Once more around the block, Judd Nelson!

I mean Judge Nelson.

Have you heard of 5 Hour Energy shots? It's the stuff you can buy in any drugstore, and it's supposed to keep you awake and alert when you have important things to do, like important work things? Well, don't take them. No one told me 5 Hour Energy was made of pure evil, so this means I watched AMC at an embarrassingly late/early time of night/morning yesterday. After scrawling some notes in a daze of caffeine and ringing ears, I could only decipher the following.

"I love David Hayward. Where's David Hayward? I miss David Hayward." (Creepy, Melody.)

"I think Pine Valley needs more fire breathing dragons." (Weird, Melody.)

"They need to re-cast Jesse McCartney but now as Lil' A (isn't it about time that kid went through a dramatic soap aging?) and then whenever Lil' A and JR are in scenes together, they can just stare at each other all confused like. No dialogue. Just weird, 'Don't I know you?' stares." (This is a brilliant idea, Melody and I wish you'd had the cognitive ability to articulate it more effectively. Let's think more about this.)

Moving on . . .

Tuesday 12/15:
Erica went to visit Madison at the Miranda Center, but yesterday (when I was in a daze) Randi took her to that broke down motel where she took the stealed baby that one time. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff shows up at the Miranda center too and Erica has her psychiatry pants on today and she's totes backing Madison and wants to get her away from that super Creepy McCreeperson father of hers. Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff is a little like, "Mmmm, I dunno. She killed her husband and terrorized my family." But then she comes around and she's like "Well, Madison's dad super creeps me out. Let's do something about him."

Mittens doesn't like Madison's dad either, and yesterday he punched him in the face (so glad his sexy hands are working again!) and Police Chief totes arrested him, but then Mittens apologized (he didn't want to, though) and didn't have to go to for real jail and then Randi shows up and tells Mad's Dad about how Madison's at the broke down motel. Dude, Randi! What have you done?!

So it's CrazAnnie's trial, and she's representing herself and she's all, "Objection!" and the D.A.'s all, "Objection!" and Erica Kane's all, "Objection!" and I swear, these courtroom scenes are driving me up the wall. Judd Nelson, whatever, Judge Nelson . . . he might as well be Mr. "Breakfast Club" because he doesn't do anything very judge-like! It was all just a mess of un-lawyerly like conduct. Finally, CrazAnnie puts herself on the stand and then Grandad (who is in fact, not on the stand and should not be talking in a courtroom) is like, "I totes knew I killed my brother, and I lied and junk!" and everyone freaks out and I swear Judge Wapner would never ever allow this.

Mad's Dad shows up at the broke down motel and he tries to take her home and Brot and Mittens show up and Erica shows up and we all have pretty much decided that he's no good. Whether or not Madison's going to stand up to him remains to be seen, but if anyone is going to put that guy in his place it's Erica Kane. Don't mess with her, guy, she does Pilates. And she's Erica Kane.

Judd Nelson Needs Some Order in the Court!

Things we need to know from yesterday:
Liza forgot to call "no take backs" when she adopted Baby Stu.
Aidan's lost his damn mind.
Dr. Jake tended to a Dr. David Baby Stealer who's taking this "fake dying" thing pretty far.

Tuesday 12/8:
It's the day of Grandad's trial, ya'll!

Liza is so distraught about Juno takin' back the baby, that she misses an early morning meeting with Not Babe and I'm pretty sure she's still drunk in court. That's my girl!

Our friend, Scott, copped a plea and stuff. I kind of didn't pay attention to what kinda sentence he got in return, but whatever it is it ain't murder serious or nothin'.***

Everyone's all in tizzy for this trial. Grandad has his finest Civil War era coat on and Judd Nelson, I mean, Judge Nelson is extra judgey!

CrazAnnie is still in hospital, and Laves chills in her room watchin' everything go down on the boob tube (and also kinda sorta keeping tabs on her and putting doubts in her mind and making her think that Grandad is going to make her take the fall for the murder.)

Zach (who don't want no scrubs, i.e. Kendall) is called as the Prosecution's only witness. Nice work, D.A. Not the Dead Guy. That's your tax money at work, Pine Valleians. Zach's all "my wife" this and "my wife" that and stuff and like totally walks away while Liza's (the Defense, mind you) questioning him (get some order, Judd!! I mean Judge!) and in the hall she's like, "Sorry 'bout that" and he's like, "Can you guys- I mean you and Erica and Tad- can you guys just leave me the heck alone?" Dude, Zach. D.A. Not the Dead Guy called you here, yell at him, kid. Zach's a little testy these days, though, and I understand why, so I'll let this one slide.

Trial trial trial, this person's called to testify and that person is called to testify and the Prosecution rests and the Defense rests and then 3 minutes later the 4 person jury finds Grandad . . . eh eh eh, not until tomorrow!

Okay, so I once had Grand Jury duty for a month. A month, you guys. Now I know this wasn't a Grand Jury dealio, but I honestly think a murder trial of this magnitude would take longer than 20 minutes. We're talking some next level Phil Spector sorta stuff. And jury deliberation would for sure be a lot longer than 3 minutes (and I'm being generous with the 3 minutes.) And Judd Nelson, I mean JUDGE Nelson, musta spent way too much time in detention in law school, because there was all sorts of out of order business going down and all he did was overrule all a' Liza's objections! COME ON!! You've taken Aidan away from me, All My Children writers. At least give me a trial worthy of Adam Chandler.

Phew, okay, I'm done. I love David Hayward! Hooray!!


***Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley has now informed me that Scott got off . . . wait for it . . . "scott free." He also reminded me that Dance-A-Thon 2009 went on for nearly two weeks (right?) Would it kill the writers to maybe consider this in the grand scheme of things? Eesh.

Judd Nelson presiding?

Oh JUDGE Nelson!!

PS- I've decided to retire some pseudonyms because well, they kind of don't relate, since no one's really pregnant right now. But just you wait, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before there's a real or fake pregnancy.

Thursday 12/3:
Dr. Jake Martin has decided to blow this Pine Valley popsicle stand and he's outta here. He tells his Dad, Dr. Dad, that he's leaving and he's like, "Wow, that's a bummer. I'm retiring and well, it would be nice if you stayed." You drive a hard bargain, Dr. Dad. Still Jake is done and he's leaving. Or is he?

Know who else wants to leave? 'Manda. 'Manda's leaving Dr. David Baby Stealer and his Baby Stealer abode and his Baby Stealer ways. Dr. Baby Stealer's like, "Okay, that's cool whatever. Except I'm dying." (That's the Hayward I know and love! The lies!!) Dr. Dave tells 'Manda he's got cardial uromysistisis and he's got six months to live and it sucks. Oh 'Manda . . . 'Manda 'Manda 'Manda. I know he's got all those fancy medicine words and those fancy medicine bottles but never believe a thing that guy says! That's how we got here in the first place! I understand his appeal though . . .

At Ye Old Courthouse, Judd Nelson, I mean Judge Nelson lets Scott and Grandad out on bail for all those criminally things they did like consummating a crime and perpetrating a perpetrator. Judd Nelson, I mean JUDGE Nelson, does all that plea and bail stuff in CrazAnnie's hospital room, and remember how she was like, "Imma plead guilty?" Well she doesn't. She in fact pleads the opposite of guilty and Judd, I mean Judge, is like, "Too bad. No bail for you." Both Laves and Liza A$$ Off are not happy about this.

Jake stumbles upon Juno, who's taken Baby Stuart out for a walk in some wildly Barbarella-esque boots (on her, not the baby) and she starts talking about how great babies are and it really gets to him and he decides maybe he should stay and save his own little cutey patootey from turning out like that evil biological father of his (who isn't really his biological father.) So he goes back to his pad, and Tad's eaten his guacamole and 'Manda shows up and he's like, "I guess I'll stay" and she's like, "That's so awesome because David only has 6 months to live, LOL!!"

Oh and Junior's cancer's back.