

Madison's Creepy Dad is put on trial for being a big abusive jerk, and he's gonna plead not guilty but then Madison totally blackmails him so he pleads guilty instead. I hope that's your last act of blackmailin', Madison. Good girls don't blackmail.

Duuuude! Who's stoked for the 40th Anniversary Spectacular tomorrow?!!! I just wished they could resurrect Leo. I've always preferred a little Leo with my Greenlee

It's a Nice Day for a White/Still In a Coma Wedding

Wednesday 12/30:
Liza bailed Tad outta jail, so naturally Tad returned back to the scene of the crime to figure out what Nurse Gayle and Dr. David Greenlee Stealer are hiding once and for all. Not so fast, Taddy Boy. Dr. Dave has a very logical explanation about Massachusetts being the only place he can get his illegal drugs for his fake fatal illness. Naturally. Tad still thinks somethin' up, and Liza, well, she's a horrible lawyer so they leave and go back to Pine Valley.

Dude, Opal's got those visions again. Opal's visions are not to be messed with. She keeps seeing Emma with a bright light around her. Spooooooky.

Greenlee is asleep and then not asleep and then asleep again, and she totes thinks it's her wedding day and keeps asking where Laves is. Nurse Gayle's all "Dude, Dave. You gotta keep her awake and tell her what's up." Dr. Dave's like, "Fine." and the wakes her up and Greenlee's like, "I'm getting married." And he's like, "Yeah, not really. You've been asleep for a long @$$ time." And she's like, "That didn't happen." And he's like, "Yeah, it did. It happens all the time. It's called a coma."

At Grandad's Castle it's for reals someone's wedding day. Well, someone's for reals second wedding day. Someones' second but kinda their first since the groom passed out the first time wedding day . . . whatever, Grandad and CrazAnnie are renewing their vows. CrazAnnie wants to make the day extra special, so she gets a court order for Emma to attend this monstrosity. Kids love being forced to do stuff. Laves is t.o.'d and he shows up at the second first second wedding too, because this is super uncool. Opal shows up and she's like "Ack! Bad visions! Emma!" And everyone starts arguing and Emma slips outside (keep an eye on your kid, Laves) and whatdoyaknow- there's a bright light around Emma! And wind. And noises and holy crap, aliens! Aliens have come to take Emma to space because her parents are clearly unfit. Nope, no, sorry, actually it's just a helicopter. A helicopter with something way better than aliens- HAYLEY!!

The Day Zach Slater Left Town

I've missed you! I've missed Pine Valley! I've missed Dr. David Hayward . . . and ConFusion . . . I've even missed Laves! I've really missed you, Zach Slater. So glad Kendall's back and you guys are together and I'll get to see so much more of you now.

Wait, what?

Tuesday 12/29:
Greenlee's wakin' up. Kinda sorta. She said, "mumble mumble Ryan mumblemumble" to Nurse Gayle and Gayle tells Dr. David this and he's like, "Ryan? Gosh I hate that guy. I'mma put her back under, cool?" Oh yeah, and Tad arrives at the bar with the hospital room in the back (where Greens is), and is totally going to crack this case but Hayward sees him and has his heiny arrested.

Erica Kane stops by Grandad's for some reason or another, and CrazAnnie was just finishing up a pilates sesh with Sven. Erica's all, "I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO DO PILATES! BEYOTCH!" And CrazAnnie's like, "Pfsst. Evs, Erica. I'm going to get custody of Emma." Then Laves stops by and he's like, "Can't we just have that joint custody thingy?" And Grandad's like, "Naw, let's send Emma to boarding school." Grandad probably thinks this is 1838 back when people did stuff like that. You know, back when he was Emma's age. I kid, I kid. Anyhoo, the prospect of CrazAnnie having custody of anything is very troubling to just about everyone, so Laves agrees to let the courts decide and then Grandad bribes/not bribes a judge. (Did he bribe that guy? I can't tell. Am I no longer hip to Grandad's subtleties in regards to his corruption of the judicial system? Have I been gone that long?)

Zach and Kendall are finally back in Pine Valley and all is right with the world. Except not. Zach Slater (aka Thorsten Kaye) is totally not moving to L.A. because he's worried he might run into Heidi and Spencer and those "Hills" fools and just have to unleash the wrath of Zach on them. Or maybe he's staying because his partner, Susan Haskell, is on One Life to Live (a popular daytime drama people really like and one that has decent writing . . . but that's just what Soap Opera Digest tells me.) and it's filmed in NYC and he wants to stay with his honey. Either way today was the last Zach Slater episode forever. Or not. As we all know "forever" really isn't forever in soap land.

I'm gonna miss you Zach. I'm gonna miss your wavy dark hair and your manliness and your poetry and the way you don't take nothing from nobody. I will still invoke your memory here in the Paraphrasing Pine Valley apartment . . . er offices, by saying things like, "Not gonna happen!" in your accent, and telling people that "The Boys should be with their mother." Joking aside, daytime drama loses a fantastic character today. Come back to Pine Valley soon, Zach Slater. Even if it's for a day or two.

Once more around the block, Judd Nelson!

I mean Judge Nelson.

Have you heard of 5 Hour Energy shots? It's the stuff you can buy in any drugstore, and it's supposed to keep you awake and alert when you have important things to do, like important work things? Well, don't take them. No one told me 5 Hour Energy was made of pure evil, so this means I watched AMC at an embarrassingly late/early time of night/morning yesterday. After scrawling some notes in a daze of caffeine and ringing ears, I could only decipher the following.

"I love David Hayward. Where's David Hayward? I miss David Hayward." (Creepy, Melody.)

"I think Pine Valley needs more fire breathing dragons." (Weird, Melody.)

"They need to re-cast Jesse McCartney but now as Lil' A (isn't it about time that kid went through a dramatic soap aging?) and then whenever Lil' A and JR are in scenes together, they can just stare at each other all confused like. No dialogue. Just weird, 'Don't I know you?' stares." (This is a brilliant idea, Melody and I wish you'd had the cognitive ability to articulate it more effectively. Let's think more about this.)

Moving on . . .

Tuesday 12/15:
Erica went to visit Madison at the Miranda Center, but yesterday (when I was in a daze) Randi took her to that broke down motel where she took the stealed baby that one time. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff shows up at the Miranda center too and Erica has her psychiatry pants on today and she's totes backing Madison and wants to get her away from that super Creepy McCreeperson father of hers. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff is a little like, "Mmmm, I dunno. She killed her husband and terrorized my family." But then she comes around and she's like "Well, Madison's dad super creeps me out. Let's do something about him."

Mittens doesn't like Madison's dad either, and yesterday he punched him in the face (so glad his sexy hands are working again!) and Police Chief totes arrested him, but then Mittens apologized (he didn't want to, though) and didn't have to go to for real jail and then Randi shows up and tells Mad's Dad about how Madison's at the broke down motel. Dude, Randi! What have you done?!

So it's CrazAnnie's trial, and she's representing herself and she's all, "Objection!" and the D.A.'s all, "Objection!" and Erica Kane's all, "Objection!" and I swear, these courtroom scenes are driving me up the wall. Judd Nelson, whatever, Judge Nelson . . . he might as well be Mr. "Breakfast Club" because he doesn't do anything very judge-like! It was all just a mess of un-lawyerly like conduct. Finally, CrazAnnie puts herself on the stand and then Grandad (who is in fact, not on the stand and should not be talking in a courtroom) is like, "I totes knew I killed my brother, and I lied and junk!" and everyone freaks out and I swear Judge Wapner would never ever allow this.

Mad's Dad shows up at the broke down motel and he tries to take her home and Brot and Mittens show up and Erica shows up and we all have pretty much decided that he's no good. Whether or not Madison's going to stand up to him remains to be seen, but if anyone is going to put that guy in his place it's Erica Kane. Don't mess with her, guy, she does Pilates. And she's Erica Kane.

The One with the Plant

Pretty low key day in Pine Valley, huh?

Friday 12/11:
Tad the Cad's got to bad for Liza and he brings her a plant, because he's sweet like that. Jake's there and stuff, and he tells Tad about how was he was kinda mean to Dr. David Baby Stealer and Amanda saw and she was pissed that he'd act like that to a "dying" dude. So Tad tells him to go apologize and make sure Amanda sees and then she'll be less t.o.'d.

Jake takes the plant (Liza wasn't so into it anyway, I thought it was quite lovely myself) and gives it Dr. Baby Stealer, and he apologizes and Amanda sees, but then Baby Stealer flips it on him and apologizes even better and comes clean about how he made sure the car ran out of gas when they were going to the fertility clinic. He leaves out that part about Barbados Baby not being his, but his apology is so much better, and Amanda is totally falling for this whole thing. Hayward does make fake dying pretty sexy, though . . .

Erica took Madison to the Miranda Center, but Madison doesn't really feel like talking to anyone, so they call in Mittens (It's been so long since we've seen him! I've missed you, Frankie!), who I guess volunteers there sometimes, and whoa that's weird because he walks into her room they, like, totally know each other!

Junior's got the cancer again, but the guy won't get treatment before Christmas (bad idea, dude) and he won't tell Not Babe about how it's back. He does tell her, though, about how he gave Grandad the "your son or your skanky wife" ultimatum and because of that Not Babe wants Liza to throw CrazAnnie's case for justice's sake. This seems like something a lawyer shouldn't do, but I didn't go to law school. So Liza's on the case, then not on the case, then back on the case and then CrazAnnie finally fires her because she's gonna represent herself. Way to shed that "crazy" image, Annie. Only lunatics forgo a real live lawyer.


So that's that, as of 12/11 All My Children is out of NYC. I'm completely bummed because now it means I won't "accidentally" run into Dr. David Hayward at the bodega as he's getting his coffee in the morning (I bet he drinks it black.) Don't go too L.A. on me, kids. If Tad starts dressing like Axl Rose, I'm going to be angry.

PS- Would it have KILLED The View to do some research before their AMC tribute show? Um, Whoopi- the "Shandler" mansion? Really?

Grandad's Between a Crazy Lady and A Hard Place

Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valleys says (and I quote), "These people can't drive anywhere with out smashing into something! I've been driving for a long time and I've had a million conversations in a car, and not once has that happened. They can't say anything to anybody without takin' their eyes off the road!"
And this is why we're getting married.

Thursday 12/10:
Grandad went to Stuart's grave yesterday and stuff, and Junior showed up and Laves showed up too. Laves was givin' him grief about not being a good dad or something and then Junior drops the old Cancer bomb on Grandad and then tells him to choose Annie or him! Man, Junior! That's not the old welcome home Grandad was looking for post-acquittal.

Krystal's candy shoppe architect is totally getting fresh with her, but Krystal mentions Tad and if I know candy shoppe architects (and I do) the one thing they REALLY hate when they're asking you out on a date is when you start talkin' 'bout your ex. Opal notices and is like, "Lady, unless you're gonna get back in the sack with my son, just go out on dates and stuff." (She didn't mention the sack stuff, but I understood the subtext.)

NouveauColby throws a mini temper tantrum when Liza isn't super stoked that Juno's going to be staying in town with the kid (I'm with you Liza. This is an awful idea.) and she goes back to move into Casa de Grandad again. You're not winning me over, new girl. And oh yes, Scott tells Not Babe he's got, or had, "the hots," as they say, for CrazAnnie. Grandad's got some big plan about gettin' her out or something, but I think the cancer and the ultimatum Junior gave him is kinda messin' with his head. Also his brother's son, his nephew, made out with his wife, and that's not awesome.

Ryan tells Erica about how Zach wants to like, take over Fusion and junk, and she's like, "Okay" and he's like, "No, not okay!" and she's like, "Whatever" and he's like "No, not whatever" and then they dance and get into the car and almost hit Madison, who even looks pretty with a black eye. B**tch.

Then Liza makes out with Tad, and Krystal calls ye olde candy shoppe architect who she'll probably eventually make out with.