Grandad's Between a Crazy Lady and A Hard Place

Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valleys says (and I quote), "These people can't drive anywhere with out smashing into something! I've been driving for a long time and I've had a million conversations in a car, and not once has that happened. They can't say anything to anybody without takin' their eyes off the road!"
And this is why we're getting married.

Thursday 12/10:
Grandad went to Stuart's grave yesterday and stuff, and Junior showed up and Laves showed up too. Laves was givin' him grief about not being a good dad or something and then Junior drops the old Cancer bomb on Grandad and then tells him to choose Annie or him! Man, Junior! That's not the old welcome home Grandad was looking for post-acquittal.

Krystal's candy shoppe architect is totally getting fresh with her, but Krystal mentions Tad and if I know candy shoppe architects (and I do) the one thing they REALLY hate when they're asking you out on a date is when you start talkin' 'bout your ex. Opal notices and is like, "Lady, unless you're gonna get back in the sack with my son, just go out on dates and stuff." (She didn't mention the sack stuff, but I understood the subtext.)

NouveauColby throws a mini temper tantrum when Liza isn't super stoked that Juno's going to be staying in town with the kid (I'm with you Liza. This is an awful idea.) and she goes back to move into Casa de Grandad again. You're not winning me over, new girl. And oh yes, Scott tells Not Babe he's got, or had, "the hots," as they say, for CrazAnnie. Grandad's got some big plan about gettin' her out or something, but I think the cancer and the ultimatum Junior gave him is kinda messin' with his head. Also his brother's son, his nephew, made out with his wife, and that's not awesome.

Ryan tells Erica about how Zach wants to like, take over Fusion and junk, and she's like, "Okay" and he's like, "No, not okay!" and she's like, "Whatever" and he's like "No, not whatever" and then they dance and get into the car and almost hit Madison, who even looks pretty with a black eye. B**tch.

Then Liza makes out with Tad, and Krystal calls ye olde candy shoppe architect who she'll probably eventually make out with.

Not Guilty With a Chance of Meatballs

Dude, you guys. I have like a delibitating headache. Makes a blog no fun.

Here's what happened:
Grandad= Not Guilty
Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff= Guilty of a committing a fashion crime with that belt she was wearing.
Zach= angry and totes taking back Cambias Industries LLC CO. ETC.
Juno= taking Stuart but staying in town? (I think this is an awful idea, but no one asked me.)
CrazAnnie= super paranoid
Laves= wearing a turtleneck

Judd Nelson Needs Some Order in the Court!

Things we need to know from yesterday:
Liza forgot to call "no take backs" when she adopted Baby Stu.
Aidan's lost his damn mind.
Dr. Jake tended to a Dr. David Baby Stealer who's taking this "fake dying" thing pretty far.

Tuesday 12/8:
It's the day of Grandad's trial, ya'll!

Liza is so distraught about Juno takin' back the baby, that she misses an early morning meeting with Not Babe and I'm pretty sure she's still drunk in court. That's my girl!

Our friend, Scott, copped a plea and stuff. I kind of didn't pay attention to what kinda sentence he got in return, but whatever it is it ain't murder serious or nothin'.***

Everyone's all in tizzy for this trial. Grandad has his finest Civil War era coat on and Judd Nelson, I mean, Judge Nelson is extra judgey!

CrazAnnie is still in hospital, and Laves chills in her room watchin' everything go down on the boob tube (and also kinda sorta keeping tabs on her and putting doubts in her mind and making her think that Grandad is going to make her take the fall for the murder.)

Zach (who don't want no scrubs, i.e. Kendall) is called as the Prosecution's only witness. Nice work, D.A. Not the Dead Guy. That's your tax money at work, Pine Valleians. Zach's all "my wife" this and "my wife" that and stuff and like totally walks away while Liza's (the Defense, mind you) questioning him (get some order, Judd!! I mean Judge!) and in the hall she's like, "Sorry 'bout that" and he's like, "Can you guys- I mean you and Erica and Tad- can you guys just leave me the heck alone?" Dude, Zach. D.A. Not the Dead Guy called you here, yell at him, kid. Zach's a little testy these days, though, and I understand why, so I'll let this one slide.

Trial trial trial, this person's called to testify and that person is called to testify and the Prosecution rests and the Defense rests and then 3 minutes later the 4 person jury finds Grandad . . . eh eh eh, not until tomorrow!

Okay, so I once had Grand Jury duty for a month. A month, you guys. Now I know this wasn't a Grand Jury dealio, but I honestly think a murder trial of this magnitude would take longer than 20 minutes. We're talking some next level Phil Spector sorta stuff. And jury deliberation would for sure be a lot longer than 3 minutes (and I'm being generous with the 3 minutes.) And Judd Nelson, I mean JUDGE Nelson, musta spent way too much time in detention in law school, because there was all sorts of out of order business going down and all he did was overrule all a' Liza's objections! COME ON!! You've taken Aidan away from me, All My Children writers. At least give me a trial worthy of Adam Chandler.

Phew, okay, I'm done. I love David Hayward! Hooray!!


***Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley has now informed me that Scott got off . . . wait for it . . . "scott free." He also reminded me that Dance-A-Thon 2009 went on for nearly two weeks (right?) Would it kill the writers to maybe consider this in the grand scheme of things? Eesh.

Does David Play the Violin?

Because he's playing 'Manda like a fiddle!

Friday 12/4:
Dr. Dave Baby Stealer's got these experimental Malaysian meds for his fake disease and Dr. Jake steals 'em to get tested for fakeness. Well, Dr. Mrs. Police Chief of Staff takes a looksie at 'em and they're for reals experimental Malaysian pills for the disease Dr. Dave doesn't have. Everyone's kinda like, "Hmmmm . . . he could be dying but this IS Dr. Dave we're talking about." Yes, yes it is, suckers.

Juno's got Baby Stu and the awesome apartment and a bunch of Christmas decorations and her BF comes over and apparently the dude has gotten a job good enough to take of all three of 'em. What? I have a college degree and I don't have a job good enough to take care of three people!! So Juno thinks about her sitchimication, and she tells Liza she would very much like to keep the baby that she previously gave up.

Junior has the cancer again. Junior tells Tad, but won't tell his wife. Junior also won't get treatments until Grandad's trial's over. Junior made better decisions when he was a drunky.

'Manda has this cutey home movie of cutey Barbados Baby doing cutey things at the petting zoo. She decides that Dr. David Fake Dying should use it to tape some (cutey) fake last words to the kid who's not really his baby. So he does and it's sad, but not really because he's not really dying and I just love David Hayward more and more each day as this thing unfolds. That dude could sell ice to . . . he could sell a bridge to, um . . . uh . . . he could . . . he could sell something to someone who doesn't really need it. That's how awesome David Hayward is.

Judd Nelson presiding?

Oh JUDGE Nelson!!

PS- I've decided to retire some pseudonyms because well, they kind of don't relate, since no one's really pregnant right now. But just you wait, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before there's a real or fake pregnancy.

Thursday 12/3:
Dr. Jake Martin has decided to blow this Pine Valley popsicle stand and he's outta here. He tells his Dad, Dr. Dad, that he's leaving and he's like, "Wow, that's a bummer. I'm retiring and well, it would be nice if you stayed." You drive a hard bargain, Dr. Dad. Still Jake is done and he's leaving. Or is he?

Know who else wants to leave? 'Manda. 'Manda's leaving Dr. David Baby Stealer and his Baby Stealer abode and his Baby Stealer ways. Dr. Baby Stealer's like, "Okay, that's cool whatever. Except I'm dying." (That's the Hayward I know and love! The lies!!) Dr. Dave tells 'Manda he's got cardial uromysistisis and he's got six months to live and it sucks. Oh 'Manda . . . 'Manda 'Manda 'Manda. I know he's got all those fancy medicine words and those fancy medicine bottles but never believe a thing that guy says! That's how we got here in the first place! I understand his appeal though . . .

At Ye Old Courthouse, Judd Nelson, I mean Judge Nelson lets Scott and Grandad out on bail for all those criminally things they did like consummating a crime and perpetrating a perpetrator. Judd Nelson, I mean JUDGE Nelson, does all that plea and bail stuff in CrazAnnie's hospital room, and remember how she was like, "Imma plead guilty?" Well she doesn't. She in fact pleads the opposite of guilty and Judd, I mean Judge, is like, "Too bad. No bail for you." Both Laves and Liza A$$ Off are not happy about this.

Jake stumbles upon Juno, who's taken Baby Stuart out for a walk in some wildly Barbarella-esque boots (on her, not the baby) and she starts talking about how great babies are and it really gets to him and he decides maybe he should stay and save his own little cutey patootey from turning out like that evil biological father of his (who isn't really his biological father.) So he goes back to his pad, and Tad's eaten his guacamole and 'Manda shows up and he's like, "I guess I'll stay" and she's like, "That's so awesome because David only has 6 months to live, LOL!!"

Oh and Junior's cancer's back.

Pizza coma recap. Not really a recap.

In a pizza coma. No energy to recap. But I will say this: Everyone so sad in Pine Valley today. Everyone so drunk.

Love On the Rocks With No Ice

Tuesday 12/1:
Juno wants to take baby Stuart away to think about whether or not she wants to keep him and Liza A$$ Off's like, "Actually, I'ma leave instead, you stay here cuz Lord knows where you're gonna take that child." So now Juno is living in your sweet pad with Stuart, and you have to schlep your stuff somewhere else? Naw, Liza, haven't you seen "Risky Business?" (Actually, neither have I, but I'm pretty sure "teens wreaking havoc" is a big part of that movie.)

Tad and Krystal and Opal (Hooray!! Love her!) and Junior and Not Babe and the gang get a Christmas tree, decorate it in record speed, and Junior coughs. More specifically, he coughs up blood. This is not good in soap opera land.

Babados Baby comes down with a baby fever, and it's really scary, so Dr. David Baby Stealer and Real Preggers take him to the hospital. Real Pregs calls Funny Doc and he comes over and he gets into a sexy fight with Dr. Dave but then he's like totally over this situation and he's all, "Real Pregs, you're exhausting me and I'm so over it" and splits. There there, Dr. Jake, let Melody take care of you. Oh and Barbados Baby's fine- just an ear infection.

Grandad and Scott are in jail . . . together . . . same cell. Scott wants to go back to Chi-town and Grandad's like, "No don't go" and Scott's like, "Okay, I'll stay." Grandad is a very persuasive dude.

Zach is still soooo pissed about Kendall givin' back her wedding ring and making out with Secret Aidan Man (but not really) and he catches Hottie Inn Keeper spying on him and he's had enough of Kendall's trampin' around. He drinks a bunch of booze, calls over Liza A$$ Off and he's like, "I'm not as think as you drunk I am, give me a divorce!" Then lays a big ol' kiss on her. Awesome.