Daytime Emmy Awards, ya'll!

It's the day of the show ya'll! In t-minus 60 minutes plus 17 minutes, I'll be live bloggin' all the action over at the Daytime Emmy Awards! Who's excited?!!

7:02pm Red Carpet special!! First La Lucci sighting! This is going to be a good night!

7:03pm Three of the most respected tv critics will be offering commentary. Um, I clearly missed your call, CW.

7:05pm Breaking for dinner (wings!). Talk amongst yourselves.

7:46pm Annnnd we're back!

7:47pm I've got your number Daytime Emmy Awards, this year it's all about Vagisil, Tyler Perry and lame-o CW remakes of shows that should never be remade. I don't like it Daytime Emmy Awards, but I'm willing to deal with it as long as I can see Ricky Paull Goldin in a leather bikini . . . what? He's not in the bikini? GOD!

7:52pm I just discovered that Melodie at Daytime Confidential is ALSO live blogging the Daytime Emmys. It's a Melody(ie) off!!

7:54pm If it's so hot out in LA, why is Jennie Garth wearing a giant orange curtain as a dress. Girlfriend must be schvitzing.

7:55pm 5 more minutes! And it's the kid from "Everybody Loves That Raven!"

8:01pm IT'S ON, YOU GUYS!!

8:02pm Vanessa Williams . . . this feels wrong.

8:03pm Really wrong.

8:05pm Okay, it got better. This really is the only award show that matters to me.

8:06pm Rachel Ray and that hot guy from Dancing with the Stars!

8:07pm Dr. David Baby Stealer!!!!! And JR!! You need to take down those lame other dudes.

8:08pm It's a tie?!

8:09pm YES!! Dr. David Baby Stealer!!!!!

8:10pm Wow, I don't think this dude actually would steal a baby in real life. The curtain's been drawn. I would have tea with you Dr. David Baby Stealer.

8:11pm Other Emmy goes to someone on GL. If tonight turns into a big giant Guiding Light a$$ kissing party, I'm flipping over to Food Network Challenges.

8:15pm You know who watches the Daytime Emmy Awards (DEA as it will now be called)!
Ladies! Bring on that Vagisil commercial again.

8:16pm Anyone know where I can get an off-brand BumpIt?

8:17pm Why is that guy wearing a scarf!? Weren't we just talking about how hot it is out there?

8:17pm CASH CAB!! We're 2 for 2 with awesomeness! If somehow there's a Mythbusters experience tonight, my head may explode.

8:20pm Rachel Ray wins. Bathroom break.

8:26pm By "bathroom break" I meant, "Make myself a wine spritzer." It seems only appropriate.

8:27pm By the way, I really appreciated a sneak peek of J.R.'s shaved head!

8:31pm Bindi Irwin deserves to win Best Kid's Something or Other purely because of her crimped hair in that clip.

8:32pm Elmo wins.

8:33pm Elmo looks nothing like I'd expect him to.

8:34pm Elmo SOUNDS nothing like I'd expect him to.

8:35pm Hooray Elmo. Elmo hooray!

8:35pm Dr. Phil. Bathroom break.

8:35pm No, All My Children clips for best Drama Something or Other!

8:36pm Tyra Banks. Bathroom break.

8:37pm No, weird fashion show. I've been waiting for this. I want to see some skin Funny Doc!

8:38pm Real Preggers has a smokin' bod, huh?

8:39pm LA LUCCI!!

8:39pm That "fashion show" was awkward and unnecessary.

8:40pm Montel Williams is a little smug for his own good. (Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley said he looks like Bizarro Montel Williams with that goatee.)

8:42pm This Feed the Children stuff, really is great. Why is Luke from GH tainting it for me? Seeing him and his earring really gets to me. He looks like a Mugatu. Except paler.

8:45pm The montage for the Feed the Children trip was incredibly inspiring and made me a little teary eyed!

8:50pm I don't know who Van Hasis is . . . but I just can't get behind that name, kid.

8:51pm Outstanding Supporting Actress! CrazAnnie vs. Kendall!! EPIC!

8:52pm Wait, Reese wins for being not Reese on a show that's not All My Children? Not cool.

8:54pm Internets not letting me comment on my own blog. Conspiracy.

8:55pm Whoa short dress. The Young and the Restless indeed.

8:56pm Tyra Banks. "Informative" Talk Show. Ugh. Why are we encouraging this woman?

8:57pm Tyra fills me with enormous amounts of rage. It's inexplicable.

8:58pm Thank you, BumpIts, for distracting me from Tyra. I'm better now.

8:59pm Oooh, a new Vagisil commercial! Vagisil and dish soap. The CW knows it's demographic for this show.

9:03pm So there's "Young Actor" and "Younger actor?" Who came up with these categories?

9:04pm The guy who won has the tiniest head I've ever seen.

9:05pm Best Greatest Morning Show: Good Morning, America? What?!! I demand a recount. No one's better than the Lauer. No one.

9:06pm Dr. Phil. Floss break.

9:07pm Either I'm losing my mind, or someone in our building is playing the flute or the pan pipes or a recorder. I'm not kidding.

9:08pm Days of Our Lives? More like "Lame of Our Lives!" All My Children is going to SCHOOL you suckers!

9:09pm These super serious Blimpie commercials are a little over the top. They're subs, people!

9:11pm SCOOTERS!!

9:12pm I think I'm the only person not watching True Blood right now.

9:13pm Seriously, someone is playing flute music right now and it's driving me batty!

9:14pm Alright, flute music coming from our new neighbor. I prefer flute music to the horrifying noises that we were hearing a few weeks ago.

9:15pm NPH on Sesame Street? Sheer brilliance! Sesame Street rules. Sesame Street taught me how to read when I was 1 year old. I'm not kidding. 40 years. Good for them! That show is amazing.

9:16pm Zach Slater loves Sesame Street!

9:19pm That was really nice. More Sesame Street. Less Dr. Phil.

9:20pm And less of Sandra Oh's dress. Come on, lady. You're gorgeous. Why are you wearing shoulder pads?

9:21pm I didn't know Kenny Rogers was Oscar the Grouch. And Telly looks like Telly.

9:22pm SERIOUSLY THE FLUTE MUSIC HAS TO STOP!! It's driving me mad.

9:27pm Gratuitous Vanessa Williams singing.

9:28pm What does this song have to do with All My Children? We really should be asking ourselves that, Daytime Emmy Awards producers.

9:29pm This song isn't even about Vagisil or scooters. What's it doing here?

9:30pm And now there's dancing. Great. Bring back Dr. David Baby Stealer.

9:31pm Did they just call her "Jeanie" Garth?

9:32pm Gosh, let Jennie Garth get a word in edgewise, Aunt Becky!

9:33pm Best Writing- General Hospital. I'd put up a fight for AMC, but . . . I mean, you know.

9:34pm Pssst, All My Children- I'm available.

9:38pm Ryan Lavery! CrazAnnie!! Cash Cab didn't win, but congrats to Meredith. I'm surprised Lavery didn't try to steal the Emmy from her, or maybe he will. He likes to steal things from other people. Women. Casinos. Kids.

9:39pm Betty White, what are you wearing? My Uncle Harry's old jogging suit?

9:40pm I love you, Betty. Gosh I love you, I guess I'll forgive the rhinestone encrusted windbreaker.

9:43pm Godspeed, Guiding Light! Is Luke aka Mugatu crying AGAIN?! Why is he crying? It's not his show!! I'd like to put him, Tyra and Dr. Phil in a room together and let them fight to the death. Whoever lives . . . gets to live.

9:45pm What's with all the circus BS in those General Hospital promos? See, that's exactly why I prefer All My Children. Give me tornados and stolen babies!! Much more realistic.

9:47pm Is Patrick Duffy on Gray's Anatomy? Is he the guy from Growing Pains?

9:48pm Best Actress- Susan Haskell? BOOOOOOOOOO. You deserve it, Debbie Morgan.

9:49pm Okay, you're married to Zach Slater. I guess you can win.

9:50pm Best Actor- not Zach Slater. At least it wasn't Mugatu. Zach, you should just go up there and take from him, and be all, "You know what? I'm just gonna take this award. You're gonna give it to me. And I'm going to take it. Because it's mine. Now go paint the basement."

9:54pm Dr. Phil is drunk. And annoying. And drunk.

9:56pm Best Daytime Drama- Not All My Children. Bold and the Beautiful? More like Yawn and the Boring-ful. So boring they didn't even get to do an acceptance speech. SUCK IT!

9:58pm Well, that was it. Exhausting, huh? Not even a good bye. Had they cut down the lady part cream commercials and the Dr. Phil nonsense, and that 2nd Vanessa Williams song, maybe we could've had a real awards show, people. Perhaps The CW should just stick to the Gossip Girls and the fake Melrose Places.

I'm sorry . . . I'm just bitter All My Children was mostly snubbed. But hooray Dr. David Baby Stealer!!! You deserve to go steal a baby!

Who wants some live blogging?!

Oh my gosh, you guys. This is the busiest week ever! I feel like I won't be able to properly keep you up to date AMC recaps!! For this, I apologize.

I promise to make it up to you. This Sunday, August . . . something, I'm too sleepy to look at a calendar . . . I vow to deliver a LIVE BLOGGGING session of the Daytime Emmys on Paraphrasing Pine Valley! Yes. This sort of innovative blogging has never been done before. I shall comment on the events of the Daytime Emmys (which I like to call "My Super Bowl" . . . except that I really like football, so I think" The Superbowl" is probably "My Super Bowl." I'll call it "My Emmys." Okay?) AS they happen! Comments on things on tv as they happen? When has anyone ever done that?

Wait, what?

Okay, so whatever, I'm doing it and it's going to be fun for all.

Join me on Sunday!!

Everybody Loves Zach

Would it kill Lavery to put a tie on just once? I mean, it's court, guy, you really should look your best.

Tuesday 8/25:
Man, Junior's not feeling so good. Luckily, he's at the hospital so Dr. Mrs. Police Chief listens to his alcoholic heart and runs some tests and well . . . more about that later.

Real Preggers is completely distraught that Barbados Baby is like, for reals missing. Nevermind that fact that it's essentially her fault for agreeing to that stupid "put the kid in an alley" plan and naturally she takes her aggression out on Dr. David Baby Stealer! Man, that guy can't catch a break. For once he did not steal your baby! Not yet at least!

Speaking of Dr. Baby Stealer, Not Babe really wants to "come home with him," which is a really weird and slightly inappropriate way of saying she would like to move in because she thinks he's nice and stuff. He's all, "Um, apparently you haven't noticed this evil doctor thing that I've spent years cultivating. Your constantly sunny attitude and insistence to love me kinda messes with the vibe." Actually, that's just what I wish he'd said. Really he was like, "Sure! You can come home with me!" (Such a weird way to put that.)

So Judge Robert Goulet and his millions of pencils are figurin' out whether or not CrazAnnie is in fact SaneAnnie and can stand trial. Well, since Grandad paid off Judge Goulet, she is, in fact, sane. Hooray!

Remember Junior's tests? Quickest medical tests ever and the results are in! Dr. Mrs. Police Chief is worried about Junior's blood cells. He wants to know how worried. And she's like, "I'm 'contract negotiations' worried. Sorry, kid."

Everyone and their mom loves Zach. Kendall . . . Fake Preggers . . . okay, well, just two people, but you know, that's, like, more than just one person. Kendall wants Zach to love her but he's still super t.o.'d about that whole Lavery thing. Fake Preggers is captivated by Zach's facial hair and ability to pick up an entire door by himself! Fake Preggers comes over to his house for the millionth time today and lays a giant kiss on him and Kendall, who refuses stay in her secret room, bonks her over the head with her Trapper Keeper. Yeah!

As much as Kendall's "Love me, love me! Want me! Make me feel good about myself!" thing annoys me, I can't resist a good smack on the noggin!

Lavery Doesn't Like Zach. Pope Catholic.

Finally, things are getting back to normal! Lavery hates Zach, Grandad is paying off judges. Now if only we could get Greenlee back . . .

Monday 8/24:
Not Babe totally hates that hospital. She's like, totes bored and no amount of Sudoku books is going to make her happy. So Junior breaks her out of hospital and they go eat food at the yacht club and whatdoyouknow Dr. David Baby Stealer discovers this and really wishes Not Babe would stay away from Junior and he makes fun of him for being an alcoholic. Real good one, Baby Stealer. I bet next you're going to make fun of Grandad for being old.

Funny Doc and Real Preggers think they've found Barbados Baby! Oh . . . oh . . no, wait . . . they haven't. Because that hooker took him. Moving on.

Lavery shows up a Zach's house and Police Chief's broken into it already! Lavery's like, "But I thought I was going to . . . wait nevermind, what the heck are you doing here? That's so weird we were both going to break into the same house at the same time! LOL!" And then Fake Preggers and Grandad show up and Lavery gets mad that Grandad's giving Zach money and he punches him. Zach . . . not Grandad. Though a Grandad sock in the face would pretty awesome. Moral of the story is Lavery hates Zach again and all is right with the world.

It's the day of show, ya'll! I mean, the day of CrazAnnie's "Is she sane or is she not?" trial, ya'll! And somebody was paid off and Lavery shows up there and he's totally going to ruin that trial, you guys. Mind your own beeswax, Lavery. Grandad just wants to get it on with a hot young psychopath. Stop c**k blocking him and his corrupt judges!

This week- Dr. Baby Stealer figures out that whole Barbados Baby thing. Finally! You went to Doctor School, guy, you really should've been hip to this sooner. You better make this worth my while, there better some drugging people in the near future!

Catching up on 'caps . . .

Okay, as I'm catching up on the 'caps, I'm not quite sure what day is what, because it seems like there may have been a repeat . . . but then maybe not. There was definitely a storm/tornado warning in NY. I hope ya'lls are safe!

Also, I really need to graduate beyond the VCR.

Anyhow, I think this is what happened:

Randi and Mitten are keeping that baby. They don't really care that it's not their baby, they are keeping that thing. Sister Police Officer is like, "Guys, seriously. You can't just keep that thing." And they're all, "But if we love it, it's legal." Yeah . . sure.

Funny Doc and Real Preggers are still staking out that bar in Boston, hoping to find Barbados Baby. Well, since Randi stole him, he's not there. But guess who is- Nurse Who Loves Dr. Baby Stealer! YES!!! And if she's there- you know who's not far behind? That's right- mother truckin' Greenlee Smythe Du Pres Almost Lavery!!! I am convinced of this. And nothing will make me happier than Greenlee's return. Except for winning that Mega Millions Lotto. You hear me, God?

Erica and Krystal are in Africa with a bunch of Scorpions who are rocking them like a hurricane. Or just . . . I dunno, they're camping and there's major LOLZ. But then there's a tender part where Erica Kane is sad about the starving children and I really can't mock a call to action to end poverty. I mean this in all sincerity.

Open Mic Night at ConFusion! Dr. Baby Stealer's there! Fake Preggers is there, with her baby (Mother of the Year!) and so is Tad. Turns out Tad's convinced ConFusion to hold an open mic comedy night, which is just an excuse for him to be incredibly unfunny in front of a large audience. You know what else isn't funny? Driving your baby home after downing a glass of champagne- YOU HEAR ME, FAKE PREGGERS?! Man I wish Randi had found YOUR baby.

While all this was going on, Kendall fell down cuz she forgot to take her heart medicine, but then she woke up (lame) and Police Chief tells Dr. Mrs. Police Chief to lie about that whole D.A.'s forensics report business (even lamer!)

Word on the street is Jackson's contract is up. I shall miss ye, Jackson.

Today: Nothing Happened

Hump Day? More like chump day!

Wednesday 8/19:

Today on All My Children, nothing happened. And by nothing, I mean, “nothing.”

Police Chief tells Mittens (who only has one messed up hand now, so I guess he's Mitten?) and Dr. Mrs. Police Chief about that whole Randi killed the D.A. thing that they covered it up.

Tad tells Fake Preggers it’s not really her baby and that he totally knows Dr. David Baby Stealer has tooken Barbados Baby. Tad wants Fake Preggers to bang Dr. David Baby Stealer so he’ll tell her where Barbados Baby is. Tad is the worst detective ever.

Randi thinks babies are like puppies and you can just keep them if you want.

Dr. Mrs. Police Chief thinks Police Chief shouldn’t be all lyin’ to her and junk, but it’s okay to set a dead body on fire because you (mistakenly) think your ex-hooker daugher in law killed the guy.

Oh and at one point, Petey was wearing two collared shirts at once and a baby threw up on him. Convenient, since he had one shirt under the other one.

You guys could’ve saved those 50 minutes and just told Dr. Mrs. Police Chief and Randi and Fake Preggers to just read a little thing on the internet called “Paraphrasing Pine Valley.” All you need to know is there!

Where am I going to put my pilates ball™?

Okay, why is Dr. Mrs. Police Chief wearing CrazAnnie’s wig? Hair and makeup cutbacks?

Tuesday 8/18:

Erica Kane’s getting ready for her little jaunt to Africa to save the children, and by “getting ready” I mean getting poked in the butt . . . with a needle . . . for her vaccines or whatever. Not only is this poor woman getting stuck in the @$ with a pointy object, she’s only allowed to bring one backpack! She’s all, “But I’ve got all these dresses, and shoes! And where am I going to put my pilates ball™?” (I'm sure you'll figure something out, Erica. That money doesn't print itself, you know.)

So Randi’s “missing” because she’s “borrowing” a baby she “found” in a “basket” that no one “wanted” in an “alley” at “church.” (Actually, Randi, people do want him and his name is Barbados Baby.) Girlfriend decides to hole herself up in a motel (she certainly knows her motels!) and watch the news and not give that baby back. Oh Randi. I think you’ve lost your mind.

Dr. Mrs. Police Chief is the smartest lady in town, and she’s totes figured out what happened, the whole ex-hooker’s politician john forces himself on her and she kills him thing. Maybe Dr. Mrs. Police Chief should be Police Chief. She confronts real Police Chief at police station and well, no one’s very happy about the lies and the killing and the wig she's wearing. Oh and Madison (who is certifiably coo-coo now) visited Mittens and made him think that Dead D.A. and Randi were having an affair. You’re making it very hard for me to love you, Madison. Now that you’re a psychopath.

Fake Preggers has brought over some Chinese food to Zach, so they can talk about the case or “do it”, whichever comes first, and admits she’s an awful horrible mother because she is NEVER with her own damn baby (Thank you! I just wanted you to admit that Fake Preggers). Kendall is a nosy Nelly and sneaks out of her lair and almost blows the cover until Zach pulls an Oscar winning performance that includes breaking something and finally Fake Preggers leaves. Zach tells Kendall to go paint the basement but instead she pulls out her laptop, summons her inner Carrie Bradshaw and she’s all, “I couldn’t help but wonder . . . do they have any Chinese food left upstairs?”

Meanwhile as Erica’s getting her visa for Africa, she and Ryan have a madcap “A Hard Day’s Night-esque” music video jaunt in New York City! New York City, LOL! The only thing missing was some twirling.

This week! Kendall gets hurts or passes out or has a heart attack (don't tell me you forgot about her bum heart!) and Zach is forced to call 911 and he’s all, “Yeah, I know she’s supposed to be in jail . . . I was, uh, going to church . . . and I, uh, found her in a basket in the alley.”*

*Credit: Mr. Paraphrasing Pine Valley™