No sex in the champagne room

I don't know about you, but I can't wait for the dress up party tomorrow!!

Thursday 10/29:
So Grandad's interrupting the kid's Halloween party, and he starts yappin' about how he misses his bro and junk. The old CrazAnnie/Laves/Erica Kane trifecta's there, too, and Em totes thinks that Grandad is now sorry he killed his bro (though he's still not remembering that part) so CrazAnnie takes this as a cue to get the weddin' back on.

Scott's whining.

(That's all there really is to say about that.)

Dr. David Baby Stealer meets with Real Preggers, Fake Preggers (her lawyer) and Funny Doc. Turns out the contract he drew up for the "give me a second baby" thing has a "no doin' the nasty with Funny Doc" clause, as well as a "live in my house 'till you pop that thing out" clause. First Real Pregs is like, "Nu uh" but then somehow, for some reason Funny Doc changes her mind and she's going through with it. Dr. David Baby Stealer explains to Fake Pregs that he wants a baby because he's lonely and that only 2 things matter in this world: 1. stealing babies and 2. drugs . . . I mean love and family! Love and family!!

Brot and Natalia share a sexy and special moment as she washes his back. Not sure how he got car schmutz on his back, but okay. Then Brot drops the spark plugs he stole out of the car and totally ruins the mood. Natalia gets all pissed off and makes him walk home.

Juno's watching her/Fake Preggers kid and she tells Colby how she wants to be a full time mother and then her/Fake Preggers kid cries and she's like, "I was joking. Kids are dumb." Not really, but I think she kinda doesn't want to be a full time teenage mom. Hence the reason she gave up the thing in the first place.

Zach's thiiiiiissssss close to getting Grandad confess to the murder he didn't commit, so he plans a super scary surprise for him at his chateau- a frightening painting that says, "Help me Adam" in red paint! Personally, I think digging up Stuart, putting sunglasses and a Hawaiian shirt on him and carrying him around would be much more effective.

Bernie may be dead, but he's still the life of the party!

Hi, my name's Ryan Lavery. Welcome to the gun show.

Wednesday 10/28:
Natalia didn't shoot Secret Aidan Man. She and Brot weren't anywhere even NEAR that country church. It was just a bunch of punk kids doin' punk things. But Secret Aidan Man scared them away with creepy haunted noises. Oh Secret Aidan Man.

Over the past few months Junior's gone from drunk to nice guy and now he's at "whiney Mr. Meanie." He's gets all pissy with Not Babe because she brought him yogurt and he saw her crying yesterday and he might not be able to give her a baby if she ever wanted one. A: We steal babies here in Pine Valley, so don't even worry about that and B: Try not yelling at someone if you don't want them to cry. Not Babe is very nice and she loves you a lot, Junior. In the words of Police Chief, "Deal with it!"

In order to have an opportunity to fill her daughter's head with more lies, CrazAnnie shows up at Laves' crib with a lame-o Lady bug costume for Emma, but see Emma's already dressed like Princess Jasmine™ and that's her favoritest. They settle on some costume change agreement, but I think CrazAnnie might be losing her grip on little Ems.

Remember how CrazAnnie told Ems she wasn't gonna marry Grandad? Well, Erica Kane wants to go gloat and stuff, so she goes over to Grandbag's hizzy, and she's all, "Totes bummer about your wedding being cancelled, huh?" Grandbag (who's officially a crazy old coot now) is like, "Whatchutalkinbout, Erica?" And she's like, "The wedding, you're not doin' that whole thing." And he's like, "Well, nobody told me." And then Grandbag decides to "make things better" by going to the Halloweens party that Emma's at and scaring the crap out of her. Crazy old coot.

Natalia and Brot never got to the country church because ended up in that sexy cabin in the woods. The one where a few months ago where Erica Kane had a bath and Laves was like half nakey and they put her Blackberry in some rice and stuff? 'Member that? Anyhow, they're there, and Police Chief is T.O.'d that Natalia won't chill the f out, so he asks Brot (via phone) to steal the spark plugs out of the car. Looks like they'll be there a while. If you guys get bored there's a bathtub.

Zach knows that Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are safe, on account of the poetry chat room, so he and Laves' and Erica Kane try to figure out some way to get Grandbag to remember what happened the night his bro was shot. They think if they somehow conjur up Stuart's image when Grandbag's around they'll jog his memory . . . I saw a movie like this once. I believe it was called . . . "Weekend At Bernies?"

And it was awesome.

Enter Sandman

"Sleep with one eye open . . . Gripping your pillow tight."

Tuesday 10/27:
Junior's at a meeting for people who have cancer, yet he and Not Babe feel the need to be all sorts of PDA-y in front of everyone. Classy. One dude talks about he got married real quick when he had cancer, then when got better he became a douche and his wife left him. That won't happen to Junior. No siree. Those Chandlers get married and stay married . . . right?

Did you know that Natalia's a mapolholic? Well she is. She loves maps. She loves maps so much she's going to use one to figure out where that silly Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are. I'm like a mapoholic too. Except for booze.

And silly Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are in that abandoned church in the country. Kendall's got her stupid computer and she's all sorts of "yadda yadda yadda oh Zach your poetry is amazing. IM me things that rhyme again. Emoticon emoticon." Aidan, take that damn thing away from her.

As Casa de Zach he's all, "yadda yadda yadda oh Kendall, I know my poetry rules." And Police Chief comes over and tells him how he pretty much figured out where Kendall was, so he made his team look for her in the completely wrong direction so no one would find 'em. Oh you just wait, you guys.

Remember how Dr. David Baby Stealer wants to have a baby with Real Preggers, instead of just stealing another one? Well, she's into it. Maybe not "into" it, but she's cool with it as long as Dr. David Baby Stealer promises not to destroy her marriage to Funny Doc. Yeah, good luck with that one, Real Preggers.

Then everyone falls asleep and we waste a good hour and half watching Kendall and Zach both imagine they're making out with each other. (Padding: it's not just for bras anymore.*) Then Secret Aidan Man gets back from the store (dude had the munchies) and ZOMG THERE'S SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE ABANDONED CHURCH!!! Then Natalia runs in and shoots Secret Aidan Man in the other arm and he's like, "GOD! Every time!! EVERY DAMN TIME!"

Okay, not really, but I am SOOOOOOO hoping that's what happens tomorrow.

*Credit: Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley

Get your rhyme on!

The ladies love the poetry.

Monday 10/26:
Kendall and Aidan are out on the run
But Aidan has found something more fun
Zach likes to rhyme
And that ain't a crime
Poetry forums will again make them one.

Emma is one real smart lady
Don't want Grandad marryin' Crazy
Scott pulls a pistol
That reminds me, where's Krystal?
And Grandude's memory is still very hazy.

Baby Stealer wants just one more kid
For babies he totes flips his lid
Will Real Preggers do the deed
For some joint custody
And do another 9 month bid?

Sweet Dreams Are Made of Cheese

Fridays are awesome, aren't they?

Friday 10/23:
Kendall and Secret Aidan Man are in that church, and he's been having bad dreams and Kendall feeds him soup (mmm noodle soup) so he's getting better but he's still been shot so that sucks. Kendall writes a letter to Zach about how's she safe and Secret Aidan Man's like, "You crazy! They'll find us if you write a letter!" He disappears and comes back with a stolen laptop that is soooo much safer than a hand written letter. Apparently, this is how Kendall can be in touch with Zach. Will there be a "Kendall on the Run" Facebook fan page? A "KendalllurvesZach4EvaAndEvaAndEva" Twitter page? You have me intrigued, Secret Aidan Man.

Zach and Laves are gonna nail Grandad hard. I mean . . . they're going to trick him into saying CrazAnnie killed Stuart (but she didn't!) so they enlist the help of the ever devious Erica Kane. She makes up some story about a fashion designer and some hungry kids to "trick" CrazAnnie into leaving Grandad alone long enough for Zach to get the "truth" (but not really) out of him. CrazAnnie and Grandad are onto them (not completely) so Craz decides to play along and says she'll see whatever fake fashion designer that is and Grandad goes to his doctor check up (which supposedly wasn't a trick but I kinda think it was.)

So Grandad's at hospital and Funny Doc checks him out but Dr. David Baby Stealer (who's been roped into this scheme too, by Zach) switches out his heart meds for some Truth Pills. That's the Dr. David Baby Stealer I like to see! Switching and drugging! Grandad gets super woozy and Zach's magically at his house (lock your doors, Grandude) and he interrogates him about how CrazAnnie killed Stuart (but she didn't!)

CrazAnnie didn't actually go to see that fake fashion designer. Instead, she broke into Emma's room (put a damn lock on that thing, Laves) and Emma was like, "Lady! Don't marry that old guy! He killed his bro! That's really uncool!" She speaks the truth, CrazAnnie.

Oh yes, Dr. David Baby Stealer has a proposal for Real Preggers. He'll give her joint custody of Barbados Baby, as long as she gives him another baby. (Whatever sound your head makes when you shake it real fast back and forth and you're confused- insert that noise here.) Real Preggers, between you and me, I think he just wants to get in your pants. You lucky, lucky lady.

Did I just say that?

FINALLY!!!

Thursday 10/22:
Let's cut to the chase, shall we? Grandad killed Stuart, his brother, Scott's father and Junior's uncle. Grandad did it and I was right all along. Okay, well at one point I did say that Emma did it, but then I recinded that so I'm still right. It was Opposite Day . . .

In other All My Children news, Maddy's Daddy has those tapes, but Madison confessed before she kicked the bucket and now everyone can be happy. 'Cept everyone in Police Chief's family. They think it's weird she's dead even though her contract was just renewed. We'll see how this plays out.

Laves and Zach want to get to the bottom of this and it's pretty clear that Emma won't talk to 'em. Zach's like, "Maybe we should use try a different approach" and Lave's is like, "Hmmm . . . I don't know. Hey, here's an idea! Let's change our focus!" And I just shake my head. Long story short they're going to get the truth about how CrazAnnie killed Stuart from Grandad, but see Grandad killed Stuart. Good luck, you guys.

At the Yacht Club Dr. David Baby Stealer is unhappy that Junior and Marissa are married, and at hospital I'm pretty sure the chemo nurse is unhappy that they're making out in the middle of the chemo room. I don't know much about chemotherapy treatment, but that just doesn't seem safe. It also seems annoying.

Also, Fake Preggers is worried that Juno's gonna be a baby stealer (small b) and take the kid she popped out but then gave up. Look Juno, there are other ways to fill the void that modern life has created in your soul. Get a puppy instead. They're cheaper.

And then Emma flashes back and we all find out the big ol' secret that Grandad's a murderer. Grandad knows it too. Did I mention I knew it all along?

Ding Dong the B**ch is dead!?

Once, just once on AMC I want to see someone not take the blame (or feel guilty) for killing someone they didn't actually kill. This time it was Mittens. One day I just want someone be like, "Yeah, I crashed that car. 'Evs, yo. They were evil."

Wednesday 10/21:
Emma wants to go with her moms when she gets out of hospital, and Laves is SOOOOO ticked about this. He decides to fight CrazAnnie with crazy and suggests she move into the penthouse with Emma and him. (Or is it Emma and he?) CrazAnnie's like, "Um, yeah, not gonna happen," so Emma goes with Laves, and CrazAnnie goes back to Chateau de Grandad.

Randi's been havin' those Madison dreams again. Well, I think maybe Opal's contagious, cuz now Madison's dead. New York killed her. Hooray? Something's not quite right about this . . . especially since her contract was just renewed. Hmmmmm.

Not Babe and Junior really want to get married, so they go to Tad, who's one a' them Internet ministers. Krystal thinks it's a creepy that Junior wants to marry his dead wife's sister almost exactly a year after she died. Now that you mention it, it is a little weird. However, love trumps creepy and they're hitched!

At Grandad's Castle, Scott convinces CrazAnnie it's a good idea to move in with Laves. I'm not so sure anymore that Scott knows that his uncle killed his father, his uncle's brother. I kinda think Scott thinks that Emma, CrazAnnie's daughter, did it. Sucker. You'd think he'd be brighter than that what with all that heart valve invention science that guy studies. Anyhoo, CrazAnnie arrives at Laves' and lets it slip that she's marryin' Grandad. Emma's all (and I quote), "I hate you!" and runs away. Charming child.

Police Chief et al have finally gotten over the fact that they didn't kill Madison, when whatdoyouknow, Maddy's Daddy shows up with some DVDs. I'm no Police Chief, but I'm guessing they're the ol' "Dead D.A. cover up" DVDs.

What's that expression? Let a dead D.A. lie? Let a sleeping D.A. die? Yeah, you should do that, old guy. You don't mess with Mr. and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief.